July 28, 2009
by Rod Smith
Take up your life
I regularly receive very encouraging mail from men and women who have worked hard, sometimes employing a thought or principle read in this column, to become as happy and productive as possible with their family. Here’s one I received today:
“I am part of a blended family and have been for 17 months. After doing a lot of reading (and with some help from Rod) about coping with issues in our family, we have settled into a wonderful life. I have realised now how very blessed my boyfriend and I are in that we have achieved something so amazing in a short space of time. We are not without our problems like most families but they are small, normal, and easily solved. We have thrown five children into the mix. They fight like cat and dog but also love each other dearly and refer to each other as brothers and sisters. They protect each other and stand by each other and sometimes do unite against my boyfriend and me. So, for those of you in blended families, they can work and bring so much love and joy to everyone in them.”
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Friendship, Grace, Living together, Love, Parenting/Children, Single parenting, Step parenting |
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July 28, 2009
by Rod Smith
Now 11
days Thulani was home from the hospital I got separate visits from two
real Christian women.
“I want you to know I don’t support your decision to adopt a baby,” said the one.
“Don’t you think we should find him a real family? There’s still time,” said the other.
In their defense, which I was blind to at that point, I should have recognized their legitimate concerns. It’s not that I’d demonstrated an overly nurturing persona, nor had there been any suggestion that I was looking to adopt (because I wasn’t). But the visits were invasive. I was not appealing to either of these women for help, permission, or guidance – and neither was, at best, more than an acquaintance.
It makes me think of the woman I ran into somewhere and much later (I really do forget where and when) who suddenly burst out, quite vehemently, having picked up pieces of our story: “You might have had these boys as babies all by yourself, but let me tell you this, you have never breast fed a baby and you’ll never know that joy.”
Before I could affirm her observation she was gone.
Posted in Anger, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships |
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July 27, 2009
by Rod Smith
ACT, Australia
the seasons in our lives change and the adjustment to that change requires attention and re-alignment. When our children leave home, we really miss them, and relating to them isn’t about meeting their needs but listening and relating to them as adults. They don’t need us in the ways they use to – we no longer have the role we once had. Parenting takes on different aspects – being available for support and friendship while at the same time offering encouragement as we see their lives being lived and the children coming along.
My own “learning curve” as our children got older was to make the decision to focus on the roots of my own anxieties, which came from my own family background. There were issues in my own life that needed healing. I saw very clearly my tendencies to want to control their lives because I thought my way was better. I had made mistakes and I didn’t want them to make the same mistakes.
A challenging task for many parents – especially moms, is ‘letting go’ of their sons and daughters to let them live their lives. It’s being able to stand back and allow them to do it THEIR way – trusting and respecting their values and decisions how they parent, and where they go no matter how radical it might seem.
Loving takes on a whole new meaning. It takes a lot of focus and energy to change the way we see our sons and daughters. Keeping quiet when we could voluntarily give our ‘sound advice’ is hard work. If they ask for input, that’s another story.
I pray a lot for my adult children and also for myself that I may continue to keep accepting them as they are and releasing them to their own journeys.
Readers wanting to write directly to Jean may do so at: Jean@TakeUpYourLife.com
Posted in Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family |
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July 26, 2009
by Rod Smith
Nate is 7
In Mastro’s last night Nathanael (7) was all over the place. Up. Down. Sitting. Standing. He was tired. And tiring. He drummed on the table, put his head down. He pulled his shirt over his head then over the back of his chair. And more.
Let me focus on my behavior: I’m trying to engage adults, monitor children, exude patience, and LOOK good. Classic triangle. I talk quietly. I’m hearing myself use a harsh, desperate whisper. I feel HIS behavior all over MY body. I march him out and tell him there’ll be no candy or snow cones (he LOVES both) for the next few days unless he behaves like the other 200 people in the restaurant. He gives me a military “Yes, Daddy” and he’s a changed child – for three minutes!
Dessert arrives. My saner self talks: “You should know better,” says a less desperate internal whisper. “It’s you, not your friends, who choose the context – time, place, activity – for your children. This is not a good context for Nate?” “I know, I know.” I reply, “My choices set the stage for his.”
I blew it. It’s fine place. Nathanael should wait a decade or two before returning – unless we’ve both been banned forever.
