«   |   »

Husband will not use a name for his wife…….

by Rod Smith

READER QUESTION: “I have an unusual question. My husband of some 30 years never calls me by anything – other husbands either call their wives by their first names or they use terms like ‘honey.’ If I am wanted on the phone, he will just say, ‘It’s for you.’ Is there any deep psychological reason why he never calls me anything? I find when friends say, ‘Beth, will you etc…,” it makes me feel warm towards them. I call him by his name. Obviously, there are other issues in the marriage. I was curious to know about this particular one.”

ROD’S RESPONSE: I am sure there are mental health professional who will “unpack” or interpret your husband’s behavior and what it might have been that has led you to be nameless in the eyes of your closest companion. I’d tend to ask you what it is about you that you have permitted yourself to be nameless for so long!

Ask your husband to call you by name and ignore him when he talks to you as if you do not have one.

Enabled behaviors tend to persist. Be nice about it and simply tell him what you’d prefer. I’d take this route before I’d suggest you go on a hunt through his potentially fragile inner-being.

Posted on February 7, 2007 at 3:29 am in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Family, Listening, Marriage, Voice   |  RSS feed |   Reply   |   Trackback URL

9 Comments to “Husband will not use a name for his wife…….”

    
  1. tobeme's avatar
    tobeme
    February 7, 2007 at 2:25 pm

    We do love to hear our name! Rod’s advice is right on! Let him know that you have a name!

    Reply
  2. mssuicidebomber's avatar
    Diane
    February 8, 2007 at 3:18 am

    Oh my that is quite an ambiguous response. Way to deflect any labeling of pathology. On the other hand good effort at encouraging the woman to take responsibility for how she is treated.
    Can’t argue with that. I am on pins and needles waiting for all hell to break loose when the wife contacts you again with news that her husband turned on her and beat the holy crap out of her.

    Reply
  3. Cell Phone Search's avatar
    Cell Phone Search
    April 11, 2007 at 12:23 pm

    It seems he does have some pretty severe intimacy issues. If he cares about enogh to do so, have him talk to someone.

    Reply
  4. Kathy's avatar
    Kathy
    June 5, 2007 at 2:22 am

    Weird!!! You know, I have a similar issue.. my boyfriend ONLY uses my name when he’s serious and fighting with me… like once he said “I don’t know Kathy, things are not working out”. That’s the only time he’ll use my name.. so maybe it’s not such a bad thing afterall.

    Reply
  5. violin2's avatar
    violin2
    August 19, 2007 at 12:06 am

    My husband of 40 yrs has a similar problem in that for the last 21 yrs he has found it impossible to use my name. I worked with a much younger girl who had similar issues with her husband so realised then that this was not an isolated problem confined to my man. I have always maintained that his childhood scarred him in many ways and with that in mind tried hard to excuse him of many things which even the children found difficult to accept. Now with just the two of us, I have taken steps to broaden my horizons, working abroad for 2 yrs and coming home quarterly which has strengthened me, made me more confident and above all allowed me to not feel threatened by my husband or allow him to have any power over me. He is an exacting and deep person but loyal and a deep sense of duty and commitment and an immense knowledge of facts regarding political and social issues and yet we converse little. With our extended family, friends and in the work place he is highly regarded and the life and soul of any party yet within his immediate family he is morose and gruff even with his grandchildren. I now let him get on with it as he appears happy and content. He won’t recognise he has a problem or any issues and refuses counselling or discussin. In the meantime, I am nameless and he continues to more or less ignore me although he freely admits to others I am the boss!!!! A complex character!!

    Reply
  6. to phentermine buy's avatar
  7. Unknown's avatar
    Dee
    April 26, 2010 at 12:57 pm

    Oh my good grief I cannot believe other people are feeling/living the same life as me. I am almost 30yrs married my husband has never called me by my christian name he has given me over the yrs a lot of unusual names for example – you/her/she the worst and most degrading being Yo!!- . Not only doesnt he use my name he wont call our kids by their names either – now we have grandchildren same applies to them this behaviour continues – I have ignored his stupid name calling – I even asked what was it about my name did he find embarrassing as obviously theres something seriously afoot!!! Asking had he problems pronouncing it clutching at straws with that one as my name is Dee

    He doesn’t have a problem calling other’s by their names – or his sisters/nephews/neices/cousins/friends….

    I know from discussions I had with my mother in law that she did not approve of this behavour – if its psychological how deep rooted? – This cannot be normal causes more arguments at home than enough as when my hubby starts to talk about one of my boys I get so lost in the conversation due to not knowing which one he’s refering too..

    Is it too late for him to change now – or do I spend the rest of my life Nameless..

    Reply
  8. Unknown's avatar
    Dee
    April 27, 2010 at 10:03 am

    Just a follow up to my last post. I attempted to shame my hubby by showing him this site. I read out 2 lines of the original post when he went off on one he became aggressive verbally because I had found this site. When I shouted back to him he’s a Physological Disorder of some description – I could not print in words his response or id be banned from this site. This Disorder must have a name or be a syndrome of some kind whatever it is – I wish he would seek help as I’m really at the end of my tether with it all..

    Reply
  9. dreamonwings's avatar
    dreamonwings
    January 6, 2011 at 3:33 pm

    My father has hardly ever called my mother by her name. 37 years of marriage, 8 kids, and 21 grandchildren haven’t changed that. He always refers to her as “her”, “your mama”, “she”, “you”. It has always irked me that I can almost count the times I’ve heard him say her name, and it was never directed at her. I would like to better understand why. My mother seems not to care but I see that it sometimes annoys her. She has always used his name or nickname. I think that’s why it gets to me.

    Reply
    

Leave a reply to Diane Cancel reply