Archive for ‘Marriage’

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May 15, 2006

Ten signs that all is not well with your primary relationship..

by Rod Smith
  1. He/she has excessive unaccounted for mileage on the car and chunks of time and money for which he/she will not account.
  2. He/she hides bills for credit cards, cell phones and bank statements.
  3. He/she uses lower or different tones on his/her phone when you are around.
  4. He/she is present in body alone because his/her head seems to prefer living or being elsewhere.
  5. You are checking the mileage on the car, clockwatching to know where your he/she is, and counting his/her money to know where every cent goes.
  6. You are rummaging through bills for credit cards, cell phones and bank statements in an effort to retrace his/her steps.
  7. You are trying to listen to every conversation he/she has with anyone.
  8. You are present in body alone because you spend your waking moments trying to get into his/her head to see what he/she is thinking, feeling, planning, and wishing.
  9. Details for business trips (who, when, why) are obscure or hard to pin down.
  10. Compliments feel like efforts to manipulate; apologies feel like warnings; looking in each other’s eyes feels very unsettling.

  

Posted in Affairs, Anxiety, Betrayal, Communication, Family, High maintenance relationships, Marriage, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Voice | 1 Comment »

April 19, 2006

A person who loves you…….

by Rod Smith

1. Does not intentionally embarrass you in private or in public by what he/she says or does. Partners sometimes use scornful humor and cutting sarcasm in private and in public. Love does all it can to avoid such behavior. (Parents who intentionally embarrass their children may well love their children, but their behavior is not loving).
2. Listens attentively to what you have to say to others even if he/she has heard what you are saying many times.
3. Stands up for you when you are right and stands up to you when you are not.
4. Will refuse to be a pushover within the relationship.
5. Does not offer you unquestioned support no matter what you want to do. Unquestioned support comes, arises not from love, but from idiocy. Blind support is no sign of love, not even in a marriage.
6. Is not afraid to ask tough questions. He/she who knows he/she is loved will welcome tough questions.
7. Does not try to cut you off from your community, monitor what you read or to whom you talk.
8. Does not tell you how to dress, speak, think or feel.
9. Gives you regular uninterrupted, eye-to-eye contact time in order to hear what is occurring in your life and about what is important to you and to similarly reflect about his/her life. This means time without television, radio, music, and cellular phones, pagers, computers, Email, or children invading the holy territory between you.
10. Regards your shared private life with absolute and undiluted respect.

Posted in Love, Marriage | 2 Comments »

April 17, 2006

Triggers – hit hardest in intimate relationships

by Rod Smith

Have you had feelings come over, even overwhelm you, that you recognize from childhood? Has background music, the whiff of a particular perfume, seemed to emotionally cripple you? Unresolved childhood traumas will almost certainly visit victims as they get older.

Sadly, it is in intimacy that negative associations of childhood most strongly stir. It is in the beauty of loving relationships that the memory of an inappropriate or abusive moment tugs eerily from a distance. A forced closeness years ago now hinders you when you long for adult intimacy. It is in love that the traumas of childhood raise ugly heads. So intricate is our human makeup that intimate connections stir positive and also negative memories. It’s negative triggers that are indiscriminate, often unyielding, forming debilitating links to the hidden pain of our lives.

Tensions with a spouse might have nothing to do with the spouse but with what’s unresolved from our adolescents. We fight yesterday’s battles today, with the “wrong” person. The conflict is an attempt to settle childhood scores. There’s benefit to discovering relationship struggles often have their origins a generation from where we might seek resolution. Examination, prayerful consideration of our bundle of triggers can defuse them and peace might be found.

Posted in Anxiety, Manipulation, Marriage, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Triggers, Trust | 1 Comment »

April 16, 2006

A love story

by Rod Smith

Steve and Ann Reynolds, my neighbors, have been married for 25 years.

Some years ago, Steve and Ann were each aware that Ann deeply wanted to return to university to pursue a Masters Degree. Having four teenagers, careers, and a home, the prospects of one parent assuming a heavy schedule of university classes was not too daunting for Steve or Ann.

Steve told Ann he’d take care of the children’s complicated lives of school, sport and extra-curiccular activities. He agreed to run the home, cook, do the shopping and manage the mass of laundry generated by six people. Steve, apart from working, agreed facilitate all their domestic responsibilities so Ann could focus on her studies – for the next four years!

They did it! With remarkable cooperation from the children, Steve did all he said he’d do (no maid, no yard help) while Ann completed her degree achieving high honors.

It was a pleasure to sit near the family in a packed auditorium and watch a husband, three sons and a daughter, enthusiastically applaud a wife and mother as she walked across the stage at her graduation ceremony. Such enduring cooperation between equal adults, each doing what was best for all concerned, makes a fine demonstration of what being in love is all about.

