“I do everything I can to satisfy my husband only to be disrespected any and everywhere. He has choked me, left me, convinced me to co-sign for a car for him, lied about my friends. He had his brothers disrespect me, kissed other women’s hands in front of me. He talks about the women in front of me with his friends in seductive ways. I still feel like he will change one day and we will live happy ever after. I know this is a fairy-tale belief. I’m afraid that he will leave me and stay gone. I don’t feel like I can live without him. I have gone back to church and it is helping a lot. When he starts his mess I turn on my gospel music and he takes his drunk-self to sleep. I’ve learned that he cannot argue by himself. I’m praying about my situation. It’s just me being afraid to be alone again.” (Edited from comments)

While you are an expert in HIS behavior and unwilling to see your participation in your demise the toxic dance will persist. Until you “see the light”, and gather a community of women to support you, and are sufficiently courageous to call his bluff, he will not change. It is you who must.

“You frequently write to “get out of the middle” and “mind your own business” as if it is easy to do. It is not. My sons (all adults) and my new husband cannot get along and it frustrates me to no end. I am in the middle and it is my business. What can I do to help them?”

Separate yourself so they can find their own relationships.

You might find some relief knowing that a new partner in a second marriage, simply by the role acquired, is positioned for rejection. It can come, at least at first, with the territory. Of course this is not always true or insurmountable. Be sure, it will be pushed further from resolution while you, and not the men in question, are working at it.

What you can do is identify why you are so anxious that everyone gets along. It is possible to be family and accommodate varying degrees of acceptance and rejection.

“I have been married for many wonderful, happy years. For the past several months my husband has been behaving in a ‘detached’ way and every time I’ve tried to get to the bottom of it he has blamed business pressures and the fact that he lost a lot of money in a business venture this year. A few days ago he told me he wanted a divorce. He said he wasn’t happy and that he’d fallen out of love with me. He refuses to go for marriage guidance as his mind is made up. How can someone just ‘fall out of love’? Surely in a marriage love is a choice? I just don’t understand it. He says no other women are involved. Surely his being ‘unhappy’ is all about him being unhappy with himself right now? I haven’t changed. I’m still the same person that he used to love and used to be happy with. Obviously I’m absolutely devastated right now. We don’t have children. I know that I have no control over how he feels and I think my best option is to try to take care of myself as best I can, although that’s easier said that done right now.”

Begin to take up your life....

1. That your husband claims to no longer love you does not render the past years of love and happiness any less real.
2. You will gain nothing by caving in, losing your way, because of his revelation. Continuing to mourn ought not inhibit your determination to begin building a new life.
3. “Thinking single”, while it is the last thing you want to do, must immediately become core to the manner in which you see life. While it is tantamount to relearning how to walk, it is essential. While you’d prefer things to be different it is time to take up your life, put back the pieces and maneuver yourself (with the help of close friends) through the quagmire of emotions and justified anger.
4. Given that your husband wants to proceed with a divorce, remember that divorce is more like war than anything else. Secure a good lawyer. Get everything you are due from the marriage. Allowing him to handle everything would be very unwise.
5. Trying to understand the unreasonableness of your husband’s position is an attempt to reason with the unreasonable. It is understandable but it is a wild goose-chase.

“I have been married for twenty years to a habitual liar. He cannot speak the truth. He has had numerous affairs but still comes home. Why? I have asked him to leave but he says he never will. I have reached the end and am going to divorce him in the New Year. The problem is he continually gets into debt and cannot repay his debts. I have unhappy for 20 years, but stuck hoping that this man would change. He has told me that I am ugly. I still look after him; cook, clean, and wash. I no longer have any sexual relationship with him and he thinks he is the victim. The question is why does he still come back home?”

Your happiness is in your hands, not his. It appears you are at least as resistant to change as he is. He comes back because you allow him to. Get your eyes off his flaws and focus on your behavior. I continually meet men and women who are experts on their spouse’s behavior while, at the same time, appear to be blind to how their own behavior contributes to what the spouse is able to do and not do.