Help me through HER menopause…..! |

Help me through HER menopause…..!

by Rod Smith

Reader response to questions is usually helpful. In the spirit of trusting readers to know what is helpful and appropriate, apart from my suggesting the correspondent remain defined about who he is and to be patient and kind, I am going to trust I’ll get many responses to this plea which will be publishable over the next few days:

“I am at my wits end. My wife is going through menopause and has become quite maniacal in her behaviour towards others. She has developed a violent temper that leads her to respond with terrifying rage to anything and everyone. Everyone is wrong, stupid and incompetent. She is at war with her family, her neighbours, her transient friends, our pets and me. The advice she gets reinforces her view that she is right and everyone else is wrong. She threatens to divorce me because I am not the person she expects me to be. She seems incapable of any sort of reflection or introspection that might help her see that her reactions are extreme. She will probably do something stupid and dangerous. I want to help but all my efforts are spurned with abuse and contempt. Should I step back, walk away and let things take their course, and hope this will all pass?”

Posted on August 10, 2008 at 12:18 pm in Communication, Difficult Relationships, Voice | RSS feed | Reply | Trackback URL

Tags: menopause

18 Comments to “Help me through HER menopause…..!”

Brian
August 10, 2008 at 4:06 pm

I’m in a similar position. It has affected our relationship profoundly; she’s run off to the arms of another man. A childhood friend she hasn’t seen in 33 years. I thought that I was going mad, until I stumbled upon the explanation for her erratic behaviour recently. Your experiences are a mirror reflection of my own. I’ve been on the receiving end of so much bile and hatred that I am now forced to end the relationship. She is a stranger to me now, and all her energies are bent towards making my life an utter hell. You do have to walk away, mate, otherwise you will go insane if your scenario is every bit as bad as mine.

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Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
August 12, 2008 at 11:54 pm

Dear Rod Smith
Thank you for opening the debate up to the public with regards to the woman who is going through an angry menopause.
During menopause especially but also before her period (the infamous PMS) a woman is more in tune with what is happening in the collective.
Women have not been able to express anger for the last 5000 to 6000 years due to the patriarchal construct in which it was appropriate to submit to men. With the collapse of this system women are feeling safe enough to express their anger for the first time. After holding it back for so long is it really surprising that perhaps they are a bit incompetent.
This situation is clearly reflected in the menopausal woman’s case. No doubt she has kept her anger in check for the past 50 years and as she goes through the rite of passage to wise woman she is no longer prepared to play it like that. My guess is at this point she couldn’t really care less what others think of her.
Is her anger justified? It is difficult to tell from the letter what things she is getting angry at. I would say though that if you have eyes and heart there is little not to be angry about.
I personally stay in touch with reality not only through my intuition but also through fact finding. I read in the Mercury yesterday that a woman gets raped in South Africa every 17 seconds, which works out to 1.85 million rapes per year or 7% of the women in SA get raped every year. It appears nothing short of miraculous to get through a life without being subjugated in this way. All the women in the Congo have been raped, many with sharp objects. Apparently in America 1/5 women gets raped in her lifetime, this means that 1/5 American men are rapists. This is enough to make me stark raving mad. Perhaps in the 1940’s my partner could have sent me in for a lobotomy.
It is clear to me that pent up anger, which explodes inappropriately is rather useless both for the self and the world. Anger however shows its face when there is something wrong. I think it is high time that people start helping women to see that their anger is justified and how to use it effectively. I think if her husband loves her, he should ask her to explain why she is so angry and dedicate time and energy to the process. I also think he should endeavor to learn how to surrender to truth, when he hears it. I have little doubt that some of her anger is to do with the way that BOTH of them have constructed their relationship in the past.
I also think that she needs to do some inner work, seeing all the unconscious patterns she is playing out in order to be able to contain her anger and hone it into a laser like sharpness aimed at all the injustice of the world, personal and collective, past and present. If all angry women would do this, I think we could see a radical transformation of the world at large in a relatively short space of time. We need to believe that it is safe enough(i.e men must take a vow of non-violence and a vow to remain engaged until the situation has fully unwound) or be prepared to die for truth (virtually any man is superior in physical combat). I ascribe most forms of depression which afflicts many, many women to be a denial of anger due to the lack of safe forum. Her husband could help to create that safe space for her and for all women.
I have noted in myself, and in other women, an ‘automatic submission programme’ playing out. This often it is this that gets me into anger. I also perceive that men have an ‘automatic domination programme’ running, which gets me angry too. Looking deeper I see in women it comes out of a fear of abusing their power while men’s consciousness appears to be more polarized into a fear of being dominated. These two together set up a tricky situation in the interplay between masculine and feminine, keeping us apart, like that famous dance the Tango.
In the end, obviously it would be ideal for all people to be able to express the truth clearly enough for it to be undeniable and delivered without the presence of anger. To complement that way of a being we need a willingness to be able to surrender to truth, despite the humiliation which arises in the human psyche out of being wrong or finding out that you have been tyrannical in some witting or unwitting way.
I hope my letter finds you well. I see it is probably too long for publication, at least in the newspaper where I read your column. I trust you will contemplate it fully and if you edit it, maintain the balanced viewpoint I have attempted to convey.
Kind Regards
Barbara

