It’s easy to judge what appears to be poor parenting: the mother who can’t let go, the dad who can’t say no to a three-year-old, the elderly parent who gets scammed by an adult son or daughter and on and on and on….. 

I’d suggest some caution. 

You probably have little idea of what the family has endured to deliver them to this point. What you observe has history. The most powerful forces may predate the participants by generations who may themselves be unaware of the generational tides giving rise to the behavior. 

Off-spring, of all ages, usually have inordinate power over parents. They have our number and know our hot buttons. They know we usually ache when they do. They know we have to resist involving ourselves in things that are none of our business. What you are observing is people on a tight-rope of love, compassion, dreams, desires, successes, heartaches, and failures. Rational behavior, especially to the outside observer, is not that easy. 

The parent is simultaneously trying to enjoy the present, while hoping for the future, and scaling the walls of the past. Many a parent was never reared with any plan, skill, or imagination. He or she simply “got older” and now, in trying to do better for his or her children, is fighting battles to which you, the critic, may be absolutely blind.  

The Mercury / Thursday

Being civil doesn’t cost much:

• Say please and thank you a lot – this may help you get over any feelings of entitlement if you have any.

• Return calls, respond to emails, do what you say you are going to do – this may help others trust you more than they already do and it may do some repair if they don’t.

• Be nice to people and you will usually get their cooperation – really, does anyone enjoy working with unpleasant people?

• Don’t exaggerate or lie to get the best deal or the lowest price – you may save a little cash or cut a deal but lose your integrity, and once you go down that road there’s no knowing what compromises you will make.

• Listen more than you talk and you may actually learn something new – regarding everyone as your potential teacher despite age or rank or wealth can be very refreshing.

• Clean up after yourself – making life easier for others will probably make it easier for you, too.

• Look for ways to serve rather than to be served – and you’ll be amazed at how quickly the tables may turn in your favor.

• Be on time for appointments. This is about respecting other people’s time. Most friends will accommodate the occasional lapse and most people understand that there are variables beyond your control but do all you can to be on time. It’s the civil thing to do.

(By the way, it’s always a letter to self, first)

“I have been married for many years and husband has recently become a cell phone addict. He watches series, movies, YouTube videos. I do what keeps me smiling. I am passionate about: education, health, and wellness. I teach, I keep fit, I do voluntary work and socialize with wise people who I can learn from so I can impart knowledge. I strive to be the best version of myself by being absolutely sincere and caring by giving to all those who need comforting, love and care. I am sad for my children who will not see their dad as a role model to look up to. Your articles inspire me tremendously. Anonymous”

Thank you for your honesty. Your letter reflects your inner-resolve to not allow what has captured your husband to also derail you. This is part of your process of “differentiation of self” and I commend you for it. You express no contempt for your husband and for this too, I commend you. I am reminded of James Framo, a renowned family therapist who commented in a training video, “When a person gives up expecting much from life he falls in love with things.” Let’s hope your husband will escape the prison of the small screen and join you in your beautiful journey.

Allow others to speak down to you and you will begin to look down on yourself. You will begin to see yourself through their lens and even begin to agree with them.

Allow others to speak ill of you and you will begin to hide and avoid people and believe their disrespect is somehow deserved. You will begin to carry a sense of shame that’s difficult to shed.  

Allow others to lie to you, and then on top of that make excuses for them, and you will begin to fumble with what it true and what is not and soon you will be unable to tell the difference. You will begin to question your judgment and sanity about even insignificant matters.

Firmly, kindly address those who choose to treat you poorly, knowing you will ruffle feathers or rock the boat.

Use “I” statements. Define yourself; not others. Don’t go into detail.

People who treat others in the ways I have described – power-hungry people – love an argument. They will bully you into seeing just how wrong you are and how much you’ve misunderstood them.

Relationships are not about winning or losing and you know that.

They don’t.

Do not be afraid to walk away from ANY relationship that does not hold you in highest regard. Life is far too short and already far too difficult to have to bear the added burden of accommodating another person’s unresolved power-issues.

When you surrender control…

1. You will shift the balance of power and be re-energized. From expending valuable energy on the wild-goose chase of “fixing” others to deploying it where you have some power by working on yourself.

2. You will gain confidence in the areas that you can influence, instead of the dulling, draining, and desperate experience of having to keep the world and all its concerns on track.

3. You will join humanity rather than separate yourself and judge it – you will accept your failings and frailties and discover you can do the same with others.

4. Your anxiety will plummet, your joy will be rejuvenated, and your need for control fade while you are (slowly) delivered to a beautiful new place called Being-More-Human.

5. You will find your natural place in your family and community rather than have to arm-wrestle the world for significance.

6. You will not only be able to stop and smell the roses, you will be able to plant and tend roses, and have bunches to distribute to along the way.

