May you meet gentle and warm hearted people and be warm hearted and gentle toward yourself and towards others. There appears to be so much fury and anger and so many people living on edge. May you and I offer a counter experience and offer others a place of welcome and safety. In doing so we may not change the world or make a shift or dent in our immediate environments but we will lift and encourage the hearts of a few.
May you be firm in your decisions and be confident in your dealings with yourself and others. There is a vast difference between confidence and arrogance and, while they are often confused, may you and I have only confidence. Inner-confidence permits others to take a stand, for themselves. Confidence will assist you and me to live deliberately and avoid victim thinking.
May you be generous and kind in a world that seems to promote selfishness, greed, indifference and even promote unkindness. This does not mean we have to give beyond our means or be un-thinking in our giving of time and resources. Wise giving of cash, talent, and time empowers others. Unwise giving of cash, talent and time will exhaust and deplete you and me.
I hear it over and over again – usually with a little whine in the tone.
It’s often whimpered as if happiness is some sort of award or a condition that may descend upon a person who is in the right place at the right time.
Truth is, you have more of a chance of being struck by lightning than you have being struck by happiness.
Happiness has no victims. It’s a by-product. It grows out of purposeful living.
Happiness remains out of control – even to the rich and powerful.
You may have noticed its penchant for playing hide and seek with the rich and powerful.
It’s yours when you fight and win the good fight over trying to be happy. It’s yours when you engage purposes greater than yourself, your pleasures, and appetites. The road to happiness is often paved with difficulty, things you may think will never deliver any joy.
It hides from the lazy, the self-indulgent, the entitled, the spoiled, the whiner, but embraces those seeking justice and authenticity and doing what is good and right by others.
Ironically happiness often escapes the rich and makes its home with the poor, the humble.
Oddly, it’s one thing that doesn’t, “follow the money.”
The array of twenty or more police cars, some with their lights still turning, had my full attention as I approached a busy city intersection.
Then I saw the young man, shoulders hunched, his hands tucked between his knees as if asleep on the street, dead.
The fist-sized red blotch in the center of his white t-shirt, had the boy been walking, may have passed for designer art.
At the time I drove by there was no crime-scene tape to keep people away but there was no one near him. No one was checking on him, trying to tend to him or comfort him.
A curtain of horror silenced onlookers, people of all ages who lined the periphery of this scene.
His aloneness shook me as much as the knowledge that he was dead, gone, no more.
Minutes before he was surely running, and now, nothing: no breath, movement, dreams, company or future.
Nothing.
And I could not fathom the depth of pain and sorrow that would soon be his mother’s, father’s, brothers’ and sisters’ and all who loved and taught and coached him.
He’d fallen, face away from where I passed by and so I never saw his face.
Where he’d been struck, marked by the red splash between the shoulders of his slender frame, perfectly in the center of his back, is what I did see.
And, and continue to see, over and over again.
May all who loved and all who knew this young man (19 years old – I read in a news report on reaching home) find comfort and peace.
The freedom to be alone and enjoy time to think and plan and explore an internal world for reflection and growth and appreciation – with the love and support of significant others.
The freedom to share life with a diverse collection of friends and associates with whom values and goals are shared – with the support of significant others.
The freedom to reach out to family and extended family without explanation or apology — with the encouragement of significant others.
The freedom to investigate and discover new interests and passions quite unlike those previously pursued – with the support of significant others.
The freedom to confront situations that are fraught with unease or dissatisfaction with the hope of developing a plan to shift circumstances and move away from untenable conditions – with the support of significant others.
The freedom to change (and sometimes to fail at changing) established unhelpful patterns, habits that have resulted in painful consequences – with support and not cynicism from significant others.
The freedom to rest and recuperate from stressful days, weeks, months, seasons in order to re-enter life and productivity with freshness and zeal – with encouragement and support from immediate family and significant others.
The freedom to seek help from outsiders and for help to be confidential — with support from significant others.
I have had the joy of being with you this past week: several of you shared meals with me and we met in ways I know I will remember. I hope you will, too. Thank you. Given the time I would have enjoyed such an opportunity with each of you. During your first session with me I told you I would give you my notes from each of my talks. If you read this letter today or in ten years it is all ok with me. People do what they are ready to do. Keep them. See how well they age. Remind yourself that I repeatedly said I am addressing the future you.