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Gi
August 14, 2008 at 7:21 am

I am 48 and undergoing menopause too. Sometimes it gets bad and I regret getting angry.

I have been a full time wife and mother and now my “womanhood” feels like it is coming to an end, I feel angry because I feel like I have not done anything for myself.

Hey, guys, we need you now more than ever. Please bear with us the way we had for many, many years! 🙂

Well said. Thank you, Barbara.

Gi

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Roger
August 27, 2008 at 10:24 pm

My wife is going through the menopause and she has suddenly changed from loving me to feeling I have let her down and all she wants is to be alone. She has also been in contact with an ex boyfriend from 25 years ago but says he is only a friend from her home city – just a mate. She seems to be searching for who she is and all this is complicated by the fact our children are 18 & 21 and our little family is beginning to split up and women feel this more than men.She is talking about leaving me but I don’t believe this ex has anything to do with it, she really isn’t the type to have an affair. I am trying to be understanding and helpful but she just doesn’t want to talk about our problem and I am putting it down to her going through the menopause what can I do to reassure her and save our marriage?

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TJERALD
January 12, 2009 at 7:03 pm

I can only imagine the horrible prison that menopause can be for women. And I think there is a degree of undertanding and patience that needs to be extended. However, in my situation my wife has become violent, refuses to take any responsibility for her behavior and just wants to put it off on everyone else to tolerate her. If she were trying to get things under control it would be different, but her violent tyrades seem to be a source of great enjoyment for her personally. Almost like she was been waiting for a good excuse to let it all out with immunity from responsibility. And she has NO intention of trying to get herself under control. Menopause or not, there is a thing called personal accountability. Dont expect others to be your punching bag while you refuse to make necessary corrections. I have contacted an attorney and cant wait to be far far away from this woman. I take great pride and accountability for my actions and I just wont tolerate her violence. 20 years down the tubes, and 3 kids hurt for a women too stubborn to get help for a problem.

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Zel
February 7, 2009 at 2:25 pm

I’m a 35 year old woman, mom to beautiful and bright 5 yr old and will be married for 14 yrs this month…Feb09. I’ve just been told I’m pre-menopausal with a 5cm sist and fybroids. tests normal so that’s great – dr will take it out in a month or so if needed. My gran and mom went through menopause at 39… Reading the posts, I was laughing so much now that I started crying in between… it’s ME. I am angry and confused. my hubbie is also 35 and with major health issues in the past himself (brain operations, epilepcy, kidney and heart problems) though very healthy at the moment I’ve had enormous levels of stress. I was with him through all (he started smoking now which makes me furious…) I am alone in this – have no-one. Before the drs informed me, my marriage was almost over. Now everybody says I am just difficult and treating my husband unfairly and that I should sort out myself with this pre-menopause and moods swings as every woman just goes through it. I admit to a lot of mistakes I made. Still, I am the only one ‘working’ and suppose ‘fighting’ to save my marriage. Admit I could approach things differently. Wanting my hubbie to also ‘wake-up’ and also treat me like his prescious princess… ok, I admit, princess is pushing it I suppose….. daydreaming of him saving me – not his job… I am alone and need a safe place or somebody that will just say “it’s ok – I still love you.” I will stick with you ! my husband told me he doesn’t feel anything for me anymore. I am still alone. I’m scared that I’m going to be depressed (if I am not there yet?…) it takes all my energy to THINK and FEEL all of this through. I decided to just focus and check myself and my attitude… when things turn for the worse – I ask myself – is this menopause symtoms or am I going to take the ‘pause’ out of menoPAUSE and take deep breaths…. if my marriage cease to exist after this, who can truly control so many things. I focus on ensuring my child receives all the love and stability she deserves and by doing that, hopefully that counts for me and my marriage. Must admit, writing this posts is therapy on it’s own. Write notes to yourself and your partner and kids if needed! Whether I will remain alone, who knows. What I do know is that I’m worth it and deserve to come through this victorious. PS: if I’m in PRE-menopause… pray for my family and that my transition is quick and painless….. Be Blessed 🙂

