September 16, 2009
by Rod Smith
USA
If applied, this dozen one-liners will help inject your life with emotional wellness:
1. Forgive everyone left right and center.
2. Give as much as humanly possible.
3. Speak up so others do not have to invent your story.
4. Stay out of relationships that do not immediately concern you.
5. Trust other adults with their own lives.
6. Write your memories so your great-great grandchildren can read them one day.
7. Be willing to negotiate and to compromise.
8. Apologize efficiently and accurately.
9. Take responsibility for yourself and your decisions.
10. Tip well.
11. Risk more.
12. Think and want only for yourself.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Voice |
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September 14, 2009
by Rod Smith
“Thanks for your suggestions about the horse-farm. Whenever I have said I’ll come over and help with the horses it’s a big ‘No, it’s his house, his property,’ and this was the guy she told me was making her life impossible when I met her. She says I cannot even to be out in the field. She is sleeping in his house and works with him on Mondays and Fridays. He has already admitted he wants her back.” (Edited)
USA
Until now you have been blind to your situation and deaf to what she has been really telling you. I’d suspect your partner is caught in a triangle of wanting her horse and not being able to stable it without succumbing to the will of her ex-husband. While this is tough for her it is you that has asked for help.
Here’s my challenge. In moving on do not try to teach the woman anything, or get back at her, or wave my columns under her nose. Just take your things (or have her take her things) and move out of her life. Tell her you are honoring her choices and that you are not willing to be in such a relationship.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Voice |
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September 7, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I am going to get a divorce if my wife’s drinking continues. She has been getting progressively worse and we have only been married for three years. I can’t stand the smell and I can’t stand not knowing how things will be every weekend. We have no children and I think it is time for me to get out as soon as possible. I am not willing to watch our life get flushed down the drain because she can’t help her drinking.”
Take up your life....
responsibility, you are faced with a shared issue: your threatened marriage. If you, without her drinking, are looking for an excuse to leave, don’t make her drinking the sole impetus for your leaving. I mention this because the tone of your letter suggests your bags are already packed and her drinking is a convenient way out.
Therefore, I am going to assume a few things: you have, when she is sober, let her know how much her drinking impacts your life; given her adequate warning and opportunity to get the kind of help she needs; talked to both immediate families and alerted all regarding the gravity of what you are both facing.
Posted in Anger, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Voice |
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September 7, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I am stuck between my in-laws and my husband. I am the ‘nice’ one who will communicate, who will visit, who will make suggestions that we meet for meals. My husband will go along with my plans and complain about it all once we are home. He just doesn’t like to be around his family and I do. It seems awful but he really doesn’t seem to like anyone and prefers to go to work and stay at home when he is not working. Believe it or not we have an excellent marriage. I just want him to go out more. What can I do?”
USA
He’s not. Let him be. Try to shift your wanting, the willfulness, the desire to implement change in another, off him and onto yourself only. This is NOT selfish, – while trying to impose change upon another, even when it is born of love, IS.
Make your own plans while sometimes inviting – not coercing – him to join you. Once you are in social settings while he is at home, neither “cover” for him nor expose him. Tell people the truth just as you have told me. There’s no crime in wanting to be home alone. Give your husband the room to make his own rhythm with his family. Clearly it is different from yours.
There is a very clear distinction between wanting and manipulating. The very minute our wanting is used to “push” other adults (or using white magic) our love shifts from love into manipulation. Do your own wanting for yourself – wanting your wants upon another is meddling, and a waste of vital energy, and it is a waste of a good want you could be spending more productively on yourself!
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September 5, 2009
by Rod Smith
I am living with my boyfriend and I want to get married. He says marriage is just a piece of paper. What should I do?
USA
, you move out, or, you move him out. You tell him that marriage is important to you and you will move back after the wedding – if there is one. Inform him that there are many women who are willing to “live with” men without marriage, and that while that was once true for you, it is no longer so. Your boyfriend has been very clear about what he thinks of marriage and so you might take some time to evaluate whether or not you want to spend your future, build a home, rear children, combine resources with a man who regards a sacred commitment and a legal contract with such flippancy. What if he decides your child’s birth certificate is “just a piece of paper”, or your home or car loan is “just a piece of paper” and walks away from the related responsibilities.
ACT, Australia
for awhile and are following through with the thoughts you have been having and values you are holding. It would be good to explore them even more, perhaps in a journal or getting help from someone who can help you put words to what has brought you to this decision. Solidifying and validating what you are strongly feeling is part of walking into the change you want to see happen in your situation. Following your own value system as it is so totally different to your partner’s will be your ‘next’ step.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Voice |
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August 25, 2009
by Rod Smith
Embracing life and blessing others....
my sister was Facebook. Hardly a birth or birthday on three continents misses Jennifer Arthur’s attention. She remembers wedding anniversaries for at least half of Durban and, now that she is on holiday in Australia, I am sure she gathering friends and addresses and birthdays all over the Central Coast. If you met my sister on a bus between terminals in a busy airport and shared the briefest moment of chitchat you’d be guaranteed a Christmas card from her forever.
She is a living switchboard connecting people whether they like it or not. Family members or old friends, who for whatever reason try to get away, have no hope. She’s onto them – writing, phoning, being so nice they come sprinting back into the fold.
It’s uncanny. She is always “online” and by this I mean “up” and happy. Unlike computers, my sister is never “down.” I have never met a child who didn’t want my sister to be his or her grandmother. She’s “Granny Goose” or just “Goose” all over the place.