Day One I tried to tell you how unique and beautiful you are. This is not an older adult attempting to convince you of something adults generally want you to believe. As I said I really have never met – 50 countries and thousands of people later – anyone, anywhere who is not beautiful. Yes, I have met people who have done really ugly things and done a few myself, but, you (we) are beautiful. Get to know any human by listening, really listening, and I believe you will soon agree with me. We talked about leadership: I said Leadership is a Function, a role, not a position. If your motive in becoming a leader is to see your name at the top of a list or to be the boss, your distorted motive will be your constant hurdle. Leadership is about who and what you are and what you do within a community. It is not about status. If it is the status you seek, your drive for recognition will persistently contaminate your leadership. To lead others effectively it is necessary to know what you are good at and what you are not good at. Work at your strengths. Accommodate your weaknesses. Both are yours for the long-haul.
I encouraged you to consistently define yourself. If you don’t, someone will. Resist the natural anxious urge to define others. Become an expert in your own behavior. Resist the natural (anxious) urge to be an expert in the behavior of others, especially those who annoy you. Listen more than you speak. Make sure you are hearing, not waiting to talk. I closed saying Self-Leadership has by far the greatest impact on how effective you are as a leader. If you can’t lead yourself you can effectively lead nothing and no one.
Day Two I emphasized your (and my) uniqueness. I urged you to find within the depths of where your hearts, minds, spirits, souls meet (see it as a kind of Venn diagram) the beautiful “place” generally referred to as the SELF. YourSELF is beautiful, it’s as unique as your fingerprints, your voice, and your personality. It is shaped by your family history, your DNA, by enduring joyful and nurturing experiences. It is shaped also by trauma, by loss, grief and so much else. This SELF is resilient. The Self wants to be well. It self-repairs (given conducive conditions). It is not Selfish to find and love and know yourSelf. I would suggest it is selfish NOT to. People who avoid Self-Awareness because they consider it selfISH are usually people who put stress on leadership teams and on friendships and battle with boundary confusion – “I am I, you are you, we are we, Let’s not confuse the three” – Remember? It’s corny BUT if you live it, it will save you a LOT of pain and therapist bills!
Day Three I emphasized your God-given desire for Autonomy. It’s part of your humanity. To desire self-directedness (AUTONOMY – SPACE, ROOM TO MOVE, freedom to be yourself) comes with your birth package. When it is unfulfilled – or ignored – you will be discontent. You have a similar God-given desire for Intimacy. This is part of your humanity. We all want some closeness, to belong, to be part of. Accepting that these Dueling Desires live within you and recognizing they are present in all the people will make it easier for you to welcome both into their legitimate place within your life. You (and I) really grow up when you (we) meet these needs in yourself AND understand that others are similarly driven. When your best friend chooses to be alone (wants Autonomy) it is not a rejection of you (necessarily) if you, at the same time, want Intimacy. Remember, you cannot LOVE and CONTROL the same person.
This afternoon (Thursday) and Day Four, I left you with eight things I would tell my younger self:
Save, and never touch, one third of all the money you earn. Few people regret having saved from an early age. Few things upset adulthood as well as financial pressures.
Honor your family and extended family relationships above all other relationships. If you are a brother or a son, a niece or an aunt, be the best one you can be.
Learn to live without blaming others. While others are indeed imperfect, blaming others for anything will seldom get you to where you really want to go. There are exceptions which I made clear (I hope).
Forgive, truly forgive, but remember. To forgive and forget is often foolish and even impossible. Remembering is not the same as holding a grudge. There are exceptions which I made clear (I hope).
Find your VOICE and hold onto it. Finding your voice means figuring out what you want your life to say. Only a small portion of finding your voice has to do with actual words.
Every unfortunate or bad thing that happens to you will ultimately offer you a choice. Will it become SEED (for growth) or STONE (resentment or hardness)? Seed will be most helpful to you. The choice will always be yours.
Pursue (chase) education even over romance. Few people regret having a sound education.
Gain understanding about your power, the power that comes with being human. Treasure it; Protect it, Deploy it. Use it for its intended purpose only.
I have loved being with you. Thank you. I especially enjoyed the Talent Show and the party. I loved watching your amazing capacity to have fun and I particularly enjoyed seeing some of you who arrived earlier this week appearing shy and withdrawn having the time of your lives.
Rod
Dad, Uber Driver, International Speaker and Newspaper Columnist
Save, and never touch, one third of all the money you earn. Few people regret having saved from an early age. Few things upset adulthood as powerfully as constant financial pressures.
