My son died and I promised to be at his side……. Now I am filled with guilt….. |

My son died and I promised to be at his side……. Now I am filled with guilt…..

by Rod Smith

Reader: My adult son died 9 years ago. I had promised to stay at his side. The day he died, we had a lovely day, chatting, laughing at things on TV, and just being quiet. By evening I was so exhausted that I told him I was going home and would see him in the morning. The nurse phoned later and said things weren’t too good and that I should come. I raced to him to find that he had already passed away. I’ve been tormented with guilt ever since. I’ve tried to let go, reminding myself that we had a wonderful relationship and that he would forgive me, but I still feel I let him down badly. I feel that I was being selfish by choosing to go home instead of staying. (Letter edited)

Rod’s Reply: First: Write your son a letter updating him on all that has transpired over the past 9 years.

Second: Read the letter to a group of people who also loved him.

Third: I challenge you to allow your anguish to end. If 9 years are not enough, how many years do you need to beat yourself up about wanting rest?

The highest tribute you could pay his shortened life would be to live your own as fully as possible.

Posted on May 1, 2007 at 6:46 pm in Forgiveness, Grace, Grief, Parenting/Children, Recovery | RSS feed | Reply | Trackback URL

18 Comments to “My son died and I promised to be at his side……. Now I am filled with guilt…..”

tobeme
May 4, 2007 at 2:50 pm

True words! You must begin to live in the present and let go of the past.

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Valria
May 15, 2007 at 2:16 am

Having witnessed far too much loss in my life, my guess is your son was able to let go, knowing you loved him and you shared a great day and relationship. Maybe he passed when you were home sleeping to spare you the pain of watching him die. Let go of your guilt, forgive yourself, your son has. Honor his memory without guilt.

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Evan Cole
August 20, 2007 at 5:52 pm

If you cna loved and be loved and you can be happy and make others happy…you are forgiven.

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Gabriell
December 25, 2007 at 2:49 pm

My daughter died in April of this year. I was with her. I was holding her hand, but she did not die until I fell asleep. I was told once by Dr.Bernie Seigle that loves ones usually pass when you leave the room or fall asleep.

I have guilt for sleeping instead of staying awake, but I was so tired.

There is nothing I could have done to save her, she was going to die with or without me and I am learning that it was her moment, not our moment. She was not alone, with or without me she was not alone.

It happened like it should have.

I am letting go of the guilt by remembering what a good relatioship we had, how close we were and how well I cared for her while she was dying.

The rest was hers.

It think your son left when it was time for him to go.

Being a grieving mother is the worst think a woman will ever have to be. There is so much to let go of and it seems that there is nothing that can replace what has been lost.

We only have ourselves, and we have to care for ourselves like we cared for our children. It is what they would do for us.

Gabriell

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Yvette
July 1, 2008 at 10:55 pm

My son passed on November 29, 2007 at the age of 20.

He was born with Down’s Syndrome and a congenital heart defect. He had 2 heart surgeries and a stroke all before his 2nd birthday…and for a while he thrived. He was always happy and had a terrific sense of humor. Because of the stroke, he was never able to verbalize very well. We had our own form of communicating.

But this last time he went into the hospital it was different. He couldn’t seem to communicate with me at all and when I left one afternoon for a break (my husband stayed) they lost my son for about 15-20 minutes. They were able to bring him back, but he never opened his eyes or spoke any words.I prayed for strength. My brother and sisters came to the hospital and I informed them that I had signed dnr orders. And then I spoke to my son and let him know that mommy is a big girl now and if he’s too tired to stay then I understand why he must leave. The next day as they were preparing him for dialysis, his heart stopped beating again.

