He’s lost all interest in sex….. |

He’s lost all interest in sex…..

by Rod Smith

“Please help me! I’m so confused, hurt, depressed and sick to my stomach. My husband and I just had this emotional break down. I cried. He cried. For months I have been trying to get him to tell me what was wrong. We haven’t been making love like we used to. We were all over eachother. We have been married for four years and have a 4 year old daughter. I expected some decline in our sex but not this much. I would talk to him and he would say he was tired and would try harder. He never did. This went on for a good couple of months. Until just this morning we were talking. He broke down in tears. He finally said, ‘You don’t turn me on anymore.’ UGH! Dagger in my heart and my ego. He doesn’t want a divorce. He still loves me with all his heart but how do we stay together and exist together if I don’t turn him on?” (Letter shortened)

Divorce? This is no reason for a divorce. You have a daughter and many years ahead of you to work this out. Methinks you are too close. Some space between you (not separation) would do you both some good.

Posted on February 2, 2007 at 8:19 am in Attraction, Boundaries, Divorce, Re-marriage, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility, Spousal abuse, Trust, Victims, Voice | RSS feed | Reply | Trackback URL

38 Comments to “He’s lost all interest in sex…..”

tobeme
February 2, 2007 at 11:21 am

I agree with Rod, this is not a reason for divorce. I think it is important to distinguish sex and intimacy. One does not have to have sex to be intimate. I think the larger question here is are you and your husband intimate in other ways or is there a lack of any kind of intimacy in your relationship?
Put aside the sex for the moment and focus on other ways to create intimacy in your relationship. Being intimate in other ways may re-spark your sex life over time. This will take paitence.

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Manny
February 2, 2007 at 3:02 pm

Does anyone ever wonder that maybe she needs sex in her life. Some of us need that intimacy that sex brings. I understand all the talk about other forms of intimacy, but sometimes when you wipe everything away you just need sex to make you feel alive and wanted. Being married you should get that from your significant other.

It is as if she didn’t cook her husband would complain that he’s not eating.

I went through this and tried all the talking and counseling, but in the end i wanted what she didn’t.

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Sandy Hild
February 4, 2007 at 3:31 am

We have not had sex for 2 years. He was on nightwork for 3 and1/2 years which did not help. He got off nightwork and startee working side jobs with his day job so I hardly ever see him last week he said he thinks he doesn’t love me anymore we have been together 12 an 1/2 years.He rfuses to talk about anything just says he won’t talk and I have to deal withit

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naturalhigh
February 4, 2007 at 6:53 pm

This sounds like an example of being able to have hot sex when there is less intimacy. Sometimes knowing someone, and trusting them, is a turn off sometimes. The same chemicals that we experience when we encounter danger are released in the body when we are aroused sexually.

There are several ways around this problem- for her, work on being a bit scarier! Have a few adventures, like dancing or mountainbiking and come home with that endorphin glow. Flirt a bit. Tease.

For him- try something from the fantasies you imagine. When you are turned off, it isn’t necessarily her fault. You could be relying on her to bring on all the fun rather than making that your gig as well.

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hopeful
February 12, 2007 at 4:33 pm

When people love each other, they do things for each other. Sometimes it’s a sacrifice, and sometimes the trying comes before the wanting. Agreeing with Manny and Naturalhigh.

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Cell Phone Search
April 11, 2007 at 12:26 pm

He may just not be having sex with you. And it may not be that he’s not attracted to you, but rather has someone else he’s more attracted to. You may want to look around for suspicious numbers and try to find out if he’s talking to someone else frequently. That’s always a big clue in the infidelity investigation.

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Merrell
October 25, 2007 at 9:45 am

These situations here are so dishardening, im sorry for you. You can’t make a person have sex, just like you can’t make a person talk, but i’ve notice as many of you do that if love is the conquering attribute in a relationship, sex comes naturally unless youre a good ways past the prime of years & after that you see more of sweet intimacy in a long lasting loving, sexual, balanced relationship. We should live our lives for the interest for our better half, he lives to appease her, she lives to appease him that way noone is neglected, this is a beautiful way of living & if both live this way, both will be happy. Focus on ways to make him (or her )happy, then it will all be boomeranged back to you. Now if all you can think about is what you don’t have & he or see picks up on this that will only distract the attention where it needs to be, which is building up. build the muscles of the relationship. Im going to tell you a little something about a butterfly…. you know that while a butterfly is in its cocoon during metamorphisis its growing, changing. Well it gets to the point that when its time to comeout it must do it on its own, you should never help it by removing the cocoon, it will die.
Why, because during the removal of its self from the cocoon it uses its wings to push, this builds its wings, forces the fuel for flight in them….. the point im getting at is this, sex it always the final completion of the expression of love in all relationships thats why having sex should always been done as the finality of entering a relationship, it seals it. so never fix comunication problems & etc… with sex (build the wings before taking flight……. isn’t the flight of a butterfly beautiful, sure you say) your relationship will be too, just build up to the sex. Be more considered, more loving, more enthusiastic, more industrious, less depressing, less fault finding, more for giving, not neglecting the things around the home… build your wings, best done if done together, but if you have to start setting the example for him, do it if you love him. Hopefully if he (she) loves you (s)he will follow. Consider your relationship in a future positive light, but now in a metamorphisis…. hope this helped!!
take care, merrell

