Women who lose themselves

by Rod Smith

Women who lose themselves to a lover or a spouse, do so because they did not bring enough of self into the relationship in the first place. They “soft-pedal,” downplay, or compromise who they are in order to be accepted and loved.

Conversely, a woman, with a healthy sense of self, understands, before she even meets a man, that no man, (marriage, or children) will make her happier than she already is. Such a woman will not “lose herself” in a relationship because she does not invest all of her hopes and dreams in any relationship. Healthy people do not expect relationships to offer what relationships simply do not, and cannot, offer.

If a woman sees a man, (marriage, or children) as a means to be delivered from some unhappy state, or as possessing the key to finding true happiness, she has already sold herself to the illusion that her happiness and fulfillment somehow rests within the hands and the power of others.

Bringing strength, self-awareness, self-assured-ness, personal goals, courage and determination (a developed “sense of self”) to a relationship (in other words, refusing to “soft-pedal”) may indeed scare off a man who has a poor sense of himself, but it will invigorate and attract the kind of man who honors equality, mutuality and respect.

4 Responses to “Women who lose themselves”

  1. Thank you for your article. It made me realise that I have indeed been losing myself in a significant woaman/man relationship. From now on, I will be stronger in reinforcing my self worth.

  2. I also do not agree 100% with the perspective.
    I am dating a man coming out of a marriage, and he is the one whole lacks a complete sense of self. Obviously his state is fluid, and therefore I have been empathetic, and trying to encourage him to rebuild a life for himself including developing new friendships, interests, hobbies, and just to take time alone for himself.
    I have found myself being too empathetic, and hence, losing myself in the drama of his impending divorce.
    I am a very independent person, however do have a nurturing side (yes…I am a mother of a son).
    My problem is not the lack of my own life, my problem has been allowing him to depend on me too much for ‘a life’.

  3. Uhm..
    I knew I was causing this but didn’t connect with why and when I read “she has already sold herself to the illusion that her happiness and fulfillment somehow rests within the hands and the power of others” I felt a moment of recognition. So that’s whats wrong. I need to focus on and improve my sense of self. It’s the hardest thing ever to learn to treat yourself as well as you treat others. It seems so obvious but when your so close you have zero perception. Thanks


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