I want to be autonomous, occupy the driver’s seat of my life. Every now and then, for an hour or two, a day or two, even a week or two, I want to be alone to plan and do my own thing. Deep down in the core of my being exists a desire for autonomy. If ignored, it will be to my detriment. This is a gift, a primal urge, integral to who I am as a human, seated within the core of the human spirit and soul.
The desire for intimacy is primal, it is deeply imprinted within me, just as deeply as the desire for autonomy. I want to belong. I want to be known. I want to be heard, and treasured as a companion and friend. I want to be an integral part of the lives of a few close family and friends. I want to be fearlessly open with a handful of loving friends.
Keeping both drives in order is my ongoing challenge. I will continue to learn how to achieve my goals while being available to those whom I love. I will focus on being simultaneously intimate and autonomous with the people whom I love. I will define myself in every area of my life or others will feel somewhat compelled to do it for me.
-From here – wherever I am – I shall reach my world with love, joy, acceptance, not with judgment, disdain or rejection.
-I will look beyond the horizons others will set for me and aim high, not for fame or wealth, but to make a meaningful contribution to those around me.
-I will define myself because, if I do not, others certainly will and it’s unlikely I will enjoy their designs for me.
-I understand that no one is all-good, no one is all-bad – including, of course, me. I will be truthful with praise and light on condemnations.
-I will exercise all my very limited powers to empower others – even if it means they will get ahead of me.
-I know that love and control cannot co-exist in any relationship and so I will relinquish all attempts to control all other adults.
-I will stay out of control and keep the rules – I will neither be intimidating nor will I attempt to intimidate others.
-I will respect and honor invisible loyalties and pre-existing relationships because I know people are deeply connected in ways that do not meet the eye.
-I know that all behavior has meaning but only some of the meaning is of any significance – I will not over-read everything I see.
-I will be a peacemaker, not peacekeeper – necessary conflict is an asset and not to be avoided.
I would like to remind you that you are endowed with superpowers.
While you may not feel powerful or think of yourself as powerful, you are.
It comes with your humanity.
The superpowers to which I refer have nothing to do with money or status or what are generally considered necessary to be influential and, and this is most important, they cannot be taken from you.
You can only give them away.
When you use them, by giving them away, they are immediately replenished so you will never run out.
You have the superpower of friendship. This is the capacity to reach out to people with kindness and a welcome.
You have the superpower of generosity – the power to give of your time and talents to others and the ability to share what you have.
You have the superpower of grace – the ability to offer others room for error and failings and the privilege of being as imperfect as each of us is.
You have the superpower of forgiveness. You can offer people, even those who do not deserve it or ask for it, a clean slate and the opportunity to “start over.”
You have the superpower of hospitality – the capacity to be open and welcoming to others, all others.
Five radical powers all wrapped up in one person, you.
With the approach of Fathers Day I want to express a few things I really appreciate about my sons……
Five things I appreciate about my sons…..
Both young men check in with me by text or with a phone call several times a week, especially when I am traveling. I do the same with each son but they often beat me to it. I enjoy even the brief snippets of news and I even like it if it’s a request for cash to fill a tank or to buy lunch.
Both use “please” and “thank you” with much frequency and ease despite a few years when I had to sometimes offer reminders.
Both are comfortable with peers and adults and with adults of advanced age. While one son tends to be a little shy he can certainly hold his own in company.
My sons are in regular contact with each other – despite living about 1000ks apart – and they contact each other without my suggesting they do so.
They tend to buy each other what I regard as rather expensive gifts for birthdays and Christmases.
Please, send me your list and I will try to publish a few before Sunday.
This is not some proud arrogant assertion – unless it is. Self-declared, in humility, it is the truth and key to taking responsibility for whatever we are called to face.
“I can learn new things, helpful things, and I can unlearn old things, things unhelpful to others and to me.”
This is key when we find ourselves repeating unwanted behaviors or we find ourselves lost in familiar, uncomfortable ruts.
“No matter what happens I will not return evil for evil or inhabit a world of payback.”
Energy spent playing tit-for-tat or payback is far better used more creatively no matter how tempting the desire for retribution.
“Under all circumstances I get to decide what kind of person I want to be.”
This essential self-talk question removes all others from the equations and demands we face ourselves.
“The issue is hardly ever another person or group of people. I have to ask myself what my role is in all the dilemmas I face.”
The common denominator in all of my relationships and entanglements is me. What do I need to do differently next time?
If you do not tell people who you are they will decide who you are. Which do you want? Your version or theirs? Show up. Speak up. Advocate for yourself – always. This is your thoroughly human, spiritual, adult privilege and responsibility. The healthy people in your spheres of family, friendships, faith, and workplace will endorse and honor this unique human joy that is yours and be similarly showing up and speaking up and advocating for themselves – which will, of course, get your support.
Do your part in reducing guesswork (withholding needed information) and crossovers (speaking for other adults rather than for yourself) and unnecessary entanglements (perpetuating gossip or “juicy” news or tidbits about others) in all of your relationships in all of the many spheres of your life. Clarity now – today – reduces future confusions and unnecessary misunderstandings.
Look for opportunities to “see” others for who and what they really are. FInd opportunities to empower others to achieve their dreams and goals. Neither activity on your part can be rushed. Seeing and listening to both what is said and not said takes time, determination. The rewards are mutually mind-blowing for those whom you will empower and the person who gets behind others and their endeavors.
