September 10, 2006
by Rod Smith
The earlier people realize that life is a solo challenge, and this includes children, the greater the degree of health will potentially flow into a family. Despite all the love and support a loving family can provide, individuals who clearly see their own powerful and distinct role in creating their own success will better contribute to the overall health of the family.
People who are “in the same boat” (or see a committed relationship as a “bicycle built for two”) usually confuse embracing another’s anxiety, indulgent sympathy, and, empathy, with love. Their attachments (fusions, dependencies) become so inordinately inflexible that one person’s anxiety (or issues) results in debilitating the effectiveness of other family members. In other words, “If I am not making it, and if you love me, you will so strongly iddentify with me that you won’t make it either.”
Healthy people do not permit the anxiety of loved one to destabilize (overwhelm) their own wellbeing, but offer challenge to the anxious because they understand the value of strength over weakness. This does not mean they are untouched by the sufferings of those whom they love, but they are particularly aware that remaining distinct, remaining strong in the presence of problems is not only the wiser way to function, but it is the greater gift to the family and the larger community.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Trust |
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August 24, 2006
by Rod Smith
Reader Writes: I lost my husband earlier this year. He was murdered. Since the incident his family have been absolutely nasty. They saw me as “good” before. Now I am “bad.” My sister-in-law is very controlling. They want me to hire a private investigator to solve his murder. My husband was a man of peace and prayer. He would not want me to do that. She wants to take over the whole process. He was son and brother. I’m “just” a wife. They have really hurt me. His sister has turned his entire family against me. My children are young. I would do anything to protect them against any negative influences. The children have suffered enough without this. What do I do? (Letter edited)
There are no easy answers to the painful circumstances that your family, in-laws included, is facing. As you further grow in strength and insight, following this dreadful occurrence, and once a full year has passed, I trust you will be very clear regarding three broad principles: Your position as wife and mother is not determined by the emotional condition of your in-laws: the future, for the sake of your children, must not be driven by the devastation of the past, and, the understanding that anger, and, invasive control are often forms of understandable, but misguided grief.
Posted in Anger, Love, Victims, Violence |
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July 7, 2006
by Rod Smith
Give each other several days of notice before you sit down and answer these questions about your relationship.
Make brief notes before you talk. Agree to be completely silent while listening to each person respond to each question.
“Volatile” couples might choose to talk in a crowded restaurant where they are less likely to erupt!
Do not skip questions. Of course, couples without children will ignore the final question:
1. What have you been trying to tell me that I have not been hearing?
2. What am I already doing that you would you like me to do a lot more?
3. What am I doing that you would you like me to do a lot less (or never)?
4. What is important to you, that you might resist telling me, to avoid hurting my feelings? (What have I “trained” you not to talk about?)
5. What can I do to help you use more of your talents and be more fulfilled in life?
6. Is our intimate life (our sex life) all you want it to be?
7. What can I do to improve the quality of our intimate life?
8. In what ways do you think we might hold each other back (keep each other “down”)?
9. How can I be more responsible to you (not responsible “for” you) and responsive to you?
10. How do you think I could be a better parent?
Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Faith, Family, Long distance relationships, Love, Marriage, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Therapeutic Process |
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June 29, 2006
by Rod Smith
Q: Regarding long-distance relationships a reader writes: “Does sitting by the phone, waiting for the other person to call, every day, even when they don’t call, mean you are dependent and heading towards an unhealthy relationship?”
A: Your behavior does not necessarily suggest you are “dependent and heading towards an unhealthy relationship.” Good friends frequently wait by the phone when they expect a call from someone they love. Wanting information and connection is a deeply human quality and ought not be interpreted in a negative light.
But, continuing to be glued to the phone “to be immobilized” just in case he calls, even when it is not scheduled call, while other tasks, other friendships, other responsibilities are neglected, certainly puts you on the way toward an unhealthy connection.
Does he know you are waiting? If he does, and then still does not call, his behavior is cruel and ought not be tolerated. If a person knows you are waiting, and does not call within reasonable time, I’d suggest you are working harder at the relationship than your counter-part. This, in itself, is a big red flag.
Long-distant relationships are very difficult. Distance (like darkness and disease) amplifies. Issues usually seem more drastic, extreme, urgent, the further apart people are.
Posted in Communication, Long distance relationships, Love, Manipulation |
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June 27, 2006
by Rod Smith
Recent columns about friendliness, interpreted as flirting, have generated a lot of mail. Of course I do not support deception in relationships, and of course, when a partner salaciously fishes for the attention of the opposite sex it can damage the sanctity of a committed relationship.
But open (not covert) friendliness at parties that generates a jealous and anxious response from the partner, suggests deeper problematic issues between the couple, quite apart from the “flirting.”
A person who tries to curtail a significant other’s open friendliness through threats, withdrawal, the angry eye, by driving home in silence or in a rage, has a bigger issue than the one who “flirts.”
Love, aside from being the polar opposite of controlling behavior, resists jealousy. Love refuses to accommodate the demands of the jealous party. No relationship benefits when jealousy gets it nasty way.
I’d suggest women who are openly friendly at parties, who innocently enjoy people, continue to do so. I’d suggest jealous husbands deal with their jealousy without blaming it on the woman.
