You may earn more than I do and live in a nicer house – but our loneliness is probably the same. When it rips us apart it doesn’t really matter who has the most cash or the nicest home. Loneliness doesn’t care where we live or about our financial status. Invite me in – perhaps we can be friends and ease our common pain.

You may be more educated than I am and you may have graduated from a respected university – but I know that if you regard anyone, anywhere with contempt, your education has given you little worth knowing. I may not be very bright by your standards but I do know that truly educated people resist its use as a weapon. Talk to me – I might be able to teach you a thing or two.

You may be more travelled than I am and can talk about places I have not heard of or could afford to visit in my wildest dreams – but if travel has made you contemptuous of your homeland and its peoples then travel has not done its finer work in you. Citizens of the world find beauty and wonder everywhere. Come to my house – my culture is as interesting as any you will find on any distant shore.

“There are two potential tragedies in life and dying isn’t one of them,” wrote Ronald Rolheiser, the Catholic theologian. “What’s tragic is to go through life without loving and without expressing love and affection toward those whom we do love.”

What great thoughts to ponder and then motivate us to action beyond romance on Valentine’s Day.

Let’s not fall victim to either of the tragedies — not today, tomorrow, not forever.

One of the great things about life for most of us is that we get more than a few chances at most things, even things we fouled up in the past. Failing at love yesterday doesn’t mean we have to fail again.

While the holiday is Hallmark-driven and its history buried in 5th century Rome, it’s up to us to push love to the limits, to go beyond Valentine, beyond Hallmark, beyond Cupid, beyond Eros, red balloons and red sweaters and candy. It’s up to us to take Rolheiser’s caution to heart.

Let’s express love in tangible ways to all those whom we love.

Loving is more than breakfast in bed. Say what you want to say without leaving it to another day. Don’t wait, don’t avoid it, and don’t run from it. Act upon the love you feel in measurable ways, express it in ways that are new and unique for you.

Love your family by encouraging the expression of the unique voice of every person. Enlarge their freedom, oust all jealousy.

Listen, and wait to speak. Try to hear even the things you’d rather not hear. Learn things about members of your family even if it has been so long that it is hard to remember a time when you did not share life.

Loving people celebrate strength, encourage freedom and admire the talent of others.

Then, in loving and being loved, compromise yourself, your talents and skills for no one.

True love will never steal your voice, your brain, your heart or your body.

Minimizing who you are in the name of love will not make you more lovable or make your family a happier or healthier place. It is never worth it. It is never loving. It is those with dark motives, who seek for you to be less, minimized, diminished or silenced. Reject such small-mindedness, such evil, even if doing so is very costly.

In your loving, deal a deadly blow to love’s bitter enemies of resentment, anger and bitterness. These close cousins, if permitted, will hold hands within your psychology and dance a woeful dance. They will make you blind to all things beautiful. Angry, bitter and resentful people, no matter what their justification, become increasingly unreasonable and difficult to live with.

Bitterness will have a soul for breakfast. It’ll chew you up, spit you out, and then get you some more. That’s its nature. It has no regard for you, except in your destruction.

Make the most powerful decision a person can make and forgive everyone, everything. Forgiving others completely for everything real or imagined done against you, will give you a degree of personal liberation heretofore unknown. Such forgiveness, offered from and within our human frailty, releases the spirit beyond comprehension.

When people forgive each other, they wear divine clothing, and the prison doors of their own hearts become unlocked and the miserable trio of anger, bitterness and resentment are set free to do their work elsewhere.

“There are two potential tragedies in life,” wrote Rolheiser, and today we each decide the extent of their power in each of our lives. Happy Valentine’s Day.

The Mercury – Thursday

The Power of Encouragement

“Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never harm me,” says the well-known little song, despite its vast inaccuracies.

Bones heal. Bones, I believe, can become stronger as a result of healing.

Harsh words, hard, misspoken comments, put-downs, slams, insults, double-edged “compliments” can stay with a recipient forever. They can be replayed, chorus-like, all through a person’s life. I have known people to be inflicted with fresh pain years after a toxic volley has been delivered.

Of course this is so!

I bet you can recall word-for-word what some misguided teacher yelled at you when you were knee high to a grasshopper. You might not still carry the pain, but some do. I’ve met them.