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I know how you feel...
November 13, 2007 at 9:53 pm

I’m sorry but yet relieved to hear that I am not the only one who is going through something like this. I haven’t even been married for one year and I am a 24 year old woman,my husband is 26. We now (since we have gotten married) have sex on average perhaps 2 times a month sometimes less. I can not even begin to explain the range of feelings I have had over this. I feel rejected every day, I feel ugly, I feel unloved and I’m sure that you feel the same way. I have discussed this with several of my male friends and they can only come to the conclusion that he is gay and may be trying to hide it by having married a woman. My husband and I do not fight and he is a sweet man I love him, but this is not how I want to live my life. I have gone from a strong confident woman to a shy and introverted moody teenager because I feel like there is something wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with me or you and I hope you know that. You can not change this between you and your husband and niether can I. The bond has been broken. Leave, take what life you have and live it!

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Kim
November 15, 2007 at 10:16 am

I agree with cell phone search. The crying sounds that of guilt. I would start looking. I am sorry that this has happened to you. It is a very sad situation for you. There is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU, it is your husband that has the problem.

For “I know how you feel” you are also in a tough situation and I do feel sorry for you both. You both are better than the men you are with. Live your own life, don’t base your lives around them. Go and enjoy the things that you like to do, go out shopping with friends or whatever you like to do. That will help you keep your mind off the negativity at home and you will probably soon realize that there is a whole other world out there!

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Angie
December 7, 2007 at 11:29 am

I know how you feel , My fiance’ and i have been together since 2004 we met moved in together a year later, sex was awesome in the beginning, we never argued . we were best friends. now its almost 4 years later and we only have sex when he wants it which is not very often. no mater what i do he refuses to touch me. i ask him if i repulse him he says no, he loves me and wants me , i know i turn him on because he teases me , he will touch me and kiss me and do things that turn me on but he still wont act on it. he says he doesn’t want to get tired of making love to me. he doesn’t want to get bored and calls me a phene or nympho. wanting sex once or twice a week is doesn’t make me a nympho. at least i don’t think it does. I know how you feel im not giving up hope so don’t you either.

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Tim
January 2, 2008 at 6:31 pm

This is coming from someone who’s about 6 months away from his 25th wedding anniversary. I apologize in advance for the long response.

First of all, this is the kind of issue that can be extraordinarily complicated. We (humans) bring a lot of stuff to the table when we develop emotional and physical intimacy, and some of that “stuff” doesn’t make itself visible until we’re well down the road.

Here are a few observations, both to the original post, and to some of the follow-up comments:

There are many, many reasons for someone to lose interest in physical intimacy (regardless of the potential partner). Some of these are physiological, and some are psychological. Erectile dysfunction and hormone imbalance are some of the more well-known physiological reasons. Performance anxiety and excessive stress are a couple of the well-known psychological reasons, but there are many others, such as childhood trauma. (I have several friends who are adult victims of child sexual abuse, and those experiences often created intimacy issues for them as adults.)

Moving on from such broad intimacy issues are situations where someone still has an interest in sex, but not necessarily with their current partner. For the sake of discussion, I’ll assume this applies in the cases above.

As someone else has pointed out, there may be infidelity involved when you’re not attracted to your partner, but I would be cautious about jumping to that conclusion too quickly. (By the way, I would disagree with someone who says “this is his problem” or “this is her problem.” If you’re married, the problem belongs to both of you, even if there is infidelity involved. Rather than looking for someone to blame, it’s more productive to see if there’s a path toward resolving what has become a problem for both.)

What happens outside of the bedroom? Are there unresolved issues in the kitchen (or living room, or dining room, or garage) that are playing themselves out in bed? If someone is getting on your last nerve with a particular behavior, it might be difficult to look past this and suddenly find them attractive (even if the lights are out).

One change that most couples can’t ignore is the sudden presence of children, but this affects different couples different ways. Some new mothers find themselves too worn out with caring for a small child (especially if they’re working outside the home) to find the energy for intimacy. On the other hand, some men, feeling “jilted” by the sudden introduction of someone else who has a very intimate relationship with their partner, are so overwhelmed with jealousy that they lose interest.

