July 19, 2007
by Rod Smith
My daughter (16) wants to spend the night on some weekends at her boyfriend’s (16) house. My husband is dead set against it and this causes a mini cold war in our house. Her boyfriend’s parents are very kind people who are very capable of supervising our daughter and their son – but it still makes my husband very uncomfortable. My husband is not the kind of man to express his views but expects me to be the go-between. What should we do? (Edited)
Your letter offers no indication of your opinion regarding your daughter’s relationship with her boyfriend and his family. It is clear that you have become the appointed spokesperson. I’d suggest you remove yourself from the middle of this triangle and let your husband and daughter speak to each other about his concerns. Personally, I’d rather err on the side of trusting too much than err on the side of trusting too little.
Of paramount importance is that you keep lines of communication open between your daughter and you – and that will be next to impossible while you are an agent of your husband’s anxiety.
Posted in Adolescence, Anxiety, Attraction, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Parenting/Children, Teenagers, Voice, Young Love |
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July 12, 2007
by Rod Smith
1. The children’s wants are habitually placed ahead of the needs of the parents.
2. Day-to-day family decisions revolve around the children and their delicate moods and mood swings.
3. There is an anxious cloud hovering over the parents as the reason for being together is no longer love and commitment, but the creation of a perfect environment for children.
4. Adult conversations are next to impossible because the children interrupt conversations at will, or, in the children’s absence, the children’s developments and “sweetness” are the focus of every conversation.
5. Self-esteem is considered so fragile that the children are overly protected from the truth about his or her skills, talents and abilities.
6. One of the adults feels married to a parent and not to a partner.
7. The parents have given up all former hobbies and interests and focused all their energy upon the children.
8. The home’s décor is dominated by the children’s art and photographs, which, of course, is not in itself negative, but something is amiss when parents appear to have lost all perspective regarding the adult’s and children’s place in the larger context of life and life’s demands. Celebrating children is one thing; worshipping children is harmful.
Posted in Adolescence, Children, Difficult Relationships, Parenting/Children, Sex education |
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June 30, 2007
by Rod Smith
As I write I’m between Taiwan and (South) Korea. By the end the week I will have interacted with many audiences in both countries. After running seminars in about 30 countries for 20 years, I am made painfully aware, once again, that:
1. Crippling anxiety lurks in every culture. There are people from all walks of life, everywhere, who are crippled with anxiety over very similar issues (children, the future, looming poverty, fidelity of a spouse, and so forth) despite language, culture, religion, and economic differences. Anxiety’s a killer, no matter who or where you are.
2. If a person does not, or will not, see whatever it is that is making his or her relationships unstable, there is not much likelihood change will occur. Denial is “helpful” everywhere.
3. A person who does not make others aware of what he or she wants, likes or dislikes, will quickly be submerged by the ‘loving’ agenda of another. People play ‘space-invaders’ in the name of ‘love’ everywhere.
4. Blame, shame, and guilt serve no enduring, useful purpose, no matter how effectively imposed. I am truly alarmed at how widely so-called leaders are “baptized” in their belief that applying blame, shame and guilt will offer hurting people lasting change.
Posted in Differentiation, Difficult Relationships |
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June 28, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My son (13) is giving me problems and causing conflict in my new marriage. He treats my second husband like dirt and back chats us and blames us when he is at fault. He has reassured me that he loves my new husband but can’t help or prevent what he says. My son says that he knows what he says to us is wrong but he can’t stop himself. I don’t think it has anything to do with his father. We’ve been divorced for eleven years. My son doesn’t see, or want to see, his dad at all. His dad doesn’t contact him so it is not that he wants us to get back together. The constant bickering is driving me insane. I don’t know what to do anymore. I?m at a point were I will pack my bags and leave. Both of them know how I feel as I’ve spoken to the separately and together. Please do you have any advice for me? I’m desperate.” (Letter edited)
Rod replies: Your son’s behavior deserves professional attention. Please seek face-to-face help for the whole family so each of you might have the opportunity to speak your mind in the presence of a trained professional.
Posted in Children, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Marriage |
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June 24, 2007
by Rod Smith
Sometimes, for whatever reason, the atmosphere in a family (business, school, church) can become tense, even threatening. When deceit is tolerated, necessary conflicts are avoided, and when people are regarded as possessions, rather than as separate, unique, and valued people, the accompanying stresses can give rise to aggressive and passive-aggressive behaviors of avoidance and sabotage. At best, under such circumstances, life can feel like a tiring game of hide and seek. Alleviate some of the intensity (given there is no infidelity or gross misbehaviors occurring) by:
1. Talking about the matters that are the most difficult to talk about. Let the strongest person, the one who is most aware of the need to clear the air, call attention to the need to talk about the very fact that matters are difficult to discuss.
