January 9, 2007
by Rod Smith
The volume of letters I get from men and women who are in very toxic, even dangerous relationships, surprises me. Some have written that they have had to create the email account specifically for the one letter alone, and then had to delete the account, lest the one with whom they are in a “loving relationship” find the account and demand to read the email!
It makes me wonder just how much love exists between people when it appears their behavior has to be so covert, where games and hide and seek are necessary over something as normal as writing an Email in search of guidance.
There are several over-riding themes that are quite easy to identify from these many letters. I have not been gender specific as both men and women falling into these familiar traps. I will say more about each of them in a few days:
1. Loving too much. (It is possible to love so blindly that the love ceases to be love).
2. Forgiving where there is no effort to change. (Some forgiveness has to be conditional).
3. Remaining blind to the repeated faults of others. (Some faults in others must be eradicated if a relationship is to survive).
4. Continually excusing the inexcusable. (Somethings, like violence and abuse, must not be tolerated at all).
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Differentiation, Divorce, Victims, Violence, Voice |
1 Comment »
December 20, 2006
by Rod Smith
“My husband always says how much he loves me claims he lets me do whatever I want. But the reality is that he is disparaging and condescending. I feel I am trapped in a relationship with someone who is totally at odds with my personality. I never discuss anything meaningful with him for fear that he will criticize it. He is also very critical of the children. His discipline is very blame-oriented. He seems to be very angry all the time that the world and everyone in it doesn’t behave according to his criteria of right and wrong, and he is completely dismissive of the idea that different people can have different ideas about what right and wrong are. He always says, ‘There are objective criteria that everyone agree on.’ Sometimes I fantasize that he will die but of course I feel horribly guilty about having such thoughts. I imagine if I admitted such thoughts to him he would leave me but I could never admit them – it makes me sound like an insane and evil person. Is it possible that he is really not that bad and I am the one with the coping problem?” (Extracted from a much longer letter)
I’d suggest you get face-to-face (wiser than you have already had) counsel as soon as possible. You are trapped in a crazy-making cycle that will have you convinced that you are the one who is out of sync with reality. Please read Anna Quindlin’s BLACK AND BLUE. Make personal contact with me through the web. I have no idea what country you are in but I am real and I will listen. Go to www.DifficultRelationships.com to see how it is set up for you talk directly with me.
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Divorce, Domination, Family, High maintenance relationships, Past relationships, Spousal abuse, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
3 Comments »
December 3, 2006
by Rod Smith
While a healthier person might find it very difficult to understand why a woman would remain the target of abuse, here are things I have heard from women (and a few men) in toxic relationships:
1. “His anger shows he cares.”
2. “No one has loved me like this.”
3. “If I leave he’ll take the children.”
4. “I am so unlovable (bad, ugly, hurt, used) I deserve abuse.”
5. “My past is catching up with me. I deserve to be mistreated.”
6. “He is not abusive. I’m just a slow learner.”
7. “God is teaching me: tough times are lessons from God.”
8. “I cannot make it alone.”
9. “Relationships are never perfect. They all hurt in some way.”
10. “You make your bed. You lie in it.”
11. “Things will improve when we have children (get married, get a house, a job).”
12. “He’s really a good person. When I make him angry he can’t help it.”
13. “As long as he is sorry I can put up with anything.”
14. “Things are improving, he doesn’t hit me like he used to.”
15. “God will change him if I am obedient. The Bible says so.”
The intensity, anger, aggression, in a toxic dance, places the victim on center-stage, and this focus is apparently experienced as some form of love.
Posted in Divorce, Domination, High maintenance relationships, Manipulation, Triggers, Victims, Violence, Voice |
15 Comments »
December 1, 2006
by Rod Smith
My son (13) gets so angry when he is confronted about anything (school results, when he cannot go out, when he cannot be on the Internet) I know he scares himself. Last weekend my husband and son had a confrontation and he hit my husband in the face. I am glad my husband was patient with him and did not lose his temper. What should I do?
First: Decide that the parents will never resort to fighting violence with violence.
Second: Discuss that loving your son and supporting him through this troubled time is something to which you are both enduringly committed.
Third: Talk with your husband a lot about many and various topics – discussions about your son must not be permitted to dominate your every interaction – in order to establish unity that is comforting to you and obvious to your son. This expression of unity – not necessarily agreement – will become a natural protection when your family faces challenges.
Finally: During a “down time” and when things are peaceful, let your son know the despite whatever occurs among you, he is to learn to hold his temper, and to learn not to strike others. Let him know failure at self-restraint will result in the immediate need for professional intervention.
Posted in Adolescence, Anger, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Family, High maintenance relationships, Parenting/Children, Teenagers, Victims, Violence, Voice |
3 Comments »
November 27, 2006
by Rod Smith
“I love my sometimes- abusive boyfriend very much. I moved out and I know that was a good step. I still deeply love him. He won’t get help for his problems because he doesn’t understand he has an illness. The illness prevents from seeing it. It’s circular. How can you get through to someone like this without setting them off or making them perceive you as the enemy? How can someone get the professional help they need if they don’t see that they have a problem? The person who is abusive has to recognize the problem and be willing to seek help. No one can force it. ‘Sorry’ is are all we have sometimes, and if you love someone how can you turn your back on them, especially if you can see they need help?” (Letter edited)
Rod Response:
At some point you have to love yourself more than you love your boyfriend, otherwise the relationship will destroy you. How will I ever get you to see this?
