May 6, 2009
by Rod Smith
Enrich all your mothers
I challenge you to do something exceptional for all your mothers (biological, adopted, step, chosen, in-law, teachers) and for any woman you have met along your life’s journey who has cared for you, be it even briefly.
When planning your gift or acknowledgment be creative, unusual, specific, and honest. Scare yourself with your own generosity of spirit and courage.
And, – you’ll know you’ve have excelled in your efforts if “Mother’s Day 2009” is engraved in the hearts of all whom you know and all whom you love because of your extraordinary actions. Yes, celebrate the one woman who gave birth to you, and the army of women who have helped fashion your life.
Finally, resist the thinking I have heard in some circles that celebrating Mother’s Day somehow alienates or offends women who are not mothers. Help the offended or potentially offended woman to see that she has, or has had a mother, whether she is herself one or not!
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Family, Grace, Love, Parenting/Children |
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March 11, 2009
by Rod Smith
1. To work hard in groups and to work hard alone.
2. To identify the correlation between work and achievement.
3. To freely and regularly express gratitude.
4. To connect behavior and choices with consequences.
5. To save.
6. To find his or her voice and to use it appropriately.
7. To use his or her imagination.
8. To respect elders, teachers, and persons in authority.
9. To be able to apologize and to forgive.
10. To take full responsibility for his or her own future.
11. To value the past as a springboard to the future.
12. To know that fulfillment is an “inside job.”
Posted in Adolescence, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Family, Leadership, Listening, Parenting/Children |
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September 16, 2008
by Rod Smith
When one writes an advice column it would be easy for readers to be under the illusion that I am on top of things. Of course this is not true. It would be no surprise to you (if you have lived a year or two!) to know that my life is often as much in disarray as yours probably is.
Today I feel scattered. Anxious. My one son (6) is not well. On top of that, I feel terrible for forgetting that he was the scheduled “star student” in his class at school yesterday. My son arrived at school without a poster reflecting his life and interests, or snacks for his class when all the other children, on their “star student of the day,” come to school with designer posters and personal caterers in tow! (I exaggerate, of course.)
Nathanael arrived at school with nothing because I didn’t read something he brought home. This gets to me. It really does. He wandered through to me in the middle of last night, and before I sent him back to bed, I hugged him again and I apologized for the tenth time about forgetting his big day. As sleepy as he was he voiced again his forgiveness. Thank God children are so resilient.
Posted in Children, Living together, Parenting/Children |
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September 9, 2008
by Rod Smith
For three years my son (12) and I have been alone. Now his dad wants to start weekend visits again. He is a very nice man even though he has been unreliable in the past. This new thing about visiting comes because now my son is getting older. I don’t want him to let my son down and it just seems like we are in a pattern that he will now start to disrupt after all these years. My son is very excited to know his father wants to see him again. Please help. (Letter revised)
I suggest you support any attempt the father makes to be with his son. Be a consistent listening ear to your boy and help him to navigate his relationship with his father. If the dad becomes unreliable, then your son will quickly learn this about his father – and your son will learn to trust and love his father while keeping this in mind. No one is perfect, and your son will benefit from knowing his father despite his father’s imperfections.
Posted in Adolescence, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Forgiveness, Friendship, Parenting/Children |
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June 3, 2008
by Rod Smith
“My son’s father and I broke up before I found out that I was pregnant. There were minimal monetary contributions for 3 months after my son, now 13, was born. He wanted me to abort but I refused. My son has never asked me about his father and so I have never told him anything. I wonder if I should bring up the subject or let sleeping dogs lie. I’m 
Email me, I am listening.
Sleeping dogs usually wake up hungry! What you avoid will be more powerful than what you face. Talk to your son. Tell him everything you have told me – but for the suggestion of abortion. He doesn’t need to know this.
