His daughter (15) is against me… |

His daughter (15) is against me…

by Rod Smith

Reader writes: I am living with a man who has a teenage daughter (15) who is so against me I can hardly stand it. She does everything she can to undermine our relationship and she has a mouth like a sewer. The child was not living with us until she had problems with her mother and they decided she needed to live with her father. This has made my life quite uncomfortable and he will not tell her she should treat me with respect. Please help.

Rod’s Response: I’d suggest you never tolerate or embrace poor manners from anyone and so I’d suggest you move out. It is unlikely you will make much headway if you try to insist the father stand up to his daughter or if you make him choose between the two (or three if you count his ex-wife) women in his sad life. Finding alternative living circumstances on your part will allow the family issues, which precede you by many years, to play themselves out to their inevitable conclusion. This is not giving up, or giving in, it is simply the early realization that you are taking on a battle you will ultimately lose.

Posted on May 12, 2007 at 7:15 am in Attraction, Step parenting, Stepmother, Teenagers, Voice | RSS feed | Reply | Trackback URL

12 Comments to “His daughter (15) is against me…”

tobeme
May 14, 2007 at 2:42 pm

This is one of those rare times where I disagree. I believe that by moving out you give the 15 year old control and that is what she wants. I believe the there must be a unifed front between the Father and Stepmother and that they take complete control of this situation. This can and will change when this happens. The 15 year old is a guest in this home and should be treated as such.

Reply
Rod
May 14, 2007 at 6:17 pm

….. it is NOT a step-mother…….. and in which case I’d be making a similar suggestion as you are making, tobeme…… this daughter, dad and ex-wife have a lot of work to do before the live-in girlfriend will be a priority. Getting in the middle of unresolved family conflicts with no legal contract (marriage) will render the man’s girlfriend a second-class citizen in his home — marry her, and everything changes! The guest at present is the live in lover…. at least the dad and daughter have legal ties.

Peace,
Rod

Reply
tobeme
May 16, 2007 at 9:12 am

Rod,
I appreciate what you are saying, however I respectfully disagree. I do not believe the marriage contract will change the dynamics of this relationship. Married or live in, this can be considered a permanent relationship and therefore to me the same strategy must prevail.
Are you suggesting that if the Dad marries the girfreind that the behavior of the daugher will change for the better. I believe this 15 year old will only escalate her bad behavior and make attempts to drive a wedge deeper between the man and the woman. I still belive that one has to be very careful as to not give this child control over the adults life’s.
We share different viewpoints on this, and that is okay. Hope all works out for this family.

Reply
Liz
May 18, 2007 at 7:42 am

I have a very similar problem and hope someone will give me some advice. I have been seeoing a wonderful man for some time now. I’m far younger than him,but love him dearly. He has 2 children, only the 1 one was staying with him when we 1st got together. His son. (Who is 18 years old, does nothing all day, but smoke weed, and get drunk.) He is a very nice biy though, and I have no problem with him. His daughter however, was staying in Dubai and has only recently moved over here. She is 13 and irritates the hell out of me. She is so manipulative. She has her father twisted around her finger and is spoilt to hell. We get along sometimes, but she trats her father like rubbish, and that boils my blood. I’m trying to make this work, and my boyfriend will always side with me when she is in the wrong, but I dont know how much more I can take. I get home from work and have to clean the house after she has been home half the day doing nothing but messing it up. She stresses her father out so much that i’m worried he might have a heart attack. I am refered to as dude, and am totally disrespected. Yet i’m the one doing everything for the kids, and by doing this I feel as thoough i’m double the age I am. How do I deal with this, and do you think this could work at all. I was never like tis as a child, and cannot believe there are actually children like this.

Reply
Grace
June 4, 2007 at 9:43 am

Since I’ve actually lived this particular scenario, I hope that some of what I learned can be of help. See, my second marriage did not withstand the issues of blending a family with not one, but 3 children…two of them teens and one a preteen.

First and foremost, I recommend that the families (whether the partners are married or not) get into professional family counselling IMMEDIATELY. I’m not sure what the exact statistics are, but the divorce rate amongst couples with children from previous marriages outpaces the horrendous rate of first time marriages.

My stepson at the time viewed me as the Enemy. I represented the final death blow to that well-known fantasy that almost all children have – that somehow, their parents will reconcile. Children very often feel as if the divorce was their fault – as irrational as that may be, it’s their FEELINGS. It’s important that we understand that the child is projecting all of the rage, all of the fear, all of the heartbreak OUTWARD towards their new scapegoat.

Many parents feel very guilty about their divorces, and so have unhealthy and inappropriate boundaries with their children. They overcompensate by allowing too much, or not expecting enough. This creates fuel for a fire that is going to rage anyway….anyone who has raised teenagers understands that this may be one of THE most challenging times in the family life – even if the nuclear family is still in tact.