Another change that brings complexity is a sudden change in employment. Men who are suddenly unemployed or under-employed will feel guilt over not living up to society’s expectations for them to be a provider for the family (particularly if financial needs from children have changed the budget without a corresponding increase in income). Likewise, many men are emotionally ill-equipped to handle making less money than the woman they’re involved with, which sometimes becomes a stress point even if there’s enough income to handle expenses (i.e. the man isn’t the one making the larger portion of income, so his ego takes a hit).

Sadly (and this is particularly true where men lose interest in their partner), we may lose interest for the superficial changes in our partner’s appearance. This is a problem for many men who are suddenly confronted with the physical changes that their partner goes through post-childbirth. Making matters worse is that nature isn’t equally kind to all mothers, handing some a body shape that (for whatever reason) the father finds unattractive, but allowing other women to give birth and return to basically the same physique they had before.

(You’ll note that I’m ignoring here the “Did you just let yourself go?” question because of the chauvinist overtones. Besides, this is just as true for men as it may be for women.)

This leads us to the internet. Great as it may be for many things, the internet has become a significant problem for a large percentage of the male population with respect to the easy availability of pornography. (This seems to be more of an issue for men than women, probably related to male receptiveness to visual stimulus). Along with easy access to porn has been an altered perception about fantasy and reality.

As a result, there are many men who have developed an unrealistic view of a “normal woman” in terms of appearance. If guys were honest about it, they are tickled to death that women still value non-physique attributes as highly as they do, or most of us wouldn’t have a chance at any intimacy at all. You can even see this played out on sitcoms, where my wife noted the number of fashion-model-thin wives married to overweight (but funny) husbands.

Now, presuming that both of you feel “there is a problem” (and by that I mean that something in your relationship isn’t satisfactory for one or both of you), things can usually be resolved, but it may take time. In such cases, it may be good to sit down and “lay everything on the table.” This type of situation sometimes calls for a professional to assist, but if there’s still good emotional communication going on, that may not be necessary. The real question is whether or not both partners are committed to finding resolution, and not just placing blame.

On the other hand, if one of you perceives that there is a problem and the other one doesn’t, then you definitely should consider contacting someone with professional experience in marriage/relationship counseling. A divorce or breakup is in no way “on the horizon,” but this is the kind of problem that does not (generally) go away by itself. If you ignore it, things will only get worse.

Ultimately, dramatic differences in sex drive pop up in just about every sexually intimate relationship. While there’s no easy answer for all situations, the differences can be resolved if both partners are truly interested in doing so.

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Maria
January 6, 2008 at 5:47 pm

I am in my early 20’s and am having a similar problem. I live with my boyfriend and I love him so muh. I know he loves me too and this is by far the longest relationship he has had with anyone. He has sadly lost interest in having sex with me. This has nearly split us up so many times but it is so hard to give up on something which is brilliant because of one bad thing. However this one bad thing effects me very much, I have all the same negative emotions of the other women here. It is so difficult to understand and all of the above comment were noted. But what if both you and your partner accept there is a problem but you both love each other and dont want to split up? I have spoken to my boyfriend so many times about it and he is honest and knows there is a problem. He says it frustrates him and that he still finds me sexy and attractive and it is not down to anyone else. He doesnt understand himself what the problem is. Before we were together he had never really had a meaningful relationship it was just one night stands 2 week relationships and a great deal of cheating and he wonders if he is this way because he has never only been with one person before and has never really loved anyone before.
Another issue which is very difficult to tackle is that he suffered systematic sexual abuse as a child by a family member. He talks about the details very little as it still hurts him so much. The abuse led to him becoming an alcoholic and he has now been dry for sometime. I have supported him through this and I know he has done this for us because it was ruining our relationship. He is also curerently underemployed and I know he finds this hard as I am doing well.

I would really appreciate your comments. How do we fix it, how do you go about doing that, thats the question I cant find an answer to.

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HoplessRomantic
January 8, 2008 at 4:18 pm

I have a similar problem and I don’t know what to do. I’m 17, but I feel like 29. I have a girlfriend who’s 16 and our relationship is great. She’s also mature for her age. I love her so much and she really loves me a lot. We’re best friends, companions, and lovers. The thing is that our sexual life is depressing. She won’t kiss me for two minutes straight and I’m not exaggerating. I even used a stop watch and it got to 30 seconds and she said it felt like a lot longer. I feel so unattractive and unwanted. I am so extremely eager to please her I do everything to make her happy, but she wont sacrifice anything for me. We’ve had sex a few times but she never liked it. I am dying to make love with her she just doesn’t want to. It’s not even sex, she had no desire to please me. Even if we can’t have intercourse I would like to still make things work with other sexual acts. I’m crying constantly on the inside. The sad thing is that she is the most amazing girl period. I could never want anyone else and I wish I could live forever just so I could spend more time with her. But I can’t go on forever without any sexual activity. I am a very sexual person and I’d even go down on her for hours because I love it, yet she doesn’t want that. It kills me to bare this, yet I would kill myself if I couldn’t be with her. I don’t know what to do..

