Archive for June 7th, 2012

June 7, 2012

He’s rubbing your nose in his lies…..

by Rod Smith

“My husband had an emotional and physical affair with a woman with whom he still maintains contact. He assures me that it ended years ago and has no feelings for her. I still suffer the post-traumatic effects every time I see that she has called or texted him. I have told him how disrespectful it is that he has not cut complete ties with her; how counterproductive it is to have this third party in his life while we are still trying to heal from the pain and betrayal yet remain a couple, parent our children and rebuild our lives. I am frustrated that he values that ‘professional connection’ more than he values our marriage and family. I know I cannot control his actions or change his thinking. How can I find a way to cope with this feeling of utter disrespect and lack of compassion?”

He’s lied to you before and during the affair. He’s rubbing your nose in his lies every time he relates to the other woman, whether “it” is over or not. It might be “over” for them but it is not for you. Show up whenever and wherever you know they are together. Insist on being with him. Become impossible. Call her. Text her. Become “out of control.”

June 7, 2012

It is anxiety that will derail your family, not something on TV……

by Rod Smith

Anxiety is the killer. It is probably not your children’s school, violence or sex on TV, or the Internet that will potentially derail your children from potential greatness. It’s family anxiety. Often chronic, often hidden or disguised, it is that cumulative cloud of reactions to unresolved conflicts, the worry upon worry, the anger toward unmet dreams and expectations, and the bank of resentment gathered from multiple life disappointments.

Yes. You can send your children to the “right” schools, monitor their organic diets, safe-guard their television intake, pre-read their literature, create intricate computer firewalls, secure coaching and extra-lessons from the finest humans available, and then nullify all your determined efforts simply because your source of “care” and concern is soaked in anxiety and propelled and driven by it.

Family Anxiety is managed, reduced, redirected, when individual family members recognize it and address it individually. It is reduced through meaningful, appropriate connection and reconnection with blood and legal relatives where possible. It is reduced through determined “differentiation of self” (increased intimacy and increased autonomy) on the part of all members of the family (although even the efforts of one will have its rewards). It is reduced when individuals “see” that love and worry are not the same thing.

June 7, 2012

Babies make you ready for children…..

by Rod Smith

“I am in my late twenties. My wife is a few years older than I am. She feels that it is time she has children. I feel unready and unstable to have child. I know that biologically she should have children now. I worry that life could become even more tricky. I very much want to please her but I want to be true to myself. I just can’t stand to see her sad. I also have reservations about bringing children up in the modern world/city and would rather do it in a rural setting. I don’t want life to spiral out of control.” (Minimal edits)

You will never be ready if you wait. Babies make you ready for children and you can’t get ready without one. Increase your tolerance for your wife’s sadness. The presence of another person in your family will pull you both through the full spectrum of emotions and some sadness will be inevitable. Also, you are apparently forgetting that your unborn child may become a crucial key to a better world. As a parent of two adopted boys I’d have no hesitation whatsoever doing it all again. My children have blessed the world far more than it has managed to scare or damage them.