How is your heart? What, where is the Human Heart? What are you putting your heart into? Are you loving life and others and yourself and God with all of your heart?
Clearly, I am not referring to the physical beating organ in our chests, as powerful, necessary, and as crucial as each of ours is. The heart, as I’m using the word here, is a metaphor. The seat of our emotions. The inner place where the mind or intellect, spirit, soul, meet. It’s our Bold Essence, the cross section of mind and body and spirit and soul – this is the heart. The core. The center. Where the Self begins.
And, it can be broken. And, it can be shattered. And, it can be healed. Taking care of your heart is about a lot more than eating well and watching your cholesterol or engaging in regular exercise. Our hearts can go from bruised or broken to bold and then onto being even more beautiful than they already are. Your heart may have been broken, you may have been betrayed or even brutalized, but you will survive, you will rise up, you will love and be loved again. Love your heart – it’s worth it.
It is my pleasure and joy to near Geneva in Switzerland this week where I will teach Family Systems theory and practice. Over our five days together I hope to:
Cover the history and the development of The Genogram. This is a drawing of any client’s family relationships covering at least three generations. The genogram is a predictive tool revealing what’s likely to occur within a family by seeing what’s set in motion by preceding generations. Each student will complete his or her Genogram.
Demonstrate how all family members are deeply connected to all other family members and how the connections either nourish or drain individuals and the entire network.
Demonstrate how assuming personal responsibility for one’s life lessens the power of the negative (unwanted) themes driving our lives. Assuming an active healthy and engaged stance about our lives increases the likelihood of a healthier future if the past has offered tough and debilitating challenges.
While every class is unique and the material is designed for each group, my focus is always to encourage deep engagement from every person. As insights are shared the way opens for the group process to be at least as powerful as the content.
I saw something beautiful today, an expression of true leadership, at a crowded domestic airport restaurant.
The Springbok Rugby Captain, #SiyaKolisi the athlete who led the team to win the recent Rugby World Cup, sat facing away from the crowds, trying to have a peaceful breakfast.
I counted. Twenty five people of all ages — in groups and alone — asked for selfies, autographs, books to be signed, and for photographs with their children. He hugged, laughed, chatted, and gave time to people, especially the young lads wanting to engage. At one point fans began lining up.
The gentleman was a model of grace and kindness, expressing zero frustration or annoyance at the multiple interruptions to his breakfast and the phone calls he was apparently trying to make.
Kolisi was the perfect contrast to the baseball hall-of-fame star I witnessed chase a child away with “I don’t sign autographs” to a young man whose face I saw light up on seeing his hero.
Jennifer Arthur (my sister) – meets the Double back-to-back Springbok winning Rugby World Cup Captain.
Kindly contact Shirley@ShirleyWilliams.co.za in the if you desire to attend one of multiple events I’ll be participating in next week.
I hope you are doing well! I love watching your travels, reading your posts. I am curious if you could touch on one topic for me. It can be a post so others who are struggling can also read it.
Will you please put into perspective why someone my son’s personality and challenges tends to stay to himself and struggle with anxiety. He has lost 5 schoolmates to gun violence since 2020. One was a best friend (since they were 3) who lived across the street from us until his death. Since that death, my son has been more angry, sad, irritated with me and one of his brothers. He is not hateful, just different. He also gave up competitive sport after his friend’s death. He still hugs, loves, smiles, but something is gone from inside him. You know my son and that’s why I am asking you. As a mom, I am so sad.
This is the first time I am sharing this.
Thanks.
Name withheld
Dear Mother
Yes. I know your son. And, I know you.
I grieve reading about the extent of your loss; your family’s loss, and specifically your son’s multiple losses.
I can only imagine the impact this has had on all of your caring, lovely family.
By nature, your now-adult son was/is a very private person, even though his athleticism placed him front and center of large crowds. I could be wrong but I think he was/is naturally shy despite the bravado required of his sport.
I recall his quest for academic successes and sports successes seemed to “push” him into arenas my hunch suggested he’d have rather avoided. You may also recall he was sometimes anxious about belonging and wanting really good grades.
I do.
That your son is not hateful after all he has witnessed and endured and has had to accept does not surprise me.
He very easily, readily, openly often expressed his love for his parents and brothers and extended family and is most unlikely to turn to hate.
There is not a hateful bone in his body.
Yet, I am not at all surprised he is sometimes “angry, sad, irritated” with those who are close to him. Youth funerals leave me the same way even when I read about them, let alone know the victims and he knew the multiple victims of gun violence well.
Loss has robbed all of you but he was/is closer to the young men – I think they are all male – now gone.
I know you embody the ultimate loving and caring mom and so I also know you give him a lot of room for his varying emotions, much privacy, and encouragement to engage about these deep matters on his terms.
Your son is a quiet fighter, one who loves his friends very deeply.
Although he never expressed this to me, or if he did I have forgotten, I think he was one to feel as if he was wanting and loving his friends more than his friends were seeking him.
The boy we all knew (usually loving and warm and full of life and humor and joy) will soon be the fully present grown-man-version of himself.
Nothing is gone or lost.
It is resting. Recovering. Re-juvinating.
Re-routing.
Like Jem, in the book your son read with me word-for-word in the classroom, despite all the trauma, his former and full self will return.
Ask him about that reference. I am sure he will remember.
By the way, I will meet with him at the drop of a hat if he’d find that useful.
Offer him my number.
By the way, thank you for being mom and present for so many, many young people as I know you are as you fulfill your role in your chosen career.
difficultrelationships.com 