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Compassion
January 14, 2008 at 11:35 pm

Sounds like this guy definitely has another interest and he is being true to her but is staying with you because of the kid. You can shake him and wake him but don’t lie to yourself any longer. This is not a weakness, but a failure on his part, if you know what I mean.

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george
January 26, 2008 at 4:55 pm

ive been married for two years and eversince then i started loosing the intrest of having sex with my wife, please whas going on?

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ashleigh
March 27, 2008 at 10:51 pm

i feel sympathy for you as i am in a situation almost identical to yours. I feel as though i am tortured. He dosent want to divorce but wants me to stay in a relationship that has no intimacy. occasionally he’ll use me to gratify his own needs and yet easily dimiss my needs threatens violence to anyone to whom i would turn to for comfort. We have two children and have only been married 5 years i often question my own morals is my marriage worth the sacrafice of my need for closeness. I feel used. and I find i am hating him. more each passing day

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Colie
May 24, 2008 at 1:00 am

Okay, so I thought I was crazy so I feel both saddened and relieved at the same time. My fiancé and I have been together for 5 years and like every relationship, it has its difficulties. I have tried talking to him about whatever is going on with him but he insists that things are fine but they do not feel fine. Something has dramatically changed in just a few months. Previously he was telling me how much he wanted me and loved different things about me and now if he says “luvs” I’m lucky. It just seems like chore to tell me he loves me and to give me any type of affection just puts him out. Everything feels different and I hate it. We are to be married in September and now I am wondering if he is getting cold feet and just can’t say anything? I feel sick, I have knots in my stomach all the time. I fear that what we had has faded. I know love is not just feelings but the feeling like he loves me definitely helps. I know love is about commitment and I know my commitment level, I am just starting to wonder about his. However if I ever bring it up he gets offended and just gets mad. He says he loves me and nothing has changed, but something has. I try not to be suspicious and wonder if there is someone else but I can’t help but feel like there is something. I don’t think he would cheat on me or anything like that don’t get me wrong with that. We just don’t have a typical situation, we don’t live together, my daughter lives with me and my fiancé and I get together on the weekends. He currently is in law enforcement and is in the middle of trying to change jobs which I know has him stressed. Lately though…He seems to be getting more short and snippy and less and less happy with everything. I miss the man I fell in love with, the guy who just loved me. I wish I knew what has changed, what is turning his head or even his heart. It is not easy when you have a child together, a history and a life. I wish I just understood where he was coming from and wish he would stop telling me “nothing” is wrong.

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Lizzz
May 28, 2008 at 4:47 pm

Well I’m in a kind of similar boat as some of you have talked about, my husband I love him he’s the one and only man I have been with sexually so I don’t think that helps and him me but our problem is, we had Daughter in December of ’05 he started to have a lack of sex life while I was pregnant which I could kind of understand kind of because I mean I did look different big and round. Well after we had our daughter our sex life has gone WAY south he said seeing me give birth was gross, and I think of it as beautiful but he insists that it’s just wrong and not natural really and I think that changed him seeing me give life to our daughter, which hurts so much because I think it beautiful and wonderful but at the same time it seem to have stolen me being seen as a women to my husband, It’s been 2 and half year of rare sex encounters that are very brief now as well, my husband seem to have become a very short lover. And I have brought it up and like other say it just frustrates him and he says he’ll be better which it bee 2 years and nothing. I am again pregnant and am growing more and more scared of this baby coming do to that fact that I believe it will drive my husband further from me and make me even less of a women. I just don’t know what to do, I mean it cause fights constantly because I feel very alone and un-want so so much, I want to be touch like I’m still alive to him not just here. All the sex we do have I feel I beg for because I the one always trying so hard to start it. I feel like so lost as I feel like my marriage will end in much the same way my parents did when I was 2 as my dad lost interest is my mother after she had my brother and I, or am I doomed to repeat that history with my choose in my husband. Ok crying to much and it just hurt to much, Thanks.

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Tim
May 30, 2008 at 12:38 am

(Rod, if you feel me responding here is inappropriate, feel free to delete my response.)

Lizzz,

There are a whole range of responses that men have to women being pregnant and giving birth. Difficult though it is for me to understand, I’m aware that a significant number of men find pregnant women to be unusually attractive, even to the point of becoming fantasy objects. Likewise, some men see mothers as more attractive than non-mothers, possibly because of personality traits that seem to come to the forefront in a woman after she has a child.