Then, if a woman is so desperate for male affirmation that she is truly salacious, I’d suggest something more helpful than curtailing her behavior at parties is required if the relationship is to survive.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Divorce, High maintenance relationships, Love, Manipulation, Sex matters, Trust |
10 Comments »
June 20, 2006
by Rod Smith
Deciding, making a deliberate choice, to have a wonderful life is certainly an integral part of becoming a more fulfilled person. And it is in the seemingly smallest of ways that this decision begins to influence and change what we become, how we relate to others and determines so much of the attitude we display from day to day. This decision sets into motion the potential for greater fulfillment from within our often very ordinary lives.
A simple choice to forgive others of their wrongs (or perceived wrongs) toward us, choosing to have an openness to new ideas, new things, and having a willingness to go to places previously avoided to assume new and fresh challenges, are the “simple” things such a decision might involve.
A wonderful life is not the result of possessing great wealth (a cursory glimpse at the miserable lives of so many wealthy movie stars will attest to that) or the result of success in marriage, parenting, sports or a career.
A wonderful life encompasses the capacity to see the divine in the ordinary, to see the extraordinary within the daily grind and a repeated recognition of God’s grandeur at every turn.
Posted in Love |
4 Comments »
June 13, 2006
by Rod Smith
My wife and I have lots of fights because at parties and family occasions she flirts with all the men. And NEVER flirts with me. She says she is just being friendly. I cannot understand why she carries on doing something she knows I do not like. What should I do?
It sounds like your wife has a lot more fun at parties and family occasions than you do. I'd suggest you stay home. If her friendliness is so threatening to you she ought to go alone. There are several reasons she "carries on doing something she knows" you do not like: she likes it; it is innocent; she understands it is not a good idea for you to control how she has fun.
Perhaps, if you took your focus off your wife and relaxed a little, she would want to flirt with you. Jealousy is not very attractive. The sooner you realize that your jealousy is your problem and that it has nothing at all to do with her behavior, the sooner you will be over it.
Two things: 1. He (or she) who has the feeling (in this case jealousy) has the problem. 2. Love and control cannot coexist in the same relationship.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Communication, Divorce, Domination, Love, Manipulation |
102 Comments »
June 13, 2006
by Rod Smith
To the father of the entitled teenager (17) who lives rather ungratefully under his parent’s generous roof?
You son is popular with others and therefore he has it within him to have a fulfilling child/parent relationship. At 17 he can enter a meaningful discussion about what’s bothering you. When addressing him, reflect on your experiences as the parent rather than on how unwise or ungrateful you perceive him to be.
It is not too late to refuse to do for him the things he appears to take for granted. Make such a stand understanding he is resourceful enough to get what he needs without you.
Be sure to establish what it is that you want before you try to correct his errant ways. If you really want a meaningful father/son relationship, first establish what that means to you.
“I’d like some time on a weekly basis to talk with you face-to-face,” is reasonable. “You are never home so you can go out once a month,” is probably unreasonable.
Do not fall for the lie that your son’s difficulties are somehow directly related to your failings. Your son is talented and young enough to make his own mistakes. The last thing he needs is a dad who feels responsible for his every error.
Posted in Adolescence, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Love, Reactivity, Space, Teenagers, Voice |
1 Comment »
June 6, 2006
by Rod Smith
Q: I had a miserable childhood and an even more a miserable life. I never get along with my family I am what you call a black sheep. I am now married and have one child. My marriage is on the rocks. My child and career are draining every bit of energy from me. I am in debt up to my eyeballs. My husband has a gambling problem! My credit cards are maxed out and I am trying to pay all the bills. I have no time for myself and even if I tried it still is not enough. I am losing my mind?
A: You have a very good mind and are apparently a high-functioning person: you work, can write a good letter, care for a child while under duress, and so there is always hope.
Redirecting these very skills, I believe you can find the help you need to gain some semblance of control over your destiny. Find a credit counselor at a church or place of worship; join a small group of healthy people who are working on their own lives. Make some legal plans so you are not victim of your husband’s bad habits. Things might start to change when you begin to move beyond victim thinking.
Posted in Anxiety, Love, Victims, Voice |
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June 6, 2006
by Rod Smith
“I met my ‘Prince Charming’ through an acquaintance. We hit it off from the beginning, but without any emotional fireworks. We shared a passion for ballroom dancing, and found we had much else in common: a love of the outdoors, music, humor; we are both financially independent, and we are both divorced with grown-up children. I thought it strange that he had no close friends and did not socialize beyond a very small circle, and that he showed no interest in introducing me to any of his family members, other than his married daughter. This should have been the first alarm bell to ring.
”Gradually he became more controlling, but in very subtle ways. He monitored what I ate and drank. He criticized my dancing when it wasn’t up to his standard. I had to live up to all his expectations all the time. He criticized my political opinions. Slowly but surely, he began to criticize all my opinions. There were violent outbursts of temper if I stood up to him in any way. Yet through all this, he remained the caring, thoughtful man I had grown to love, particularly when we were in the company of others, and I was so flattered that he was interested in me.” (Extracted from a much longer letter)
Posted in Anger, Divorce, Domination, High maintenance relationships, Love, Manipulation |
2 Comments »
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