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Andrea
February 18, 2009 at 12:05 pm

I have read the posts and believe that menopause can’t always be the excuse to let your emotions and aggression run wild.
I am in a different position than many of you.. I am the daughter of a woman going through severe menopause.
My mother is off the wall- I have thought underlying bipolar disorder for many a years now-however she would never accept it. Now it seems Menopause is her excuse for everything: there is no talking back – that means for her daughter or her partner. She is on the defense 24/7. She has recently began becoming very abusive. Recently hitting and punching her husband – tearing his shirt to shreads and today, kicking, biting, hair pulling and punching me in the face. She picked up the wooden garbage can and said she would fucken kill me and that she hates me. Along with the violence, you have the ever so common insults and harsh words, mistakes of your past that she brings up to aunt you with.
Through all of this I dish it right back-except for the violence.. I realize even shouting the insults back is not right, but I cannot simply let her abuse me like she abuses her husband- I will not.
I have told her she needs severe help and even when she doesn’t seem neurotic- I try to bring it up- however, it isn’t her= it is me, the husband, her friend, the doctor, everyone else but her who needs the help.
The world is a bunch of idiots and she is on her thrown looking down on everyone.

She needs help. She will never get help= as she believes there is nothing wrong with her. Her husband will never do anything – he says it will end when her menopause ends and he will ignore it for now. She is getting worse. What do I do?

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Beautylee
May 24, 2009 at 6:29 am

I am 45 and into menopause and I can relate to all you men and family of women going through this revolting change of life. My poor husband doesn’t know whether hes living with Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. He is very patient but it gets to him. It is easy to say there should be accountability and no excuses for the behaviour we go through. I also become very angry and abusive, suffer depression, feelings of unworthiness etc. If you are not going through it or are male than you really can not comment on our behaviour. For women out there of breeding age, all I can say is wait for your turn, it is coming for you and when it does then you will understand exactly what myself and other poor women are going through.

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SimonH
November 1, 2009 at 1:28 pm

Barbara stated : “Apparently in America 1/5 women gets raped in her lifetime, this means that 1/5 American men are rapists.

That doesn’t tie in at all … are you stating that there’s a 1:1 relationship between the raped and the rapist? not at all!!

Brian stated : “You do have to walk away, mate”
Another idiot … Women are not in control of their behaviour at this time in their life – their hormones are … – sure – rather than help to support the person you pledged your life to – through ‘sickness and health’ turn your back on them!

How sad that there is SO little support for ‘COUPLES’ with regard to dealing with the menopause – whether it’s biological or surgical … the last thing people need is poor advice!

Simon

(I edited Simon — I think he needs his mouth washed with soap….. Rod Smith)

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JA
November 4, 2009 at 8:09 pm

My wife started perimenopause last year and is a nutcase. I can’t stand to be around her and would have been gone except that I stayed for the kids. I don’t know how much more I can take and will try to stick it our until June.

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JR
November 30, 2009 at 1:28 am

My wife suffered a major anxiety attack two years ago. It’s been all downhill since then. She has developed many of the symptoms including sleeplessness, headaches, weight gain in the abdomen, brittle hair and her cycles are off and heavy. She won’t admit to perimenopause, nor get it checked out. She’s had thyroid issues and that could be complicating the symptoms. Every couple of months, she gets on a separation/divorce theme that scares the kids and me. She’s often beligerent and gets upset very easily. She also has some MLC tendencies and may do something damaging to our relationship. If my kids were gone, I would take a long vacation from her and see if things improve.

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David
February 20, 2010 at 5:13 pm

OMG! I am going through this right now! My wife says that she’s sick of being number two and being a shadow. She does not know if she wants to be with me anymore and says that right now what she needs is space . . . to be left alone. I am heart-broken. We have had our problems in the past (me mostly) and up until the time I began reading this, I thought that I had failed in trying to reconcile our relationship. By the way, it doesn’t help that her mother whom she adores is suffering from cancer that has come back and is currently stage IV. I never realized just how much I adore this woman. I need to know how to make it better for her. But I am lost.

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Will
May 30, 2010 at 6:35 pm

God bless this website. My wife is gong nuts, this menapause thing is a curse on people and their should be an injection are somthing to take. I am going to die or somthing worse. Does this last for the rest of our lives?

signed husband about to die (death by menapause).