At the other end of the spectrum are men like your husband, who feel that pregnancy and motherhood somehow diminish a woman’s femininity and sexuality. It’s easy to suggest that his view is wrong or short-sighted, but that doesn’t help anyone in this situation. To me, this sounds like a great time to engage a professional marriage counselor.

While it’s possible that this might cause your husband to see you in a different light, it may also bring to the forefront emotional issues that your husband is dealing with, but unable to talk freely with you about. In my case, seeing the birth of my oldest son caused me to feel a huge sense of responsibility that i was completely unprepared for. This may not be the case with your husband, but such things are always a possibility.

Regardless, if you can sit down with a third party who has professional credentials, he or she may be able to help both of you discover things that have become factors in your change in relationship. If cost is an issue (and when I was a new father, it most definitely was), look into counseling options subsidized (in part or in whole) through a local church or synagogue.

One last thing: Your husband’s response to you may feel like something that defines you as a woman, but it doesn’t. You remain a person of worth and value, regardless of anyone else’s actions. Your husband’s response being strong does not make you “more of a woman,” and his lack of response does not make you less of one. The role of mother need not diminish the role of wife, any more than becoming a father keeps me from being a husband. Yes, your body changes with childbirth, but I would suggest that your husband has changed (and will continue to change) just as much between his ears.

Becoming parents changes us. We can fight this, and refuse to accept it, or we can be the master of our path and define the role instead of allowing it to define us. My best wishes for you, your husband, and your children. – Tim

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Ms Sugu
July 7, 2008 at 7:36 am

We both married at the age of 38 now we are early 40’s. We had good relationship currently how sex life is very dull. Sometimes during intercourse he would turn away. Currently i have no interest and i have been doing the same. Now for more than 3 months we don’t have anything with him. Does this mean that we are not able to have intamacy with both of us anymore. But he is gaining weight. For myself i have been doing regular treadmill. Pls reply

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Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
July 7, 2008 at 8:00 am

Dear Ms. Sugu:

This matter is not about weigh! Here is a three point plan – remember that what goes on between your sheets begins between your ears — and I’d suggest you implement all three points simultaneously:
1. Find an objective trusted friend who will listen to every detail from each of you at the same time. While a professional is better, a solid, and trusted friend could do it.
2. Read David Schnarch’s Passionate Marriage – it will get you talking and thinking in new ways.
3. Get a little emotional distance from each other – people can be too close, too together, which creates the suffocation of all love and desire.

Rod Smith

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Nancy
August 12, 2008 at 10:22 pm

My fiance and I are facing similar problems. The first six months we were together we “slept together” almost every night. I thought that was too much, but it didn’t bother me. It seems as if over the past two years his interest has diminished almost completely. We are very loving, and are perhaps too close. Last year I started to get very worried about the situation and I would bring it up, but recently, I have just given up. I don’t want to pressure him. Truthfully, I am guilty of not feeling like it as well, but it seems to me that a couple should have sex at least once a month. I am surprised that now he doesn’t seemed motivated to do it even that much. I just wonder how many people have relationships like this. I don’t think anything is wrong with our relationship other than this lack of sex….and he doesn’t seem bothered with it at all. Is this more common than we think? If it is, then, maybe all of us shouldn’t be so worried about it. Maybe it’s our worrying about it that is causing most of the problems.
Are there any men out there that can shed some light on this?

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Ana
August 20, 2008 at 9:37 pm

I am 29 and my husband is 31. We have been married for almost five years now. Sex was great the first year, but the frequency steadily declined. For the past two years, I feel lucky if we have sex twice a month.

I am certain he is not cheating. But he is not talking about this either, and avoids the subject every time. I know he feels embarassed deep down, but at the same time resigned that this is how he reacts to me.

What has eased the pain somewhat is that virtually all of my friends report the same problem. I feel I am not alone but also I wander what’s going on with our men??? I am schocked to discover that they loose interest in sex! How is that possible, it used to be that sex was all they talked about?!

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Rae Dawn
August 23, 2008 at 2:48 pm

There is a problem here and it isn’t the lack of sex. The lack of sex is a symptom of a larger issue. Your husband is no longer physically attracted to YOU and he feels guilty about it. HIs guilt may be what is making him tell you he doesn’t want a divorce. Believe it or not, it is not uncommon for partners to lose sexual/romantic/physical interest and even develop a serious aversion. Please, don’t stoop to spying on him. First, if you have any trust in your relationship you should be able to discuss your problems openly. Second, if there is any trust and he finds out you’re spying, you will lose that trust once he finds out you’ve been snooping. Accept what he has said and either move on by getting a divorce or by living in a sexless marriage. You cannot force someone to be physically attracted to you and often once those feelings go they never come back.

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Sjoerd Timmers
January 6, 2009 at 10:42 am

Sry for the long text.

