The Mercury / Thursday

Angry people often blame circumstances for their rage when it is circumstances trigger what’s already within.

I was second in line at a cellular phone outlet. The customer ahead of me began viciously screaming at the salesman. When encouraged to calm down he pointed at the salesman as if he himself was powerless over his own angry response. The man apparently sincerely believes his angry outbursts are the responsibility of others.

In backed up traffic I saw a vivid illustration: On my left a man was pounding his fists, waving his arms, and some poor soul was getting the thrust of his anger over the phone. To my right the driver was apparently listening to something really funny and the traffic hadn’t gotten to her at all.

It would be easy to suggest the man was in a hurry and the woman was not.

Actually, the one is angry, and the other is not.

The traffic is the catalyst.

Few angry people seem to understand that anger and happiness and joy and forgiveness and resentment and generosity are all inside jobs.

It’s a tough lesson for those prone to rage, but, when a willing learner understands it and does something about it, it brings huge changes and relief to a person and usually to an entire family.

The Mercury / Thursday

We are a fragile bunch, we humans. I’ve seen it a hundred times in you and in me. A mere look from someone we love can render us broken-hearted and upset us for an entire day or until we find resolution.

We are a resilient bunch, we humans. I’ve seen it vastly more than I’ve seen our shared fragility. We know how to love, to forgive, and to give again and again. We know how to mine the best in others, even those who have not treated us very well. I’ve stood in wonder dozens of times by the resilience I have seen in people facing hard times.

We are a tenacious species. I’ve taken myself by surprise at my ability to get what I need and what I want for my sons and for myself despite considerable resistance from those who’d prefer me not to. Like you, I go at it, wanting nothing more or less than what is good and right for my family and for others in the firm belief that in all situations we can all win.

We are funny.

Born for family and born to thrive in community, and yet acting so often as if it’s the last thing we want.

Get out of the middle of relationships (issues, concerns) that do not directly involve you. Your spouse’s relationship with your parents (your husband’s relationship with your son) does not involve you. It is close, it impacts you, but you are not part of it or responsible for it. Being “piggy-in-the-middle” is not much fun for piggy.

Resist speaking for others, explaining people to each other or being “communication central.” Allow people to speak for themselves and to each other without your help. Retrench yourself from being the family switchboard.

Extricate yourself from unnecessary binds (inappropriate loyalties) by refusing to harbor secrets and gossip even with your best of friends.

Move beyond blame by taking full responsibility for every aspect of your life. While you may have had a lousy childhood you are now an adult who, despite the many failings of your nurturers, has an opportunity to embrace life to the full.

Forgive everyone for everything because it’s a whole lot easier than accumulating grudges and safer than hosting bitter poison.

Show up, stand up, speak up for yourself – it’s really good practice and an excellent deterrent of abusive, controlling types. They will run a mile when they see what you are made of.

Arrange your inner-life (emotions, attitude) before your plan your daily schedule (your outer-life).

“You are as healthy as your secrets” goes a common adage in talk therapy circles.

Our dark secrets: these are the secrets that shift us into shame-mode, haunt our memories, needle our rest at three in the morning, and bind and silence us, keep us enslaved to their dark powers. These secrets debilitate us, silence us, make us captives, make us suspicious of others, and make us edgy in the presence where exposure threatens.

Our dark secrets can drive us into parallel behaviors that mimic the events that initiated the secrets in the first place.

These are the secrets worth exposing to a professional that their powers may be broken and the holder of secrets may be set free.

Our healthy secrets (yes, there are healthy secrets): the knowledge of shared and powerful intimacy, the knowledge and the trust of mutual promises made between equal partners, the pleasures found in a revisiting exhilarating and treasured memories, empower us.

These secrets free us, amplify our strengths and, as a result, we spill health into our families and upon all whom we meet.

These are secrets amplify any goodness within us and are worthy of being hidden in our hearts for they do no damage.

Fundamentals about human relationships:

• Every interpersonal overreaction, poor attitude, expression of anger will have an equal and opposite reaction if it comes from a desire to control, manipulate, or maneuver another, no matter how much love there is purported to be. People are designed for freedom and attempts to restrict it will ultimately stir rebellion (it may take years) within the victim.  
• The person who most wants whatever from another person (insert a desire: time, extended conversations, sex, a beach walk, loan, a long chat over coffee) places the potential giver in a position of power. This is part of the reason pleading and begging is so unattractive.
• The stronger, more mature person of any two people in a relationship will be the one who seeks forgiveness and reconciliation when a relationship is derailed. While the focus is who is right or wrong and who need to apologize first and who started whatever, the people are not ready for reconciliation.
• Mutual attraction is about matched levels of maturity or immaturity. People of dissimilar levels of maturity will hardly notice each other. Equally needy people will attract each other like powerful magnets and the attraction will feel like a match made in heaven – at least at first.  

