May 16, 2006
by Rod Smith
REQUEST FOR ADVICE: I am divorced. My son (15) and I live with my partner who is a wonderful man. Every second weekend our home is miserable because his son (9) comes to stay. I find my partner’s son very manipulative. My partner cannot see anything wrong and I am told I continuously pick on his son. I have rules in my home with which my son must abide and when his son comes to visit the same rules apply. Because I am blamed constantly and told that I don’t like his son, it is becoming a reality. I would greatly appreciate some advice. (Letter edited)
ROD’S REPLY: If your partner is so wonderful marry him. This will give you a legal platform for a relationship with his child and then you can legitimately refer to his house – your letter suggests you are living with him – as your home.
In the meantime I’d suggest you (and your son) find alternative accommodation every second weekend while you research what it is about you that a nine-year-old child can wield has so much power over you.
Adult behavior is very important in setting the framework for a child’s behavior. Neither adult is presently offering this boy a stable, trustworthy context and of course he is going to learn to manipulate!
Posted in Children, Family, Manipulation, Re-marriage, Step parenting |
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May 15, 2006
by Rod Smith
- He/she has excessive unaccounted for mileage on the car and chunks of time and money for which he/she will not account.
- He/she hides bills for credit cards, cell phones and bank statements.
- He/she uses lower or different tones on his/her phone when you are around.
- He/she is present in body alone because his/her head seems to prefer living or being elsewhere.
- You are checking the mileage on the car, clockwatching to know where your he/she is, and counting his/her money to know where every cent goes.
- You are rummaging through bills for credit cards, cell phones and bank statements in an effort to retrace his/her steps.
- You are trying to listen to every conversation he/she has with anyone.
- You are present in body alone because you spend your waking moments trying to get into his/her head to see what he/she is thinking, feeling, planning, and wishing.
- Details for business trips (who, when, why) are obscure or hard to pin down.
- Compliments feel like efforts to manipulate; apologies feel like warnings; looking in each other’s eyes feels very unsettling.
Posted in Affairs, Anxiety, Betrayal, Communication, Family, High maintenance relationships, Marriage, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Voice |
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May 14, 2006
by Rod Smith
Reader’s Letter: “I am divorced but live with a wonderful man and have a very stable and loving home environment for my son (13). My ex-husband and his new wife have boys aged 17 and 13. All three boys get on very well. My son arrived home from the weekend with his dad and showed me a black bruise on his arm. When I asked him how he got the bruise I was told that his dad had made a new rule: if the boys don’t brush their teeth by 9.30am, don’t pick up clothes, or use bad language, the boys are allowed to punch each other as punishment. So my son was punched in the arm by the seventeen-year-old for not brushing his teeth. I contacted my ex-husband about this and he told me to keep my nose out of his affairs how he runs his home. Your advice would be greatly appreciated.”
Everything pertaining to your son is always your business – keep your nose in it. Meet with your son’s stepmother, who will surely share your concern, and request this barbaric approach to cleaner teeth, rooms and mouths, stops! Such behavior among three boys can do none any possible good. But be wise; the children do get along. Be unrelenting in seeking your son’s absolute safety. “Running his home” is about who vacuums the house, who takes out the trash – abusing your son does not quite fit into that category!
Posted in Adolescence, Anger, Children, Divorce, Family, Parenting/Children, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother |
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May 8, 2006
by Rod Smith
Q: My husband does not like my parents very much but puts up with them when they visit us about once every two weeks. He is civil to them and will even chat with both my parents about all sorts of things – all when it suits him. I want more – I want them to really bond like I have bonded with his parents. I think this will be good for our children to see a warm loving relationship between their father and all their grandparents. What can I do?
A: Stay out of this! Don’t interfere in relationships that do not include you. Your husband’s relationships with your parents might impact you, but they don’t include you. Leave your husband and your parents to “bond’ in any way they feel comfortable (or uncomfortable).
Your anxiety about the affairs of others is likely to be more damaging to your family than your husband’s cordial relationship with your parents.
Want for yourself and for matters that directly involve you. Wanting for others will make you feel superior, and make you feel important, but it is a waste of your energy. Don’t waste your wanting!
Posted in Anxiety, Communication, Family, In-laws |
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April 28, 2006
by Rod Smith
Reader Query: Our son is 7 and the youngest of two. He is going through a terrible patch of feeling unheard, unloved and unequal. He is very intelligent and confident which is extremely over-powering. His demands cannot be met because he has overstepped all his boundaries. He has a heart of gold and a soft inner personality but his outer appearance is tough and strong. He is crying out for help and so are we, especially me, his mother with whom he feels he can just be himself and it gets very out of control. I find myself trying to escape him, which torments me because my two boys are MY LIFE. My husband says he needs to know where he stands, find where he belongs in life, and, once his confidence is up again, he will excel because he has leadership qualities! The boy has just overcome shingles and was very ill. I am certain it was due to stress, although I could be wrong. Please help. (Letter edited)
Rod’s Reply: I found your letter moving. Please seek face-to-face help with a pediatrician. Consider a personal journey to a place where your children are part of, but not YOUR LIFE. Some space between you and the boys might benefit everyone in the family.