This is an interessting discussion worth reading it. I searched a lot for something like this. In my relationship there is a simular problem. Maybe interessting for some women here, that I can discribe the ‘man side’ of this phenomena.
I’m in a relation with my girlfirend for three years. Now staying at a point where we think about moving together.v The last month I realized that I somehow started to lose my physical attraction to her. Something is wrong. I also started to get attracted by other girls, but, gratefuly, never used apearing oportunites. Something got wrong. I’m convinced it is a got relation, we help each other, can speak about almost everything (yeah, exept this, my guilt, will try it soon). The point is, when I imagine myself beeing in a marriage, maybe even had a child with her, like in the above described situations, I would also stay with my wife, for sure. I would not speak about it and feeling guilty. Why I’d reject to speak about it: The point is very clear, If you say to yoru wife, that she’s no longer attractive, the relation would really become bad, resulting that she does not love the husband, maybe even hate him, after a time of beeing sad and mad, and then the relation breaks. I’m not in a marriage, have no child with her, but still.
I feel like beeing in a situation where I cannot move into any direction. I do not wonna break, cause I know it’s a good relation. Each time I hear something is wrong from my girlfriend I promise to make it beter andthat everything will be fine again. But in fact things never change. It’s over a year by now. Only few occassion to have sex, sometimes only because I fell guilty for her.

Maybe it’s appears in every relationship. But what to do about it. It seem the problems here lies at the men’s side. Ok, ture. So we men must do something, but what? The only way out I see, would be break up and search another girl I fell attracted towards. Then after some years break up with the same problem? Maybe it’s possible to pick somebody you really love and where you are sure you’ll never lose sexual interesst (but how to know that?).

I think the best thing is to start a discussion! You’ll see what result you get. Possible that the relationship breaks. But beter that, then another three, four, five years in a dying relationship, feeling mad, guilty and unhapy.

Further it appeard to me, that my understanding of this problem grew a lot better while I read this posts here. Maybe some men will have to read this too!

Don’t blame us men, we wish to find you woman attractiv, but the fact is stronger. We’re stuck into the situation with the felling we cannot move anywhere, maybe you women can help us get out of it. Therefore I take a step and ask my parter.

I wish everybody in such a situation succes.

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karen
January 8, 2009 at 11:48 am

i am 57 and my husband is 64; so, i think he is just too old or medication has affected his libido. it is still painful and depressing to not be desired and not to have sex.

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lori
January 10, 2009 at 12:57 pm

i am 42 my husbands almost 45 we have been haveing so many finacial problems were in forclosure and we both havent worked in the last month,we have grown children and are youngest is 15 anyways 5 kids all together we have been married 19 years and we are so mean to each other we talk about divorce all the time lately we cant even talk with out fighting he has always been controlling in are marrage about how much money to spend how to do pretty much anything and when ever i choose to make a descion for myself he puts me down he also says i talk to much to him or i repeat myself to much he has just been so angry and mean to me anymore and nice to everyone else so we fight and i try to stick up for myself so im always accusing him lately of haveing an affair or of something cause it just dont feel right anymore at all because the way he treats me i know we need counsiling but i dont know if i should just go file for a divorce because everything he says to me im really sad and scared and confused i used to never stick up for myself with him but im just stressed to the max that i look stressed i kinda dont care about my looks as much as i used to cause im so deppressed thanks desperate for answers

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bill
January 27, 2009 at 1:12 pm

Hello all,
I’d like to suggest that if sex was once good, and if health reasons have been ruled out, the nature of the relationship has changed. Loving, engaged, conscious, and communicative spouses have no problem tolerating a few extra pounds or desire across the years.

If a woman is clueless about why a man is no longer interested in sex – and if the man is not cheating – it seems that the man has chosen not to express dissatisfaction in the marriage. In many of those cases, I think it’s because the man is either afraid to try to express himself because he thinks it will fall on deaf ears, or because he tried before and got nowhere.

So the relationship deteriorates. Lack of interest in sex is a symptom.

If a man feels nagged, unappreciated, and unheard — then the person who makes him feel that way isn’t someone with whom he wants to have sex.

Women have so much power to change things, by and large. That isn’t to say that some men are just selfish jerks who were bad choices for a spouse.

But I’d propose that most men who lost interest in sex have reached helplessness in feeling under-valued and unappreciated and concluding that nothing they say or do will change that. So, withdrawl is the best option for dealing with it.