As difficult as it may be to hear, blending families rarely works. If one has the option (meaning, they are NOT already married to their partner), I would suggest seperate living arrangements. It doesn’t mean that the relationship can’t continue, but I would remove myself from the dynamics of the parent/child/exspouse and regain a sense of self and peace.

Reply
Lisa
October 11, 2007 at 8:55 pm

I had the same situation with Liz. My boyfriend is a lot older than me but we love each other dearly. He has 3 daughters almost as the same age as me. My observation is ..You can never compete with blood…especially for us gals without children married someone with children…You will always be the second class citizen but he is your whole world…so unfair!!! I am just trying gathering enough courage to leave him.

Reply
Samantha
September 26, 2008 at 4:00 pm

Hi. I’d appreciate any advice. I’ve been married 5 yrs to a man 16 yrs older than me who has a daughter 12 yrs younger than me. She is 22 now. She told her dad last night how she doesn’t feel part of this family, and that she gets hurt every time she sees me. I’m at a loss. I feel like I’m very kind to her. She often takes shots at me and I have historically made the mistake of not calling her on it and shrugging it off. My husband said that I act cold and distant. I can see how I might retreat when I feel that she’s taking her shots. I don’t do confrontation. Not well, anyway. I have a daughter who’s 3, and my step daughter is not very involved w/her, though she says she loves her so much. I’ve tried to encourage her to come on over, she’s always welcome. Whenever I see her, I feel and act warm and friendly (until she takes a shot than I get quiet). I guess I’m hurt and confused that she’s always finding fault with me. I’m confused how to treat this person so close in age. I feel like I have to bite my tongue around her-which I can see isn’t working. She’s coming over tonight, so I am going to put on a parenting hat and offer to listen to how she feels. Argh. My heart feels very heavy. I really want to blow up at her for all the yrs (10 or 11 now) of her walking on me. It’s my fault for not setting boundaries. I guess my big question is- how do I do this relationship? She’s a bright, immature, narrisitic, beautiful, funny, emotional 22 year old. I love her, and am unsure of my role and how to do myself with her. I don’t want to hurt her or be hurt by her.
Thanks for reading this very long rambling explanation.

Reply
Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
September 27, 2008 at 9:52 pm

Dear Samantha:

This young woman appears to have too much power over you. Remove and discard your “parenting hat.” She’s a fellow adult who is not behaving very well while a guest in your home. Until you challenge her, and until she learns to stand up to you (as opposed to manipulating you) neither of you will realize the full joy and potential of being in each other’s lives.

Write again, please.

Rod

Reply
Di
October 9, 2008 at 11:22 am

Its such a relief to hear that I am not the only one to experience rejection from steps. I have been through it all!!! Its been 4 years now since my husbands 3 teens invaded our home. They were very traumatised by the divorce. They started out living with Mom. Both Mom and kids went off the rails completely and the children came to live with us. I was more than happy to have them with us…until their intensions were revealed…to cause as much disruption as possible for myself and my 2 younger children with the intention of driving us apart, and my husband to return to his ex. His 16 year old daughter was particularly manipulative and there was nothing private. She went through everything of mine, even my accounts and relayed everything back to her mother. Her mother poisoned them against me at every opportunity. To cut a long story short, we have survived. It backfired on the ex and we have ended up a happy family. My advice, you have to be VERY sure this is what you want and that you love your man, or your life and that of your children can be hell. It takes time and understanding. Good Luck!

Reply
Jamie
February 1, 2009 at 5:58 pm

I have been dating a great guy for almost 2 years now. I have three children of my own of which one only lives with us. He has three children and one grandson in which one, 17 year old girl, lives with us with her son, one, 12 year old boy, lives with us mostly and the other one, 18 year old girl, lives with her mom. I was the free babysitter for the grandson and the 17 year old takes advantage of me. If I tell her no for any reason she goes crazy. This last time was the last straw. I told her I didn’t want to watch her son to take him down to the babysitter. She then jumped on me and started choking the heck out of me and beating on me. I tried to push her off and then her dad pulled her off of me. She jumped on me twice before the police were called. I am tired of her trying to make her dad choose between her and me. He loves me to death and we are about to get married and I would never try to make him pick me over any of his kids. I love him and all of our children. HELP!!!! I don’t want to loose him. Me and this child can not live together anymore.

Reply
Jamie
February 1, 2009 at 6:02 pm

continued…. He let me stop working to go back to school to go for my dream of becoming a nurse. I draw unemployment and that pays my child support and phone bill. He pays all the bills at the house. Me and him have both tried to tell his daughter that he would be paying all that even if I wasn’t living here. I watched her child for free. I love that baby as if he was my own grandson. I am so scared of what will happen if she moves back in. HELP!!!!

Reply
Jane
June 30, 2009 at 9:55 pm

I’m 17 and my father remarried when I was 14 and it’s been downhill from there. My stepmother has kicked me out twice in less than 2 years and she’s forcing my father to support me outside their relationship, which is hard for him. The woman likes to control everything.

Reply

Subscribe:

Categories

Tags

Year

Readers: