November 23, 2006
by Rod Smith
Of course you are going to fall apart, and mourn the loss of the future you thought you’d have.
You will feel like death itself and even welcome your own.
Then, when your mind somewhat clears, you’ll wonder what really occurred. You will question what you might have done to cause the marriage breakdown and wonder what you might have done to save it.
Then you will bargain with God, your husband, even your children, or with anyone who will listen as you urgently try to get things back to normal, and get yourself back into his heart, head, and bed.
And, when things somewhat settle, and you’ve gotten some rest, and you emerge from the initial impact of what has occurred, you will see that this is not about you, or what you did or did not do. You will see there that there is no real power in bargaining with him, or real value in your becoming whatever you think he’d prefer you to be.
You will see that, quite apart from whatever he decides to do, there is great power and value in picking up your life, one emotion at a time, and doing what is best for yourself and your children.
Call Rod now…..
Posted in Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Divorce, High maintenance relationships, Past relationships, Victims, Violence |
358 Comments »
October 17, 2006
by Rod Smith
“I wish my ex-husband were more involved in our children’s lives. He pays child support without fail and he sends birthday presents and he phones the children but he doesn’t see them very often. Even though he lives in another town it is not that far for him to come and see them but he only comes down about once a month. The children get so excited to see him but I just wish they could see him more often. He is re-married and has two more children.”
It appears that your ex-husband is meeting his financial obligations and is keeping in contact with his children. This is to be applauded. Of course you (and the children) would like his greater involvement with the children, but it appears that this is something over which you have no control.
Try to keep your focus upon being the healthiest mother you can be given the circumstances you find yourself in with your children. It is understandable that you might readily reflect upon what their father is or is not doing, but this will not do you or the children any good.
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Family, Love, Marriage, Past relationships, Recovery |
1 Comment »
October 8, 2006
by Rod Smith
In relationships:
Toxic patterns, abuse, excessive use of alcohol, lying, anger, jealousy, infidelity, to name a few, seldom improve without intervention, but will only increase in intensity, without some form of disruption. Unless toxic, or destructive patterns are addressed, they will only grow.
Self-definition, being willing to declare who and what you are, and what you want from a relationship, will be a healthy exercise even if, at first, such action seems fraught with potential to ruin a relationship. Any relationship that demands a person “tone down” who and what they are, is probably not a healthy one.
Forgiveness is not based on who is wrong or right. The stronger partner, or the one with the insight that forgiveness is necessary, is the one who takes the initiative toward forgiving. Problems arise when one partner is always expected to be the one initiating forgiveness. In this case, a relationship is lacking equality, mutuality, and respect: something deeper is amiss.
Regular sexual activity is a vital part of any marriage, well beyond childbearing years, and ought to be as important to both persons, and as central to both persons as are the mutual planning of finances, the mutual support of the children’s education and as important for a couple as regular worship at church, temple or synagogue.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Faith, Family, High maintenance relationships, Love, Marriage, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Trust |
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October 5, 2006
by Rod Smith
Reader Writes: “I don’t believe my spouse had a sexual affair, but he definitely was too involved with a female coworker. I just found out that they have been talking on the phone for the past 16 months (January 05 to May 06) behind my back. They talked every morning and two and three times every night, and then on weekends. He says they are just friends and they talked about ‘work and general stuff.’ I know everyone he works with, and all his friends. I even know this woman, yet I never heard one conversation they had in those 16 months. He says I need to put it in perspective and move on. He has ended their communications and has apologized for his ‘transgression.’ So yes, I consider myself ‘cheated on.’ If she is such a friend, why isn’t this friendship shared with me and his family like every other friendship we’ve had?”
Rod Responds: Your reasoning is superb, and your question utterly valid. I hope your husband values the treasure he has in you, his wife. Any friendship consuming the time and energy you have described is most certainly not a healthy liaison. That it ever had to be secret is the largest and most glaring red flag.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Communication, Divorce, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Manipulation, Marriage, Past relationships, Pornography, Re-marriage, Space, Spousal abuse, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
2 Comments »
September 7, 2006
by Rod Smith
Reader’s Question: My girlfriend keeps in touch with her ex-boyfriend. She says this is normal and should not bother me. I think messaging him almost everyday, phoning him on her way home almost every night, and talking to him more than she talks to me is a bit much. If I make too much of it she says I am jealous. I tried to ignore it. I cannot. Please help. (Letter revised to isolate central issue)
Rod’s response: It seems your girlfriend is not ready to fully separate from her ex, to the point where he is truly an ex. Her lingering connection, demonstrated by her ongoing communication, suggests she is not sufficiently emotionally disconnected from him, or ready to be fully focused on her relationship with you.
