December 19, 2006
by Rod Smith
“My husband says he doesn’t love me during a heated argument argument and then he later retracts it. I walk away wondering just how much he really meant it. Then I begin to reflect on our 21-year marriage and get lost in what is, what isn’t, and what never had a chance to be. I don’t know the answer, but what I do know is I want a really great love in my life and I am running out of time.” (Minimally edited for clarity)
“Least said, soonest mended” is the wise adage. If your husband could learn to contain his angry words a little, and you learned to believe him a little less when he is in such a state, you’d both have a chance to grow into the kind of “great-love” experience you have tucked somewhere in your dreams.
Please read Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch. It really is the most perfect book for people who want more from marriage and life. A business man recently thanked me for suggesting he read the Schnarch book. “Finally a book about relationships an engineer can love!” he said.
Posted in Anger, Attraction, Marriage, Parenting/Children, Trust, Voice |
1 Comment »
December 1, 2006
by Rod Smith
My son (13) gets so angry when he is confronted about anything (school results, when he cannot go out, when he cannot be on the Internet) I know he scares himself. Last weekend my husband and son had a confrontation and he hit my husband in the face. I am glad my husband was patient with him and did not lose his temper. What should I do?
First: Decide that the parents will never resort to fighting violence with violence.
Second: Discuss that loving your son and supporting him through this troubled time is something to which you are both enduringly committed.
Third: Talk with your husband a lot about many and various topics – discussions about your son must not be permitted to dominate your every interaction – in order to establish unity that is comforting to you and obvious to your son. This expression of unity – not necessarily agreement – will become a natural protection when your family faces challenges.
Finally: During a “down time” and when things are peaceful, let your son know the despite whatever occurs among you, he is to learn to hold his temper, and to learn not to strike others. Let him know failure at self-restraint will result in the immediate need for professional intervention.
Posted in Adolescence, Anger, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Family, High maintenance relationships, Parenting/Children, Teenagers, Victims, Violence, Voice |
3 Comments »
October 30, 2006
by Rod Smith
How to know it’s “a go” when dating someone who is divorced…
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The former marriage has been amicably settled, and at least a full year has passed after the divorce has been final.
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He/she takes appropriate responsibility for the breakdown of the former marriage.
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He/she wants a healthy spiritual, emotional, and intellectual relationship with a diverse range of people before he/she wants to become sexually involved with any one person.
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He/she is involved in his/her children’s lives, and is paying his/her share of child support.
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He/she places a very high priority on rearing his/her own children, while at the same time is respectful of your children and your relationship with your children.
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He/she can conduct meaningful conversations with the former spouse regarding matters pertaining to the children.
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He/she is very respectful of marriage, sex, and the opposite sex, despite the breakdown of a previous marriage.
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He/she is not threatened by your occasional encounters with his/her former spouse or persons associated with the former marriage.
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He/she has deep regard for the process involved in establishing relationships, and is willing to take time to allow intimacy to properly develop.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Divorce, Re-marriage |
3 Comments »
October 27, 2006
by Rod Smith
Let me know...
Some people are so angry, have been angry for so long, they would not want to be without it. It is the only way they know how to relate to the world.
Life does not have to be this way for the angry person. There is always the grace to forgive, and the choice to live in peace with all people everywhere.
Obvious manifestations of anger are outbursts of temper, resentment, and the failure to forgive. These are the easy clues to detect an angry person. More subtle expressions of anger are deep cynicism, estrangement from family and friends, the desire to self-isolate and the loss of faith in loved ones. These are as much signs of anger as is cursing at traffic.
Anger begins as scaffolding surrounding a life, but then, if it is not dealt with, if matters are not settled; if it lingers, anger can become the very structure itself.
Give some angry people a reason to forgive, to give up their anger and they are left with nothing. Anger is the lens through which they see the world, manipulate and control relationships, and without it, they become nothing.
They have sold their peace in exchange for their resentments and have forgotten that it does not have to be this way.
Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Boundaries |
1 Comment »
October 13, 2006
by Rod Smith
“This morning’s column (12/10/06) is the plaintive cry of another emotionally abused partner. Every time I hear the words ‘I stay because of the children’ I want to be sick. Thank goodness you pointed out that such a relationship is bad for the children. Thank you for asking the question: ‘What is it about you that you are willing to settle for so little?’ I hope this gets the writer of the letter thinking about the quality of his life and all the opportunities to be happy he is missing.”
Chime in, please...
by the false front of security offered by warring parents who remain in pathological marriages supposedly for their sake. It is usually hard to leave any marriage, and, while the “for the children” reason sounds noble, it is often a cop out for the partner who is willing to settle for less from life than life offers. Leaving any marriage takes courage, but staying in the marriage, and achieving something worthwhile within the marriage probably requires more courage. This, of course, is only suggested if the marriage is free of violence and other forms of abuse.