Posted in Boundaries, Children |
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July 17, 2009
by Rod Smith
Take up your life
and some circumstances make it tougher. Here are three variables for discord and three that will provide a platform of greater integrity:
MAKING IT TOUGHER
1. The baby arrives embodying the hope of salvation from the dismal, ordinary lives of the men and women in the immediate family. “She gives us all a reason to live,” said grandmother* to friends, the baby ensconced in her tender grip. “This one’s going to turn out right. I will make sure of that,” she says only to herself. *Insert grandfather, mother, father, and you have fertile soil for discord and emotional entrapment.
2. The baby arrives and grandparents are well off, while the parents are in a tough financial place. Of course the parents want the best for the child and “stuff” is both needed and given. Even though the grandparents’ generosity might be benign – the platform is healthier when the child arrives and lives within the parents’ budget and is not “subsidized” by extended family. Of course I do not mean “normal” sharing of celebratory gifts.
3. Families can and often will unite or “let bygones be bygones” when a new baby enters the family (especially a first grandchild) but unresolved discord will again surface and the baby will be the (unintended) recipient of unnecessary baggage, having been unable to deliver the family from its conflict.
Three conditions that will provide a platform of greater health and integrity when a new baby enters an extended family:
MAKING IT “EASIER”
1. Naming rights are the sole domain of the parents, and the parents are absolutely free of all expectations to name the baby after anyone living, dead, real, or fictional at the request of, or under pressure from, anyone in the family. [Perhaps you would believe how often this is an issue. “In THIS family ALL the first born boys are named after MY great-great uncle who was the first man to ….. (insert achievement here) ….. so do you want to be IN my will or OUT of my will,” says dad with a warm smile.]
2. The extended family provides meals and support for the new mother and father but does not take the new baby from the parents so “you can get some rest” or “here, I’ve done this before, let me do that for you.” While favors and offers of help can be very necessary and very kind the greater help is to clear the deck of extraneous tasks so the mother and father may be free to be absolutely present with the baby as much as possible. [“Here, I’ll do the shopping for you so YOU can be with the baby,” says auntie, rather than, “Here, I’ll take the baby so YOU can go shopping.”]
3. The baby arrives and joins the family much like (forgive the simple analogy) a car joins the flowing traffic on a well-run busy freeway system. Babies are better off when people are already enjoy fulfilling lives, where the baby does not become the center of the universe, where the child joins, and things continue, rather than bringing life to a standstill for everyone, and then becoming the focal point around which all meaning and purpose is derived.
Posted in Blended families, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family, Friendship, Grace |
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July 15, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I am a single mother of two girls (“C” 3 and “K” 7). I know children go through phases like trying to define themselves and find their place in the cycle of it all. “K” the 7-year-old is super defiant, but with only me. With her paternal grandmother, with whom I have my own issues with as she is a control freak, and seems to think she can dictate the comings and goings of everyone’s lives, but that’s another matter altogether, she is as sweet as anything. Whether I ask her to do, or not to do something, in a nice and sweet and calm manner, or whether it’s at the point where I’ve asked so many times and my voice is raised, she will always tell me no! She doesn’t talk to me. She shouts at me whether we are talking or arguing. She turns everything into an argument. I have discovered she is quite the little liar and frighteningly good at it and has a bit of a vindictive streak. I know all siblings have the ever-present sibling rivalry, but it seems to me that K is a bit over the top with her rivalry towards her sister. She constantly bullies her, punches, smacks, pinches, you name it, and she does it. Whether C (my younger daughter) has done anything or not, K will just walk up to her and hurt her. C does her fair share of pushing buttons, I am in no way choosing sides, I love both my daughters more than anything else in life. K, I think, has a few underlying anger issues in her little life, which I find very puzzling indeed. How can one so very young carry so much anger? I have tried to talk to her, but she always shuts up, or changes the subject. How do I get her to open up to me and talk things through with me? It feels as if there is a wedge between us (already), and we’re growing apart. I do not want that to happen, ever! How do I help her get over her anger? How do I teach her respect, for herself and others as well as her belongings? I am at the end of my tether. I have told her that if she does not make an effort to get herself together, and respect me and follow the rules, then I will send her to boarding school next year. And she doesn’t seem to care, she doesn’t think I will go through with it. Please help.”