Focus on your health and not on his. This is not selfish, it is wise.
Believe it or not, there are more important things than love. Your survival is one of them.
Something is deeply amiss when your love is so compelling it is self-destructive.
This is, of course, when is ceases to be love.
Posted in Attraction, Betrayal, Domination, High maintenance relationships, Victims, Violence, Voice |
7 Comments »
November 23, 2006
by Rod Smith
Of course you are going to fall apart, and mourn the loss of the future you thought you’d have.
You will feel like death itself and even welcome your own.
Then, when your mind somewhat clears, you’ll wonder what really occurred. You will question what you might have done to cause the marriage breakdown and wonder what you might have done to save it.
Then you will bargain with God, your husband, even your children, or with anyone who will listen as you urgently try to get things back to normal, and get yourself back into his heart, head, and bed.
And, when things somewhat settle, and you’ve gotten some rest, and you emerge from the initial impact of what has occurred, you will see that this is not about you, or what you did or did not do. You will see there that there is no real power in bargaining with him, or real value in your becoming whatever you think he’d prefer you to be.
You will see that, quite apart from whatever he decides to do, there is great power and value in picking up your life, one emotion at a time, and doing what is best for yourself and your children.
Call Rod now…..
Posted in Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Divorce, High maintenance relationships, Past relationships, Victims, Violence |
358 Comments »
October 28, 2006
by Rod Smith
- You started dating before he/she had been divorced a year.
- You started dating before his/her divorce was final.
- You started dating before all the financial details of the previous marriage were completed, agreed upon, and settled.
- He/she places all blame for the breakdown of the marriage on the former spouse.
- He/she wants, or allows, sexual intimacy (with you or others) before any semblance of a relationship has had time to develop.
- He/she is cut off from his/her children, is not participating in their lives, and is not paying his/her share of child support.
- He/she is more interested in parenting your children than in parenting his/her own children.
- He/she is unable to conduct a meaningful conversation with the former spouse regarding matters pertaining to the children.
- He/she talks viciously or flippantly about marriage, sex, or the opposite sex.
- He/she actively discourages you from meeting or making contact with the former spouse or persons associated with the former marriage.
- He/she has quickly become more to you than seems possible in such a short space of time.
- He/she tells you he/she has finally found true love in his/her relationship with you.
Posted in Boundaries, Victims, Voice |
8 Comments »
October 13, 2006
by Rod Smith
“This morning’s column (12/10/06) is the plaintive cry of another emotionally abused partner. Every time I hear the words ‘I stay because of the children’ I want to be sick. Thank goodness you pointed out that such a relationship is bad for the children. Thank you for asking the question: ‘What is it about you that you are willing to settle for so little?’ I hope this gets the writer of the letter thinking about the quality of his life and all the opportunities to be happy he is missing.”
Chime in, please...
by the false front of security offered by warring parents who remain in pathological marriages supposedly for their sake. It is usually hard to leave any marriage, and, while the “for the children” reason sounds noble, it is often a cop out for the partner who is willing to settle for less from life than life offers. Leaving any marriage takes courage, but staying in the marriage, and achieving something worthwhile within the marriage probably requires more courage. This, of course, is only suggested if the marriage is free of violence and other forms of abuse.
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Love, Marriage, Victims, Voice |
60 Comments »
October 12, 2006
by Rod Smith
“My wife is a very difficult person who wants everything her way or she punishes the family in harsh and secretive ways. She gives the impression that she is selfless and giving but in reality it is all about her. I am a very faithful man but I do understand why men have affairs. There is no warmth in our home (from her) so you can only imagine how cold our bedroom is! I stay for my children’s sake and also because I committed to be married “until death us do part.” I can honestly say I have tried to salvage this marriage and all I get back are the vibes of disapproval from an angry woman. She says she doesn’t want to be married but she also doesn’t want to get divorced. (Letter paraphrased)
I hope both of you consider what this marriage is teaching the children about love and life. Stand up to your wife and expose her passive-aggressive ways! You sound like one who is victimized and intimidated by his wife and his circumstances. I challenge you to want much more from your marriage than you are apparently getting. What is it about you that you are willing to settle for so little?
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Children, Communication, Domination, Marriage, Spousal abuse, Victims |
23 Comments »
October 5, 2006
by Rod Smith
Reader Writes: “I don’t believe my spouse had a sexual affair, but he definitely was too involved with a female coworker. I just found out that they have been talking on the phone for the past 16 months (January 05 to May 06) behind my back. They talked every morning and two and three times every night, and then on weekends. He says they are just friends and they talked about ‘work and general stuff.’ I know everyone he works with, and all his friends. I even know this woman, yet I never heard one conversation they had in those 16 months. He says I need to put it in perspective and move on. He has ended their communications and has apologized for his ‘transgression.’ So yes, I consider myself ‘cheated on.’ If she is such a friend, why isn’t this friendship shared with me and his family like every other friendship we’ve had?”
Rod Responds: Your reasoning is superb, and your question utterly valid. I hope your husband values the treasure he has in you, his wife. Any friendship consuming the time and energy you have described is most certainly not a healthy liaison. That it ever had to be secret is the largest and most glaring red flag.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Communication, Divorce, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Manipulation, Marriage, Past relationships, Pornography, Re-marriage, Space, Spousal abuse, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
2 Comments »
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