Archive for July 18th, 2005

July 18, 2005

Our intimate life is boring……..

by Rod Smith

“My husband and I were happy until the birth of our son when our relationship changed. After our son was born he started cheating, lying, and drinking everyday. We spent less time together than we used to. I thought we were friends, but now it feels like we are distant cousins. Our sex life is boring.”

Your future must seem dull and painfully endless! While I am sad that you are victim to your husband’s cruel behavior, I am also sad for your child who is witnessing a marriage he could hardly want to emulate.

Please read David Schnarch’s book entitled Passionate Marriage. I will warn you that it is the very best book on sex and relationships I have ever read. While it is very sexual, it is never pornographic.

It is to be read as a whole, cover to cover, before judgments are issued on its worthiness.

The book outlines the journey of couples who have lives as miserable as you describe yours to be, and offers valuable keys for all marriages and all relationships.

I have gotten into hot water for recommending this book to couples, not only because it promotes very strong and healthy sex lives, but because it challenges people to live full, complete, and adventurous lives.

July 18, 2005

Two-year-old will not sleep

by Rod Smith

A reader writes….

“I am at my wits end and exhausted because of my two-year-old son who will not sleep through the night. How is it possible that a child can cry, without tears, for an hour and a half without giving up, even after being shouted at 1 am, made to stand in the corner and then eventually getting a smack to get him to sleep? I am determined not to give in to him. Besides drugging my child, what else can I try? He has an afternoon nap around noon daily and for an hour. He eats well and normally falls asleep at 7.15pm. He starts waking at about 11.30pm and this is when the fun starts!”

Rod responds….

This doesn’t sound like fun. Please see your physician and consult with a pediatrician. Remember your child is 2! He needs warmth, love, and acceptance in the night, not a smack or to stand in a corner. There is absolutely no reason at all, ever, to smack a two-year-old. This issue is not about his behavior, but about your behavior. What are you going to do when he is 12, and 14 and 17 and will not obey you?

Published in Newspapers, You and Me, Monday, July 18, 2005

July 18, 2005

Women who lose themselves

by Rod Smith

Women who lose themselves to a lover or a spouse, do so because they did not bring enough of self into the relationship in the first place. They “soft-pedal,” downplay, or compromise who they are in order to be accepted and loved.

Conversely, a woman, with a healthy sense of self, understands, before she even meets a man, that no man, (marriage, or children) will make her happier than she already is. Such a woman will not “lose herself” in a relationship because she does not invest all of her hopes and dreams in any relationship. Healthy people do not expect relationships to offer what relationships simply do not, and cannot, offer.

If a woman sees a man, (marriage, or children) as a means to be delivered from some unhappy state, or as possessing the key to finding true happiness, she has already sold herself to the illusion that her happiness and fulfillment somehow rests within the hands and the power of others.

Bringing strength, self-awareness, self-assured-ness, personal goals, courage and determination (a developed “sense of self”) to a relationship (in other words, refusing to “soft-pedal”) may indeed scare off a man who has a poor sense of himself, but it will invigorate and attract the kind of man who honors equality, mutuality and respect.

July 18, 2005

Found Porn in Son’s Room

by Rod Smith

“I found graphic pornography in my fifteen-year-old son’s bedroom. My husband and I want to handle this in a positive way. We have never been open to talking to him about sex.”

Together, as husband and wife, tell your son that you have found pornography in his room. Gently, and with kindness, tell him that you cannot perpetually monitor what he reads and that his reading material is something he himself will have to control.

Discussing pornography, and teaching your son healthy attitudes about sex, have nothing in common. Pornography is about lust, conquest, depersonalizing of people, runaway imaginations. It has nothing to do with love. Tell him you do not endorse pornography because it focuses on body parts, not people. It separates people from their bodies and makes people into objects in the mind of the user. Healthy sexuality, at minimum, is about love, respect, mutuality and equality.

Teach your son (as a couple) using discussions, books and videos, everything you want him to know about healthy human sexuality. Get over your hurdles about having such discussions. I am often amazed that parents will go to enormous effort to plan their approach to parenting, and yet miss talking about matters of human sexuality altogether!