USA
Your child is trapped in the fray of a battle of wills between you and her grandmother. If this is crazy, dear mother, let me know. I am very open to being wrong. If it is even partially true, let’s talk more before you make any moves. Any moves you make to de-triangle yourself and your daughter must be sustainable and reasonable or, when the plans fail or you are unable to follow through on your decisions, things will go back to square one and you will be more deeply entrenched in patterns you already find unhelpful. Also, grandmother is NOT the problem but is as much a part of the problem as you are. This is something you have both found yourself in progressively. The solution does not depend on cutting anyone out, breaking off from anyone – but it will involve strong resolve to clarify roles. It is my hunch that grandmother has “found herself” through your daughter(s) and this, if true, will be a pivotal point of power for any child.
India via Hawaii
to a boarding school because of her ill behavior will only widen the chasm between you and your daughter. Not to mention add to the anger, resentment, and rejection that she will feel either now, or later in her life. I suspect and presume, as a single mother, that there has not been a steady father figure in her life? I have encountered many young children of single mothers who, having been given even just an ounce of attention by a positive male role model, will feel a sense of acceptance and love that can come from a nurturing male figure. My encouragement, if you haven’t already done so, is to ask an uncle, a trusted male friend or relative, if he can spend some quality time doing something that is fun and safe with her. See how she responds to interacting with a “father-like” figure who can speak words of encouragement, teach her mutual respect, and inspire to her to be a happier person. And hopefully, sending her away wouldn’t have to be a “last resort”.
ACT, Australia
to mind as I read your letter. You obviously have a child who is very angry and I wonder what is under that anger. You don’t mention her father but what part does he play in her behavior? Is there pain because of unexplained absences? Can you trace her anger and defiance back to a specific event or time? Often when a child can’t put into words his or her confusion about the reality in the home, or the insecurity that results because unexplained events, intense emotions are the way he or she will communicate what’s going on inside. How about others’ anger? Is she able to see anger expressed in a healthy way?
Posted in Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family, Parenting/Children, Voice, Womanhood |
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July 13, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My ex-wife and her new husband misrepresent me to my three children (8, 10, and 12). When I see my children on weekends they are guarded and anxious. Where do I start to get my children to see they are being turned against me?”
ACT, Australia
and talk with your ex-wife about how this situation is impacting you. The most important thing is that the adults work at the best solution for this transition for the children. Separation and divorce hits kids deeply. Remarriage on both parents’ parts must be as difficult, or even more so. It’s important for the children to talk about how they feel and what they think about what’s happening in their lives. Knowing that both sets of parents are working together will be helpful to the adjustments that are needed.
USA
This issue, real or perceived on your part, is an adult matter, and it is to be addressed by the adults. It requires an on-going conversation among all the adults. I do not mean dialogue through Email or phone calls. I mean regular, scheduled, face-to-face discussions; meetings where all the adults (parents and step-parents) sit together around a table and give focused time to discuss how each adult will play his or her part in appropriately providing and caring for the children. Is this difficult? Of course it is. Parenting is for adults. Step-parenting and co-parenting is for super-adults! The more the children see all the adults working together, talking together, and providing each other with appropriate support, the more likely the children are to turn difficult circumstances into personal strengths and assets – and the more likely they are not to “side” with one parent over another.
Scotland
their loyalties between parents. I wonder how they really feel about it? I can hear your fears that they are being turned against you… The best thing you can do is to continue being the best father you can be for them; no bribes, no turning them against their mother and new step-father, no spoiling them. Trust them. Children have an uncanny way of sensing when they are with people who are genuine. Take them to the park, have fun with them, respect them, and teach them to respect you, and their mother, and stepfather. They will then have no reason to feel guarded and anxious around you, and you will have no reason to feel anxious and defensive around them.
Midwest, USA
, hopefully the adults in this equation. Therefore, it is your responsibility to find time and maturity to be able to talk about what is bothering you or what you suspect to be happening. The children have gone through a lot with your divorce and what they need is parents who can communicate with each other as their care givers. Talking to your kids will only serve to pull them further into the circle of anxiety, and doesn’t give them a chance to get out of the middle of your
dance with your ex-wife. Talking about a person when he or she is not present is gossip, and is an attempt to gain emotional closeness. Don’t do as your ex has apparently done. Sort the matter out with her and her new husband, and leave your kids out of it. They will be very grateful to you for it.
