“I love my sometimes- abusive boyfriend very much. I moved out and I know that was a good step. I still deeply love him. He won’t get help for his problems because he doesn’t understand he has an illness. The illness prevents from seeing it. It’s circular. How can you get through to someone like this without setting them off or making them perceive you as the enemy? How can someone get the professional help they need if they don’t see that they have a problem? The person who is abusive has to recognize the problem and be willing to seek help. No one can force it. ‘Sorry’ is are all we have sometimes, and if you love someone how can you turn your back on them, especially if you can see they need help?” (Letter edited)

At some point you have to love yourself more than you love your boyfriend, otherwise the relationship will destroy you. How will I ever get you to see this?

Focus on your health and not on his. This is not selfish, it is wise.

Believe it or not, there are more important things than love. Your survival is one of them.

Something is deeply amiss when your love is so compelling it is self-destructive.

This is, of course, when it ceases to be love.

“My wife and my ex-wife are like best friends. This is good for our children I suppose and I am very pleased about it. The problem is they make fun of me in a gentle way but it really gets to me. What can I do?”

Get over it and enjoy it – you are in a remarkable situation, whether the friendship they share is deep, shallow, to be long lasting or to be short-lived. You are correct. It is good for your children. Getting over it will involve joining in, poking your own gentle fun at yourself, at each of the two women – and helping all to enjoy the pleasure of good friendships.

Try to avoid suggesting that these bonds (of good friendship) need to become binding as in “we’ll be best friends forever, no matter what”. Your association with each woman probably holds some unfinished business at least for one women so do not be surprised if the goodwill you currently experience is not challenged when persons or families face challenge and change.

“Is it acceptable to end a friendship and to tell someone you don’t want to see them anymore? I am not talking about a romantic relationship. I am talking about a lifetime ‘friendship’ that has always been one-sided, always been draining for me, and I end up feeling like I am being used. Please give me permission to make a break. My family is full of distorted loyalties.” (Transcribed with permission from conversation)

Of course you may end a “friendship” that has held little reward for you. It is quite acceptable to desire friendship to be a two-way street. What might stimulate growth for you, and possibly for your friend, would be a conversation, or a series of conversations, where you are able to let this person “see” your experience.

Of course there are situations where one party does all the giving (helping a friend through an illness, a loss, a divorce) and the other does all the receiving, but these periods ought to be short-lived.

If any adult-to-adult relationship it is not mutual, respectful, and equal, some negotiation is required – and sometimes, even termination might be necessary.

Yes, it is acceptable to end a friendship, romantic or otherwise. It is not only acceptable, it is sometimes necessary to do so, especially when you feel used and drained. I want to ask however, why have you stayed so long? You say that your family is full of distorted loyalties; can you describe the distortions, and then give yourself permission not to follow them? You giving yourself permission is much more powerful and life-changing in the long run than someone else permitting you. What else is there that distinguishes you from your family? The more you can define yourself, your values, your likes and dislikes, the less others will be able to dictate how you do life. Being different from family, and yet staying in relationship with them is hard work; you have lived their way until now, but it sounds like some healthy change is on the way.

A friendship by definition is not one sided. It is built on a mutual appreciation and a sharing of life. It is important to enjoy the company of a friend, help when needed and get support in the struggles you are going through. It doesn’t seem like this is a friendship where both of you are benefiting. Since it has been a lifetime ‘friendship’ you may want to talk about it before you end it abruptly. Honesty is always the best solution as it allows open communication and the ability for each party to take ownership of their role in the ‘friendship’. If you are able to do this you may find that you learn new things about yourself and create opportunities for change. Remember you choose your friends.