2. Talking about your own behavior and not about the behavior of others.
3. Taking responsibility for your part in the difficulties.
4. Being willing to live with a degree of helpful compromise.
5. Forgiving others without requiring others to beg for forgiveness.
(posted in Taiwan)
Posted in Anxiety, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, High maintenance relationships, Therapeutic Process |
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June 18, 2007
by Rod Smith
“I feel lost. My husband and I have been married for 4 years. Everything was great. Good sex life, good communication, and we have an 11-month-old baby. I am three months pregnant. I went to visit my parents for 10 days and came back and my husband told me he thought of me as only a friend. I am shocked. I never saw it coming. He says he doesn’t want to be with any other women in a serious relationship again. He says I did nothing wrong. I am 24. I built my whole life around him. I am very depressed. My mom wants me to take the baby to stay with her. I am hoping therapy will help him but it may not make him love me again. I just want to kiss him and hug him and tell him I love him. I don’t know what to do. I am so depressed.” (cut for space)
This is a relationship worth fighting for. The children need their dad and you need your husband. The man needs a short course in growing up and living up to with the commitments he has already made. I trust he will read this and face his family and be the man he is called to be. Love is not ONLY a feeling, and sometimes you have to do the hard work of love for the feelings to return.
Posted in Difficult Relationships, Divorce |
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June 11, 2007
by Rod Smith
My children and I are off this morining to the South Pacific and Asia – where I am engaged in several speaking assignments.
Please be patient. It might be a day or two before I can post again.
Editors: I have already sent the whole week of columns off to your copy editors.
It is my policy NOT to place the column on the web until it has appeared in “hard copy” on newsstands.
Rod Smith
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
1 Comment »
June 7, 2007
by Rod Smith
“Since I have stopped communications with two of my friends via telephone, ‘sms’ and visiting to their homes the relationships have ceased. Prior to this I highlighted that if I did not contact them, they’d not communicate with me. They would not bother sending me an sms checking to see if I was doing okay. Their excuse was always distance and airtime, yet, when they needed a loan or something, distance did not stop them coming to my home. One of my friends began communicating with my partner, little chitchats, and not once did I see a message from her asking how I was doing. Am I just a friend to them when they need something? Am I being petty or is what i am feeling true?” (Edited slightly)
Rod replies: The relationships are not reciprocal and you feel used. The details might be petty but the feelings are real. Remain calm and tell both friends exactly what you see and feel. You may have to resign yourself to enjoy one-sided friendships, or find more responsive friends. Resist reading your partners chitchats with others. It’s not a good idea. Then, if you want someone to know how you are, tell him or her, rather than wait to be asked. The former is healthy. The latter is a manipulative ploy.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
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June 6, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My second marriage did not withstand the pressures of blending a family. I recommend professional family counseling for all who try. The divorce rate amongst couples with children from previous marriages outpaces the horrendous rate of first time marriages.
“My stepson viewed me as the enemy. I represented the deathblow to his fantasy that somehow his parents would reconcile. Children very often feel as if the divorce was their fault, and, as irrational as that may be, it is what they feel. It’s important step-parents understand that the child is projecting all of the rage, fear, and heartbreak outwardly towards the new scapegoat.
“Many parents feel guilty about their divorces, and so have unhealthy boundaries with their children. They overcompensate, or do not expect enough. This creates fuel for a fire that is going to rage anyway. Anyone who has raised teenagers understands that this may be one of the most challenging times in the family life.
“As difficult as it may be to hear, blending families rarely works. If one has the option I would suggest separate living arrangements. It doesn’t mean that the relationship can’t continue, but I would remove myself from the dynamics of the parent/child/ex-spouse and regain a sense of self and peace.” (Edited for space)
Posted in Adolescence, Blended families, Difficult Relationships, Parenting/Children, Past relationships, Stepfather, Stepmother |
3 Comments »
May 23, 2007
by Rod Smith
1. It is frequently difficult to tell who, if anyone, is running the show.
2. There is a lot of noise and laughter.
3. The children sometimes form a healthy alliance against the parents, and the children often get their way.
4. There are frequent conflicts.
5. Differences are embraced, even encouraged.
6. Healthy families generate a degree of chaos almost everywhere they go. It takes a lot of energy to get the family to do anything together, as a group, because everyone is so busy with “outside-the-family” activities.
7. While such families intend differently, they are seldom on time for anything. They change their minds at the last moment and do something quite unexpected.
8. Roles and rules are not set in stone. Negotiation skills are highly valued.
9. Hurtful words and actions are avoided but quickly repaired when necessary.
10. The parents have a life together that frequently excludes the children.
Posted in Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Living together, Love, Teenagers, Voice |
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