“This sudden extreme case of “menopausal rage” being inflicted by a mother and wife on all around her can only be described as selfish and egocentric because every time she lashes out she is aware of how much she is affecting those around her. Menopause is being blamed for her wanting to upset her loved ones. I am a medical doctor as well as a wife and mother. I will advise both the husband & wife to get transcripts of Larry King Live “Change Your Mind , Change Your Life” 03/08/08. Basically she has to instruct her brain not to lash out and as Candace Pert , one of his guest says ‘”Our brains are wired for bliss” So do not despair ,show your wife that she is in control of what she is telling her brain to do and she can change all your lives by telling her brain that Menopause is not to blame for her outbursts.”
Monopause…..
Dear Rod Smith:
Thank you for opening the debate up to the public with regards to the woman who is going through an angry menopause.
During menopause especially but also before her period (the infamous PMS) a woman is more in tune with what is happening in the collective.
Women have not been able to express anger for the last 5000 to 6000 years due to the patriarchal construct in which it was appropriate to submit to men. With the collapse of this system women are feeling safe enough to express their anger for the first time. After holding it back for so long is it really surprising that perhaps they are a bit incompetent.
This situation is clearly reflected in the menopausal woman’s case. No doubt she has kept her anger in check for the past 50 years and as she goes through the rite of passage to wise woman she is no longer prepared to play it like that. My guess is at this point she couldn’t really care less what others think of her.
Is her anger justified? It is difficult to tell from the letter what things she is getting angry at. I would say though that if you have eyes and heart there is little not to be angry about.
I personally stay in touch with reality not only through my intuition but also through fact finding. I read in the Mercury yesterday that a woman gets raped in South Africa every 17 seconds, which works out to 1.85 million rapes per year or 7% of the women in SA get raped every year. It appears nothing short of miraculous to get through a life without being subjugated in this way. All the women in the Congo have been raped, many with sharp objects. Apparently in America 1/5 women gets raped in her lifetime, this means that 1/5 American men are rapists. This is enough to make me stark raving mad. Perhaps in the 1940’s my partner could have sent me in for a lobotomy.
It is clear to me that pent up anger, which explodes inappropriately is rather useless both for the self and the world. Anger however shows its face when there is something wrong. I think it is high time that people start helping women to see that their anger is justified and how to use it effectively. I think if her husband loves her, he should ask her to explain why she is so angry and dedicate time and energy to the process. I also think he should endeavor to learn how to surrender to truth, when he hears it. I have little doubt that some of her anger is to do with the way that BOTH of them have constructed their relationship in the past.
I also think that she needs to do some inner work, seeing all the unconscious patterns she is playing out in order to be able to contain her anger and hone it into a laser like sharpness aimed at all the injustice of the world, personal and collective, past and present. If all angry women would do this, I think we could see a radical transformation of the world at large in a relatively short space of time. We need to believe that it is safe enough(i.e men must take a vow of non-violence and a vow to remain engaged until the situation has fully unwound) or be prepared to die for truth (virtually any man is superior in physical combat). I ascribe most forms of depression which afflicts many, many women to be a denial of anger due to the lack of safe forum. Her husband could help to create that safe space for her and for all women.
I have noted in myself, and in other women, an ‘automatic submission programme’ playing out. This often it is this that gets me into anger. I also perceive that men have an ‘automatic domination programme’ running, which gets me angry too. Looking deeper I see in women it comes out of a fear of abusing their power while men’s consciousness appears to be more polarized into a fear of being dominated. These two together set up a tricky situation in the interplay between masculine and feminine, keeping us apart, like that famous dance the Tango.
In the end, obviously it would be ideal for all people to be able to express the truth clearly enough for it to be undeniable and delivered without the presence of anger. To complement that way of a being we need a willingness to be able to surrender to truth, despite the humiliation which arises in the human psyche out of being wrong or finding out that you have been tyrannical in some witting or unwitting way.