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Education, Family, Leadership, Marriage, Parenting/Children, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers |
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July 8, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My stepchildren (9 and 11) are a delight and we have so much fun when they visit. Really, my children (8 and 12) adore them and long for their visits. Then something odd occurs. They go home and become like little strangers to my children and to me. While their mother and I do not see eye-to-eye on everything we do get on reasonably well and most of the small skirmishes are about times and dates and who’s picking up and so forth. When the children are here it is like they don’t have another home, and when they go to their mother it is like we don’t exist. Please comment.”
Keep the conversation going
It would serve you well to work out, with biological mom, any unspoken rules in the two different households. The children are probably adapting to what they believe both mothers need. They will always have two homes, thinking otherwise is unrealistic. Consider opening up the conversation by asking questions about their “other home”. This will give them permission to reconcile their two worlds. Healthy functioning parents produce children who are free to be in relationship with others.
Thanks for writing...
well with the comings and goings that are the by-product of most blended families. Rejoice. When children live in two homes every loyalty in their fiber is challenged. I expect their appearance of disconnect with you and your children, while hurtful to you and to your children, is a product of confused loyalties. Have ALL the adults to meet face-to-face as often as possible to reduce scheduling issues. While you are not required to be friends, a high degree of cooperation among you will do all the children a great service for their exciting futures.
Two systems....
and visiting another. It sounds like they are quite relaxed and enjoy your times all together. However, coming back home again would take adjustment. Are they able to ‘talk’ about their thoughts and feelings about this? Are the expectations of continuing the ‘bonding’ process after your visits realistic?
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Parenting/Children |
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July 5, 2009
by Rod Smith
Children want boundaries...
The Greatest Gift We Can Give Our Children
Parents are bestowed the utmost honor and responsibility.
Raising a child is both extremely rewarding and very challenging. It has the potential to drive one “batty” and the potential to produce much growth and maturity in the parents. Children have innate qualities, but are molded by the emotional environment. Children are born with the ability to create their individual slate of experiences. Significant people in their lives, with the environment, write and draw upon the slates.
Here are three ways that you can love your children deeply and teach them well:
1. Lovingly define yourself to your own parents, making sure they know who you are. This could involve some conflict- all of which has the potential to produce growth and healing. By growing up yourself, you become free to allow your children to do the same. Children rarely go beyond the maturity level of their parents. Thus, this becomes one of the more priceless gifts that you can offer.
2. Be present without worrying about the future. Pay attention to what they are saying, and you may learn something. Children don’t need the latest and greatest educational tools or toys. They need you, your time, your encouragement and input in their lives. They will learn how to do relationships from you, not by what you say, but by what you do.
3. Set consistent boundaries in your home that you are prepared to enforce. Discipline is what children need and want. Guidance is how you teach your child to treat people, that your child is not the center of the universe, and to respect all people.
Posted in Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Family, Friendship |
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July 2, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My three children live with my partner of 9 months and me. His children visit regularly. His son (12) pushes the boundaries and my partner allows him get away with a lot more than the other kids, including his daughter. My partner, who is brilliant with my children, will comment on bad behavior from my children, yet will not judge his son for the same behavior. His son lies to get the other kids into trouble and when I am near his father he makes sure that I cannot get too near. I refuse to compete with a 12-year-old for the affections of his father. My issue is the unfairness. It drives me up the wall. His father feels his son is sensitive and because he sees him so little that he will be less harsh with him. I understand this and am not sure if I am being unfair. I am starting to dislike the boy more and more. Please help.”
Get out of the middle...
Rod:
You are already competing and the boy is winning! Get off the “life is fair” gig and out of the middle. Leave EVERYTHING about his children UP TO HIM. While you are 12-year-old-focused, dad doesn’t have to be, – and you will always, always, end up looking like the enemy!
Kathryn
Kathryn:
Ignoring the behavior is not loving to anyone. The boy’s “sensitivity” is never a good reason for parents not to discipline a child. Consistently setting good boundaries with children is very loving. Spend intentional time together and perhaps your partner’s own guilt may dissipate bringing change into the dynamic. Be honest.
Posted in Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family, Friendship, Leadership, Living together, Parenting/Children, Single parenting, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers |
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