What would be a “radical” shift?

by Rod Smith

“Regarding abusive behavior you write: ‘Resist using reason with the perpetrator of such behavior – you will not, using reason, convince a perpetrator to stop abusive behavior. The only way to stop it is to radically shift your response to it. While you cooperate with what you do not want the behavior will not cease.’ So how is one supposed to ‘radically shift’ their response to an abuser? The abuser in my household is my youngest son (21). He often treats both my husband and me very badly, he shouts and snaps at us, or does not speak to us. I don’t know how to deal with it. I’m going through menopause right now and often I’m very emotional. His behavior can put me in tears. It’s all weighing heavily on me.”

Now that he is an adult, perhaps it is time for him to move out. He can then continue his unpleasant behavior with whomever he chooses to live. I wonder how long other people will tolerate his behavior? You, having completed his parenting, are not compelled to accommodate someone who treats you poorly. Many 21-year-olds live independently of their parents’ home and do so with great success. This, dear reader, would constitute a “radical shift” on your part.

One Comment to “What would be a “radical” shift?”

  1. I was married for 20 years and over time learned not to push the buttons. When your responded to by why don’t you just get out everytime you approached a subjuct you where not happy about in the marriage, or just completely ignored, I just stopped approaching. The way to stay happy and at peace was to not let anything bother me and little things that were important did not matter anymore. Down to the basics. My kids were all healthy and I had enough money for food. Until one day when I had to speak up and the response was No one is taking my house from me so I am burning it down. 911-bipolar diagnosis, protective order, medicine and therapy and back home. After a year stopped medicine. Time marches on and now your 6th grader did not do his homework like dad said. Come home to I spanked John. Talked to mom who lived with us and she was crying said she begged Tom to stop. John’s bottom completely bruised with stick marks up his back. Child protective services – can’t find for or against abuse. Denied protective order because of cps findings. Marriage ove get help or get out. Wake up call never going backto that life. I am allowed to say what I am unhappy about. 2 Years of the best marriage we had ever had. He got help. Then the behavior started agian. 13 year old daughter turned to very destructive behavior over night. Took it out on John in various ways. The toe touched the line and I was done. We had a business together and he was pleasluring himself on my business computer while our garden center looked like hell and we had just had another child (long story 5 kids) I could not keep up with the weeds etc. and had worked so hard at building our business (18 years) this was a huge insult to me=no respect for me what so ever. I got my own job and this fueled behavior of new porportions. Divorce I tried to get custody but he got joint and believe it or not final say. The court evaluator thought he walked on water and I was not convincing. I found out later that she has retired and some of her decisions in other cases were questioned and over turned. The police could not help because I was not hurt bad enough and your husband is allowed to kick down doors in his own house when you have locked him out of your room for saftey and privacy. (Another long story) Police can’t help, CPS didn’t help, His therapist didn’t help (seemed to think Tom walked on water), Court evaluators can’t help, Lawyers get well paid and 2 of my kid live with me full time because they are old enough to chose to and the other 3 are on a 50/50 schedule and I can not do anything about it. We are divoced now and I have never felt such a lack of stress in my whole life like I do now. I love my job and my kids have adjusted well. Your article discribed my husband to a “T’ “Bounderies are good for both parties in a relationship.” The paragraph of why he behaves the way he does regarding to the way his parents treated him. I will wait and hope Tom gets help otherwise I guess when the other 3 children have had enough, they can come live full time with me too.

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