July 20, 2006
by Rod Smith
I would also like to express my regret about your answer to the lady who is attracted to a married man (25th of May: see Category: “AFFAIRS”). In your answer you point aspects that are important (eg. even if the man is lonely, his emotional well-being is absolutely none of her business), but you also put an accusation on top of her suffering. If she is a “relationship piranha” she must have been the victim of that kind of relationship (very probably during her childhood). An explanation of why she feels attracted to a married man would maybe encourage the lady to seek help to change.
Also you end your message to her with irony. Being tough is okay as long as you seek the growth of the person you address. However, I don’t see how the irony can be edifying. Unless the explanation of such reaction of yours is that the matter the lady consulted you about is a zone of fragility in your life, which you have the right to have. As you say, “Being an authentic adult is hard work and a never completed task”.
Posted in Affairs, Betrayal |
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July 12, 2006
by Rod Smith
Reader’s Question: My boyfriend says we have to have sex to see if we are sexually compatible before he will continue seeing me. What do you think?
Rod’s Answer: What an old and ridiculous line. Move on! Your boyfriend is what I call a “pp” or “penis propelled.” If you really want to assess sexual compatibility it can be done without removing a single item of clothing!
First, compare credit reports and financial statements to see how each of you handles money. How you respect, use and save money, will exert more power over your long-term sexual compatibility than any immediate sexual encounter will indicate. It’s very hard to be passionate, faithful lovers when you are fighting over maxed-out credit cards.
Second: Compare your attitudes toward and your relationships with your immediate family. You can tell everything worth knowing about a person by how they respect and appreciate their parents and siblings. People who show little respect for their immediate family, or little desire to care for them, are unlikely to be a successful long-term husbands or wives, no matter how good or passionate they might be in a bedroom.
Third: Assess attitudes toward hard work. A shared, healthy attitude and high regard for hard, honest work, will give both of you useful insight into your long-term compatibility much more effectively than will the immediate experimentation with each other’s bodies.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Communication, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Long distance relationships, Past relationships, Pornography, Re-marriage, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Space, Victims, Violence, Voice, Young Love |
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June 25, 2006
by Rod Smith
A Reader Responds..
“I tell you at the outset I am a female and a lot older than you are. Still married to the one and only man I have ever ‘lived’ with, for over 53 years. My adult children have both been married for over 26 years and they and their respective families are successful and very happy with their lot in life.
“I am truly grateful that they did not read your reply (June 13, 2006) to that unfortunate man who is/was married to that ‘friendly’ flirtatious wife. She surely cannot know what unhappiness she is causing, and perhaps it is high time someone told her. Men and women (most often) flirt for only two reasons. One is to show-off. The other is to spark off with someone else to find a reaction. It is a ploy that is limited only to the unmarried and even then questionable.
“I sincerely hope that the husband concerned in the case you deigned to answer with such insensitivity, has been able to regard your response with the disdain it deserves and that his character and readiness to understand his wife’s stupidity, will help him to come to a truly satisfying and loving marriage situation.” (Letter shortened)
Posted in Affairs, Betrayal |
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June 10, 2006
by Rod Smith
Q: I refer to your various columns on emotional abuse and controlling behaviors. How does one stand up to a partner who is the darling of the outside world but at home is a controlling, emotional abuser? Is this person suffering from low self-esteem or something worse? Can it be “cured” with therapy or is it a lost case and should one walk away from such person?
A: Having seen persons considered the worst of offenders of all manner of aberrant behavior grow to live manageable, decent lives, I do not like to consider anyone a “lost cause.”
But, I’d suggest that the abuser is unlikely to be helped, or find peace, while remaining within the relationship where the abuse has occurred. In other words, the abused spouse will probably not be the source of salvation (change, growth) for the abusive person, except that he or she will assist by calling the abusive cycle to a halt through exposure or intervention.
Abusive people are often the “darling of the outside world” while being very difficult to live with. Not all abusive marriages have to end, but outside help must intervene, to break the cycle, if some change is to occur.
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Sexual abuse, Victims |
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May 15, 2006
by Rod Smith
- He/she has excessive unaccounted for mileage on the car and chunks of time and money for which he/she will not account.
- He/she hides bills for credit cards, cell phones and bank statements.
- He/she uses lower or different tones on his/her phone when you are around.
- He/she is present in body alone because his/her head seems to prefer living or being elsewhere.
- You are checking the mileage on the car, clockwatching to know where your he/she is, and counting his/her money to know where every cent goes.
- You are rummaging through bills for credit cards, cell phones and bank statements in an effort to retrace his/her steps.
- You are trying to listen to every conversation he/she has with anyone.
- You are present in body alone because you spend your waking moments trying to get into his/her head to see what he/she is thinking, feeling, planning, and wishing.
- Details for business trips (who, when, why) are obscure or hard to pin down.
- Compliments feel like efforts to manipulate; apologies feel like warnings; looking in each other’s eyes feels very unsettling.
Posted in Affairs, Anxiety, Betrayal, Communication, Family, High maintenance relationships, Marriage, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Voice |
1 Comment »
May 10, 2006
by Rod Smith
“I do not want to hurt my ‘partner’ to get what I would like so I have given him – we have been in an affair since 1985 — an ultimatum. I am moving on with my life. I really want to move on but I am deeply in love with him. He always told me that he was not having an intimate relationship with his wife but I could never believe that and never will. All I am seeking is a closure on this fairy tale story. He is an excellent gentleman and I do not like to hurt him. I am getting hurt all the time. He is finding it difficult to accept my decision and he can’t come up with a decision.” (Letter edited)
Rod’s response: This is no fairy tale. It is a nightmare! You will not live with this man without being married to him – but you will see him behind his wife’s back? What nonsense. He is NOT an EXCELLENT man.
Excellent men do not treat their wives (or women) this way. You need professional help to rid yourself of all these ridiculous double standards and the deep-seated deceit in which you have engaged for so very long.
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, High maintenance relationships |
11 Comments »
May 9, 2006
by Rod Smith
Reader’s Letter and Question:
“I am in a relationship with a married man since 1983. My family was totally against this. When the relationship started I was informed that my partner was going through a rough time and he had only married his wife because she was pregnant and he was responsible to take care of the children. As my relationship developed, when I questioned him about my future he advised that his children were still young and he grew up without a father and did not want the same to happen to his children. I have been waiting since then for him to make up his mind and make a decision but to date he has not. The relationship was ‘on and off’ as he was always insecure about me because of my openness with people and my previous relationships. He has not learnt to forgive me. He keeps telling me that he loves me and things are going to work out but all this time have past and I am now in my early forties and am getting lonely.”
Response:
You have been thoroughly duped by a very selfish man. He HAS made his decision and it is to use you for his own ends for as long as you will allow it.
Posted in Affairs, Betrayal, Domination, Victims, Violence |
7 Comments »
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