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He vents and his venting gets out of control…..

by Rod Smith

“After several years of living on my own I’ve been living with my partner for the past nine months. Things are going well most of the time but there seems to be a little problem that arises from time to time that I am getting concerned about. If a problem arises at work, he rehashes and he vents to me for longer than I think he should. He gets back to normal after a couple of hours of venting over something I did not cause. The anger and the long discussions are not a positive. I realize that venting is good if you have to but is it reasonable for me have to be the one who gets all this negative outpouring? Maybe he needs to talk to someone else about the issue. The tension isn’t good for us. Why do I have to take this when he really should be talking to whomever the issue is about. This is really bothering me.” (Letter required much editing)

Rod’s response: I gather that your partner sees you as a sounding board for his frustrations at work but cannot tell when his venting becomes hurtful. It would be quite reasonable were you to refuse to listen to him about his work-related issues. Tell him to talk directly with persons associated with his work-related problems.

Posted on May 5, 2007 at 7:41 pm in Anger, Meditation, Spousal abuse, Victims, Violence   |  RSS feed |   Reply   |   Trackback URL

3 Comments to “He vents and his venting gets out of control…..”

    
  1. tobeme's avatar
    tobeme
    May 8, 2007 at 1:32 pm

    Hmmm, I guess it depends on the level of ranting. Two hours does sound excessive. I do not think that you should cut your role as sounding board out all together, however he needs to understand the level at which he is venting is damaging to your relationship and that he needs to tone it down. You may want to begin by establishing a agreed upon time limit for venting. Start at an hour and work it down to 15 – 20 minutes.
    I believe that it is important to be there to listen to each other about each others day. This is the freindship part of any long term relationship.

    Reply
  2. WMarie's avatar
    WMarie
    September 25, 2007 at 9:17 pm

    For the last 7 years my husband’s venting has gotten so out of control I’m considering a divorce. I’ve tried talking with him about it yet it ends up in a fight. “He yells about the neighborhood kids making too much noise, thumping car stereos, how this person or that is doing this to him at work…” When I first met him, there were times I had to hang the phone up and take a walk. It drained me. I later married him, only to find out this venting was a regular thing with him and that I eventually became a target. I’ve often said, “Its not what your stating….Its how your stating it…the delivery, the energy behind the words” Its gotten so bad now, I can’t sleep, concentrate and I have a hard time being around him. Its not fair to him or me. What should I do? Do I divorce him, seperate from him? I’ve already seen a therapist over this and have discussed it with him but he won’t stop.

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  3. Rod Smith's avatar
    Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
    October 1, 2007 at 3:18 am

    Get your attention off you husband’s behavior and onto your own. Like many people, you observe the finer details of a partner’s behavior while ignoring your complicity that helped fuel the very behavior you now reject. Why would you marry a man when his pre-marriage behavior was already draining you? Things would be different if you’d made a radical stand the very first time he was inappropriate.

    Divorce? Separation? I have no idea. I do know nothing will change – actually they will deteriorate – until you do something radical. You are a target but you have legs! Use them.

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