The Smiths
I wanted to take a moment to thank you for your support as one who reads this column (or receives it) daily.
Your readership is very important to me and I trust you continue to find my work helpful.
Please spread the word – I will never ask you for anything but to disperse what you enjoy or find challenging, to others.
Sincerely,
Rod Smith
Are you married to a man who could kill you, or someone you love? Are you dating a man who could murder you one day?
Dangerous relationships are easier to endure than address. It is not surprising that the murder of a wife, an ex-wife or lover usually takes everyone by surprise. Secrecy, cover-up and denial are the hallmarks of these toxic binds.
I believe some women could use a set of criteria to evaluate whether they are involved with a man capable of committing a violent crime against them. Accurate or not, my list could help a woman escape a potentially abusive relationship, or at least eradicate the virus before it destroys her.
Men capable of killing a “loved” one often leave a trail of early indicators, like rose petals around an open grave, before they commit a horrible crime.
Perhaps someone’s life will be saved because this list, incomplete as it is, will assist someone toward getting appropriate help:
1. He tells you how to dress and insists you obey his wishes in this regard. If you resist he becomes irrationally hurt or angry. You are beyond choosing what you wear because your dress is his domain.
2. He checks up on you for “your own good.” He wants to know where you are, what you are doing and whom you are with. Time unaccounted becomes an accusation. You find yourself explaining or hiding everything, to avoid the laborious conflicts that inevitably ensue.
3. Any move toward independence on your part is rewritten as betrayal. His response is anger.
4. He tells you when you are happy, and rewrites what you feel if you dare say you are unhappy. He tries to keep you from your family, suggesting they are not good for you.
5. He tells you when you are hungry and what you like to eat. He says he knows you better than you know yourself. He gets angry if you dare disagree.
6. He is jealous of your friendships, even those that predate him and those that are over.
7. Keeping peace is second nature to you. Ironically, the peace seldom lasts because he jumps on the smallest issues, magnifying them into major breaches of trust.
8. His highs are very high and his lows very low. It seems as if your response to him is inordinately powerful in changing or determining his mood.
9. He pouts easily. He manipulates truth so you are taken by surprise. He plays “hurt puppy” if you’re not happy, thereby making your emotions his business. He expects you to always be glad to see him and to drop whatever you are doing to focus on him.
10. He demands his own way and has an inordinate perception of his own importance. He shows off his “power” by threatening to “talk to the manager,” when he is not given the service he thinks he deserves. He becomes irrationally angry at the smallest of inconveniences. He accuses you of “taking sides” if you suggest he is being unreasonable.
11. He lives on the edge of “white hot” anger, becoming very angry with children, animals, and anyone or anything that doesn’t obey him. He hides this anger from people outside the “inner circle” and his mood quickly changes if an “outsider” appears so that his anger is kept secret.
12. He removes your car keys or your purse to restrict your movements and then denies doing so.
13. In the early days of the relationship you felt like you were on a fast ride on an unpredictable roller coaster. Everything was too much, too soon, but you did not know how to say it. Any comment about wanting to “slow down” on your part was ignored. You felt invisible, as if you were just along for his ride.
14. If you work, he accuses you of having an affair with a man at work – especially if that man has innocently told him that you’re a good employee/colleague to work with or know. Any praise whatever of you – from anyone, really – is twisted into suspicion and jealousy. (Added by friend Jenny Lowen, Harpenden, UK)
For such men, winning is everything — losing control is not an option, even for those whom they proclaim to love the most.
Jesus walked in and sat between the Grumleys in the fifteenth row of First Church’s Traditional Service at 11am on Sunday morning. In all of his infinite wisdom he failed to realize the stir that would arise. An unfortunate snowball or wave effect began throughout the congregation as at least twelve families were displaced each by one seat. As people begrudgingly moved they tried to communicate a welcome to the stranger (so he would be sure to return) laced with enough censure to make sure he would be put in his place (or at least not in theirs) the next time he visited.