Some things are simply up to you (and to me)…

• How open and available you are to new experiences, adventures, and meeting new people
• How generous and kind and forgiving you are to others (and to yourself) under every circumstance
• How much you communicate with your aged parents and how much time you generously and freely offer them
• How much you interact or communicate with your brothers or sisters or other relatives
• How you treat your in-laws
• How much you respect and show that respect to all people and especially those who are outside of your chosen circle of relationships
• How you use the power afforded you or the illusion of power afforded to you
• How much you will allow friends and associates to know you and participate in your life
• How angry or reactive you are when you are faced with the poor driving or less than perfect service or when you are overlooked or ignored
• How much you will allow prejudice and stereotypes to shape your attitudes and behaviors

I will remind my treasured readers that I am my own first audience and everything I write pertains first to me. We are in this wonderful adventure of life together.

Healthy and unhealthy attraction – more than meets the eye….

When you are emotionally strong, determined to achieve declared personal goals, and are looking for healthy adventure – you will attract people who are similarly strong and motivated.

This is enough incentive to get your act together, as much as it is possible, before you launch into seeking a life-partner.

Healthy people attract healthy people. Healthy people are less likely to play relationship games. Healthy people don’t make relationships into win or lose contests.

If you are emotionally vulnerable, lacking in direction, seeking a savior or someone to rescue you from your woes – you will attract someone who needs a person just like you. Of course, when he or she comes along, it will feel like a match made in heaven.

Unhealthy people attract equally unhealthy people. Hurt people attract hurt people. Committed victims (those who use a shattered past for sympathy or gain), those who wallow in their wounds, tend to enter new relationships with old and familiar patterns. A relationship that seems to offer great hope will usually quickly descend into games of possession, control, and manipulation.

Attraction is about far more than what meets the eye, far more than skin deep. Health calls to health. Ambition calls to ambition.

Sadly, unresolved issues and traumas find great comfort, albeit temporary, in those who’ve known equal relationship trauma – and little is as attractive for some, than to have someone to rescue or someone willing to try.

Who and what you will BE each day is vastly more important that what you will DO each day. So, plan. Decide, first thing in the morning, on your emotional state. Strategize about planning HOW and WHO you will be and therefore you will also be planning who you won’t be. When you have decided HOW you will be, planning what you will DO during the day will probably go a lot easier.

Here’s a portion of yesterday’s column:

Kindness, patience, happiness, hospitality, the willingness and ability to forgive others and afford others the room to be imperfect are inside jobs. They are states you establish within your heart (soul, spirit, mind) and then choose to have as a platform that informs the manner you will respond to life and others.

You can: 

• plan to be in charge of yourself and not of others
• plan to NOT let the behavior (or misbehavior) of others derail you
• plan to be the most generous, kind, and forgiving, person you know
• plan to allow others their imperfections and not let them upset you  

Will things always go to plan? Probably not. At least if you have a plan you increase the chances of enjoying a fruitful day free of victim-thinking and victim-living.  

Some mornings when I retrieve my son from his 6am basketball training I stop Jack’s Donuts for a tiger bun ($1.09 each).

Last week a middle aged man stood and the door and screamed into the busy shop, (yes, people line up for donuts at 6:10am).

“Who drives the blue Toyota?”

A customer nearing the front of the line raised a hand.

“Well how do you think I am going to get into my car when you park so close?”

My quotation omits his harsh, angry language, and fails to impart the bitter contempt in his voice.

This is on a dark and cold morning in a donut shop!  

Kindness, patience, happiness, hospitality, the willingness and ability to forgive others and afford others the room and space to be imperfect – are inside jobs. By “inside jobs” I mean that they are states or places you establish within your own heart (spirit, consciousness, soul) and then choose to have as a platform that forms and informs the manner you will respond to the world around you.

I guess the angry man at the donut shop has quite a life. I bet he’d try to convince any one who challenged his outbursts that it all really was someone else’s fault.

Relationships can set tone and trajectory for a lifetime. Almost all significant relationships, especially romantic relationships, will face moments that require a decision and the decision becomes a defining moment in the life of the relationship. While such opportunities for defining moments are usually delivered in conflictual situations, some couples are able to make them quite proactively. Either way, each person must decide to walk away or toward and be willing to face the consequences of the decision.

When to walk away, sometimes for a while, sometimes forever:

• Where there has been violence of any kind or degree.
• Where there has been betrayal and infidelity – sexual or financial.
• Where there’s an addiction (and they usually come in pairs) where your staying is enabling or facilitating the addictive cycle.

When to walk toward and try again:

• Where your feelings of fear and abandonment are familiar to you and have persisted within you in preceding relationships and now they are surfacing again.
• Where there’s been genuine and visible change and it’s been for reasons other than trying to make you stay.
• Where rash or impetuous decisions have caused you great pain and resulted in much regret in the past and you’d prefer to not repeat the pattern.