November 23, 2006
by Rod Smith
Of course you are going to fall apart, and mourn the loss of the future you thought you’d have.
You will feel like death itself and even welcome your own.
Then, when your mind somewhat clears, you’ll wonder what really occurred. You will question what you might have done to cause the marriage breakdown and wonder what you might have done to save it.
Then you will bargain with God, your husband, even your children, or with anyone who will listen as you urgently try to get things back to normal, and get yourself back into his heart, head, and bed.
And, when things somewhat settle, and you’ve gotten some rest, and you emerge from the initial impact of what has occurred, you will see that this is not about you, or what you did or did not do. You will see there that there is no real power in bargaining with him, or real value in your becoming whatever you think he’d prefer you to be.
You will see that, quite apart from whatever he decides to do, there is great power and value in picking up your life, one emotion at a time, and doing what is best for yourself and your children.
Call Rod now…..
Posted in Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Divorce, High maintenance relationships, Past relationships, Victims, Violence |
358 Comments »
November 21, 2006
by Rod Smith
“I am involved with a woman I have known since our early teens. She was married and got divorced. She has two children and I love them all very much. My relationships (with them) are fine but I feel great insecurity about her ex-husband. I tell myself that I must be better and bigger. I don’t think this is healthy. What can I do to make the feelings go away? What can my partner do to help?” (Letter edited)
Rod’s response: Insecurity is both pervasive and generic. It will rear its head whenever its host is threatened or challenged. I’d guess you’ve had similar feelings stirring within you long before you became romantically involved.
Your partner can do nothing since your feelings are your business. Don’t try to make them her business. This is not about her ex-husband.
While you compete with her former husband, your new family (if you marry) will not know you for who you are. I challenge you to establish your unique approach to love and parenting without reference to the man with whom you may share parenting responsibilities.
Your feelings will not go away until you appreciate your unique contribution to the children and their mother, a role which, at its best, will compliment the ex-husband’s role with his children.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Divorce, Family, Love, Parenting/Children, Step parenting, Stepfather |
1 Comment »
October 30, 2006
by Rod Smith
How to know it’s “a go” when dating someone who is divorced…
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The former marriage has been amicably settled, and at least a full year has passed after the divorce has been final.
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He/she takes appropriate responsibility for the breakdown of the former marriage.
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He/she wants a healthy spiritual, emotional, and intellectual relationship with a diverse range of people before he/she wants to become sexually involved with any one person.
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He/she is involved in his/her children’s lives, and is paying his/her share of child support.
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He/she places a very high priority on rearing his/her own children, while at the same time is respectful of your children and your relationship with your children.
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He/she can conduct meaningful conversations with the former spouse regarding matters pertaining to the children.
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He/she is very respectful of marriage, sex, and the opposite sex, despite the breakdown of a previous marriage.
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He/she is not threatened by your occasional encounters with his/her former spouse or persons associated with the former marriage.
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He/she has deep regard for the process involved in establishing relationships, and is willing to take time to allow intimacy to properly develop.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Divorce, Re-marriage |
3 Comments »
October 16, 2006
by Rod Smith
“I am dating a woman who has three children (8, 13, 15) from a marriage that ended long ago. She is determined to be a good friend to her ex-husband. This means the ex-husband is almost always in the picture and it seems like he is still part of the family. I am uncomfortable with this. It feels like they have never really divorced in some ways. Please help.” (Paraphrase of a much longer letter)
Get out of the middle!
No matter how much love you may develop for each other, as father of the children, her ex is going to be a part of the family equation. Any attempts, on your part, to interfere, or restrict his involvement, will come back to haunt only you. If the day comes that she wants to lessen her contact with him, I’d suggest it be at her initiation, not yours. I am fully aware that this may seem “off the wall” to many, but if you, the new man in the children’s lives, try to construct the dynamics according to your will, it will all begin, over time, to cave in on you. Leave any social re-organizing to the woman whom you are dating and offer her all the support she needs in facing her very tough task.
Posted in Children, Communication, Divorce, Family, Marriage, Re-marriage |
40 Comments »
October 5, 2006
by Rod Smith
Reader Writes: “I don’t believe my spouse had a sexual affair, but he definitely was too involved with a female coworker. I just found out that they have been talking on the phone for the past 16 months (January 05 to May 06) behind my back. They talked every morning and two and three times every night, and then on weekends. He says they are just friends and they talked about ‘work and general stuff.’ I know everyone he works with, and all his friends. I even know this woman, yet I never heard one conversation they had in those 16 months. He says I need to put it in perspective and move on. He has ended their communications and has apologized for his ‘transgression.’ So yes, I consider myself ‘cheated on.’ If she is such a friend, why isn’t this friendship shared with me and his family like every other friendship we’ve had?”