This uncharacteristic reshuffling (they hadn’t been moved in years) moved almost everyone in the congregation and skewed everyone’s view. The disruption extended the announcements sufficiently to annoy the choir who were waiting, fully robed, at the entrance to the sanctuary, hymnbooks in hand.
“I suppose of all people, I should have known better,” mused Jesus, all the while seeing the humor in Mr. Grumley’s polite, yet uncomfortable response when Jesus whispered his name to Grumley during the Passing of the Peace.
Grumley inched from side to side, a tad excited at the theological implications of this revelation. Not only did his surroundings take on a new look, he wanted to draw attention to the Guest. He wanted all the disrupted members know the inconvenience of having strangers in church was worth it. Alas, he glanced at the Order of Worship to see “Introduction of Visitors” was already over and the “Congregational Needs” were being announced. Besides, the choir was manifesting holy annoyance (the smiles, the gritting of teeth, the rolling of eyes in unison) while standing just outside the doors. Unaccustomed as they were to being “out of the loop,” word had already gotten to them (it was usually the other way around) via the deacons, that a stranger had entered the building and sat in Wally Grumley’s seat. The choir, who were usually first on everything, would be the very last to witness this unprecedented incident which had ruined for the fist time in 40 years their traditional procession.
“Tell them I am here,” Jesus said to Grumley. “Go on, stand up. Say I am here.”
“You mean actually interrupt ‘Congregational Needs’?” whispered Grumley with a faint but gentle “shush” in his voice in an attempt to keep Jesus quiet.
“I am terribly sorry but I am afraid we just do not do that here,” said Grumley in his best prayer voice.
“What if I am telling you to do so?” persisted Jesus. “After all, the pastor just said, that if two or three are gather in my name then I am in the midst of them? So, go on. Tell them he’s right and I am here.”
Wally Grumley peered around Jesus to his wife for assistance, “You do it Joy. You always said you would obey Jesus if he said something directly to you.”
“He is talking to you Wally,” said Joy. Her eyes were fixed on the pulpit proceedings, totally unimpressed with her husband’s freedom with strangers.
“Well actually, I am talking to you both.”
“You are interrupting my worship experience,” said Joy with an air of finality.
“I have come here to meet with God if you don’t mind,” she said, hoping for it to be the last word on the subject.
“I am God. And, I am… err, here to be met.”
“Well, God just wouldn’t do it like this,” said Joy Grumley, her teeth clenched, “God just wouldn’t just barge into OUR church and…. and….” She was lost for words.
“Do you believe I am here?” quizzed Jesus.
“Well of course I believe you are here,” replied Wally.
“Then go ahead and tell them I am here.”
Joy tilted her head a hairbreadth: “Will you stop talking during the service, even if it is to Jesus! If you don’t I am going to a quieter spot where I can enter the spirit of worship without interruption.”
“’Church Hospitality’ – will be the title of my message today,” boomed the pastor, unaware of the stir in the congregation, “and I will be challenging you to treat any stranger as you would treat Jesus.”
Wally and Jesus burst into uproarious laughter. They embraced, moved into the center aisle, circled each other holding hands with outstretched arms, giggled loudly, and danced.
“And now the choir,” announced the pastor, “will lead us in our opening hymn, ‘Stand Up Stand Up for Jesus,'” as the deacons ushered the disruptive couple out the door.
Power struggles abound
Every person has been given a Power Balloon that represents an allotment of power. This is the power to have a voice, to decide, to be, to have opinions, have fun, learn, experience, to be autonomous, to be intimate, to be fulfilled and to love. Within every person’s capacity (power) is the ability to do research and to decide things for oneself, to worship, pray, accept, reject, remain free of abusive relationships and to create and enjoy safe relationships.
Every act of manipulation, of cruelty, of “over-functioning ” and of “under functioning ” is the denial of the power of another or of others.
People, for various reasons, will try to burst your balloon, boost your balloon, take your balloon, give you their balloon or render your balloon insignificant. Resist such acts from others and resist doing them. Care for your balloon only; leave others to the divine task of caring for and nurturing their own balloon. This is not selfish. Think of how selfish it is to say to someone, “Here, let me take away your power from you,” or, “Here, I do not want to take care of my own life but you have to do it.”