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chris gatzonis
July 5, 2010 at 1:51 am

I am going through a rough emotional battle trying to keep my sanity with my wife’s aggression and erratic behaviour.
I have to take the abuse and not retaliate as i can see that she is irrational and aggresive.The only problem is I cannot speak to her as she is very cold towards me and does her best to ignore me.
I have been thinking of leaving her as I do not know how much more of this abuse I can handle,but then on the other side my wife is actually a very loving person and full of energy and fun to be around,I really miss this side of her.
I just dont know how to approach her anymore as her actions are unpredictable and embarrasing to say the least

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Shell
August 5, 2010 at 6:19 am

My mom is going through her menopause too. She has made everyone around her life miserable, mostly mine and my father’s. She is always angry and violent towards my father and me. However my younger brother is spared as they are quite close. My father gets beaten up every now and then and she threatens to beat me up too. My father has learnt to redirect her anger towards me just to spare himself of grief. Whilst in their heated argument, he goes on to complain about me and suddenly she’s on me like a barking dog, ready to bite! I just don’t know what I have done. I am 26 yr woman, living with family because they asked me to move in 3 yrs ago in order to help them with their mortgage etc. Now my love life is in scrutiny because mom gets extremely jealous of my relationship. She keeps complaining to my dad and brother that I am sleeping around and I have become like whore, give sex for free and bf uses me and all sorts of nastiness. She has used such bitter words that I will never forget it, it haunts me ! I have only had 2 lovers in my life including my present one. While when she was young she has had few herself but it does not stop her from being nasty. Some relationships don’t work so people have few lovers. As a result I hardly see my bf apart from once a week for coffee and meal and that too she has problems. She has changed my life and my psychology, I dread her so much that I do everything to avoid any flare ups. I do all the house chores, make her lunch, pick her up from work, do the dishes and many many more. But she is always angry with me and I just don’t get it. I can not move out either because I have been made redundant from work also my visa to stay in UK was rejected and I am going through appeal process. I am fighting my own battle preparing with my case which is such a tough work as I am not a solicitor and keeping up with immigrations law that seem to change every now and then is so difficult. I am researching a lot and working very hard but my mom does not understand any of it. She makes my life completely miserable and my love life is in tatters as she is so resentful of me seeing my bf when he has done nothing. Many a times I felt like killing myself but I know that would be stupid. I just don’t know what more do I have to give up, it feels like she wants to take all my happiness away even my relationship. I just don’t know what she wants from me.

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Jyay Jones
August 29, 2010 at 2:47 pm

Dear Readers:

Why do you think men and soceity kept women on a tight robe as far as not allowing them to vote or make major decisions during these hormonal inbalances. For thousands of years men and soceity took care of women and children and both supported this effort. Now women have no responciblity for their actions and the men that are not part of that relationship bewtween the wife and husband does not respect the man! This is Sick but the time has come now that everything in modern times has hit the wall!

(Again, inclusion does not mean I agree — I want readers to see what’s out there.)

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Aldo
September 11, 2010 at 1:20 am

I can relate to all of the stories I have read here, my wife is 43 years old and we have been married for 14 years now and the first 11 years everything was ok and lot of respect among us and in front of the kids, but for 3 years now she started getting in the midle everytime I try to correct he kids, some times they scream at me and I get mad and try to punish them but only to get into an argument with her because I pusished them, I never winn not even one. Now last year she started accusing me of having an affair or at least flirting with a woman at my work, to the point of her insulting me an accusing me of going thru middle age crisis! I am 50 years old but I only live for my family and have no affairs with any woman. I really dont know what to do and now she does not even touch me or kiss me, nothing. WOW!! She says she does not have menopause.

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Aldo
September 11, 2010 at 1:36 am

I can relate to all of the stories I have read here, my wife is 43 years old and we have been married for 14 years now and the first 11 years everything was ok respect among us and in front of the kids, but for 3 years now she started getting in the midle everytime I try to correct the kids, some times they scream at me and I get mad and try to punish them but only to get into an argument with her because I punished them, I never winn not even one. Now last year she started accusing me of having an affair or at least flirting with a woman at my work, to the point of her insulting me an acusing me of going thru middle age crisis! I am 50 years old but I only live for my family and have no affairs with any woman. I really dont know what to do and now she does not even touch me or kiss me anymore. She now has the opinion that all men go thru middle age crisis but we want to deny it, WOW!! She says she does not have menopause. Now every time we have a chance to be along she goes out with her mother or brings her to the house, I told her why dont we take advantage when we are along to go out and try to solve things, but she starts telling me she does not want to fight so not to start looking for trouble so we end up fighting again, she says she feels very empty and bad because I have insulted her, but she was the one that started insulting me, she tells me I forget things ect… I see no way out but divorce but then she says that is not the way out, so I need to accept my mistakes. What have I done!! I tell her. Very confused….

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