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Love, Marriage, Victims, Voice |
60 Comments »
October 12, 2006
by Rod Smith
“My wife is a very difficult person who wants everything her way or she punishes the family in harsh and secretive ways. She gives the impression that she is selfless and giving but in reality it is all about her. I am a very faithful man but I do understand why men have affairs. There is no warmth in our home (from her) so you can only imagine how cold our bedroom is! I stay for my children’s sake and also because I committed to be married “until death us do part.” I can honestly say I have tried to salvage this marriage and all I get back are the vibes of disapproval from an angry woman. She says she doesn’t want to be married but she also doesn’t want to get divorced. (Letter paraphrased)
I hope both of you consider what this marriage is teaching the children about love and life. Stand up to your wife and expose her passive-aggressive ways! You sound like one who is victimized and intimidated by his wife and his circumstances. I challenge you to want much more from your marriage than you are apparently getting. What is it about you that you are willing to settle for so little?
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Children, Communication, Domination, Marriage, Spousal abuse, Victims |
23 Comments »
October 5, 2006
by Rod Smith
Reader Writes: “I don’t believe my spouse had a sexual affair, but he definitely was too involved with a female coworker. I just found out that they have been talking on the phone for the past 16 months (January 05 to May 06) behind my back. They talked every morning and two and three times every night, and then on weekends. He says they are just friends and they talked about ‘work and general stuff.’ I know everyone he works with, and all his friends. I even know this woman, yet I never heard one conversation they had in those 16 months. He says I need to put it in perspective and move on. He has ended their communications and has apologized for his ‘transgression.’ So yes, I consider myself ‘cheated on.’ If she is such a friend, why isn’t this friendship shared with me and his family like every other friendship we’ve had?”
Rod Responds: Your reasoning is superb, and your question utterly valid. I hope your husband values the treasure he has in you, his wife. Any friendship consuming the time and energy you have described is most certainly not a healthy liaison. That it ever had to be secret is the largest and most glaring red flag.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Communication, Divorce, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Manipulation, Marriage, Past relationships, Pornography, Re-marriage, Space, Spousal abuse, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
2 Comments »
September 25, 2006
by Rod Smith
Reader Writes: I am in a bad relationship with a man who is trustworthy but I have no ability to trust him. I jump down his throat a lot and feel disappointed when I don’t get the attention I require. I am jealous and suspicious and accusatory. He will leave me if I carry on like this. I am trying to change (through therapy) but it’s a process. My upbringing was abusive and I know my damage comes from there. I am scared of loosing this fantastic man who would be a fabulous dad and loyal husband. Being around him makes me face my fears but every day is a struggle and a headache. He comes from a stable, loving background and cannot understand my past. I don’t know whether to stay or go. He says he loves me and he imagines me having his babies. (Letter shortened)
Rod’s Response: Your honesty, his patience, and, adhering to the wisdom of your therapist might get you to the “other side” of your current problems. If you really seek to resolve your childhood issues, which are sounding so loudly in your present, be sure your therapist is skilled in “family-of-origin” therapy, so these powerful past experiences can lose their powerful grip upon your present.
Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Triggers |
1 Comment »
September 7, 2006
by Rod Smith
1. If you try hard enough you can make someone love you, or to stay with you when they have already decided to leave.
2. Habits you find annoying will disappear after the wedding, or after the new house is built, or when he or she gets a new job or a new car.
3. Having a baby will fix a troubled relationship.
4. Living together is the same as being married.
5. Men want sex more often than women want sex.
6. Real love means you will love everything about the person you love.
7. Forgiving means forgetting.
8. Time heals.
9. Jealousy is an indication of love.
10. Loving another requires self-denial.
11. Real love is two people in the “same boat.”
12. People who are in love always know where the other is, and what the other is doing.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Communication |
Leave a Comment »
August 24, 2006
by Rod Smith
Reader Writes: I lost my husband earlier this year. He was murdered. Since the incident his family have been absolutely nasty. They saw me as “good” before. Now I am “bad.” My sister-in-law is very controlling. They want me to hire a private investigator to solve his murder. My husband was a man of peace and prayer. He would not want me to do that. She wants to take over the whole process. He was son and brother. I’m “just” a wife. They have really hurt me. His sister has turned his entire family against me. My children are young. I would do anything to protect them against any negative influences. The children have suffered enough without this. What do I do? (Letter edited)
There are no easy answers to the painful circumstances that your family, in-laws included, is facing. As you further grow in strength and insight, following this dreadful occurrence, and once a full year has passed, I trust you will be very clear regarding three broad principles: Your position as wife and mother is not determined by the emotional condition of your in-laws: the future, for the sake of your children, must not be driven by the devastation of the past, and, the understanding that anger, and, invasive control are often forms of understandable, but misguided grief.
Posted in Anger, Love, Victims, Violence |
2 Comments »
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