• Define yourself before someone else does. There is always someone willing to have that pleasure for you.
• We are all to be treasured, honored, and valued. Our worth has nothing to do with economic status or educational status.
• Bitterness and cynicism always poison the bearer and are never helpful. Few things distort a future as powerfully as holding onto past disappointments.
• Truth and vulnerability expressed in mutual and respectful relationships are always helpful. Not everyone you meet deserves your vulnerability. Some people really are out to get you.
• Know what you want even if there is no chance or little chance of getting what you want. Knowing what you want will somewhat steer you from really unwise choices although nothing is foolproof.
• Watch your words, make them sweet, in the event you have to eat them.
• Humble yourself before life does it for you. Life has a way of addressing arrogance and pride even if it sometimes takes its time.
• Stay out of control and keep most of the rules of polite society. Don’t fall into guilt traps usually set by people who have no vision for their own lives.

There’s lots I love about humanity and find fascinating about us. One, of many, is that as a species we are just a little self-obsessed. I am not even into them but I can name about 16 psychological and personality tests which try to assess, understand, evaluate every nook and cranny of a person’s life. 

We love to try to know how we function or don’t and what we can do to fix ourselves as if it is possible or as if we were a low mileage Ford or Toyota. 

More than a few times I’ve been “assessed” by people who know very little about the tests, less about themselves, and yet regard themselves as experts. 

My favorite by far is The Enneagram but I’ve decided to come up with a new test. 

It’s easy to self-administer, score, and analyze.

Are you ready? 

Make lists of the things, people, circumstances you love and hate or hate and love – you choose which comes easier – but do it really quickly and no details are required.

Do this for about 15 minutes, or, take as long as you want.

Which came easier to you? Which flowed out of you with greater ease? 

Which tended to dominate, the positives or the negatives? 

Now, go ahead, analyze all you want.   

How I regard you, treat you, view you, value you is of paramount importance. It says nothing about you but exposes volumes about me.

This is a hard one for some people, even very intelligent people, to grasp. I think this is because even if you are very bright and have an arm’s length of degrees, walls of trophies, an endless lists of glowing accomplishments and you may be richer than Solomon at his peak of wealth, if you are angry, bitter, vengeful or crude, it comes out of you (and me) no matter how much you try to dress it up into something decent or acceptable or explainable.

How we treat all others (no exceptions) is about who and what we are no matter who “they” are or what kind of people “they” are no matter who or what “they” happen to be or not be.

Let’s be clear: I don’t care if you are the big cheese in some church or business or get a motorcade through the middle of the city because of your so-called importance, when I see you treat another person poorly I know what you are made of and it is not pretty.

Even then, though, I try to treat you with respect, because my response to you is not about you, it’s about me and who I am.     

Things I like to do when I come to Durban

I like to drive down to the entrance to the harbor and look for the spot where I spread my dad’s ashes. His descriptions of Pearl Gibson singing to the men passing by on ships going out to war were vivid, so vivid that when I’ve walked the pier it’s as if I can hear her singing “We’ll meet again.”

I like to drive through the city at night. Then, park on the sight of the snake park and walk down the beachfront to where the dodgem cars used to be. If my younger son is with me he usually rollerblades way ahead of me and we meet for ice cream. We get the one with the Cadbury Flake stuck in the middle. It’s a memory I treasure because I share it with him and because it’s reminiscent of days earlier when we walked that part 60 years ago.

I enjoy taking my extended Durban family out for good curry meals. They always know where the curries are hot! I enjoy the diversity of foods available in the Durban area. Then, I have never visited Durban without going to Mitchell Park to greet Gordon Michael who has served so many people so faithfully for so many years.

Addictions and addicts are swamped in denial.

The use of any substance or participation in any behavior is a problem (is an addiction) for you if even one of the following is true.

As a result of the use of a substance or engagement in a behavior: 

• You’ve lost, or come close to losing, a significant relationship or your  job.
• You’ve had a run in with the law.
• Your children are unsettled by your activities.
• You have physical cravings when you have been without it for a few minutes or a few days.
• You violate your values, or appear to have no values, to sustain your activity.
• You build your life around something people who love you wish you wouldn’t consume or do.
• Your life – finances, faith, and relationships – has become progressively unmanageable.
• You hide or you lie about your whereabouts and/or behavior.
• People who love you are put “on duty” and you expect them to lie for you.
• People, especially those you love, are embarrassed by your behavior.
• You hate a list like this list and hope certain people won’t see it.
• When confronted with this list you argue about definitions, display anger or rage, or write the writer off as an idiot.

Please, get help, AA, AL-ANON, and similar organizations are able to assist you. You do not have to live like this!

Are you ever disappointed in your sons? Do they ever let you down, are you ever angry with them? You write about them as if they’re perfect.