Would he have stayed if I had asked? Did he think I was pushing him away? He was my son, my friend, my heart and my angel. I am so empty without him. I need a purpose to continue…I’m still young (41) and I don’t want to spend the next 40 years feeling guilty

Yvette

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Denise
July 16, 2008 at 10:33 am

My husband went to have surgery at the hospital (surgery was successfull), was in CCU for 10 days, and before his surgeries I had promised him that I wouldn’t leave him. But I went home at night to rest, preparing to come back the next day and be with him again. I told him that I’d see him the next day, but I too got that nurse’s call to come–a blood clot had taken him before I could get there. They brought him back twice, but they couldn’t do it the third time. I too am full of guilt for not being there like I’d promised. But maybe it would’ve been TOO terrible to be there and watch while they fought to get him back. I don’t know, but I DO know that I’ll always wish I’d been there—I’d promised. How do I know that he doesn’t think I lied to him, that I abandoned him? I never got to say goodbye–I mean, REALLY say goodbye. I don’t think I would’ve left if I’d known it would be his last night with us. Telling someone to “let go” sounds easy, but exactly how does one “let go”? It’s only been 6 months, so maybe I’m not expected to do that yet, but eventually I’ll have to do that. I really don’t know how to forgive myself–or him for leaving either.

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janet erambert
August 28, 2008 at 10:23 pm

i don’t know what to say i lost my son when he was 24 y/o it has been almost 10 years ago and i am still searching i had costody of his children for 3 years only 1 of them swas actually his but they alll 3 get suvivors benifits from him dyiny now i am giving them back to their mother but whay i am so overwhelmed someone please help jfk62256@yahoo.;com i misss him………..

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Exrn
October 23, 2008 at 1:37 pm

Please, please don’t beat yourself up because you weren’t there. I am a former nurse who has seen many patients pass away, and one thing I truly believe is that to some extent, the dying person chooses the moment when they pass away. Quite often they wait until all their family has left the room or gone home for the night. Even if they’re only left alone for three minutes, those are the three minutes when they die. I don’t know for sure, of course, but I’ve always had the feeling that they do this to spare their loved ones the pain of seeing them pass away and allow their family to remember them as they were in life. So perhaps your son’s dying in your absence was an act of love on his part. It’s obvious that he loved you, and although I never knew him, I don’t think he would want you to spend the rest of your life focusing on one moment – that of his death – to the exclusion of all the other moments of his life in which he accomplished wondrous things and touched countless people. Please, be gentle with yourself. You did nothing wrong. You are human, and human beings have breaking points. You can’t be faulted for acknowledging that you had reached yours – exhaustion – and that you needed some rest. Death is unpredictable, and you can’t be blamed for not knowing it was about to happen. Forgive yourself. I’m sure your son would say the same if he could.

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amanda
May 17, 2009 at 7:40 pm

I have not lost a child or a husband, but an uncle and a cousin. Two people who were very very close to me. My cousin died in a car accident from drinking and driving. This is still very raw as it was in August 08. My uncle died April 10 09 of cancer. I believe that we all choose our time to go. He waited till him mom had kissed his head and left the room and it was just my uncle and me. I sat down and played guitar and sang to him while I watched his chest stop. It was very hard, and still is, but I know he was sparing his mama from that and was waiting for me to play for him. It hurts, and will probably always hurt. I feel guilt because I was there and his mom and sons weren’t but that is the way it was supposed to be. Anyway, I just wanted to write my story in hopes that it will help you to know that that they all go when they are ready and when it is right for them. Be strong and always know that they love you just as you love them and they would never want you to feel guilt. If the roles were reversed would you want them to feel that way?

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John
August 5, 2009 at 12:07 am

I must admit that the only remedy for this is practicing Buddhism. It teaches about letting go and unneeded guilt; read some Buddhist books and practice meditation, I can assure you that you will feel so much better.

My metta (Buddhist prayers) go to you and to your beloved son who is now surely at peace.

p.s: you don’t have to be a Buddhist, you can just practice the Buddha’s teachings.

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Daisy
August 13, 2009 at 2:27 am

My beloved 32 son died suddenly this June 28th while in another country on a business trip. He relapsed and died of a drug overdose. I simply want him back. As his mother, I am devastated to the core of my being. Period. John, you may be well intentioned (or not) but your simplistic claims that practicing Buddhism ‘is the only remedy’ is offensive in the extreme. I was in agony waiting for my son’s body to be returned from England and in desperation called a local Tibetan Buddhist monastery (founded by the Dali Lama) and asked that a candle be lit and prayers be said for my son’s soul. A candle was lit (maybe) and someone supposedly said prayers for 5 days. The bill was $175. Most religions offer instruction in prayer and meditation; Buddhism is not for everyone. For me, it’s a cold-blooded and life avoidant practice, and offers little to no comfort. Take your proselytizing elsewhere please. It’s offensive to grieving parents.

