Involuntary emotional primal reactions for self protection of fight, flight, freeze, fawn serve people well under limited circumstances like wars or violence or physical invasions. These reactions, designed to self-protect, are usually unhelpful if they leak into or invade our day-to-day relationships. 

When faced with an enemy, a threat, a danger (real or perceived) humans will react to protect. The reaction evoked will require no thinking, it will be immediate and one of or a combination of:

Fight – eliminate the threat. 

Flight – flee the threat, get away. 

Freeze – be immobilized by the threat. 

Fawn – give excessive attention to the threat to seek approval, therefore escape.

Humans are somewhat complicated and what was intended for survival can get in the way of “thrival” (to thrive – this is my word, I just made it up) if “on the inside” we are fighting, fleeing, freezing, fawning, when there is no threat and self-protection is is unnecessary. The child whose environment demands all four to survive – they usually and necessarily travel in packs – may have a tough time escaping these primal reactions when they are no longer necessary. When involuntary emotional reactions are “habitual” or the default for children, it’s easy to see how it is that the adults who emerge may be difficult to reach and to know.   

Adam, Bob, and Charlie are friends who work together. 

When Adam gets anxious, he focuses on colleague Bob, who according to Adam, is hard to work with. 

Adam asks Charlie for a private conversation. This gives Charlie a good feeling. He feels important, included. He really is one of the guys! 

When they meet Adam commiserates, even seeks prayer for what to do about Bob. Charlie feels helpful because he gives Adam the chance to get things off his chest – and we all need that. 

Adam feels very good about it too. He  says “God sent you, Charlie” and Charlie feels pleased that God is finally “using him.” 

One problem (of several) is Adam wants Charlie on Adam’s side. If Charlie plays along and allows Adam to use him to avoid talking to Bob, Charlie will see that Adam has shown little or no respect to his colleagues.    

It may take a while for Adam and Charlie to learn that nothing will change between Adam and Bob until Adam and Bob talk to each other about each other. Charlie, in the meantime may start noticing just how difficult Bob really is, even though it had not crossed his mind before. While he may have not had quite the welcome from Adam, Adam, Bob, and Charlie would have been a tad better off had Charlie suggested Adam talk to Bob rather than talk about him.

Mental and emotional health is seldom all or nothing. 

Functioning can be high or low and many places in between. Like physical health, it can vary, even day-to-day. Few people are on top of their game every day, month in and month out. 

There is a rhythm to fitness, mental and physical. 

There are days I feel up and days I feel down.

This does not make me unstable. 

It makes me human. 

But, if, when I am up and my ups are disturbing to others and costly to myself and my family, even dangerous, then my ups may indeed indicate something deeper and I am probably in need of professional help. 

When I am down it may be time to rest or time for a change of diet or change of pace. 

The fix may be known and easy.

But, if I am so down that I cannot get myself out of bed and get myself to work for days or even weeks at a time and my employment is threatened, it certainly suggests it is time for me to seek help.

It’s all about levels of functioning. Mental health issues are only an issue when they disturb functioning, cost us our relationships, or lead to destructive behaviors.

Welcome to the continuum.

Every interpersonal overreaction, poor attitude, expression of anger will have an equal and opposite reaction. This will be most intensely known with people closest to you. If you have a desire to control, manipulate, or maneuver another person, no matter how much love there is purported to be, people will fight back. People are designed for freedom and attempts to restrict it will ultimately stir rebellion (it may take years) within the victim.

The person who most wants whatever from another person (insert a desire: time, extended conversations, sex, a beach walk, loan, a long chat over coffee) places the potential giver in a position of power. This is part of the reason pleading and begging is so unattractive.

The stronger, more mature person of any relationship will be the one who seeks forgiveness and reconciliation when a relationship is derailed. While the focus is who is right or wrong and who needs to apologize first and who started whatever, the people are not ready for reconciliation.

Mutual attraction is about matched levels of maturity and immaturity. People of dissimilar levels of maturity will hardly notice each other. Equally needy people will attract each other like powerful magnets and the attraction will feel like a match made in heaven – at least at first.  

Some forms of anxiety are helpful and life-saving. 

It’s why we use seatbelts, stop at redlights, read warning labels on medicines and avoid poisons. It is why we obey signs that say “Don’t Feed The Monkeys” and “Watch Out For Snakes.” “Soft” anxiety can be the emotional glue that keeps things going if we are aware of it or not. 

It keeps you and me safe and aware and alive. 

Anxiety can be acute or situational or “time-limited.” 

This is when we deal with the threat – real or perceived – and our anxiety is immediately reduced. 

If a truck is speeding toward you or me, anxiety will spike and we jump out of the way (we have an involuntary reaction). The truck misses us and our levels of anxiety return to “normal” and we go on our way. 

Acute anxiety keeps us safe and aware and alive. 

Anxiety can also be chronic. 

This is when we worry about having nothing to worry about. It’s the slow-cooking back-drop of worry about finance or health or the future. It is when we worry about our adult or young children or about another World War. 

It’s chronic anxiety that can give rise to symptomatic behavior and lead to physical ill health. Chronic anxiety drowns thinking, distorts perception, messes with our hearing and can be completely debilitating.

People with chronic anxiety would do well to seek professional help.  

You might not be able to move mountains, but you can move part of one for someone, even if it is handful of rocks and stones and a shovel or two of hindrances. 

Might not be able to turn water into wine, but you can offer sustaining food and beverage to someone who is in desperate need of recognition and who also may be hungry.

You cannot raise the dead but you can bring enthusiasm and enliven someone’s day with your call, your card, your good wishes, your loving thoughts expressed directly to him or her. 

You probably cannot restore hearing to the deaf or sight to the blind, but you are able to listen even to the most desperate attempt to communicate with you, and you are able to see the person who might never have been truly seen.

You may not feel overly empowered to make a significant difference in your immediate environment, but you can forgive those who have hurt you and set free those whom you believe may owe you something, and makes a huge difference in their lives.

You’re probably not set up to bring peace to conflicting world powers but you are capable of living in peace with your neighbors.

It’s no secret that many men avoid deeper intimacy with other men. I suggest it would be helpful for men to form intentional support “MWE groups” or “Men Without Egos.”

While “WWW” for “Women Without Walls” is not original, I did come up with MWE.

Here are some guidelines to establish such a group:

1. Meet for a decided period of time, say monthly for 10 months, and for two hours. Begin by phoning and inviting 9 or 10 men you already somewhat know. This act makes you the facilitator.

2. Try to create a group that is diverse with age, race, and belief. I’d suggest every group have at least two members who are from different generations in the same family.

3. You may not discuss your career, achievements, sport, or politics.

4. Read a book together and talk about it for at least 15 minutes of each meeting. I’d suggest you begin with David Scharch’s Passionate Marriage which will challenge every aspect of every relationship you have.

5. Laugh a lot, cry sometimes, listen more than you talk, and call each other between meetings, and never discuss someone not present (not even your wife).