January 8, 2007
by Rod Smith
Question: My daughter (12) is showing too much interest in boys for a girl her age. She has posters all over her walls of movie stars and talks of the boys in her school all the time. She is on the phone to her friends and I hear the same chatter about who likes who over and over again. At first this was funny but now it is getting me down. Is this normal?
Response: I’d suggest both are “normal” – your frustrations at your daughter’s newfound interests, and what appears to you to be her obsession with friends who are boys. I note that she is apparently talking about boys more than she is talking to any boys in particular!
Relax mom. Your daughter is probably quite healthy and enjoying her journey into being a fully fledged teenager.
The more you resist her natural response to this exciting time in her life, the more it is likely she will shut you out of it. As annoying as this might be for you I’d suggest you attempt to encourage her to converse with you about all her interests. Open every possible line of communication. Rather she learn that openness is acceptable than opt for secrecy about who and what she is.
Posted in Attraction, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Education, Faith, Family, Listening, Love |
2 Comments »
January 4, 2007
by Rod Smith
When parents (married or single) are fulfilled, pursuing careers and interests they love, and are offering meaningful service to their community, it makes a remarkable difference to their children. Under these (admittedly) ideal conditions, childhood can be fully childhood. It can be carefree, safe, and free of the anxieties that come rushing into a child (which sometimes never abate) when a parent refuses to meet the adult demands of his or her role.
It is an overburdened child who must do all he or she can to keep mom sober or keep dad at work — who must do all he or she can to make mom or dad into an adult. It is the anxious child who must take on parental responsibilities, who must function on a parent’s behalf when the parent abdicates the role.
Childhood is appropriately prolonged (as opposed to inappropriately truncated) when mother or father takes adulthood with the dedication adulthood deserves.
When parents take full responsibility for themselves, dedicating themselves to exercising their skills and callings within their greater community, and pursuing and enjoying mutual, respectful, and equal relationships with other adults, childhood, for the children of such adults, can run it full span, and the children can be appropriately oblivious to the pressures of life in the adult world.
Posted in Children, Differentiation |
1 Comment »
December 31, 2006
by Rod Smith
1. All relationships are temporary – give the people closest to you your best shot at everything.
2. If you do not understand and appreciate how money, the failure to forgive, and, bitterness, do their work, they will dominate your life.
3. If you do not take care of yourself no one else will.
4. Defining yourself (telling others who you are, what you want, what you will and will not tolerate) is an act of love, not selfishness.
5. Laughter is good for the heart and brings it healing – finding time to appreciate healthy humor happening all around you, might do you greater good than regular visits to an experienced therapist.
6. Life is too short to be sworn at, ridiculed or taken for granted – extricate yourself from toxic relationships.
7. Find the appropriate moment to express the love you feel in simple ways – it re-ignites the soul.
8. Take an hour or two to create a blueprint for what would make 2007 your most fulfilling year – if you can’t articulate it, it probably won’t occur.
9. Become actively involved in the goodness in the world – avoid gossip, be generous and give to others more than you take.
Posted in Differentiation, Faith, Family |
2 Comments »
December 20, 2006
by Rod Smith
“My husband always says how much he loves me claims he lets me do whatever I want. But the reality is that he is disparaging and condescending. I feel I am trapped in a relationship with someone who is totally at odds with my personality. I never discuss anything meaningful with him for fear that he will criticize it. He is also very critical of the children. His discipline is very blame-oriented. He seems to be very angry all the time that the world and everyone in it doesn’t behave according to his criteria of right and wrong, and he is completely dismissive of the idea that different people can have different ideas about what right and wrong are. He always says, ‘There are objective criteria that everyone agree on.’ Sometimes I fantasize that he will die but of course I feel horribly guilty about having such thoughts. I imagine if I admitted such thoughts to him he would leave me but I could never admit them – it makes me sound like an insane and evil person. Is it possible that he is really not that bad and I am the one with the coping problem?” (Extracted from a much longer letter)
I’d suggest you get face-to-face (wiser than you have already had) counsel as soon as possible. You are trapped in a crazy-making cycle that will have you convinced that you are the one who is out of sync with reality. Please read Anna Quindlin’s BLACK AND BLUE. Make personal contact with me through the web. I have no idea what country you are in but I am real and I will listen. Go to www.DifficultRelationships.com to see how it is set up for you talk directly with me.
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Divorce, Domination, Family, High maintenance relationships, Past relationships, Spousal abuse, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
3 Comments »
December 17, 2006
by Rod Smith
My girlfriend an I are from two very different faiths, and cultures, and race groups – but we do speak the same language! We met at work and we naturally kept our relationship quiet at first knowing that our respective families would probably disapprove of our association. After two years we have both met families on both sides and her family is more accepting of me than mine is of her. We (her family and my family) are not overly religious yet everyone warns us about marriage and says it will not work because of our many faith and cultural differences. What do you think?