I hope my letter finds you well. I see it is probably too long for publication, at least in the newspaper where I read your column. I trust you will contemplate it fully and if you edit it, maintain the balanced viewpoint I have attempted to convey.
Kind Regards
Barbara (last name removed by Rod
Can this relationship be saved….?
I am 35 and was in a relationship with a much younger woman (21). First, I remained distant, and it was casual. I had been badly burned and had trust issues. I recognized some of her warning signs. She was volatile, self-centered, and immature. She was a bit promiscuous with possible drinking problems. However, after a few months, and her continually telling me she loved me and wanted me to open up to her and I did. We would have fights usually after she had been drinking but my feelings grew stronger and I began to be jealous and possessive. We had bad fights that led to heavy pushing and shoving. Her friends don’t like me because it is all about getting drunk and crazy times. Now we have broken up and it seems like it may be for good. We didn’t speak for two weeks, then she called me and we met and had sex for hours but said we couldn’t be together. Can this ever work out?
While I am usually hopeful, this relationship seems toxic to the point of no return. This is a perfect example of how sex PREVENTS loving. The sex was selfish, and lustful, and merely cemented the fact that you probably have no healthy future together. Keep apart. Get yourself healthy, then you will attract healthy women.
Help me through HER menopause…..!
Reader response to questions is usually helpful. In the spirit of trusting readers to know what is helpful and appropriate, apart from my suggesting the correspondent remain defined about who he is and to be patient and kind, I am going to trust I’ll get many responses to this plea which will be publishable over the next few days:
“I am at my wits end. My wife is going through menopause and has become quite maniacal in her behaviour towards others. She has developed a violent temper that leads her to respond with terrifying rage to anything and everyone. Everyone is wrong, stupid and incompetent. She is at war with her family, her neighbours, her transient friends, our pets and me. The advice she gets reinforces her view that she is right and everyone else is wrong. She threatens to divorce me because I am not the person she expects me to be. She seems incapable of any sort of reflection or introspection that might help her see that her reactions are extreme. She will probably do something stupid and dangerous. I want to help but all my efforts are spurned with abuse and contempt. Should I step back, walk away and let things take their course, and hope this will all pass?”
A reader writes, and your comments are encouraged…..
“I am the ‘other woman’ in a relationship. The sad thing is I have been single for the better part of nine years. I have had three serious relationships with eligible single men. These relationships lasted anywhere from a year to two years. I ended all of them because the relationships were headed nowhere. There were no talks of marriage and these men were going about their lives making decisions that let me know I was not even being considered in the future as a part of their lives.
“I have been seeing a married man for the last three months. This man has treated me better than the three relationships (single men) put together. It may be true that the relationship has no future, but because he is married I don’t expect anything. It may be true he is so attentive and good to me because he is married, but at least he recognizes he should do something to compensate.
“I guess my point is I have tried dating single men and I don’t get the same response. It is painful on weekends when he goes home. It is painful when holidays roll around and I’m alone. It is painful but the pain is temporary also.”
Brother-in-law is unkind to my sister…..
“My brother-in-law orders my sister around as if she’s his servant. He talks down to her. He demands his own way and he tells her she’s useless. My sister never complains but I can see it hurts her. Once or twice she’s started to open up to me about the way things are in her marriage but she usually clams up as if she’s being disloyal or something. Should I say anything to him? He is very nice in public but I have seen how he is in private.”
I’d suggest you continue to give your sister opportunities to talk with you. If you approach your brother-in-law directly, about his relationship with your sister, it is unlikely you will receive a listening ear. Difficult men do not like to be exposed. Your approach could serve as a catalyst for your sister to go even more deeply into her shell.
Be your sister’s friend. Be a listening ear. Ask your sister if her marriage is what she’d hoped it would be. Ask her what she intends to do to get the kind of marriage she wanted. Your love and support will be helpful. Addressing him will be taking on something that is hers and hers alone to address.