Posted in Love, Marriage, Space, Voice | Leave a Comment »

March 21, 2006

Seven “essentials” before marrying someone with children?

by Rod Smith

Enjoy it? Pass it on...

Enjoy it? Pass it on...

1. Plan several sessions of “hard” talking with your potential spouse. It is essential that you temporarily forget the romantic elements of your relationship to talk business. Blending families is one of life’s most difficult challenges, which is further compounded when both parties have children.

2. Don’t try to be the stepparent before you legally occupy the role. Prematurely playing a role will create problems once you legitimately occupy it. It is essential you do not assume roles you don’t occupy. If a child (or future spouse) treats you as a parent, it doesn’t mean you are one. Troubles brew when people push themselves, or are pushed by others, into roles they do not occupy. (This is true even beyond families!)

3. Bridges are best built before they are needed. It is essential that you insist on multiple meetings with both parents of ALL the children before you consider marriage. These meetings will focus on methods of co-parenting in order to secure everyone’s best advantage. If implementing such meetings seems overwhelming to you, you are probably heading for a minefield of countless unexpected, unwelcome complications – that will seem (believe it or not) even too large for love to overcome! What is avoided (denied, glossed over, minimized) pre-wedding will rise like a rabid monster quite soon after the wedding.

4. Financial integrity is as important as sexual fidelity! It is essential that you look into every detail of all financial records of your spouse-to-be and offer your own finances for similar scrutiny — before you plan a wedding. Persons who cannot responsibly handle money are unlikely to be able to handle the pressures of thriving within a blended family. If a would-be spouse suggests information* about his or her finances are off-limits to you, wipe the dust off your feet and depart, no matter how much love you may feel. Authentic love, apart from having many other facets, is also measured in the degree of financial partnering* (not necessarily blending) is established between lovers. Resilient love seeks the wise, open use of combined resources. Because blending families also often involves complex financial arrangements (child support and so forth, divorce costs, education bills for children of a former marriage) hiding the details from a would-be spouse is exceedingly unfair to all involved.*

5. Flee “blamers.” An adult who blames their former spouse (or parents, or childhood, the new political order) for everything will also, before long, blame you for everything.

6. Avoid people who cannot engage in civil conversations with an ex, with their parents, or their children.

7. Getting Johnny (or Mary) a stepparent will not ease his dissatisfaction with the divorce, school, or his craving for a “real family.” It is essential to understand that getting married will not solve any but the most superficial current family issues. Blending families is likely to unveil and exacerbate more problems than it solves.

This said, and so much of it sounds negative, blended families hold the potential to enrich and empower all the people involved. Some of the healthiest, happiest families I have met in many years of meeting with families (in all manner of circumstances) have been blended families!

* A reader kindly pointed out that my column suggests finances ought to be blended. I do not believe this is always wise or necessary. I do believe the couple MUST be OPEN about the details or all financial matters. See comment here: http://rodesmith.com/2008/01/20/reader-comments-on-blending-finances/

Posted in Blended families, Children, Divorce, Marriage, Parenting/Children, Re-marriage, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers | 12 Comments »

March 13, 2006

Jack was unfaithful and Jill can’t get over it…….

by Rod Smith

“Jack” and “Jill” have been married for twelve years. “Coincidences” lead Jill to stumble on Jack’s affair. She is “mortified.” He confesses. He wants to “get on with my life and marriage.” Jack is angry because Jill can’t “get over” the affair. She wants to talk about it “all the time.” He cannot understand why she doesn’t trust him or want intimacy. He says she can’t forgive. (Theme from several letters)

Dear Jack: Thank God your wife talks with you at all. Be surprised if she is ever willingly intimate again. Your betrayal challenges the foundation of your lives. Forgiving you, and desiring you, have very little in common. Marriage without fidelity is not a marriage. You are lucky to still have one.

Dear Jill: Trusting Jack is up to you, it is not up to him! I’d suggest “guarded trust” for about two years. Request, if you are up to it, that Jack arrange for you to meet the “other woman” so that, in your presence, he can tell her he really wants his marriage and that he was at fault for deceiving and hurting you. Decide how long you need to refrain from physical intimacy. Challenge yourself not to let it linger indefinitely. Marriage without sexual intimacy is not a marriage – and he is lucky he still has one.

Posted in Affairs, Divorce, High maintenance relationships, Marriage, Victims | Leave a Comment »

March 6, 2006

How to have good conflict with somene you love

by Rod Smith

“Stop. Look. Listen,” is a well-known maxim used to teach children to safely cross the street. It’s also helpful when employed by loving adults who are in conflict with each other. Flying off the handle, jumping to conclusions, and speaking before listening can result in unnecessarily hurtful exchanges.