Not even God will take your balloon from you. Your balloon is God-given to you for your care and nurture. (God has God’s own balloon to care for). The power for you to be fully human is yours and that power should be offered to no one under any circumstances and the position of exercising power over our own lives should never be abdicated except in extreme situations of medical emergencies.
Every baby and child has his own balloon to be respected as much as the balloon of every adult. This, of course, does not mean that babies should be caring for themselves or that children must be given their every whim. Reaching such a conclusion is to misunderstand the concept of what it means to have personal power. The art of parenting a baby, of nurturing children involves respecting and nurturing their sense of personal power.
Parenting is exercising the kinds of discipline and care that do not diminish a child’s self-worth or distort their capacity to discern and appreciate the power that is their birthright. Anything less is to “spoil and child.” It is to “spoil” their capacity to see and know themselves with accurate personal assessment.
“I am 30. I have been with my boyfriend for 13 years. We have four children and are not married. For some reason I have stayed. My boyfriend acts like he has a problem with commitment. Every time I ask he says it will happen. He has such a nasty attitude. He recently started a new job but he hasn’t had a job in two years. Every time I say I can’t do this anymore he says all I want to do is run back to my mother. I woke up one morning to take kids to school and the car was gone. I thought the car was stolen. I’m getting dressed and he pops up and tells me he took a loan out on the car and they came and got the car. Do you agree when I say it is time for him to be a man on his own? I’m leaving. We don’t have a car and I have to walk my children to school because of his stupidity.” (Edited)
This is not about a car, your mother, or love. It takes two people to become this entangled and irresponsible. Do what is right and courageous for your four children before they repeat this destructive, sad pattern.
I am 51 and became a mum at 43 when I adopted a child. I often take my son to Mitchell Park.
Recently, a woman who sells sweets and chips happened to be sitting next to my bench. I bought some goodies from her and we started a conversation while my son played on the swings.
She told me she had 3 children – two of whom were unemployed. Her husband is an invalid. Despite her hardships, like waking up at 4am and leaving home at 6, this woman had an aura of peace and contentment.
She asked why I had only one child and I explained that I had had infertility problems. We continued chatting while my son played.
When it was time to leave I decided to buy 5 packets of chips to take home. As I handed over my money she gave me 6 packets- one “bonsela” for my special son.
I cannot explain how touched I was. Here was this really poor woman, eeking out a living, offering me an extra packet of chips for free.
I will never forget her generosity. This is Real UBUNTU!
Paddy
(“bonsela” – unexpected bonus – Zulu term)
Richard McChurch was very aware that God’s a communicating God. The still small voice or the thunderous call, and anything in between, (whichever God might choose to use at a given time) was not something to which he often laid claim. When Richard felt God had spoken to him, he was always particular about inserting the words “I believe God spoke to me.” This not only gave him room to be wrong but also the appearance of humility.
One day he had a very unsettling experience. It was as if everything he had ever believed about the way God treats humans was turned upside down.
“What do you really want, Richard?” he believed God asked when he was earnestly praying about a few major decisions.
The question was posed long and hard. It lodged somewhere deep in Richard. There were no voices, no unusual feelings or anything at all weird about the moment. This was a “matter-of-fact God” meeting him, face-to-face and there was no mistaking who it was as far as Richard was concerned.
“Go on, figure it out Richard. What do you really want?” he felt God say.
It was as if God was playfully saying, “Stop asking me what I want for you. I know what I want for you. I am God. I am not at all confused about what I want for you. What I require is that you demonstrate the courage and willingness to determine what you want for you. Do this, Richard, and we can do business.”
He became very nervous. In his silent negotiations, random and scary thoughts began darting across his mind. It was very disconcerting.
“What if I want to break up my family, hurt someone or steal something?” he questioned God.
“Is that what you really want? You want to go around hurting people? Do you really want to take what is not yours? Do you think damaging others is what you were cut out for?”
