Archive for ‘Communication’

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May 10, 2008

A Mothers Day Banquet

by Rod Smith

This evening I shall address a Mothers Day Banquet with a difference from what is usually anticipated at such events: every mother attending has already made the tough decision to allow, through adoption, another person to parent her baby. I am expecting a peaceful and somber gathering of women who rest at night knowing their children are safe in the loving, protective care of men and women who have longed for parenthood.

In the light of this, and in the light of the focus that will be on mothering this weekend (at least in Western and English speaking countries), here are 5 challenges for all who have the joy of parenting:

1. Do you articulate what you believe about parenting to some disinterested person who is able to assess how you are doing as a mom or dad?
2. Do you stop and think about your style of parenting, or are your caught in the treadmill of activity offering you little or no time to reflect?
3. Do you take time to acknowledge the successes of your own parents in forming a backdrop to your success as a parent?
4. Do you regularly affirm your spouse, or the role of other adults in helping you with the awesome responsibilities of parenting?
5. Do you affirm your children when they do well and correct your children when correction is appropriate?

Posted in Communication, Voice | 2 Comments »

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May 3, 2008

Family misread kindness for weakness…..

by Rod Smith

A reader responds:

“I help family members and they take advantage of me. Before this family came to my home, I kept a clean and organized household. Now, I am constantly telling everyone, adults included, about picking this or that up and cleaning. I end up cleaning my house daily, something I did not have to do until now. One afternoon I was greeted with beer bottles in my yard and porch. The inside was trashed. I screamed and told all the adults that they invited over to leave and not return. I know people can only take advantage of you as long as you allow it. I decided to pack their belongings because their accommodation should never have become my responsibility. It is not fair to my children. I am also going to tell them the truth. They mistook my kindness for weakness. They will learn that they will not put me in this position ever again, and they have ruined the possibility of anyone receiving my help in the future. Last year I helped a cousin. Same result. I helped another close family member last year. Same result. No more. My family seems to believe that I am a sucker. Contrary to their belief, I am done!” (Letter shortened)

Posted in Communication, Difficult Relationships, Voice | Leave a Comment »

April 24, 2008

What DO I, and what do I NOT, owe my ex?

by Rod Smith

I get an inordinate amount of mail from men and women about the difficulties of how to treat a former husband or wife. Here are some guidelines:

What do you owe your ex?

1. Common courtesy as offered to all other people – no more, no less.
2. Respectful interactions pertaining to the children.
3. Efficiency and reliability regarding the children and visits.
4. Absolute care and protection of the children whom you co-parent.
5. Respectful return of phone calls, emails, and messages regarding shared child concerns.
6. Efficient paying of accounts as prescribed by the terms of the divorce (school fees, medical bills, etc.).
7. Common courtesy expressed toward any new significant other.

What you do NOT owe your ex?

1. Intimacy or sex of any kind (conversational, physical, emotional).
2. Financial assistance other than specified by the terms of the divorce.
3. Time alone. In cases of severe mistreatment you may insist on the presence of a third party for all necessary interactions.
4. Explanations of how, where, or with whom you spend your time.
5. Anything “extra” in terms of birthdays or holidays because of your shared history.
6. Any form of so-called “closure.” The divorce IS the closure.
7. Any platform to hurt or abuse you.

Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Voice | Leave a Comment »

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April 22, 2008

He’s insecure about my ex…

by Rod Smith

“My boyfriend and I are about to get married. I have a problem. He’s insecure that my daughter’s father is in her life. What do I do to assure him that nothing is going on between my ex and me other than taking care of our child? What do I do?” (Edited)

It is not you who has the problem. He is the one who is insecure and he is the one who has the issue.

If the man is troubled that his soon-to-be stepdaughter is co-parented by her biological father, the man is not ready for marriage, let alone is he ready to assume duties as a stepparent.

Do not try to reason with insecurity (or jealousy, or possessiveness) or to pacify it. Don’t modify your acceptable and normal responses to your daughter and to her father in an attempt to appease the spirit of insecurity living within him.

Your attempts to please and pacify him will not succeed in anything but in making you into far less the woman you have every potential to be.

Such living will grind you down until you feel like nothing.

I’d suggest you run very fast in the other direction. Once you have gotten over the breakup, find a man who does not behave like a spoiled, hurt child. Such men do exist.

Posted in Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce | 1 Comment »

April 21, 2008

Three wives speak (unrelated to yesterday’s husbands)…

by Rod Smith

“The thing I never understood about my husband, and perhaps men in general, is that work is very important. When he’d sometimes choose to work rather than be home I mistakenly saw it as rejection. He sees working on the weekend as a way of making sure we have a home. He doesn’t need as much ‘together time’ as I do. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me. I just wish I had seen this a lot earlier. It would have made things easier in the beginning when I still believed I could change him or that he’d change himself for me. This is a very good marriage and I just see his career as one important part of it.” (Paraphrased)

“It took me years to understand that he doesn’t see love or passion or commitment like I do. I always wanted to lend him my thoughts or tell what he was supposed to say. This would just drive him crazy. Learning to listen to what he did not say was as important as trying to understand what he did say.” (Paraphrased)