I am sure there are many “inter-faith” couples who can testify to the pleasures and rewards, and the pain and the difficulties that accompany such marriages. While your faith may not seem important to you at present, matters of faith (and the contrasts between your faiths) are likely to be accentuated when weddings are planned, when babies are born and named, when schools are selected, and when children celebrate rites of passage.
Be cautious. Seek counsel from persons who represent each of your respective faiths. While all relationships are tough and require dedication, an interfaith, cross-cultural relationship might test the strength of even the most profound of romantic love.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Differentiation, Faith, Family, Listening, Marriage |
1 Comment »
December 15, 2006
by Rod Smith
I know I have poor boundaries. What can I do?
Recognizing your ill-defined boundaries is a step toward greater emotional health. Such self-awareness requires good boundaries.
Recognition is the beginning of health. Start by learning to clearly define yourself. Express who you are. Say what you like and do not like. Let people know what you want. Let others know your opinions, beliefs, values and expectations. Begin in comfortable ways, then, after some practice, begin to set boundaries about more consequential matters.
A client told me her boyfriend controlled everything. She felt she had no say in anything. He ordered food, told her when she was tired and hungry. He even dressed her and became upset when she dressed other than he preferred. He held all the money and programmed her cellular phone (blocking some numbers) – for her own good.
She mustered the courage to tell him that despite all-encompassing love, she had her own brain, and would like to use it. She told him she would take over the driver’s seat of her life and be the one to decide on things for herself.
Despite his angry reaction she is learning to be a full person (one with good boundaries). He is apparently too immature to see that stronger boundaries between them will enhance their love, not destroy it.
Posted in Boundaries, Differentiation, Family |
2 Comments »
December 12, 2006
by Rod Smith
Twelve ways to have a fulfilling day…
- Surrender the illusion of control you have over everyone you love.
- Trust your instincts when they point you toward doing something good for those who least expect it of you.
- Say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ a lot.
- Look across the restaurant and then, having chosen someone, collude with your waiter to pay for that person’s meal. Ask the waiter not to identify who did it.
- Contact an old friend.
- Leave a few groceries on the steps of someone whom you know is in a hard place.
- Forgive your enemies.
- Carpool.
- Visit your next-door neighbors.
- Refuse to gossip.
- Pick up litter.
- Go the extra mile for someone who has hurt you in the past.
Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Faith, Listening, Long distance relationships, Parenting/Children, Voice |
1 Comment »
November 23, 2006
by Rod Smith
Of course you are going to fall apart, and mourn the loss of the future you thought you’d have.
You will feel like death itself and even welcome your own.
Then, when your mind somewhat clears, you’ll wonder what really occurred. You will question what you might have done to cause the marriage breakdown and wonder what you might have done to save it.
Then you will bargain with God, your husband, even your children, or with anyone who will listen as you urgently try to get things back to normal, and get yourself back into his heart, head, and bed.
And, when things somewhat settle, and you’ve gotten some rest, and you emerge from the initial impact of what has occurred, you will see that this is not about you, or what you did or did not do. You will see there that there is no real power in bargaining with him, or real value in your becoming whatever you think he’d prefer you to be.
You will see that, quite apart from whatever he decides to do, there is great power and value in picking up your life, one emotion at a time, and doing what is best for yourself and your children.
Call Rod now…..
Posted in Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Divorce, High maintenance relationships, Past relationships, Victims, Violence |
358 Comments »
October 24, 2006
by Rod Smith
People in Healthy Families:
1. Are spontaneous, creative, courageous, and forgiving
2. Are full of humor and laughter
3. Put people ahead of careers
4. Readily face tough issues when they arise
5. Support each other in their endeavors, and want each other to succeed
6. Believe in each other and speak highly of each other
7. Are not overly focused on each other to the point that anyone feels overcrowded
8. Can get time apart, without falling apart
9. Place a high regard on integrity in every way
10. Resist jealousy
11. Resist rescuing each other
12. Are not afraid to give children loving discipline and correction
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Education, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Single parenting, Step parenting, Teenagers |
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October 19, 2006
by Rod Smith
“My son (16) is drinking secretly. I do not want him to have a life dependent on alcohol. I’m single and he is my only child. He drinks with his friends. I’ve been around drinking all my life. What must I do?”
Rod Responds: Pray for courage to be the kind of mother a boy needs at a very crucial time. Meditate upon how much you love him, how deeply you are committed to him. Try to see the world through his eyes by identifying his pressures and conflicts. Don’t say a word more to him about this, or take any further action until you have done your preparation. Having done your inner-preparation, which might take weeks, choose a time when he is most open, and when you are most relaxed, to express your love and your fears. Tell him you fear an addicted life is probably in his future if he doesn’t take better charge of his behavior and become a more responsible captain of his own ship. Offer him access to professional help.
Your “internal” work is important because you will not successfully “strong-arm” him into sobriety, and any such attempts will only serve to distance him from you. Conflict between you will serve neither of you any helpful purpose.
Posted in Adolescence, Children, Differentiation, Parenting/Children |
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