June 24, 2007
by Rod Smith
“I am so sad. It is so difficult to be second-guessed. My husband tells me not to worry about it yet I can’t help but feel displaced whenever my in-laws decide to take my role (with my children) or want to criticize me. I cannot win under any circumstance. Please help me learn how to be satisfied with myself.”
It is not about “winning” as much as it is clearly defining yourself (to your husband and in-laws). Unless invasive people (people with poor boundaries) hear a clear statement regarding your boundaries, they will invade your life and family, and their invasions will grow progressively stronger.
Your husband, is appears, is unable (unwilling) to assist you. He apparently wants to avoid necessary confrontation required to clearly separate his “new” family (primary responsibility) from what was his family (secondary responsibility).
Being more satisfied with yourself will emerge from within many aspects of your life as you make your voice known to your children, husband and in-laws. These encounters of self-definition need not be negative to be effective. Using playfulness is a good place to start. Thereafter, you might need to be more assertive if you are going to be heard. It takes a life-time to be heard, I’d suggest you start voicing your thoughts and feelings as soon as possible.
Posted in Communication, In-laws, Voice |
Leave a Comment »
April 1, 2007
by Rod Smith
Last week my in-laws were visiting us and expressed disapproval about how my husband was handling our thirteen-year-old son. They did not take the time to hear the full story behind out mutual decision to discontinue our son’s enjoyment of some privileges. My husband felt very down and he has brought it up several times in the week. Should I talk to his mother about this? We are very close. It was so unusual for his parents to interfere and take sides. It made my husband look like we were much more strict than we really are and my son now feels he’s got his grandparents on his side. My husband did not cave into the pressure he felt. Please comment. (Letter edited)
Rod’s response: I’d suggest you let this event pass without further reference. If anyone wants to bring it up suggest your husband do it face-to-face, and alone, with his parents. By your own admission, this was out of character for your in-laws. It seems your son might have the sense of having his grandparents on his side (which is hardly a bad idea) while still being firmly aware that it is his parents who hold the final say on the important matters pertaining to his life.
Posted in Family, In-laws |
1 Comment »
February 27, 2007
by Rod Smith
Someone who loves you will…
- almost always put their cellular phone off when you are together
- not avoid or screen your phone calls or check up on who you have been phoning
- not lie to you
- make eye contact when you speak and listen to what you are saying
- say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ a lot
- not tell you what you need or should do
- seldom mind if you keep them waiting, but will work hard at being prompt for you
- not mind if there are things you’d prefer not to tell them
- usually ask you about your day
- laugh at your jokes even if the jokes are older than your grandfather
- work hard at loving your extended family even if it is only out respect for you
- encourage you to have many close friends
- enjoy seeing you using your skills and talents
- not tell you how to dress
- enjoy working together on the mundane daily tasks of life (www.tobeme.wordpress.com)
- show appreciation on days other than birthdays, holidays and anniverseries (www.tobeme.wordpress.com)
- take care of body, mind, and spirit (www.nancyaxelrad.wordpress.com)
- keep the faith with you in hard times (www.nancyaxelrad.wordpress.com)
- have patience not to give up, or leave, when business problems arise (www.dreambuilders.co.au)
- have ability to imagine what it’s like in the other person’s shoes before criticizing (www.dreambuilders.co.au)
- not try to change you (this and the following 3 are from “Mmmm”)
- remember the little things that matter in your life
- want to know the important people in your life
- introduce you to the important people in his/her life to show you are important
- will do, using the best of his/her ability, tasks that you ask him/her to do, even if he/she doesn’t enjoy the tasks and if they are a hassle or have no promise of any reward (From Joe at funkeemonk.com)
- has integrity, and will not say things just to make you feel better – even if they believe it to be untrue (www.funkeemonk.com/blog)
- will not insist on their way all the time
- will be kind to your friends
- will be careful with your feelings (www.lisamm.wordpress.com)
Posted in Communication, Forgiveness, In-laws, Recovery, Triggers, Trust, Voice |
8 Comments »
February 13, 2007
by Rod Smith
READER: My sister is going through a hard time with her job and her children (14 and 15). My husband and I were thinking of offering her some financial help. She is a single mother and has always prided herself on doing whatever it takes to get what she needs for her children. I do not want to offend her in any way but we would like to help. Not having any children of our own and having two incomes places us in a position where we can afford to help. Do you think our helping her will be a problem for our relationships in the future?
ROD’S RESPONSE: Pure generosity (no strings, hooks, secret agendas, or hidden motives) is enriching for both the she who gives, and she who receives. Go ahead. I’d suggest you arrange a private lunch with your sister and slip her a card in which you have placed your generous cheque or a bundle of cash. Write something like, “Please accept this gift. All you have to do in return is enjoy it!”