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- Sexually frustrated (but happy)
  May 14, 2011 at 2:48 pm
  
  Bill, how on earth are we meant to learn if our men won’t keep reminding us? If i tried to tell you something once, you dismissed it and then i withdrew… Then when the relationship deteriorates and I say, “sorry Bill, I did try to tell you… Remember that one time… ” you’d be understandably upset! Just because we don’t show signs of improvement the first few times doesn’t mean we’ll never coorporate. The truth is our men happen to be stubborn and whether intimate or not their withholding of sex is an immature and resentful act which may or may not be a punishment for some possible crime… Saying our men won’t have sex because they’re under appreciated and feeling nagged isn’t helpful… we’ve already said he won’t admit there’s anything wrong so what on earth are we supposed to do? I’m sorry that you’re post has infuriated me but I happen to be quite sexually frustrated. Yep I’m a bitch of a wife but I was a bitch of a fiancée before that- unlike me, he knew what he was getting himself into… (though I have to admit I love him to bits and pieces and back together again- he’s a loving, beautiful and caring husband who I’m actually very happy with.) Anyway- lots of sexually frustrated men and women cannot benefit from hearing it’s their fault but there’s still nothing they can do to fix it!
  
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duckbust1369
December 14, 2009 at 2:46 am

I found this thread by searching on the web to try and explain what I have been feeling. I’m 28 and have had a variety of relationships over the years. I was more or less a serial monogamist from 15-24 and then had a summer of being “out of my shell” and hooking up frequently when I was 25. Got back into a serious relationship for a year… and lost interest in sex pretty rapidly after getting serious. I think some of that had to do with her need to know/control things about me… but I take more responsibility in how I interpreted and dealt with that rather than actually being HER fault.

After that relationship, I spent a year REALLY upping my game and meeting girls, hooking up… and really having a lot of fun. Never being disrespectful, and always putting the cards face up on the table. About a year ago I met a girl quite a bit younger than me… freshman in college, and we hit it off great. In no time we were exclusive and have been ever since (1 year this coming feb). So for the past 3-4 months sex has been just dead… like.. really rare, and it was probably on a decline before that, but was replaced for a time by other sexual acts that aren’t intercourse.

Which brings me to today… I’ve been really thinking about it a lot the last several weeks and trying to figure out why I just don’t have interest in her anymore sexualy. I know she’s attractive, she’s HOT! … i just find myself thinking about other girls, seeing other girls out in public and having the instinct to hit on them ( which I do not ). Our relationship is great for the most part, we don’t really argue… and she is very loving an affectionate.

The only thing I can think of is that we’re different on an intellectual level, and on a self sufficiency level. I really enjoy learning new things, concepts and having conversations about the mysteries and interesting things in our world. She is not as interested. Likewise, I am very big on self sufficiency.. I solo hike, rock climb etc… she isn’t and relies on me for a lot of really basic day-to-day type of things. I am wondering if maybe the “flash” of the romance has worn off… and that she is now boring to me? I don’t know, because she still makes me laugh… or if perhaps because of her dependence on me, rather than herself, she has transitioned from a psychologically sexy being to a dependent… I don’t know.

Perhaps others on this thread can see some similarities here, and either gain insight for themselves.. or have something to add to my situation…. but for now, I’m just in a holding pattern trying to figure out why my beautiful, loving girlfriend of almost a year is less interesting to me than a moderately attractive stranger I may see in a passing car…. or at the shops….

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a guy
April 7, 2010 at 10:08 pm

well… i’ve read most of the responses … and to tell you the truth… most are not hitting the nail on the head, though some feel right at home with me. I am a guy.. married for 2 years now… early 30’s… I’ve had a few relationships before .. and I have the same problem as this woman’s husband…. I seem to have lost interest in sex. In all honesty… I want to. But for some reason I don’t… She has been trying a lot of things to help, but now she is just angry and frustrated and hurt. I feel more and more depressed with this. I don’t know what to do. I love my wife very much and it hurts to see her cry. When she comes up to me and starts kissing me I just shut down. I tell her to stop .. or I laugh it off… or I pretend I’m busy… or whatever it takes… I don’t know why. I do know I still want her… I check her out when she is not looking. Hell.. I even considered and weight it carefully to figure out if maybe I”m gay? Turns out the idea repulses me. like i said… i am trying to figure this out…. and I can’t. No matter what. In the end.. the best conclusion I have come up with is that I am after all very stressed out. I have a lot of anxiety in my life right now. I don’t know why.. but I went from being the “Alpha” male.. to being the guy that tries very hard to make sure he goes under the radar. I started to avoid confrontations… I don’t even know who I am anymore. I switched jobs recently… and it has been a very hard struggle for me… my wife has been an angel – and I seem to be getting worse and worse as months go by. I don’t have any answers… but I just wanted to post something to shine some light into “his problem”…. i don’t think he is cheating… I am not. Don’t get me wrong.. the thought crosses my mind.. but I don’t think I am capable of cheating. I don’t want to go out of my marriage. Hell.. I’m having a hard time satisfying a woman that loves me… Let alone a stranger. I am being 100% honest when I say that my wife is very attractive and fit, and sexy. I have tried to analyze this by comparing her to other women that I find sexy.. and have found that it has zero to do with that. As sexy as I find other women… I’ll be honest… for a split second I imagine her sexually… but then the intimacy kicks in… and I know “she” could never come close to what me and my wife have… . I am frustrated… and angry with myself, and I am at the end of my rope… and I think so is she. The worst part is we want kids… and just the thought of having to have sex … at this point… i am just considering going to the doctor and getting anxiety pills… maybe that will help me. Well.. that’s my 2 cents. Hope I have shed some light to your problem.

