“My daughter was previously married and has two children from that marriage. Her two boys are five and eight. My daughter married again, a man with twin sons (9). Together, in the new marriage, they have a girl. My daughter has an ex-husband (who loves his children). Her new husband has an ex-wife (who loves her twins). There are periods when this ‘blended’ family seems to work, but it seems things are unraveling and the marriage will soon end. My daughter is asking for help.”

My heart goes out to all the participants in this difficult circumstance. 

Blending families is among the hardest challenges any couple in second and third marriages will ever face. 

There are always multiple levels of loyalties and commitments, pushes and pulls, recognized and unrecognized. 

There will be times when everybody will feel “in the middle” and “left out” and “picked on” purely as a result of the number of relationships in the family and the busyness of daily living.

I trust your daughter and her husband both know that ending the marriage will only multiply complexities.

While your daughter may not have the time or desire to read I’d strongly suggest “Extraordinary Relationships” by Roberta Gilbert. It’s quick, it pulls no punches, and it empowers the willing reader to make healthy shifts in the most difficult and complicated families.

Closeness, vulnerability, illness,  can evoke common fears: 

• The fear of exposure, of being discovered as a fraud, fake, failure, someone  who has been able to masquerade successes.
• The fear of abandonment, of discovering no one stayed or remained faithful to friendships, even to the continued enjoyment of familial connections.
• The fear of aloneness, of discovering there is no-one in your circle, your corner, there is no-one on your team. 
• The fear of total dependence, of discovering you are in the hands of strangers, helpers or nurses who talk loudly, speak in commands, regard you as overly needy, a person without a story and without a rich history. 
• The fear of having unfinished business, of having no time or opportunity to find or establish completion, to close the circle, to express regrets, to ask for forgiveness. 
• The fear of being surrounded by people for whom being right, being correct trumps and semblance of mercy. 

Love drives fear. Fear drives out love. May you and I, by grace alone, be the antidote to men and women who harbor such fears.

Loss, grief, mourning

A few things I’ve seen, known, experienced about significant loss, grief and mourning:

• Grief can go into hiding and emerge months, even years later, as something quite unexpected – like anger, disappointment or cynicism, or kindness, joy, softness, and appreciation.

• Time itself doesn’t heal, not usually. Some grief is never “healed” and some losses never find “closure” but the lack of either does not mean survivors will not, or cannot, live full, productive, beautiful lives.

• Replacing a loss with another person “too quickly” may be unwise, unfair, irresponsible (all things I’ve heard) but it doesn’t feel that way for the one who has suffered and insisting on expressing this is usually alienating and counterproductive and can rip already suffering families apart.

• Mourning has a life of its own, at least initially, and it’s best not tamed by the untrained.

• When a person who had suffered loss declares he or she’d rather not talk about “it” the desire is best respected.

• Our uniqueness as individuals is reflected in how people respond to difficulties associated with significant loss and it’s ridiculous to approach a grieving person with a step-by-step generic packaged formula.

• Non-possessive warmth, listening ears, and hot cups of tea may be the most powerful gifts a person can offer one who has suffered loss.

Making it a week of grace… 

The challenge is simple: be a presence of grace and healing wherever you are. 

Think ‘forgive’ not retaliation. Answer quietly, even if another roars. 

Listen, even when it is something you’d rather not hear. 

Resist return attacks with your own verbal volley when words are thrown at you, even if those words are untrue, unfair, and unwarranted. Don’t defend yourself, or attack anyone. 

Grace is about presence, and service. It is about declaring your willingness to comfort, to assist, to encourage. 

Grace is not demonstrated in blind giving, or indiscriminate enabling of the poor manners or the laziness of others, but it is shown when burdens are shared or when friends ‘clear the deck’ and so empower others to find their greatness. 

Grace is about perseverance, perseverance in love, truth, friendship, loyalty, and in finding humor even in the darkest of hours. 

May you make it, as far as you are able, a week of grace.

Three interlocking and overlapping qualities worth striving for in every adult relationship: 

Equality. 

We are equal. 

You may be wealthier than I am, more educated than I am, and had more experiences in a wide range of significant areas of life but, we are equals. 

You are not above me. I am not above you. 

If I have the lowliest job on the street while you command an army of assistants to do yours, we are equals. 

We contribute differently to the community but we are of equal value, divine value. 

Mutuality: 

Neither of us is more important than the other. 

I will pay for things as often as you do. I can choose our shared activities as often as you may. My voice in our relationship is as important as yours. We will each have our say in matters important to both of us. 

You are not in charge of us. I am not in charge of us. 

We are mutual participants in this friendship, marriage, or partnership. 

Respect: 

We respect each other. 

We speak well of each other to outsiders and talk warmly and kindly to each other. We honor each other with appropriate confidentiality and promote each other’s talents, dreams, and skills.

We give much consideration to how our individual actions impact each other and our friendship, marriage, or partnership.