‘There are two potential tragedies in life and dying isn’t one of them,” wrote Ronald Rolheiser, the Catholic theologian. “What’s tragic is to go through life without loving and without expressing love and affection toward those whom we do love.”

What great thoughts to ponder and then motivate us to action beyond romance on, and before, Valentine’s Day.

Let’s not fall victim to either of the tragedies — not today, tomorrow, not forever.

One of the great things about life for most of us is that we get more than a few chances at most things, even things we fouled up in the past. Failing at love yesterday doesn’t mean we have to fail again.

While the holiday is Hallmark-driven and its history buried in 5th century Rome, it’s up to us to push love to the limits, to go beyond Valentine, beyond Hallmark, beyond Cupid, beyond Eros, red balloons and red sweaters and candy. It’s up to us to take Rolheiser’s caution to heart.

Let’s express love in tangible ways to all those whom we love.

Loving is more than breakfast in bed. Say what you want to say without leaving it to another day. Don’t wait, don’t avoid it, and don’t run from it. Act upon the love you feel in measurable ways, express it in ways that are new and unique for you.

Love your family by encouraging the expression of the unique voice of every person. Enlarge their freedom; oust jealousy.

Listen, and wait to speak. Try to hear even the things you’d rather not hear. Learn things about members of your family even if it has been so long that it is hard to remember a time when you did not share life.

Loving people celebrate strength, encourage freedom and admire the talent of others.

Then, in loving and being loved, compromise yourself, your talents and skills for no one.

True love will never steal your voice, your brain, your heart or your body.

Minimizing who you are in the name of love will not make you more lovable or make your family a happier or healthier place. It is never worth it. It is never loving. It is those with dark motives, who seek for you to be less, minimized, diminished or silenced. Reject such small-mindedness, such evil, even if doing so is very costly.

In your loving, deal a deadly blow to love’s bitter enemies of resentment, anger and bitterness. These close cousins, if permitted, will hold hands within your psychology and dance a woeful dance. They will make you blind to all things beautiful. Angry, bitter and resentful people, no matter what their justification, become increasingly unreasonable and difficult to live with.

Bitterness will have a soul for breakfast. It’ll chew you up, spit you out, and then get you some more. That’s its nature. It has no regard for you, except in your destruction.

Make the most powerful decision a person can make and forgive everyone, everything. Forgiving others completely for everything real or imagined done against you, will give you a degree of personal liberation heretofore unknown. Such forgiveness, offered from and within our human frailty, releases the spirit beyond comprehension.

When people forgive each other, they wear divine clothing, and the prison doors of their own hearts become unlocked and the miserable trio of anger, bitterness and resentment are set free to do their work elsewhere.

Question: I am living with a man who left a “dead” marriage for me. For the first few months everything was wonderful but now I feel like the “other woman.” This week his son needs help with fixing a car. Last week his daughter needed help transporting her church choir. I know he wants to see his children but now I am seeing him less than I did when he was married. He is seeing his children more now than when he was married. He sees his ex-wife at the house they once lived in while I am at home alone while he is taking care of matters from the “dead” life he divorced! I had more of him when I didn’t have him. Now that I have him I hardly see him. What do you think?

Response: What you are (not) thinking is more important than what I think. Your tragic errors: you believed divorcing a wife was the same as divorcing his children; you forgot affairs always make the “love” seem stronger than it is; you were (perhaps still are) convinced that someone can be “owned.” I have met many men who have left wives for lovers. Very few look back and are glad. I trust you will find love and happiness by legitimate means – the next time.

Q: My husband is an alcoholic. I have to lie for him. He gets angry if I don’t

You don’t have to lie for anybody; not your husband, boss or mother. It’s always your choice. At the same time, I understand how telling the truth might be difficult.

Decide to tell the truth, first to your husband. Tell him your days of lying on his behalf are over and that you will tell the truth as clearly and as kindly as you are able, to everyone. Tell him he can lie for himself if he so chooses but you will no longer cover his tracks. You will probably face some short-lived backlash but, hold onto yourself, stand firm. Get the support you might need from a close friend.

Most alcoholics have people who unwittingly support their habit. Without blaming you for his behavior (for it is his arm that takes the glass to his mouth) I’d encourage you to see that every time you lie for him, you are making his behavior possible. You are supporting the very thing you know is ruining him and hurting you. Such behavior on your part serves no one, least of all the alcoholic.