Before you judge others by looks or clothing or demeanor or attitude:

You do not know their story, the hardships faced, the history lived, the moves, the changes and challenges faced. You do not know the heartaches, the heartbreaks, the longings, the broken  promises or the losses faced and endured.  

Tread carefully. 

You do not know what they are hiding in embarrassment and shame with the clothes they choose to wear or what statement they are trying to make. You do not know what violence they may have endured which appear to demand clothing themselves for rejection or protection. 

Read the signs with empathy.

People tell their stories – voluntarily and involuntarily – with their every move and every word and every mood and every decision. They do the same with their language, responses, the anger they hide and the anger they display. 

Read, see, hear, with compassion, or resist the urge to read at all.

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Terry Angelos – best selling author of “White Trash” – and I will be in conversation about her work and what we can learn about ourselves and our families from her work and principles of Family Therapy. Please contact Shirley@ShirleyWilliams.co.za if you would like to attend.     

While life as we know it is impossible without Divine Grace, Grace extended to all. I am particularly interested in the interpersonal grace we each can generously offer all other people, from intimates to total strangers.

Yes, we can be agents of grace.

I have seen it powerfully at work for many years.

It includes:

• Giving others a very wide berth, room to make mistakes, to be opinionated, to be socially clumsy, without my interference or my thinking, feeling I should offer my guidance, correction, or opinion.

• Extending “grace-in-reverse” by not allowing any person’s past errors, tough, dark, or even sordid history, to hinder my perceptions, my experience of who and what they are in the present. This acknowledges people really can grow and change.

• Allowing others to own their story and to tell it in their way, without interruption, without uninvited interpretation, and certainly without being “one-upped” by something from my own life, something usually bigger, stronger, better, or more dramatic.

• Forgiving from the outset, without necessarily receiving an apology or explanation, and for that forgiveness to be unconditional and complete.

• Exercising radical hospitality. This is embracing fully (not limited to a hug) others who are not like us!

How do I know about such grace?

It’s been offered to me, time and again. The challenge is to give it to others.

When push comes to shove you and I have to decide:

– What kind of people do we want to be? 

Our everyday responses to the most casual and humdrum interactions embody our answer to this question. How we treat those we serve and those who serve us is our character the litmus test. No exceptions.

– How will we manage our responses to challenging and tough situations? 

Our responses and reactions when things do not go our way reveal much more about us than how we respond and behave when matters move in our favor. How we lose is more revealing of our character than how we win.

How will we allow immediate events and relationships to impact the future? 

Who we bond with, and who we sever from, over issues large or small, important or petty, become moments of trajectory shift. Taken lightly, we may end up far removed from our initial goals.

– Will we take responsibility for ourselves or settle for blame and finger-pointing?

It’s easy to blame the government, the economy, changes in society for the way we are. A brief look around will reveal that there are very successful people who have found success in the very same contexts we share. These men and women prove that blame and finger-pointing will get us nowhere worth going. 

The desire for AUTONOMY is a powerful instinct within you. It is the craving to be self-directed and separate. It is the “you” who wants to be free of all ties, all responsibilities. It is the “you” that fears absorption; the “you” who wants to let your hair blow in the wind, feel the sun on your back and live a carefree life. This is the lone-ranger and pioneer spirit within you. This desire is a necessary part of your survival and growth – don’t reject it. 

The desire for INTIMACY is a powerful instinct within you. It is the craving to be close and connected. It is the “you” that wants to belong, be known and be part of a family, a team. It is the “you” that fears abandonment and desertion; the you who longs for a unified journey with others, the you that wakes up at night and wonders with horror, what it would be like to be totally alone. This is the nest-making part of you, the part who longs for a shared life. This desire is a necessary part of your survival and growth – don’t reject it. 

Healthy adults acknowledge these desires in themselves, and then in others – and never feed the one at the ruin of the other. This is wisdom!

Being Left Out

Finding out your child has NOT been invited to an event that all the other children are attending can be very painful. Do you say something? Do you fight it? Do you let your child know? I’d suggest you talk about this before it occurs or as soon as possible if it does: 

• Acknowledge the hurt. Very few things are as painful for a child as finding out about a birthday party that’s already occurred among friends. The pain is real, appropriate, and expected no matter how logical the explanation or innocent the oversight. 

• Failure to include your child may have nothing to do with your child (or you). But, examine yourselves. Is there anything your child is doing, or you are doing, that makes it easier for others NOT to include your child? At least face the possibility others may consider you or your child difficult. 

• Suggest your child address the omission as politely and kindly as possible with the friend. Of course age is critical here – but a stronger backbone will result! 

• Encourage your child to understand the difference between hurt and damage. He or she may be hurt, but it is unlikely the experience has the power to impart damage.

• Encourage and engage in zero payback or retribution. 

You may earn more than I do and live in a nicer house – but our loneliness is probably the same. When it rips us apart it doesn’t really matter who has the most cash or the nicest home. Loneliness doesn’t care where we live or about our financial status. Invite me in – perhaps we can be friends and ease our common pain.

You may be more educated than I am and you may have graduated from a respected university – but I know that if you regard anyone, anywhere with contempt, your education has given you little worth knowing. I may not be very bright by your standards but I do know that truly educated people resist its use as a weapon. Talk to me – I might be able to teach you a thing or two.

You may be more travelled than I am and can talk about places I have not heard of or could afford to visit in my wildest dreams – but if travel has made you contemptuous of your homeland and its peoples then travel has not done its finer work in you. Citizens of the world find beauty and wonder everywhere. Come to my house – my culture is as interesting as any you will find on any distant shore.