More on Brakes and Boundaries….

by Rod Smith

Order through link on the right

Order through link on the right

Yesterday I wrote about sound and healthy boundaries and the need to have a good sense of when to “apply the brakes” in a relationship. In an attempt to win a person, to find some sense of security in a relationship, many men and women abandon themselves and give their all, without clearly seeing the other person has little or even no desire to be reciprocal. It is NOT a relationship if ONE person is doing all the work. I’d suggest you need a brake alignment, or a complete new set of brakes, if….

1. You are giving your trust, forgiveness, and respect to a relationship and there’s little or nothing of the same coming back to you.
2. You buy gifts, send cards, and are always on the lookout for what a particular person needs or wants, and yet you get little or nothing back.
3. You will readily volunteer your services and time, reschedule your own plans, and try to move heaven and earth for someone, but you get little or nothing back.
4. You work hard to keep a particular relationship going and the other person appears not to work at it at all.
5. You are emotionally involved at a deep level with someone who may well be totally unaware of your growing obsession.

2 Comments to “More on Brakes and Boundaries….”

  1. So we know why to brake and what symptoms suggest we should brake, but when do we brake most effectively ?

    I would suggest the journey of maturing relationships have many natural opportunities to brake (decision points):

    1. To date or not ? (Are you mutually attracted ?)
    2. To date exclusively or not ? (Are you processing lives ups and downs with each other ?)
    3. To get engaged or not ? (Are you able to process the ups and downs you bring to each others lives ?)
    4. To live together or not (Are you mutually bound by shared virtues ?)
    5. To share finances or not (Are you mutually bound by shared values ?)
    6. To get married or not (Are you mutually bound by shared commitment ?)
    7. To have children or not ? (Are you mutually bound by a strong enough commitment to live your shared virtues and values ?)
    8. To raise children together or not ? (Are you mutually bound by a strong enough commitment to defend against the tyranny of your own childs constant needs ?)

    Remember, substituting silence and hope in place of mutually agreed expectation (foresight) or emotional tyranny and accusations in place of mutually agreed learning (hindsight) should be left to children.

    Although 50% of marriages end in divorce and many of the remainder end in pragmatic detente, they only do so because someone forget to use the brakes thus facilitating the head long rush to mutual dissatisfaction.

    If you both continue to get your needs met through all those natural decision points, then you deserve to live long and prosper … together.

    No-one said it would be easy, but interestingly no-one denies it will be worth it !

    Have hope for all your relationships in 2009 … just make sure they operate at a level supported by a foundation of shared virtues and values enforced by unilateral good communication and boundaries.

  2. Great suggestions! It is good to take off the rose colored glasses and assess the relationship and understand what is happening and what needs to happen to make it work or to make a decision to move on.

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