Posted in Adolescence, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Forgiveness, Grace, Parenting/Children, Past relationships |
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April 1, 2008
by Rod Smith
“You write, to a woman asking for help with her son that if she gets her attitude right she might see a shift in her son’s attitude. Just because she has a ‘right attitude’ it doesn’t mean her son will. It seems to me you were a little heavy handed with someone asking for your advice. I am a single mother and two of my three children are boys. My boys are very respectful of women because they have been taught by me to be that way from a very early age. My feelings for their father have nothing to do with it. At the age of 11 it will be difficult to change the attitude of a son but can still be done. Let him know that his attitude and behavior toward women is uncalled for and will not be tolerated. It can be difficult for a woman to raise a son alone especially when the father is not much help but it can be done.” (Edited for clarity)
As I said, attitudes are contagious. It seems your no-nonsense approach has paid off for you and for your children. Congratulations on your success. I am sure your children have thrived, at least partly, as a result of your forthrightness.
Posted in Children, Communication, Parenting/Children |
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March 31, 2008
by Rod Smith
My son (11) is quite ungrateful for all I do for him. I don’t want him to go around being unkind to women and he’s not getting any good lessons from his father who is a miserable woman-hater who I am glad I divorced. What can I do to make him appreciate all I do and honor and respect me. I am a single mother. Please help.
Taking care of some of your anger might be a good place to start. The tone of your letter hardly suggests you are roaming around life with your arms and voice lifted in praise and thankfulness.
May I remind you the father of your son is the man you once loved enough to marry?
Attitudes are quite contagious. Get yours right and you might see a little shift in the manner in which your son sees life.
Posted in Adolescence, Parenting/Children |
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February 21, 2008
by Rod Smith
A few times a week our son (6) comes to our bed in the night or very early in the morning. Sometimes I am so tired I have no resistance and let him sleep with us. Other times I get up and take him to his bed. I am more concerned about this than my husband is. He says it is no big deal and that he will grow out of it. It is the inconsistency that worries me. Please advise. (Edited)
Relax. Worrying too much can keep you up at night! Your son sleeps in his own bed some nights of the week, and comes to you regularly, but not always. Based on this, I’m going to go with your husband’s attitude.
Persist. Send the child back to his own bed as often as possible, and when you don’t, let him enjoy the warmth and the welcome a loving mother and father offer.
The less fuss you make, the less attention you draw to this matter, the quicker the boy will transition to waking up everyday in his own room.
Posted in Boundaries, Children, Family, Parenting/Children, Space |
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January 29, 2008
by Rod Smith
Did you hear about the mother who complained her children were always in her hair? Now that her son and daughter are adults she can’t get them to return her phone calls. They are out of much more than her hair.
What about the dad who buried himself in his work just to find some peace and quiet? Now that he’s retired and his adult children are living such busy lives he never sees them. The peace he craved is driving him crazy. He had no idea quietness could be so loud and unsettling.
Then there’s the one about the mother who complained the children slowed her down in the mornings making her late for everything. Now, with nowhere to go, she’s never late for anything. Her daughter texts her saying, “Can’t talk. Will phone next week.” Her son ignores her voicemails altogether.
And while these scenarios are birthed in my mind, the situations are very real. Go to any retirement home and you’ll hear tales of abandonment and woe. But here’s the really scary part: in so many ways we get what we want, and then discover we didn’t want it that much in the first place.
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Parenting/Children |
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January 1, 2008
by Rod Smith
1. Your courage, determination and your willingness to fully live; your ability and willingness to employ all of your skills and expedite your wildest ambitions – will go a long way toward compensating for the absence of the other parent.
2. Being debilitated by the absence of a partner and living as if a successful life is impossible to lead without a partner will stand to hinder your child and your relationship with your child almost as significantly the absence of the other parent.
3. Having your own life, pursuing interests and dreams that do not involve your child, is good for you and for your child. The laser focus that often comes with solo parenting is hardly helpful to the parent or child.
4. Try to get the focus off your child and how your child is doing in the wake of finding yourself single. Single parents have reared many very successful persons and, believing your child will be successful, despite the absence of the other parent, will set a healthy tone for your family. Besides, as stated by family expert, Rabbi Edwin Friedman, when studied under a microscope even an ant (a small issue) can look like a monster (a significant problem).
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Love, Parenting/Children, Single parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers, Voice |
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