Posts tagged ‘Communication’

December 28, 2014

Don’t forget the power of homeostasis when making your New Year resolutions…..

by Rod Smith

When making your New Year resolutions – whether they involve very personal matters like ridding yourself of excess weight, changes you’d like to bring to your family, or how you conduct yourself at work – consider and respect the power of homeostasis.

This is the systemic pressure for things to return to “normal”. It’s the pressure that resists change. It’s the force that wants things to go back to the way things were.

Think of the power of homeostasis as an influential undercurrent, an invisible force. It’s why losing weight in the short term is easier than keeping it off in the long term. It’s not only that you may just get slack about watching what you eat. It is more than that. Your body is reaching for, even aching for, a state it once knew.

Understanding homeostasis will help you understand why some people will leave one abusive relationship only to appear to welcome another.

It’s why the “new broom” boss was only able to change things at work for a short time.

If you can accommodate the power of homeostasis in your plans you are more likely to succeed.

Understand this pressure is real.

Embrace it, build your plans around it, and you are more likely to harness it.

Awareness is a powerful tool.

December 26, 2014

Decisions for 2015…..

by Rod Smith

What gifts will you offer yourself and others in 2015?

Here are mine…

I shall make every attempt to be clearer about what I need and what I want, knowing full well that clarity and definition on my part do not guarantee that I will get what I need and want.

I shall make every attempt to be softer and gentler with my opinions, clearer with my humor, and less terse when annoyed both in print and in person. Readers have been more gracious than I deserve in pointing out this necessity to me and my close friends have been kinder than I deserve in accommodating my strong views.

I will use my skills and my privileged platform to promote the gifts and the skills of others.

I will vet requests on my time more carefully than I have done in the past so that I may give myself more fully to the things I love and to the things about which I am passionate.

I will look for the treasure in others, treasure that is so often hidden behind tough façades.

October 1, 2008

I am too nice….. thanks for yesterday…..

by Rod Smith

I loved “Helpful starters to counter any negative conversations” (You and Me, 1/10/08). In tense situations, I let others get the better of me as I always think of an appropriate response after the moment has passed, which is so frustrating! My friends have told me that I’m too “nice” and I allow people to speak to me in the manner in which they do. I let people criticize me and can never think of a suitable timely response. But the column you published today will help me greatly. Please can you send me more stuff like this?

Some kinds of “nice” are not helpful. Helpful “nice” is when truth is directly and lovingly expressed, even if the content of your message is tough or uncomfortable. With this said, it is also helpful to know that not everything you see, think, or feel needs to be expressed in every encounter. Sometimes silence – in response to someone wishing to pick a fight – is perfectly “nice” and appropriate.

Know yourself before you assert yourself. Invest deeply in the people who are important to you and, because you hold them in high regard, take no nonsense from them.

March 17, 2008

Sex or intimacy… tough to do both….

by Rod Smith

“I am seeing a man who, after a very physically intimate time, told me he wants a break. I just wish I knew how two people could be so intimate, so close, and share everything and then just cut himself or herself off totally from that person as if they were never a part of each other’s lives.” (Letter edited)

Sounds like you are dating a person with a propensity toward sexual addictions. Such people will do almost anything for a sexual “fix,” and then, once “satisfied” will move on. Your encounters are not about love or intimacy but lust and conquest. Don’t confuse sex with intimacy. Sex (what you do with your body) is the easy part. Intimacy (what you do with your head, your will, and your heart) is one of the toughest relational challenges humans face – and almost impossible to achieve outside the safety of marriage.

March 9, 2008

Husband says I talk too much….

by Rod Smith

“It seems my husband dislikes it when I talk. He says I want to be the boss of the home. I don’t believe this is true as all I want is just a good family life, like most families. We are married for 26 years and I can count the number of times we had a good conversation. He does not listen to my conversations. I’ve stopped talking to him for two weeks. This seems to work as I’m happier now. When we do talk its not for long, as then he says I’m talking too much. What is your response? I would appreciate your comment.”

Nothing you do (or I say) is going to (a) turn your husband into an active-listening, engaged, and supportive conversationalist, or (b) modify your words, message, or the sound of your voice into something he welcomes. This does not mean you ought to stop talking!

You might want to consider communicating only bare essentials with your spouse and accumulate other outlets (clubs, church, neighbors) for everything else you want to express. In the event others begin to send you a message similar to that of your husband, then it is you and not your husband who is in need of enhanced training in the subtleties of communication.

February 24, 2008

Husband spends excessive time on facials, tummy-tucks, and the gym…

by Rod Smith

“My husband (of 6 months) was going through a divorce when we met. It concerns me that he spends so much time taking care of his skin (facials), going to the gym, and having tummy reduction treatments. I’m pleased that he looks after himself but I feel he is a bit excessive. He will go to the gym right before he goes overseas instead of choosing to spend the two hours with me. He says that he wants to look good because he’s married to a beautiful woman. I appreciate that, and I love him. I feel I am in competition with him. He also told me that he wanted to look good in his previous marriage because he wanted to meet someone to help him move out the marriage. Should I be concerned?” (Edited)

Be careful. Get between a man and his first love and you will pay the price! I’d suggest you develop a powerful interest in something worthwhile, while he, simultaneously continues to serve his apparent obsession. Focus on something other than your husband, who is doing enough of that already. At first this will drive him crazy (How dare you not join him in worship!) but it will save your sanity and might even keep you somewhat happily married.

February 17, 2008

Are you listening to what he / she is saying…..?

by Rod Smith

If you can hear the voice of a spouse of lover saying any of the following 10 points to you, I’d suggest your relationship could use some renewal.

Don’t say you love me and then…

  • Disregard (write off, refuse to consider) what I say, think, and feel.
  • Demand from me, or try to manipulate me into, sexual acts I do not want.
  • Offer me less times and energy than you give to your most casual acquaintances.
  • Refuse to initiate or participate in respectful and helpful conversations.
  • Avoid initiating mutual, regular physical, mutually desired, intimacy.
  • Hold grudges for years, bring up old issues time again, and hit me with things I thought were long forgiven and forgotten between us.
  • Abandon me (physically or emotionally) with the responsibility of rearing our children under the guise of supporting the family. I need you to support the family AND help with the children – this is what adults, who are parents, do.
  • Blind-side me with the unexpected: unpaid debts, hidden activities, unusual expenditures, and secret, inappropriate liaisons.
  • Avoid “alone” time with me.
  • Belittle me in any manner, let alone in front of our family and friends.