Posted in Anxiety, Children, Family, Parenting/Children |
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March 21, 2006
by Rod Smith
1. Who has many wisely chosen friends and several safe homes in which to visit and enjoy them.
2. Who has benevolent, yet alert, adult supervision.
3. Who is not over-powered by “negative” friends, and, as a result, does not engage in activities that contradict the “positive” values embodied by his or her immediate and extended family.
4. Who is wise enough not to be preoccupied with his or her peers to the unnecessarily exclusion of siblings and parents.
5. Who rejects the pervasive deception that rebellion is a necessary part of growing up.
6. Whose parents understand the delicate balance of encouraging autonomy while providing a necessary safety net when confusion or turmoil strikes.
7. Who understands the value of hard work, the joy of saving money, and the necessity of guarding his or her integrity.
8. Who has learned appropriate humility and who can therefore say things like “I am sorry” and “I was wrong” without expecting an applause or a reward.
9. Who embraces full responsibility for his or her own future.
10. Who and lives without blaming others (parents, childhood, teachers) or circumstances.
11. Who lives without feeling entitled to that which he or she has not earned.
There really are such teens. I have met many around the world.
Posted in Family, Teenagers |
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March 11, 2006
by Rod Smith
I believe we are fully adulthood when:
1. We can be authentic with all people, including our parents, treating all others respectfully as equals, despite rank, position or the apparent lack of it.
2. We respect mutuality and equality and want them in all of our relationships.
3. We have acknowledged our hurts, grieved appropriately and decided to live to the fullest. We can delay gratification.
4. Confusion, ambiguity and uncertainty are allies, not enemies. We can “hold” seemingly conflicting thoughts and beliefs without becoming unsettled.
5. We can take full responsibility for our lives despite past trauma or neglect. We are able to recognize when and how we were victimized but no longer think, speak, feel or behave like victims.
6. We do not victimize others.
7. We have a small group of people to whom we talk about almost everything, but feel no compulsion to tell everybody or anyone everything.
8. We stop apologizing for things for which we could never be held responsible in the first place.
9. We clear misunderstandings as quickly as possible.
10. We can stand up for ourselves without pushing others out of the way.
11. We can see that all things are related and are therefore careful to apply quick solutions to problems because quick solutions are likely to foster new, unexpected problems.
12. We learn to appreciate and love “the moment” rather than live as if we are perpetually waiting for a day when things will be better.
13. We can perceive when others do not have our best interests at heart but are not afraid to remain in relationship with such people, confident of our ability to self-protect.
Posted in Communication, Faith, Family, Sex matters |
5 Comments »
March 8, 2006
by Rod Smith
I am getting divorced after twenty years of marriage. While discussing financial matters, my soon-to-be ex-husband told me that in his “new life” he has found love that he has never before experienced with me. After all the feelings of betrayal and the on-going tension with the three children, when he said this it still hit me very hard. Was there nothing in 24 years he thought was real love? He has no clue about how hurtful it was to hear such a thing? Should I be angry or sad?
Be both! Each is appropriate. Knowing it is very difficult, I encourage you to shift your focus off him. Divorce is often a cruel form of warfare and he deployed a weapon to inflict unnecessary pain. His words have no benefit to anyone but to underscore that the man you once loved has resorted to unnecessary cruelty. Perhaps he is looking affirmation, some way of telling himself that he has done the right thing; that his move was worth it. Leaving children carries a great price. Somehow blaming you (for not really giving him “real” love) puts some of that payment at your feet. Don’t believe a word of it!
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Divorce, Family |
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March 6, 2006
by Rod Smith
“Stop. Look. Listen,” is a well-known maxim used to teach children to safely cross the street. It’s also helpful when employed by loving adults who are in conflict with each other. Flying off the handle, jumping to conclusions, and speaking before listening can result in unnecessarily hurtful exchanges.
Both persons would benefit from agreeing to:
Stop: Remind yourself that your conflict is with a person with whom you have significant history. While stopping is not easy, when you feel attacked or betrayed, slowing yourself down will reduce the damage that can result when words are hastily exchanged.
Look: Look at the person with whom you are in conflict. Look into his or her eyes deeply enough until you can see into their heart. It is unlikely the person before you is purposefully trying to hurt you.
Listen: After you have stopped and looked, listen to the issue at hand. Listen to what is being said, to what is not being said. Listen without interrupting, whether you agree or not.
In stopping, looking and listening you might learn about your blind spots, your potential for denial and the perspective of others — and you might find some resolution without causing unnecessary pain and hurt.
Posted in Anger, Communication, Family, Marriage |
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February 28, 2006
by Rod Smith
Let your child see he is capable of much good by encouraging him to be generous and kind toward others. If you, the adult, in your own life, place high value on generosity, the child growing up around you will form deep and lasting memories of your generosity and he will be empowered to seek a lifetime of giving.
Let your child see you give. Let him see you assisting in relieving the suffering of the poor, let him see you standing for justice and doing what is right.
Allow your child to see, as early as is possible, that his actions have consequences so that the world will not take him by surprise when it expects much of him. Let him see his moods can affect others, that his attitudes can be his best friends or his ardent enemies. Do this so that he will not be surprised when people expect him to take full responsibility for his life.
You, the parent, are the most powerful means of showing your child how adults behave, how the world works, how to be an effective and loving human being.
You, the parent, can do this from the earliest of days, and all without using guilt or blame.
Posted in Family, Parenting/Children, Single parenting |
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