My sons are far from perfect. I’m far from perfect as a man and as a dad. I trust I have not given the overriding impression that we have an idyllic family. We don’t. As imperfect as my sons may be, I regard them as being close to perfect in my eyes. It’s the way I see them. It’s the way I choose to see them. My sons’ imperfections pale next to mine at their respective ages. They are both open and transparent with me in ways I never was with my own parents.

Do they ever disappoint me? Yes, but it is usually very short-lived. I’m usually quick to see that sometimes my expectations are unrealistic. Do I make excuses for them? Of course, I love them. I am blind to many of their faults and thank goodness they’re blind many of mine. Do I ever get angry with them? Far more than I’d like to admit. But it is almost always because I’m projecting something from my history onto their fairly innocent lives.

Everything begins inside. Every act of benevolence, of mercy, human kindness, begins within whomever generates it. The head, heart, mind, the soul of the person conceiving it is where it begins. Then it can be developed and shared with others until it grows and even become a movement.

Destruction also begins inside. Deceitful plans, selfishness, begin on the inside. Such motivations may be born in desperation, hunger, jealousy, selfishness, or lust; nonetheless they come from within.

Many poor people will not cheat and desperate people who do not feed the desperation with immoral actions. The soul, that powerful combination of heart, mind, spirit is the rudder, that steers the ship. The inside, the inner person, is essential in directing a person’s life, and should not be ignored or denied.

When I avoid the messages from within, and walk towards that which I know is unhealthy for me, I’m deploying my own destructive ends. When my inner person says “yes” to destructive things, I know I’m creating a pathway to my own dis-ease and downfall. When I acknowledge the dangers thoughts and motivations lurking within me, and pay heed to the warning lights, I save myself from an awful lot of pain and anguish, and pain and anguish for others, too.

“Return to no person evil for evil,” words penned by an ancient Saint, are as cutting and relevant as they ever were. 

“Cutting” because they can stop evil in its tracks, halt its progression. Relevant because we are all, at least anyone with a smidgen of insight and a dash of humility, will admit we are faced with evil options (self-centeredness, self-gratifying motives, win at all costs attitudes, dog eat dog philosophies) with regularity.

To be so is so “normalized” it’s even taught in leadership schools and business schools. Retaliation and vengeance, may be common, even instinctive, but are usually unhelpful if any healing is to occur.

They are agents of escalation.

Refusing to honor evil with a return act of evil is likely to be an agent of de-escalation.

“Return to no person evil for evil” has astounding power. It empowers victims and robs evil of its momentum.

Where and when will this craziness end? None of us knows. How will it end? None of us knows. I can only hope that vastly different challenges we all face will end with growth for you and for me because we walked the dangerous road of refusing to play tit-for-tat.

Good morning, please, tell me something beautiful. Tell me of private acts of kindness you witnessed. Good afternoon. Tell me something uplifting, about a moment you saw “unlikely” happiness. Good evening, let me tell you about the goodness that surrounded our lives today?

When I, your distant columnist (Siri tells me I am 14,225K from Durban’s city hall), try to promote such dialogue, I am not suggesting blindness to your difficulties or that I deny the challenges I face.

Difficulties are obvious, glaring, they are in our faces.

The beautiful, uplifting, the goodness surrounding you and me are often subtle; working, creating, and loving, beneath the surface. The bully is easy to see. He or she is unmistakable, completely lacking in creativity and subtlety. The humble often does his or her work from a hidden place. Beauty is often created in private, shared only with those who are very close. Kindness is often most tangible in one-to-one encounters, known only to the giver and only sometimes to the receiver. Tell me your beautiful stories, please. I long to hear. Tell me about the goodness that surrounds you, gives you hope for tomorrow. Good morning, good afternoon, good night – whenever you are reading. It’s a good day because none of us is alone.

Be careful when you inflict evil upon South Africans. They will almost always unite across every conceivable barrier and return your evil with graciousness and kindness that will sizzle the goals of your dark motives.

Watch out when “Boer maak a plan” and “Ubuntu” combine. The tenacious combination that will explode into widespread love and success. These two concepts (inventiveness under pressure and working together for the communal good) come from extremes, sometimes enemies, but will unite and come for you and accost you with so much kindness that you will come to regret your unimaginative evil (it always is) and wish you’d seen what they already know: good defeats evil every time.

The majority of South Africans are unusual that way, they go into retreat after an attack but it should not be confused with defeat. They are planning, uniting, then they will share, serve, clean, sing, pray and dance in the streets and grace will prevail.

Choirs will sing in the most devastated areas. Meals will be prepared for the very people who destroyed and looted. There’ll be widespread repentance and resilient love will emerge from this horrible circumstance. You watch, this looting and destruction, will turn into love and rebuilding and the plans of the disruptors will be successfully derailed.