7. You will be loved for who you are and, believe it or not, it won’t be because you made it happen.

The Mercury / Monday

“My wife and I disagree when it comes to two children and mobile phones; one lives overseas and the other in Cape Town. When visiting, I had to constantly tell them put their telephones in company. My 33-year-old continues to play with his mobile phone and playing card games and holding a two-way conversation and she does not object! Also, when they yawn, I always told them to place their hand across their mouth but this has fallen on deaf ears. I have complained and this last weekend made a decision to say nothing about this mobile phone playing, to a point that my conversation with him was limited. To be quite honest I felt that coming home was a waste of time. Having said this to my wife she was in tears that I could think like this. Having spoken to other fathers, parents should be on the same side so that the children ‘know their place’.”

Your frustration is clear. But, you do not have children. Your sons are adults and parenting has ended. Love, embrace your sons exactly as they are. Their “place” is one of equality in every manner with you, yawns and all. Their poor manners expressed toward you is no reflection on you or your wife.

The Mercury / Tuesday

What’s on the inside is what’s important……

I observe and listen. I can hardly help it. With that I do try to reserve judgment and often question if my assessments are really a window into what I need to learn about how I myself treat others. I conclude that how we speak to other people and how we treat all other people is a window into our own being and says nothing about others.

• The man who is rude and demanding in a restaurant and who belittles the server is revealing volumes about himself no matter how poor the service or the quality of the food. The adult tantrum is worse than the service or food could ever be. There are kind ways to express dissatisfaction.

• The woman who gossips about her friends and badmouths their husbands but switches and is all polite and kind when in their company is declaring just what an unhappy person she is. Her inauthenticity will be her downfall.

• The coach (any sport, any level) who yells, swears, cavorts on the sidelines reveals nothing about the team but everything about loss of perspective and a refusal to grow up. Imagine how he treats those he loves!

As I said, I am constantly evaluating. “Am I accurate or peering into a mirror?’ is the question I ask myself.

The Mercury / Wednesday

Fathers Day is coming……

Honoring parents appropriately is a healthy activity whether your experience of them was good, bad, really bad, or non-existent.

Since Fathers Day is almost here let me focus on fathers.

If you have or had a loving, present, involved father, you will have no hesitation or difficulty honoring him.

Let me address those who did not:

Your father, whether you knew him or not, is the most important man you will ever know (or not know). Like it or not, he’s breathing in you. His genetics echo in you. He’s in your mix. He leaks into your conversations. He appears in your dreams and aspirations, whether you know it or not.

His power over you is probably compounded if you reject him or the very idea of him.

You may ask, how do I honor a man I never knew, a man who rejected me, damaged me, or a man who – add your own experience….?

I’d encourage you to take time to acknowledge that, despite his flaws, fears, failures, even crimes, you do have life and you are a functioning person. You do have skills. You are here. You do have the capacity to see and enjoy beauty and the capacity to love, all of which would not be so without his contribution.

This is a very tough message, but honor him for your sake, not his.

[Seldom do I labor so long over content and even hesitate once it’s written. I expect some pushback but I’ve written what I truly believe. One good thing about a newspaper columnist is he or she is easy to ignore.]

If you read this and you retain any comprehension of its contents and if you detect a smidgen of desire for greater emotional health, there are things I know about you.

No matter how confused you may feel or how complex your relationships or how “down” your deepest lows or “bad” your worst mistakes and choices have been, there are aspects of your life that are already healthy, successful, and highly functional. And, if you work at it, I know things can improve for you.

How do I know?

You are reading this! You’ve gotten this far in your life. To get to here, now, you have had to have had many successes along the way. To be able to open the paper and read you have already struggled and succeeded at so many challenges. You have already had to forge ahead and make your mark when others would have preferred you to do otherwise.

Identify your strengths and skills that delivered you to this point in your life (yes, make a list) and you will see your golden keys already within you for a better, greater future. Go ahead, accept your weaknesses but give them very little attention. Work on your strengths, not your weaknesses.

Your arsenal of inner strengths and resolve will deliver you into the land of greater promise.

The Mercury / Monday (getting it in early….!)

Buck-stop analysis – note to self and any who are willing to grow (up)…..

• I am the one common factor in all of my relationships be they personal, intimate, professional, or casual. If things are not proceeding as planned or desired I will take a good hard look at my role in whatever is happening.

• I cannot afford to be a by-stander when it comes to my own life. If I am passive and adopt a whatever-will-be-will-be attitude to others and to circumstances I cannot legitimately complain if I feel like a victim and others treat me as one.

• How I respond to what happens to me is often vastly more important than what happens to me. While I will count my losses and grieve when necessary, I will re-assess, learn from my errors and from others, and move on as efficiently as possible. Scar-counting and bruise-nursing and poor-me droning has a limited shelf-life and is exhausting to endure and for others to witness.

• Reinvention is possible. Many have achieved it in the past and many will do it in the future. If I am so-called “stuck” a little courage, sufficient desire, and enough clean pain, will probably be enough to launch a few healthy and new beginnings.

• If my gains (financial, status, or whatever) diminish or demean others I must desist and repent.