“My husband will do anything for the children. He’s irrational when it comes to loving and protecting his daughters.” (Direct quote)

Posted in Communication, Differentiation | 1 Comment »

April 1, 2008

You were heavy-handed…..

by Rod Smith

“You write, to a woman asking for help with her son that if she gets her attitude right she might see a shift in her son’s attitude. Just because she has a ‘right attitude’ it doesn’t mean her son will. It seems to me you were a little heavy handed with someone asking for your advice. I am a single mother and two of my three children are boys. My boys are very respectful of women because they have been taught by me to be that way from a very early age. My feelings for their father have nothing to do with it. At the age of 11 it will be difficult to change the attitude of a son but can still be done. Let him know that his attitude and behavior toward women is uncalled for and will not be tolerated. It can be difficult for a woman to raise a son alone especially when the father is not much help but it can be done.” (Edited for clarity)

As I said, attitudes are contagious. It seems your no-nonsense approach has paid off for you and for your children. Congratulations on your success. I am sure your children have thrived, at least partly, as a result of your forthrightness.

Posted in Children, Communication, Parenting/Children | Leave a Comment »

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March 29, 2008

At the beginning of the week…

by Rod Smith

Good questions to ask yourself…

1. Am I a truthful person?
2. How will my children describe their childhoods?
3. Is this (my career) what I want to do with my life?
4. Am I regularly using all of my God-given talents?
5. Do other people trust me?
6. Who do I still need to forgive?
7. Am I predominantly a giver, or a taker, or do I have a healthy balance of each?
8. Whom do I need to affirm for his or her good work (attitude, behavior, results)?
9. What could I do today to give my spouse great joy?
10. Am I a healthy member of my immediate community (family, church, synagogue, mosque, team)?

Posted in Communication | 1 Comment »

March 9, 2008

Husband says I talk too much….

by Rod Smith

“It seems my husband dislikes it when I talk. He says I want to be the boss of the home. I don’t believe this is true as all I want is just a good family life, like most families. We are married for 26 years and I can count the number of times we had a good conversation. He does not listen to my conversations. I’ve stopped talking to him for two weeks. This seems to work as I’m happier now. When we do talk its not for long, as then he says I’m talking too much. What is your response? I would appreciate your comment.”

Nothing you do (or I say) is going to (a) turn your husband into an active-listening, engaged, and supportive conversationalist, or (b) modify your words, message, or the sound of your voice into something he welcomes. This does not mean you ought to stop talking!

You might want to consider communicating only bare essentials with your spouse and accumulate other outlets (clubs, church, neighbors) for everything else you want to express. In the event others begin to send you a message similar to that of your husband, then it is you and not your husband who is in need of enhanced training in the subtleties of communication.

Posted in Communication | 7 Comments »

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March 4, 2008

There are “injustice collectors” in every group….

by Rod Smith

There are “injustice collectors” lurking in every organization…

He or she is very easily offended. Being offended (hurt, bruised) is a permanent condition.

His or her emotional life is akin to an over-ripe peach. Thus, the slightest disagreement, or your failure to smile (or thank, or praise) leaves him or her with a lingering bruise.

You’ve got to appreciate injustice collectors in exactly the manner in which he or she has trained you, or the fine for offending will be repeatedly demanded. And, even if he or she says he or she does forgive, injustice collectors are not big on forgiveness.

Injustice collectors enjoy being “best friends” which is another way of saying, “you’re mine, I own you, you will love me just like I train you to love me, or I will be offended, depressed, lost, hurt!”

And when “best friend” fails to conform, passive-aggression enters, and alas, best friend becomes “worst enemy.”

Work with one? Keep it light. Sing ditties around them. Don’t fall for it. When he or she tells you, with an accompanying martyr sigh, that he or she is hurt, tell him or her to put his or her feelings away, and get on with the tough job of living.

(I’ve used the bulky “him and her” and “he or she” so as not to offend!)

Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Victims | 3 Comments »

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February 24, 2008

Husband spends excessive time on facials, tummy-tucks, and the gym…

by Rod Smith

“My husband (of 6 months) was going through a divorce when we met. It concerns me that he spends so much time taking care of his skin (facials), going to the gym, and having tummy reduction treatments. I’m pleased that he looks after himself but I feel he is a bit excessive. He will go to the gym right before he goes overseas instead of choosing to spend the two hours with me. He says that he wants to look good because he’s married to a beautiful woman. I appreciate that, and I love him. I feel I am in competition with him. He also told me that he wanted to look good in his previous marriage because he wanted to meet someone to help him move out the marriage. Should I be concerned?” (Edited)

Be careful. Get between a man and his first love and you will pay the price! I’d suggest you develop a powerful interest in something worthwhile, while he, simultaneously continues to serve his apparent obsession. Focus on something other than your husband, who is doing enough of that already. At first this will drive him crazy (How dare you not join him in worship!) but it will save your sanity and might even keep you somewhat happily married.

Posted in Attraction, Communication, Voice, Womanhood | Leave a Comment »

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