Archive for October, 2006

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October 10, 2006

My daughter is caught up in “swinging” with a married couple…

by Rod Smith

Reader Writes: “My 24 year-old daughter has been dating a 37 year-old man for the past two years. The age difference is not the concern, it is the fact the man is married and has two sons. The man and his wife moved to our area a few years ago to open a ‘swingers’ service. Through an unrelated business relationship they met my daughter and, over time, apparently convinced her she could make more money ‘dancing’ jist as his wife does. Theirs is a so-called ‘open’ relationship, and I feel my daughter is being controlled by this man and his wife. She thinks she loves him but I think he is ‘pimping’ her and his wife by having them ‘dance.’ When he is around, my daughter hardly says anything and when she does she looks to him for approval or permission. How do I get her to realize the situation she is in?”

Rod Responds: You might be powerless until your daughter sees the light. Any attempt to force her – while she is under his spell – will fall on deaf ears and only cause her to cut you off completely. Gentle questions like “how is this working for you?” and “are you as fulfilled as you can possibly be?” might get her thinking some sane thoughts.

Posted in Affairs | 2 Comments »

October 8, 2006

General principles for healthier committed relationships…

by Rod Smith

In relationships:

Toxic patterns, abuse, excessive use of alcohol, lying, anger, jealousy, infidelity, to name a few, seldom improve without intervention, but will only increase in intensity, without some form of disruption. Unless toxic, or destructive patterns are addressed, they will only grow.

Self-definition, being willing to declare who and what you are, and what you want from a relationship, will be a healthy exercise even if, at first, such action seems fraught with potential to ruin a relationship. Any relationship that demands a person “tone down” who and what they are, is probably not a healthy one.

Forgiveness is not based on who is wrong or right. The stronger partner, or the one with the insight that forgiveness is necessary, is the one who takes the initiative toward forgiving. Problems arise when one partner is always expected to be the one initiating forgiveness. In this case, a relationship is lacking equality, mutuality, and respect: something deeper is amiss.

Regular sexual activity is a vital part of any marriage, well beyond childbearing years, and ought to be as important to both persons, and as central to both persons as are the mutual planning of finances, the mutual support of the children’s education and as important for a couple as regular worship at church, temple or synagogue.

Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Faith, Family, High maintenance relationships, Love, Marriage, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Trust | Leave a Comment »

October 5, 2006

He cheated for 16 months – mostly on the phone

by Rod Smith

Reader Writes: “I don’t believe my spouse had a sexual affair, but he definitely was too involved with a female coworker. I just found out that they have been talking on the phone for the past 16 months (January 05 to May 06) behind my back. They talked every morning and two and three times every night, and then on weekends. He says they are just friends and they talked about ‘work and general stuff.’ I know everyone he works with, and all his friends. I even know this woman, yet I never heard one conversation they had in those 16 months. He says I need to put it in perspective and move on. He has ended their communications and has apologized for his ‘transgression.’ So yes, I consider myself ‘cheated on.’ If she is such a friend, why isn’t this friendship shared with me and his family like every other friendship we’ve had?”

Rod Responds: Your reasoning is superb, and your question utterly valid. I hope your husband values the treasure he has in you, his wife. Any friendship consuming the time and energy you have described is most certainly not a healthy liaison. That it ever had to be secret is the largest and most glaring red flag.

Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Communication, Divorce, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Manipulation, Marriage, Past relationships, Pornography, Re-marriage, Space, Spousal abuse, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice | 2 Comments »

October 4, 2006

Difficulties with step-son: I’m leaving this….

by Rod Smith

“My seventeen-year-old stepson is not required to do any work around the house, clean his room, earn money, or go to school when he does not feel like it. He talks to his mother like (she is) a dog and gets into our private business as adults. Several times has sworn (cussed) and shouted at me with no consequences for it. I am supposed to do everything I can for him and yet he treats me with no respect at all. His mother will bend over backwards to do anything for him and I am always (made out to be) the bad guy. I am leaving this relationship.”

Rod Responds: The young man did not get to this point alone. He had at least three adults help (enable) him to become this difficult. It is likely that the viruses that came with the re-marriage (guilt, over-compensation, avoidance, lack of definition, and so forth) remained latent in the early years of the new marriage and while he was younger.

When a person is allowed to violate the boundaries of others, relational diseases grow. When ignored, relationship viruses will multiply, and relationships will reach the state described by the reader. These relationships may be irreconcilable.

Some foresight, planning and clarity, offered by the adults, might have avoided this bitter ending.

Posted in Blended families, Children, Differentiation, Divorce, Family, High maintenance relationships | 1 Comment »

October 2, 2006

How to heal a broken heart — can I get over this?

by Rod Smith

Reader: I have had a breakup with someone who was everything to me. I can hardly sleep. I think of nothing but him. I cry everyday. I don’t want to eat. I am losing weight. I am closing myself off to other people. Can a person survive such heartbreak? (Letter shortened)

Rod Replies: Writing, the very act of getting your words onto a page might be an important first step in re-discovering your life. I’d suggest you keep a journal of your gained strengths and small victories. While the journal might include details of your pain, be careful not to make it the focus of your writing.

May I suggest, as kindly as I know how, that the next time you fall in love, you have enough of a life of your own, so that you will not need to invest yourself quite so completely in another. Not even a spouse ought to be anyone’s “everything.” Making anyone “everything” creates a lot of pressure for even the healthiest of relationships.

While you might not think it to be true, a broken heart can completely heal. Even though, at this early stage of your healing you may feel like hiding from others, I’d suggest you force yourself to re-enter the world through a few trusted relationships.

Posted in Betrayal, Divorce, Love | 3 Comments »

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