“My husband, like many other men, considers Mothers Day to be a commercialized rip-off. He says that I am not his mother and will not acknowledge Mothers Day for me. I feel it would be nice to be acknowledged as the mother of his children . It would be nice if he set a good example to the children and helped them choose a card or very small gift so that they learn to show appreciation for what is done for the mom a daily basis. What I find very hurtful is that  the day before Mothers Day he asks me what I have bought for his mother for Mothers Day even though she is not MY mother. Every Fathers Day I buy him a small gift and a card from myself and the children and wish him because I think it is healthy for the children to learn to say thank you and show appreciation and also I would like to be the bigger person. We have had children for 16 years. Please comment.”

Mother Day may well be a commercialized rip-off. But, your husband could still MAKE something beautiful for you and, in so doing,  teach your children to resist predatory commercialism and express how he treasures the mother of his children! Happy Mothers Day!

“My husband is the best person I have ever known. But slowly over the course of a year and a half, he’s come to the realization that he is not in love with me anymore. He is trying to ‘do the right thing’ and hasn’t left the home but its just like we are friends now…no more lovers. I am so lonely and I feel horrible every time I think about it. I know I could have been better in our marriage. I admitted to my weaknesses and faults and genuinely saw things for the first time in a new light that made me want to change. But its been 8 months and maybe my efforts are too late. We met in high school. We grew up together and were each other’s best friends. But now in his eyes, I’m like an enemy. He needs to ‘find himself’ and he feels like he can’t do that with me.  I never thought in a million years I’d be in this situation. But I still love him and still hope and still pray.”

Avoid blaming yourself.  I hope your husband begins to see his marriage as his only legitimate crucible in which he may truly “find” himself.

I am going to:

1. be kind to others even when they might be unkind to me;
2. forgive others even if they do not ask for it or deserve it;
3. be generous to people who least expect it;
4. complete, when possible, the most difficult tasks first;
5. turn the other cheek;
6. seek ways to enhance the lives of those who speak ill of me;
7. buy a needy family groceries (anonymously);
8. leave larger tips than ever for servers in restaurants;
9. listen more than talk;
10. be unpredictable and out of control

“When I look back I realize it took about ten years for us to be truly married. Of course the ceremony happened in a day but that is not what I am talking about. It took about ten years for us to both feel really at home with each other, to relax with the problems we each saw in ourselves and in each other. The ‘crazy days’ of very young children did help us. It gave us a focus other than ourselves but we both knew that would not last. The real changes came when we backed off from trying to fix what we did not like about the other. What is remarkable is that our love is deep but something of the romantic quality has almost gone – yet, I love my wife more than ever.”  (Paraphrased)

“My wife is the reason for everything in my life. I am a success because she is with me. I know she is my refuge and whenever I am frustrated she has a way of putting things into context and helping me see straight.”  (Paraphrased)

“My wife and I have a dynamic I am sure you’d find interesting. Sometimes we fight like siblings and she is always the big sister. The secret to our great love is that we don’t take ourselves too seriously.” (Paraphrased)

“How do you handle older teenagers who swear at you and call you the ‘b’ word because you say clean your room or clean up your mess in the kitchen? They are verbally abusive even around our baby. I tell them not to curse in my home. They speak to their dad like this as well. I hate wanting nothing to do with them. I am the adult here. I should think that I have a say in my own home, but it feels like I am a guest. Who was here first is not the issue. They should refrain from such behavior when asked. They steal and break things. It seems to me ‘mom’ decided she was finished with dealing with this all the time and I do not think they even like their father. It’s hard because I do love them but I would not choose them as friends. My husband and I don’t fight unless it’s about them. I almost feel like I should just leave. I get stressed because I don’t know what is going to happen next. I feel like I’m taking the eggshell walk.” (Edited)

Clearly this is not simply a matter of respect. Everyone is suffering. Until dad takes a stand the children will rule!

“I have a daughter who is married but lives with me. Her husband comes on weekends and takes her out. He does nothing else for her. In four years of marriage she lived with him for only about 3 months. He said he made a mistake. I have tried to stop her going with him but my sisters say she should be allowed to go out with him otherwise she get depressed. She is quiet reserved and has no friends. She waits for Saturdays. She gets happy and bubbly. She loves to be at home and loves to cook. She is not ambitious. I tried telling her in the past that she should divorce him and get on with her life and improve herself. I can’t tell her to leave home because she is not working and is on disability. What can I say or do to give her a wake up call?” (Minimal edits)

Your daughter and her husband have found the perfect accomplice in you. What incentive is there for change to occur? Your mothering days are long-gone and yet you (understandably — I think!) provide a safe place for your daughter. Earlier accommodations on your part have created the way your family functions. Nothing will change until you do.