You might have noticed romantic and emotional connection is only possible with one other person at a time. Any attempts at multiple, romantic and emotional connections usually cause severe problems for all who try it, or who are victims of such attempts.
I’d suggest you recognize her lack of focus by suggesting she explore her residual hankerings, while you agree to sever your ties with her so as not to cause her any interference while she determines what it is she wants.
Posted in Affairs, Communication, Past relationships |
4 Comments »
July 12, 2006
by Rod Smith
Reader’s Question: My boyfriend says we have to have sex to see if we are sexually compatible before he will continue seeing me. What do you think?
Rod’s Answer: What an old and ridiculous line. Move on! Your boyfriend is what I call a “pp” or “penis propelled.” If you really want to assess sexual compatibility it can be done without removing a single item of clothing!
First, compare credit reports and financial statements to see how each of you handles money. How you respect, use and save money, will exert more power over your long-term sexual compatibility than any immediate sexual encounter will indicate. It’s very hard to be passionate, faithful lovers when you are fighting over maxed-out credit cards.
Second: Compare your attitudes toward and your relationships with your immediate family. You can tell everything worth knowing about a person by how they respect and appreciate their parents and siblings. People who show little respect for their immediate family, or little desire to care for them, are unlikely to be a successful long-term husbands or wives, no matter how good or passionate they might be in a bedroom.
Third: Assess attitudes toward hard work. A shared, healthy attitude and high regard for hard, honest work, will give both of you useful insight into your long-term compatibility much more effectively than will the immediate experimentation with each other’s bodies.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Communication, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Long distance relationships, Past relationships, Pornography, Re-marriage, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Space, Victims, Violence, Voice, Young Love |
4 Comments »
July 7, 2006
by Rod Smith
Give each other several days of notice before you sit down and answer these questions about your relationship.
Make brief notes before you talk. Agree to be completely silent while listening to each person respond to each question.
“Volatile” couples might choose to talk in a crowded restaurant where they are less likely to erupt!
Do not skip questions. Of course, couples without children will ignore the final question:
1. What have you been trying to tell me that I have not been hearing?
2. What am I already doing that you would you like me to do a lot more?
3. What am I doing that you would you like me to do a lot less (or never)?
4. What is important to you, that you might resist telling me, to avoid hurting my feelings? (What have I “trained” you not to talk about?)
5. What can I do to help you use more of your talents and be more fulfilled in life?
6. Is our intimate life (our sex life) all you want it to be?
7. What can I do to improve the quality of our intimate life?
8. In what ways do you think we might hold each other back (keep each other “down”)?
9. How can I be more responsible to you (not responsible “for” you) and responsive to you?
10. How do you think I could be a better parent?
Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Faith, Family, Long distance relationships, Love, Marriage, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Therapeutic Process |
2 Comments »
June 29, 2006
by Rod Smith
Jealousy distorts reality. It becomes a lens through which the victim appears larger, more powerful than they are. If I am jealous, want you only for my own, I will notice everything you do and interpret everything you do and say as if it is connected to what you think and feel about me. I will read meaning never intended by your words or behavior.
The power to choose is essential to love. If removed, love ceases. Jealousy poisons choice and love. It robs a jealous person of the very love they think their jealousy will protect.
Jealousy makes people most unattractive. A jealous person can operate in this manner for so long that jealousy seems essential to their personality. They appear to know no other way to operate.
Unchecked (unmonitored, uncontrolled) jealousy will act as temporary glue, or repel your lover from you, or set you both on a course of anger and resentment. There are no positive rewards except the temporary, illusion of power jealousy offers.
If you think jealousy will keep someone with you, you have failed to see that the very act of ensuring someone be yours forever, is the removal from that person of the very essence of love – freedom to choose.
Posted in Past relationships, Sex matters |
1 Comment »
June 1, 2006
by Rod Smith
Q: My girlfriend wants to know all the sexual details about my past relationships. She seems to think this will make us closer. I don’t want to tell her anything but she gets all withdrawn when I won’t and she says I am protecting other women and hurting her. Please tell me what you think I should do.
A: Don’t give Ms. Jealous what she says she wants. Details of your former relationships are none of her business. Allowing her to peer into those relationships will most certainly will not bring you closer to each other. Since her desire to know such details probably comes from long-felt insecurities, it is more likely the stories of your past will fuel even greater degrees of jealousy and insecurity. Consequently, such talks are more likely to drive you apart than bring you closer. Besides, that you are no longer with a person does not mean it is legitimate to dishonor the privacy you once shared.
Posted in Manipulation, Past relationships, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Triggers, Trust |
6 Comments »
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