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Robert McCarty
August 30, 2009 at 6:16 pm

Hi, I lost my 14 year old son in my arms. I have also lost my mom and dad. I’m not that old though. call me and I will try to cheer u up. 818=406=2166

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Robert McCarty
August 30, 2009 at 6:20 pm

Hi again, I am really depressed about my son’s death. I thnk I am going to kill myself. No one cares at all. That’s the sad part…..

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Robert McCarty
August 30, 2009 at 6:22 pm

I hope someone will hear me. Losing a child is so bad that you just want to die!

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Robert McCarty
August 30, 2009 at 6:26 pm

sorry, bye

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- Audrey
  September 10, 2009 at 6:41 am
  
  Hello Robert,
  I’d first like to say that you really are not alone, there are lots of us out here that have lost a child. You din’t say how long ago you lost your son, I guess not so long ago.
  My son died on the 23rd July 2008 and my world died with him.
  It is a pain that nobody should have to suffer and noone who hasn’t lost a child has any idea how you feel. On the other hand you wouldn’t want them to.
  The first few months for me are a blur, I was just existing not living. Now, more than a year later I can say it doesn’t “get better”it changes, you get used to it.
  I don’t know where you are in the world but try to find a forum on the net for parents that have lost a child. I found one here in holland (in dutch I’m afraid) about 7 months after my son died and it really helps to talk to people who are also dealing with the loss of their children. It is amazing to read your thoughts and feelings written by some stranger! You can say anything to them and they don’t think you are going mad! I also had some grief counselling, that also helps, it’s worth trying anything isn’t it?
  I don’t know what more I can say,
  I wish you well,
  Audrey
  
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anne
September 1, 2009 at 7:24 am

Dear Robert I really feel for you and your pain , it looks as if you have found yourself in a really bad moment where it seems like nobody cares out there . I know the feeling since I have a chrnoic illness for years and it feels like that from time to time . Sometimes it looks like I do not even care about myself either any more. The good news is that emotions come and go and although the sadness about your loss will stay with you for the rest of your life , the emotions will come and go from time to time and you might find yourself suddenly feeling a bit better within a few days , suddenly you will think a new thought,discover the new meaning , have a reasonably ok day … We all have our cross on our backs and trust me I am not the only one out there who can feel your pain – but sometimes it seems that way. I know that you will come out of this soon , maybe not completely but at least enough to keep going with some sort of peace within yourself … and I wish you all the best , after so many things that you had in your life and that were not pleasant you sure deserve some happiness now , I am sure it will find you sooner that expected , just hang in there ! Anne

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Dee
June 6, 2011 at 6:56 pm

I lost a child 25 yrs ago and suddenly it like it happened last week, she battled congential heart disease for 6 yrsoneo. I have numbed myself with having 2 more children and then over the years alcohol and drugs. Just to coast by and numb my feeling, No one really new my abuse was so bad they all just joked that I liked to drink. I was/am somewhat still a functioning individual, I know how to bring home a paycheck and pay my bills buy my kids the things they needed. Made it all look good. I still make things look good, but now I dont want to live I feel that I raised my children and its time for me to be with my little girl.
My daughter passed away in my arms. I watch the heart monitor until 4;35am in the morning. It slowed through the night. I watched her suffer for 9 weeks. The things that happened to her body are undescribable, I kept telling her its going to be ok… just hang on,(I lied) she was the most precious little girl and would never hurt a fly. But in that ICU she hated me. She was on a ventalator she was in pain, the doctor made up contractions to keep her liver functioning, I watch them be proud of themselvesfor this invention, as my daughter was dying, suffering. Her heart stopped the had to use the defribulator I have horrible memories of her tiny body bouncing up from the table. Theres so much more but I have to stop.
Thank you for letting me get that out. I’m at a point in life that I feel very lost I dont want to live.

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