Rod Responds: Your reasoning is superb, and your question utterly valid. I hope your husband values the treasure he has in you, his wife. Any friendship consuming the time and energy you have described is most certainly not a healthy liaison. That it ever had to be secret is the largest and most glaring red flag.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Communication, Divorce, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Manipulation, Marriage, Past relationships, Pornography, Re-marriage, Space, Spousal abuse, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
2 Comments »
October 4, 2006
by Rod Smith
“My seventeen-year-old stepson is not required to do any work around the house, clean his room, earn money, or go to school when he does not feel like it. He talks to his mother like (she is) a dog and gets into our private business as adults. Several times has sworn (cussed) and shouted at me with no consequences for it. I am supposed to do everything I can for him and yet he treats me with no respect at all. His mother will bend over backwards to do anything for him and I am always (made out to be) the bad guy. I am leaving this relationship.”
Rod Responds: The young man did not get to this point alone. He had at least three adults help (enable) him to become this difficult. It is likely that the viruses that came with the re-marriage (guilt, over-compensation, avoidance, lack of definition, and so forth) remained latent in the early years of the new marriage and while he was younger.
When a person is allowed to violate the boundaries of others, relational diseases grow. When ignored, relationship viruses will multiply, and relationships will reach the state described by the reader. These relationships may be irreconcilable.
Some foresight, planning and clarity, offered by the adults, might have avoided this bitter ending.
Posted in Blended families, Children, Differentiation, Divorce, Family, High maintenance relationships |
1 Comment »
October 2, 2006
by Rod Smith
Reader: I have had a breakup with someone who was everything to me. I can hardly sleep. I think of nothing but him. I cry everyday. I don’t want to eat. I am losing weight. I am closing myself off to other people. Can a person survive such heartbreak? (Letter shortened)
Rod Replies: Writing, the very act of getting your words onto a page might be an important first step in re-discovering your life. I’d suggest you keep a journal of your gained strengths and small victories. While the journal might include details of your pain, be careful not to make it the focus of your writing.
May I suggest, as kindly as I know how, that the next time you fall in love, you have enough of a life of your own, so that you will not need to invest yourself quite so completely in another. Not even a spouse ought to be anyone’s “everything.” Making anyone “everything” creates a lot of pressure for even the healthiest of relationships.
While you might not think it to be true, a broken heart can completely heal. Even though, at this early stage of your healing you may feel like hiding from others, I’d suggest you force yourself to re-enter the world through a few trusted relationships.
Posted in Betrayal, Divorce, Love |
3 Comments »
September 20, 2006
by Rod Smith
If one spouse forgives the other for cheating, why does it (always) get brought up in conversations long after the cheating has ended and after the forgiveness has been granted? (Question asked “online”)
Here are four, of many, reasons:
1. Sexual infidelity severely wounds people (all people involved) and relationships on many levels. Its power to shake life ought never be underestimated. Betrayal cuts a deep wound and often dislodges the capacity for future trust. (This is for the victims and the perpetrators!)
2. Because of the intense intimacy that can accompany the sex act, the betrayed spouse might go on a quest to know if the “stolen sex” led his or her partner into deeper levels of intimacy than were achieved within the marriage.
3. The forgiver will probably interpret silence (or anger, or even “over” focus) as an indication the affair did not really cease, or that it has been re-ignited.
4. Talking can connect people, and it can (but does not always) offer hurt people a sense of legitimate control and order. People who have been betrayed often want to talk about their experience (hurt, pain) as an attempt to stop their lives from (the feeling of) running totally out of control.
Men and women who have participated in infidelity, and who yet have a forgiving spouse who is willing to work on the marriage, are encouraged to talk openly about anything the forgiving spouse may want talk about. There are some necessary limits to this which I will go into in another posting.
Posted in Affairs, Betrayal, Communication, Divorce, Forgiveness, Listening, Marriage, Voice |
9 Comments »
July 31, 2006
by Rod Smith
My stepsons (8 and 9) visit us on weekends. My husband and I find their visits very thrilling. Occasionally when they get back to their mother’s they speak negatively of their experiences with us. My husband and I have talked this through with their mother. She knows what a nice time they have here and how “normal” we make it. Why would they make it sound negative? Have other readers had similar experiences?
As the children grow up you will see many phases of how they view and interpret their world. I would not make an issue of it. The miracle I see is a step mother, dad and mother are all talking to each other about how to handle the children! Are you aware how rare this is? Congratulations.
I have seen parallel circumstances in my own son who is 8. He will go to an event and have what appears to be the best time of his life – and then “re-write” the experience once it is over. I have come to the conclusion that this is how he copes with something that he has really enjoyed, coming to an end.
Posted in Divorce, Family |
3 Comments »
July 15, 2006
by Rod Smith
Completing grief, after death or divorce, can take years, and then lead to the reawakening of new love and refreshed hope. A dirge can become a wedding song.
I’ve witnessed great love and wonderful joy at second, third weddings,and seen families embrace new members in ways they never thought possible. I’ve seen men and women, having been pulled through the ringer of a cruel divorce, or the trauma of prolonged illness and then death of a beloved spouse, learn to laugh, trust, dance, and really love again.
Life often offers multiple chances at love, and the best candidates, for second marriages, may well be those who were happily married but who lost a spouse to illness, and those who have emerged from divorce without lingering bitterness.
Yes, life is full of hope for those with the eyes to find it, and the courage to embrace it. May those who embark on new love, having emerged from the ashes of death or divorce, find joy and fulfillment in very large, overflowing doses.
Posted in Divorce |
11 Comments »
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