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an idea
April 7, 2010 at 10:23 pm

umm.. maybe we’ve all just watched to many damn movies and read to many books? please .. don’t think i’m just an ass for saying this… but as a guy I have had the same problem. I think that men are not meant to have the same woman for the rest of their life. I think the guys here have lost interest not because they don’t love their wives… but maybe its beacuse .. a man is genetically coded to “spread his seed”… and to hunt. Most men have lost the ability to hunt and I belive that they are not men anymore… well.. at least they don’t feel like it. They have grown attached to their women because they are in all likelihood wonderful women… but how one comic once put it – “its like eating green M&M’s… you love them.. but every once in a while it would be nice to have a red M&M.” I have a feeling I will get lashed out at for this comment… but its my opinion. I don’t know what happen but we have come closer and closer to develop our “human” traits… and walked further and further from our animal traits. Whether we choose to accept them or not – we are still very much animals. Once the comoft of society gives way – we can be very “ugly” inside. This offends most women… and scares even some men. We want to belive in fairy tales… but men and women have existed as species for at least 60,000 years… how was it decided that our current society is right with its idea of sexual desire and raising a family. Every other species on earth ( almost with the exception of a few) has multiple partners… why do we insist on this sharade that we will enjoy sex with the same person for the rest of our lives? what are your thoughts on this? anyone?

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- Anonymous
  June 10, 2010 at 9:43 am
  
  I unfortunately agree with u!!!
  
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Married bloke
July 1, 2010 at 7:37 am

Unfortunately I also agree with “an idea”. Say what you will, but this is instinct. I have to deal with it too and there are no easy answers.

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Don no
August 10, 2010 at 5:39 am

I think it has more to do with ego, than instinct. In a marriage super ego has to go, so as long as you have a “grass is greener” or overwhelming need to “conqueor new horizons”…attitude. (both of which are falsly ego feeding)….you lack the mental capicity for monogomy.

What less immature ego driven others find is ways to fulfull those needs for “success” and therefore a more mature ego satisfaction within the marriage………it can be done……however the “locus of control” must be in sync with the mission……meaning your head and heart must be driven to success and ego strokes within the marriage…..even if you have to play hide and seek……within the marriage and not allow things to get boring. There are many animals that also practice monogamy. We are also keyed for survival of the species….not just reproduction, or multiplication. Part of that species is female, in reality a very important part….so evolve mister.

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Don no
August 10, 2010 at 5:53 am

To elaborate a bit, std’s, aids,and other species killing diseases often result from “too much seed spreading”. Not to mention messed up families and other dysfunctions, to include men who are abusing women (who may not like living with a super ego driven less evolved male) and the ever increasing spouse on spouse violence resulting from one spouse not having the “instinct” to share ones partner with with rest of the world sexually. Of course there is always the possibility of some future (unknown relative) having sex with another (unknown relative) or product of “seed” cultivation and a whole race of inbred weakened species.

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Don no
August 10, 2010 at 6:09 am

Many men are shocked to find their wives having attitudes similiar to yours “an idea”. However, they (the wives, although some do) do not usually act on their “need to alieviate boredom” by bed hopping. The reason for this is their superior reasoning abilities as to just what damage can be done (see above) to the species by such random and purely selfish acts of “seed spreading”.

At the end of the day, it is an uncivilized species that operates on pure selfish and ego driven “instincts”……..not an evolved self sustaining species. Spreading seed is just a small and easily done life goal…….reaping the harvest is the more difficult part. Will your harvest be one of uninvolvement.. or one..to nurture the seed you spread for the future of the species?

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Nat
September 28, 2010 at 11:27 am

Married 43 years and 30 years without sex. Sex wasn’t great from the start, I only did it to please my wife. I have no desire for sex. I told her it was exciting but it wasn’t. Then 13 years down the road and I couldn’t perform any more. Doctor told me I had E/D and high blood pressure, also with age I developed other problems which didn’t help my libido. The little blue pill did nothing for me it actually made me sick. I could have hugged my doctor but I’m not into that. Finally free of sex and intimacy! My wife was really upset and still is. I told her to buy a puppy or find a girl or boy friend to find companion ship. I told her thats life and I can’t change that. We just live in the same house, she has the upstairs and I have the down stairs. We share nothing except the garage and laundry room..

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