My affair threatens suicide when I try to leave…
“I have been in a 5-year very toxic relationship with a married man. Every time I have tried to end it he goes to the extreme to make sure I don’t. He has told friends and customers about his affair with me and that he is in love with me. I have even considered moving out of town to get away from him. He is very controlling and has even threatened to kill himself if I leave him. Please help.”
Every threat of suicide must be taken very seriously. As the “other woman,” even if you were a mental health professional specializing in suicide prevention, you would be unqualified to sustain his life. Get out of the man’s way so he can get the help he needs!
He doesn’t love you. Love doesn’t threaten, control, or manipulate.
I trust you see you are “killing yourself” by staying. I’d suggest you move, that you do cut all ties, and that you do find your freedom at all cost. You cannot be a lifeline for any man, let alone one who demonstrates no respect for his family or for you.
Suicide, by very definition, is self-inflicted, and therefore his killing himself, which would indeed be very sad, would not be your responsibility, or your fault.
Indications he/she might not be the best person to marry…
Letters consistently pour in from men and women in unhealthy relationships. I think often of how much pain could be avoided if people were simply willing to see the warning signs before marriage, before children, before hearts harden, and before bitterness sets in. Here are some, of course not all, of the early warning signs that a relationship will sour short of a miracle. Although cumbersome, I have used “he/she” on each occasion for neither gender appears to be guiltless when it comes to distorting intimate relationships:
He/she does not respect his/her parents.
He/she lies about “little” things.
He/she is in debt at a young age.
He/she sees people as expendable (uses, then “dumps” people).
He/she gets angry very quickly with waiters or servers of any kind.
He/she feels entitled to respect he/she has not earned.
He/she is financially, morally, and sexually unfaithful, and appears unconcerned about the importance of personal integrity in his/her life.
He/she opens your mail, snoops in your business, and thinks you should have no secrets between you.
He/she speaks for you and tells you how you “should” feel, think and speak.
He/she tells you that you are stupid and that he/she knows you better than you know yourself.
He/she believes most other people are idiots and often says so.
He checks my phone and my iPod…..
“I love my husband and I am happy to some degree but he has become so insecure and very doubtful of me. He checks my emails; he checks my phone, my clothing, my iPod, and everything. It is killing our marriage because I don’t know how long I am going to be able to hold on. Everything started with an emotional affair I had, that was only a fantasy on my side. Nothing happened between us, and I regret and wish it never had happened. Now my life is hell. Is there hope or I am just holding onto a dream? Is he ever going to get over it? I am a good wife, a good mother, and a good successful woman, but now all that seems to be crumbling apart. Please help.”
There is always hope. Even the most toxic of relationships can survive if people are willing to seek appropriate help. I assure you that nothing you have done (fantasy or not) triggered your husband’s jealous behavior. You are not sufficiently powerful to elicit the behavior you have described. Don’t let him put this on you. I am not sure you are “holding onto a dream” – it sounds much more like a nightmare to me!
D is for DIFFERENTIATION of SELF…..
In my series entitled “A is for Autonomy,” I have already published A, B and C. Here is D, perhaps the most challenging of all:
“D” is for Differentiation of Self, a concept named by a pioneer in the discipline of Family Therapy, Murray Bowen. The concept is much easier to define than it is to put into practice. Without being too dramatic, it really is a matter of “differentiate or die”– at least on the inside!
Self-differentiation is your capacity to get the best out of your internal battle to be both autonomous and intimate, while achieving your personal and career goals — all at the same time. In other words, can you walk the tight-rope of being fully yourself, while being fully open with, and committed to your family, while also doing all you can to achieve your goals?
Less differentiated (reactive or fused) persons (there are degrees here!) are many. We have all heard about the man who went to the top of his career – at the cost of his marriage and his relationship with his children. Stories are plentiful of the woman who lost herself within her marriage, or became so much a mother that she forgot she and her children were separate people!