Yes. Long before you ever clicked to be someone’s friend on Facebook you were already on my sister’s list. She is just waiting for you to accept her friendship – then she’ll get your snail-mail address and send you a birthday card until you die – after that, and forever, she’ll send “I’m-sorry” cards to all your relatives on the day that was your birthday.
Posted in Friendship, Leadership, Voice, Womanhood |
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August 24, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My fiancée and I are discussing wedding options. It’s my first marriage, and his third. I dreamed of a big traditional wedding but considering it’s his third, I understand he has done a ‘big wedding’ twice so a smaller wedding would be appropriate. He has two daughters and I have a son. We then got to the topic of the honeymoon his daughter (12) is adamant they should come with. I feel I should draw the line. I am already giving up the big traditional wedding and feel that I would rather have a wonderful honeymoon alone with my husband. My fiancée agrees with the children and wants them with us overseas for two weeks on honeymoon. How do I deal with this?”
USA
I can only assume your future husband feels incapable of taking a stand with his children or that he needs the diversion the children will bring. Either way this will be a rub long after the honeymoon is over.
But go ahead. Draw the line. Be aware you will probably not get your way.
More important than planning your honeymoon, I’d suggest you meet with both his ex-wives and gain some insight about how you all plan to co-parent the children.
ACT, Australia
have been through two marriages and are approaching a third. It sounds like there could be anger and insecurity within one of the daughters and perhaps the other too. You are entering a relationship where your wishes and values aren’t considered as important as future wife and potential friend of the girls. I am wondering whether seeking professional help for you both might be an option before decisions are put into place.
Midwest, USA
are made will set the tone for how the two of you will do marriage. Identify your needs and expectations before the wedding. If you allow his 12 year old daughter to dictate who goes on YOUR honeymoon, she will continue to dictate your marital relationship. Being Flexible and negotiating well are essential components in healthy families, especially when two families join. Giving up what you need or desire most of the time, however, is not.
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Voice |
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August 19, 2009
by Rod Smith
Rock the boat, don't sink it....
– the emotional and relational equivalent of parking in a different spot, using a different stairwell, climbing the stairs rather than using the elevator, or sitting at a different table. This is not to be difficult or to seek attention, but to challenge the well-worn paths that have become too comfortable and predictable for you. Shifting how you relate will be like opening the windows and letting in fresh air.
2. Re-adjust your internal GPS – you make the decisions about how you behave, what you like and dislike, what you do with your leisure opportunities, and the direction you are taking with the years ahead of you. Placing your direction, your likes and dislikes, the use of your time and resources in the hands of others is not an indication of love or friendship. It’s an abdication of personal responsibility.
3. Do what you really love to do. Become an expert in what you love. If you don’t know what you love and are good at, you will assume tasks and responsibilities outside of your set of innate skills. Repeatedly landing tasks you don’t want will bring you no joy. Knowing and doing what you love will make you an asset wherever you are, and, as an added bonus, you will be fun to be around.
Posted in Anger, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Victims, Voice, Womanhood |
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August 4, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I am recently divorced and left my marital home with my son (4). The ex still lives in our marital home. He and his girlfriend (the reason for the divorce) and her kids spend most of their time at this house and so does my son. My son is acting out and wants us to go back home. It’s so difficult for me to make him understand we can’t go back. I love this child who is my absolute life but he seems to want to be with his dad rather than me. This hurts so much. I don’t know if I can cope much longer with him always crying for his dad. He cries for me when he’s with his dad and cries for his dad when he’s with me. He’s also turning into quite a manipulator like telling me that he won’t have breakfast if I don’t take him to his dad. Please help.”
India
Your son is trying his best to “communicate” how he is feeling… unfortunately, divorce is not something he will understand until he is older. You and his father must come to an agreement about how to put his needs first.
USA
This is difficult for you to grasp yet you want a four-year-old to get it! Increase your capacity to tolerate his pain while decreasing your dependence on his love. The boy wants to go home – don’t make it about preference of one parent over another.
ACT, Australia
distressed because of the divorce. His behavior is about what’s happening NOT because he prefers you or your husband. Really strong loving boundaries are needed for him in this painful transition.
Scotland
Your son really isn’t a happy little chap, his life is insecure and unpredictable. He ‘acts out’ because he can’t ‘speak out’. You and your husband must work together to provide stability for him.
Posted in Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Family, High maintenance relationships, Manipulation, Parenting/Children, Re-marriage, Single parenting, Spousal abuse, Triangles, Voice |
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July 29, 2009
by Rod Smith
Speak up....
When Thulani was about nine months old we once entered the USA through LAX.
A roaming immigration officer met us in the line.
“Papers!” he demanded without looking at me.
“I beg your pardon,” I said.
“Papers? Passports? Where’s the mother?” he said.
“Sir,” I said, “The courts in Indiana decided that the whereabouts of my son’s mother is no one’s business.”
The officer stormed off with our passports, only to return to repeat the question.
“I have told you,” I said. “Now, tell me officer,” I continued, “What are your worst fears?”
I pointed out that the legitimacy of the passport ought to calm his worst fears. Getting a little more than irritated I noted:
“I can’t figure out if this is sexism or racism? You’re not checking other parents and babies. Is it you can’t imagine a man traveling with a young baby or it is that we are different colors. Both will make a good story for Time,” I suggested.
Then, having slept through all this in a backpack on my back, Thulani awoke.
“Dadadadadadadadaaaa,” he said into my ear and the official stuffed our passports into my hands and left us alone.
He never did answer my questions.
Posted in Parenting/Children, Single parenting, Voice |
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