“No Lord.”
“Then what kind of game are you trying to play?” he felt God’s persistent voice welling up inside him. “I am asking you to evaluate, for yourself, how you would most like to use the talents I have given you. Take stock of the time you have left, the opportunities that come your way. You keep saying I will grant you the desires of your heart, Richard. But you know what? You wouldn’t recognize them if they jumped out at you from behind a bush. I am asking you to take the responsibility for your life. Develop a blueprint of what would inspire you. Discover and know yourself, Richard. Present me with a plan instead of continually asking me for my plan for you. Find my plan buried like treasure, in your strongest desires and longings. Grow up, in other words!”
Richard was shocked to hear God speak in this manner. He had always been taught that God had a plan for his life and for many years he had waited “in faith” for that plan to unfold. Now it sounded as if God expected him to do something!
“That’s the problem!” God interrupted his confusion; “you want to give me the responsibility for your life when I want you to be responsible for your own life. You think my will is something deep and mysterious when it is not. In fact my will for you is that you discover and do what you really want! It’s about passion Richard, passion. Just make sure it is what you really want.”
Richard thought long and hard and realized to his horror that he really did not like his career, chosen purely for the financial and status benefits. He realized that even his sports interests were built around promoting his career. He sat in stunned silence and realized that if he honestly answered the question he was in trouble.
“What I really want to do God, is so far from what I am doing with my life at present that it will take a miracle from you to turn it around,” he said in near desperation.
“No,” said God, “it will take one from you.”
not intentionally embarrass you in private or in public
do all he or she can to avoid scornful comments, hurtful humor, and sarcasm
listen attentively to you even if he/she has heard what you are saying many times
stand up for you when you are right
stand up to you when you are not right
refuse to be a pushover
not offer you blind or unquestioned support. He or she knows that unquestioned support is a form of idiocy and no indication of love. Love invites questioning and dialogue
be unafraid to ask you tough questions
not try to cut you off from your community of family and friends
not tell you how to dress, speak, think, or feel
give you regular, uninterrupted, opportunities for eye-to-eye contact so you have time to each reflect upon your lives. This is time without phones, television, radio, music, pagers, computers, or children invading the holy territory between you
regard both your unshared and your shared private lives with absolute respect
expect and encourage you to have a life outside of the life you share.
How can you be a Christian AND promote the idea of growing your SELF?
Christians often have little idea of what it means to deny self or to die to self. There is apparently less understanding of what it means to love self and love others. The “mixed” message of “deny self” (a condition of discipleship / Mark 8:34, see also Luke 9:25 NIV) and “love self” (Jesus commanded “love others like you love yourself” in Mark 12:31), I agree, can be confusing.
Jesus did not mean we were to deny we have a self! He meant we were to deny serving the self we know, love, develop, and enjoy.
Conversion to Christianity does not mean your self disappears or that your self is something to be ignored. Conversion TRAINS and DEVELOPS the self to love and serve God.
At conversion the self gets a new perspective. It gets a new focus. At the Cross the SELF gets and a new reason to live. Conversion is the beginning of self-renewal. The self is offered to God as a gift for restoration, renewal, and service.
Rather than serving self, obeying self, and being self-centered and being self-indulgent, at CONVERSION the self decides to serve God and others. At conversion the self submits itself to God’s will, becomes focused on Who God is and What God wants.
Denial of self (as ordered by Jesus) is a person’s decision to refuse self-indulgence and to turn the self toward full service of God.
It takes a developing, growing, and healthy self to love and serve a healthy God.
A non-self, an ignored self, a self whose very existence is denied, cannot love anyone or anything, let alone love and serve a perfect God.
I believe Jesus meant we were to discover who we are, understand who we are, love who we are – while offering all of who we are unequivocally to God as an act of worship, service and sacrifice.
We are to offer ourselves to God as a living, growing sacrifice (Romans 12).
There is a huge difference between identifying and developing a self to serve God and living in the denial that we have a self at all.
Jesus was a SELF to be reckoned with – yet He was not selfish at all — be the same.
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