Posted in Faith, Family, In-laws |
1 Comment »
November 30, 2006
by Rod Smith
“My mother-in-law spoils our children and my wife won’t tell her to stop. We have been married for seven years and I am tired of her mother interfering in our lives and especially with spoiling the children. What should I do?”
When, Sir, did you lose the ability to speak for yourself? I trust you know that your mother-in-law’s power within your family might be a direct result of your unwillingness or inability to speak up for yourself.
Your wife’s mother is your mother-in-law: speak to her yourself.
I’d suggest that since you perceive your wife as the spokesperson for matters relating to your mother-in-law, that your assessment of how she treats your children might not be fair or accurate.
Before you launch into addressing this matter that is causing you distress, I’d suggest you get several opinions from friends who are men enough to have a mutual, respectful, and equal relationships with the mothers of their brides and the grandmothers of their children.
There are such men? Yes. I have met them in every culture I’ve had the joy of visiting.
Posted in Children, Communication, In-laws, Voice |
3 Comments »
August 28, 2006
by Rod Smith
Our loving son (23) got married two years ago and invited only my husband and me from his family. This was very hurtful. He has refused contact with his family whom he believes don’t understand his Christian faith. They live with his in-laws and his wife’s stepfather is the pastor. My husband has just recently undergone serious surgery. Our daughters went to visit him to tell them about his father’s illness. They stayed in the car outside their home to give him the message. Email contact is curt and brief. I emailed my son begging him for support as I miss him so much. The response was that the support I must get is from God. For a year we have respected his wishes but hope he will soon share his life with his family at this is difficult time. (Letter edited)
While your son is an adult and free to disconnect from his family, the disconnection is unlikely to serve him enduringly well. He is demonstrating cult-like behavior, whether he belongs to one or not. Except in rare circumstances, where a member of a family has been a victim of violence or sexually aberrant behavior, there are no helpful reasons to sever family ties. Your son is unlikely to find lasting emotional peace while being cutoff from his family.
Posted in Communication, Differentiation, In-laws, Marriage |
Leave a Comment »
June 23, 2006
by Rod Smith
My son and his wife have lived with me for 3 years. They don’t pay rent. I thought that by letting them live with me they’d save a lot for their new home. I have been getting really cross when she wastes money they should put toward their house. I am going without things to help them and she doesn’t go without anything. I could only do this because my husband died many years ago and he planned very well. What should I do? (Edited)
Allowing adults to live rent-free is unwise. Remember that something for nothing always costs somebody something. You are in this situation because you did not clearly clarify your expectations at the outset.
Tell them you were wrong in not charging them rent. Give them a date (I’d suggest the beginning of August 2006) by which you will have them sign a lease and begin paying rent. I’d suggest you ask a little less than they’d pay were they not renting from family. You might choose, since you want to help them get their own home, to put aside something of what they pay, and offer it to them as a gift once they have already purchased their new home.
Posted in Blended families, Family, In-laws |
Leave a Comment »
May 8, 2006
by Rod Smith
Q: My husband does not like my parents very much but puts up with them when they visit us about once every two weeks. He is civil to them and will even chat with both my parents about all sorts of things – all when it suits him. I want more – I want them to really bond like I have bonded with his parents. I think this will be good for our children to see a warm loving relationship between their father and all their grandparents. What can I do?
A: Stay out of this! Don’t interfere in relationships that do not include you. Your husband’s relationships with your parents might impact you, but they don’t include you. Leave your husband and your parents to “bond’ in any way they feel comfortable (or uncomfortable).
Your anxiety about the affairs of others is likely to be more damaging to your family than your husband’s cordial relationship with your parents.
Want for yourself and for matters that directly involve you. Wanting for others will make you feel superior, and make you feel important, but it is a waste of your energy. Don’t waste your wanting!
Posted in Anxiety, Communication, Family, In-laws |
33 Comments »
April 5, 2006
by Rod Smith
I feel like I have been hit on the back of the head with a cricket bat! My father-in-law is out of work and my husband has agreed to have him move in with us on a temporary basis. After my mother-in-law passed away two years ago the man has never been able to recover and I know this (his moving in) is going to put extra strain on our already tough marriage. The man is very kind and does not drink or smoke. it is just that he will be even more of a financial strain once he is living here. My husband did not ask me even though I know I would have agreed. What plan of action do you think I should take about how long he should stay and so on?
Welcome your husband’s father. Regard his moving in as an opportunity to empower and challenge everyone to grow from the experience. There are too many unknowns for me to be very specific in my suggestions, but these kinds of arrangements tend to “fall apart” when there is a lack of clarity at the outset. If you see this as temporary you might want to have both men spell out what “temporary” means to each of them.
Posted in In-laws |
Leave a Comment »
difficultrelationships.com 