Honor your family and extended family relationships above all other relationships. If you are a brother or a son, a niece or an aunt, be the best one you can be.
Learn to live without blaming others. While others are indeed imperfect, blaming others for anything you are will seldom get you to where you really want to go.
Forgive, truly forgive, but remember. To forgive and forget is often foolish and often impossible. Remembering is not the same as holding something against another.
Find your voice and don’t let others try to take it from you. Finding your voice means figuring out what you want your life to say. Only a little of finding your voice has to do with actual words.
Every bad or unfortunate thing that happens to you, once you have gotten over the shock, will offer you a choice. Will it become seed (for growth) or stone (resentment or hardness)? Seed will be most helpful to you.
Pursue as much education as possible even over and above romance. Few people regret having a sound education.
Gain understanding about your power, the power that comes with being human. Treasure it; Protect it, Deploy it. Use it for its intended purpose only.
I am sure things stick in your memory as they do in mine.
My parents home on Blackburn Road was the most open home you could imagine.
Strangers were simply people whom you were yet to know.
Week in, week out, on a Sunday our home was open to a flow of family and friends who stayed for lunch and then often stayed for dinner after and afternoon around the pool. All of this occurred while my parents also ran their grocery shop at the front of our property and to which our home was attached.
Often there’d be a dozen or even twenty people for Sunday lunch and my parents were never alarmed when new people showed up, often unannounced.
One couple, apparently our mother’s distant cousins, were regulars. Harold and Muad (of course not their real names) were known for their wealth and their beach-side home in an affluent part of the city.
Harold and Maud were regulars, coming Sunday after Sunday for lunch, often staying for dinner.
After my parents sold the grocery shop and after my mother’s death, dad let me know he’d dropped in to see the cousins while out on a Sunday afternoon drive to ease his loneliness.
“Can you come back later, we are having lunch,” said Harold.
There is so much to learn from two readers who have responded to a recent column about unfinished grief:
“My husband died after a very long illness (about 8 years, although it’s hard to know when exactly it started) and after the initial shock, which lasted about three months, I started to think again. I can now say, five years later, that I am very grateful his pain has ended and some relief has come to our immediate and extended family. Of course I wanted a different outcome but I am now living with what I have.”
“Thank you for sharing the Path of Grief. My husband died almost 3 years ago. I still feel I am on a journey without him and could not contemplate ‘moving on.’ It’s a process and we who are grieving are all on our own path. Life is just so so different after losing a partner, I was married for 61.5 years so never knew a life without my husband but day by day we begin to live again as they would want us to. I’m one of these people who continually talks to my late husband telling him things that are happening in my life and with the family.”
“I am sitting at the Johannesburg Airport Hotel passing time until my flight to reunite with my family in Kuala Lumpur tomorrow. I fell upon your column about dealing with grief. What an inspiring article! Thank you for that. I have not suffered the type of grief one can hardly recover from so far and by God’s grace. I can only imagine one’s loneliness in it. Well done for your advice. Go well my friend. It will be nice to meet you one fine day.”
The reader quoted above was inspired by my writing. I, in turn, am deeply encouraged and also inspired by her response to the column. It’s a very good feeling to open emails to such a warm response. Such responses are what keeps me writing. Added, the writer reveals that she has read the column outside of the usual area of the newspaper’s readership.
Writing about grief usually gets a lot of reader response. There are a lot of people struggling with loss and are at a loss about how to cope. It is apparently a topic visited only when people are in need. This is fully understandable. Who wants to talk about such things when there is little or nothing to grieve?
“What do you do when you are sometimes overcome with grief years after a significant loss and people do say insensitive things to you?” a reader asks.
You try to learn about yourself, about others, from all that happens to you and all the things people say and ask. You try to grow from it. By growth I mean by doing your part to develop a deeper understanding of yourself and others. You challenge yourself to become kinder than you already are even towards insensitive people. You commit developing greater and authentic empathy for others who have also suffered loss and those who will suffer loss but seem not to know it.
How we, you and I, respond, react, and reply to what occurs to us and is said to us reveals what kind of person is living within the deepest recesses of our hearts, minds, souls. Our responses to the actions of others reveals and exposes who we really are. Awareness of what’s within us will hopefully lead you and me to a commitment to the beautiful journey of repeatedly unleashing the kindness and grace living within you and me (and all people) that we may enhance the lives of others in our individual spheres of influence.
difficultrelationships.com 