Both persons would benefit from agreeing to:

Stop: Remind yourself that your conflict is with a person with whom you have significant history. While stopping is not easy, when you feel attacked or betrayed, slowing yourself down will reduce the damage that can result when words are hastily exchanged.

Look: Look at the person with whom you are in conflict. Look into his or her eyes deeply enough until you can see into their heart. It is unlikely the person before you is purposefully trying to hurt you.

Listen: After you have stopped and looked, listen to the issue at hand. Listen to what is being said, to what is not being said. Listen without interrupting, whether you agree or not.

In stopping, looking and listening you might learn about your blind spots, your potential for denial and the perspective of others — and you might find some resolution without causing unnecessary pain and hurt.

Posted in Anger, Communication, Family, Marriage | Leave a Comment »

March 1, 2006

Don’t confuse sex and intimacy: sometimes the two never meet!

by Rod Smith

Finding Intimate Relationships

Different people can give words very different meanings. For some, intimacy means physical sex. Intimacy is about much more than sex. It is about much more than what people can do with their bodies.

Here are some points about intimacy for consideration:

1. It is the ability to see another’s worlds as his or her world really is without bringing pressure to change what is seen in that world. It is the ability to accept another person’s reality even if it is not what we want it to be.

2. It is the recognition that physical sex is not automatically intimate. People who are very “far apart” can join their bodies for sex. Physical sexual activity can feel close without being at all intimate. Sex can be very misleading and is often a way to avoid intimacy and love.

3. Intimacy is sharing life and keeping what is shared within the framework of that relationship. It is possible, and not “dangerous,” as I have heard promulgated in some quarters, to have many intimate relationships (nothing to do with sex) at varying levels with different people.

4. In an ideal world, intimacy is first intellectual, then spiritual, then emotional and, when appropriate, sexual. It is easier to perform an impersonal sex act than it is to have an intimate relationship that is also sexually intimate. It is unlikely that a relationship that begins with sexual activity will be able to grow into a truly intimate relationship, sexual or otherwise. (Unlikely: not impossible.)

5. The person, with whom we are sexually intimate, will share with us the deepest intimacies of all. The relationship will penetrate deeper into all facets of our lives than all the other relationships we have. (This might help people understand why breaking up is hard to do).

6. It is so very seldom understood and appreciated that intimacy is an individual pursuit and is not dependent on the cooperation of another. One person can be very intimate with another when that other person might be choosing not to be intimate at all.

7. Casual sex, by definition, cannot be intimate. Casual sex is an act of the avoidance of intimacy.

Copyright 1998, Rod Smith, MSMFT

Posted in Communication, Marriage, Sex matters | Leave a Comment »

February 22, 2006

I’m married to a pessimist…..

by Rod Smith

“There is an expression that says ‘Two men looked out of the prison bars and one saw mud and the other saw stars.’ Please give me your opinion on ‘negative people’ and how to handle them. I have been married to one for many years and at times it gets me down.”

It is a matter of perspective as “negative people” usually see themselves, not as pessimists, but as “grounded” realists

While it might be hard to believe, your sense of optimism might be as tiring for your spouse as is your spouse’s pessimism is for you.

I’d suggest you avoid the attempt to change a negative person into a positive one. This will meet great resistance and you will unnecessarily corner (or trap) each other over matters that are not worth fighting over.

Try to accept that you are married to a person whom you regard as being negative just as you spouse will have to accept that he or she is married to an optimist. Do not allow your spouse to infect you with negativity (to change you) anymore than you want to try change what they are. Surrender control.

No matter what attitudes surround you, remember that it is you alone, who determines your mood on any given day.

Posted in Love, Marriage | Leave a Comment »

February 14, 2006

My parents are critical of my husband…..

by Rod Smith

Reader: “My parents are very critical of the way my husband treats our children. I hear it (from them) all the time but they never say anything to him face to face. My husband is a strong and good father who doesn’t let our two children get away with laziness or without playing their part in the family. He is a really involved dad and we are very happily married. My mother tells me she thinks he is too strict and that the children will resent him when they are older. I don’t think this will be true. Please help.”

It is unlikely your children will resent their father if he is as you say he is. Tell your parents you will no longer participate in conversations about absent family members. Talking negatively (sometimes even “positively”) about someone who is not present (and therefore able to participate in the conversation) has a name: it is called gossip. Your account of your husband portrays a wonderful man, husband and father. Suggest to your parents that your husband be present for any conversations where his name is mentioned.

Posted in Marriage | Leave a Comment »

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