Responsible, accurate, sincere affirmations can inspire a child, guide an adolescent, motivate a young adult, and be a scaffold of continued success throughout a life-time for some people.

Mr. Richard Morey of Northlands Boys’ High School (now Northwood) did this for me.

On day and when I was about 14, he took a minute portion of an essay I had written, circled it, and said, in his dry manner, “Here, do more of this.”

I treasured that red circle, that moment of encouragement, for a very long time and, well, built much of my career on it.

“Ezra. My name is Ezra. I’m 18,” said a young man. 

“You have a whole book of the Bible with your name,” I said introducing myself. 

“I know,” he says, “my grandmother says that all the time.” 

The boy is chatty. 

“My dad made me play sports. He always checked my homework.”

“Sounds like you and your dad are close.”

“He’s dead. Murdered. A year ago. It’s ok. I am used to it. I cried once about it – on the day, but never again. No one talks about him.”

“Ezra, it is not ok,” I said, “listen to yourself.”

“What do you mean?”

“You tell me about your dad and sports and then that your dad was murdered — as if you’re talking about the weather. Ezra, it is not ok. You may be ‘used’ to your dad being dead but it is not ok. You have suffered great loss. I’m really really sorry this has happened to you and your family.”

“It’s ok. You know so far I have been offered scholarships to about 5 universities. I am not sure which one to choose. I wish my dad was here to help.”

Suggestions for discussion among your immediate family, friends, fellow faith seekers, and co-workers: 

What’s important? What do people really want and need in order to establish a healthy sense of peace. Please, add your insights: 

• A safe place to make and call home. A healthy and diverse diet. Regular exercise. Outdoor time.
• Fulfilling and growing relationships. Someone to listen. Someone to hear. The trust of others and people to trust.
• Meaningful work. Measurable goals. Long term ambitions. Short term successes. A community of like-minded colleagues.
• On-going and life-giving connections with blood family and family of choice. Opportunity to enjoy long-established friendships, even friends from early childhood. 
• A meaningful role in a faith or service community. Engagement in a beautiful vision.

What do people really not need? What undermines peace? 

• Threats, real or imagined, to safety and security. Growing financial stresses.
• Ambiguous relationships, those that are conditional, a trade, tight-rope, unpredictable relationships. Come-here, go-away “friendships.”
• Responsibility without authority. Shifting goal-posts. Being blamed.
• Working under fragile or sensitive leadership — a threatened boss. Leaders or bosses who have favorites, Leaders who bring fragile domestic circumstances to work.
• A faith community with controlling leadership, rigid rules, operating from gross or subtle platforms of manipulation and blame. 

Things to start if you have not already….

Open a savings account. Put some money away every month. Never touch it. You have never heard anyone say they’ve saved too much money. 

Talk to your mother and father as much as possible. Do this even if it is difficult and even if they are. You seldom hear anyone say he or she regrets being close to their parents. 

Tip well. Tip often. Be friendly. Compliment friendliness. Generosity is a life-style. It’s a habit worth developing. It’s rare to hear people complain that they spent their lives being open-hearted and generous.

Open doors and opportunities for others. Alert others to possibilities. Do this even if it means they will get ahead of you (whatever that means). Be the shoulders someone else can trust and stand on. Very few successful people are afflicted by helping others to succeed. 

Refuse to talk about people who are not present to defend themselves or present their side of any story. This is, of course, unless you are lavishing someone with genuine compliments.

On a personal note….

I am deeply encouraged and flattered by the invitations I have received to speak at your church, school, or event in February. I know it is late notice but let me know via email if I may be of service to your cause.

Dear Mr. Smith,

Despite the fact that the MERCURY newspaper has shrunk to 8 pages including 1 page dealing with crosswords I have kept up my subscription in order to enjoy your daily inspirational messages.

My wife and myself were especially happy this week to read:

• No Marriage escapes the challenges life brings
• How to have a sacred relationship

They should be compulsory reading at every wedding celebration. I would appreciate you giving me permission to use them at a suitable occasion, quoting you as author.. Many thanks in advance for your co-operation.

Bythe way, my wife grew up in Red Hill (born 1952) and knew your tearoom and the surrounding area well. She was also a bridesmaid at a wedding you conducted at the Parkhill Hall.

Best regards,

Dieter

Ballito KZN