Archive for ‘Parenting/Children’

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March 13, 2006

For parents, teachers, and coaches

by Rod Smith

Rearing children is perhaps the arena or avenue where you, parent, coach or teacher, will make your most profound impact on the world.

Surely the strongest influence upon how we will raise our children might be the manner in which we ourselves were raised? Much can be gained from trying to remember what childhood was really like. If ignored, and if your childhood was difficult, it will color and influence everything about you, including the manner in which you treat children.

I would strongly suggest that any adult who lives or works with children periodically finds a comfortable place to be alone and undisturbed. Then, as a form of meditation, he or she reaches into the memory bank of his or her childhood to see it all again.

Can you see the world through the eyes of a child?

Can you immerse yourself and get into the experience of a child?

Can you feel, see, think, believe and trust others from the perspective of a child (as if you were still a child)?

Are you able to reach into your own childhood and capture the feeling of childlike vulnerability again?

Perhaps, you never knew such vulnerability at anytime in your life.

Posted in Anger, Education, Parenting/Children | Leave a Comment »

February 28, 2006

Shaping a child’s future

by Rod Smith

Let your child see he is capable of much good by encouraging him to be generous and kind toward others. If you, the adult, in your own life, place high value on generosity, the child growing up around you will form deep and lasting memories of your generosity and he will be empowered to seek a lifetime of giving.

Let your child see you give. Let him see you assisting in relieving the suffering of the poor, let him see you standing for justice and doing what is right.

Allow your child to see, as early as is possible, that his actions have consequences so that the world will not take him by surprise when it expects much of him. Let him see his moods can affect others, that his attitudes can be his best friends or his ardent enemies. Do this so that he will not be surprised when people expect him to take full responsibility for his life.

You, the parent, are the most powerful means of showing your child how adults behave, how the world works, how to be an effective and loving human being.

You, the parent, can do this from the earliest of days, and all without using guilt or blame.

Posted in Family, Parenting/Children, Single parenting | 1 Comment »

February 27, 2006

Should I let the school or the parents know?

by Rod Smith

My son (8) came home from school very upset about children who had turned him away from a game they were playing on the school field. He tried to join in and as far as I can tell, the older boys (10 year olds) who happen to live near (our family) sent him away. Should I make the school or their families aware of this and what do you think I should tell my son?

You will be a very busy mother if you involve yourself in everyday childhood skirmishes. Besides, what would you tell the school about the nature of children that the school doesn’t already know? Unfortunately, your son is experiencing every-day life for people of all ages.

The boy, after you have offered him appropriate comfort, has the potential under your guidance, to begin to learn valuable lessons on how life, society, and friendships work.

Rather than blame the school (or the older children) for anything, consider inviting your son to think about how he will behave when the circumstances provide him an opportunity to choose to be hospitable to others even if they are younger (older, fatter, thinner, stronger, weaker) than he is. Teach, comfort and challenge your son, rather than contact the parents of the other children or the school.

Posted in Education, Family, Parenting/Children | Leave a Comment »

February 23, 2006

The gift that made my month – a painting of my yongest son and me

by Rod Smith

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Posted in Parenting/Children | Leave a Comment »

February 8, 2006

Ex husband has introduced my children to his new woman…

by Rod Smith

My husband left me a year ago for another woman. He has introduced my children (12, 14, 15) to her. She stays the night with them at his flat every second weekend like they are one happy family. My children come home very upset. They cannot tell him they do not like this arrangement. He says they have fun with her. I know they are being nice because they are nice children and don’t know how else to treat a grown woman. What can I do?

Rod Replies: Your children are walking the tightrope of divided loyalties. Children should be encouraged to tell their parents the truth about what they see and feel, even if what they see and feel does not please the parent. This is a very difficult situation (for all of you) over and above the inherent difficulties of divorce.

Try not to talk negatively about your ex-husband or his new woman as such talk will only serve to set the children against you. If you are able, pass no comment about his living arrangements. Your children are old enough to draw their own conclusions and make their own assessments about their father and his values.

Posted in Affairs, Divorce, Parenting/Children, Single parenting | 1 Comment »

February 8, 2006

Children and being “fair”

by Rod Smith

To the point of being ridiculous my family went to painstaking lengths to be fair. I recall our seeing our parents measuring soft drinks in a glass, weighing or counting candy, and going through lengthy exercises to make everything fair. Calculating how much money was spent on each child at Christmas was an argument I clearly remember overhearing. Of course we grew up thinking life was supposed to be fair. Don’t you think that we want life to be fair and so we try to create a world within childhood where it at least seems to be fair? Should we not try to be fair to children at least so we do not inflict unnecessary pain in an already painful world? (Content of a discussion)

Rod’s response: No parent intentionally exposes children to the unfairness of life. This would be unnecessarily confusing in a world that is sufficiently confusing. But, the healthy family does not promote fairness as an absolute. In a healthy family, children know that sometimes a person might get the short, or the long, end of the stick. Win or lose, getting more of something or less of something, has nothing to do with love.

Posted in Parenting/Children, Teenagers | Leave a Comment »

February 7, 2006

Son can’t find a job….

by Rod Smith

“My son (21) graduated from a leading university with an engineering degree and is very depressed because he cannot find employment. He sits all day emailing his resume to companies but gets no replies. He says feels guilty that he can’t get a job and pay his student loan and that life has been unfair to him. He is a loner, has no friends and his interests were his studies and achieving good results. Can you please advise me on how to cope with his depression? I feel so sad for him. He has done so well with his studies and he expected that with good results it would be easier to find employment.”

Of course life is unfair! Did you not teach him this from infancy? “Poor-babying” your son will be most unhelpful. If the young man had the required temerity to land an engineering degree, he probably has what it takes to land a good job. Huddled behind a computer is clearly not working. Perhaps face-to-face cold calling will.

Your parenting responsibilities are over. The ball, like his degree, is in his court. An attitude of self-pity is most unattractive trait even in an engineer.

Posted in Parenting/Children | 1 Comment »

February 6, 2006

Watching your son play sport…

by Rod Smith

If your son plays sport at school, be sure to go to his games, but don’t embarrass him while you are there. Watch him. Applaud him, applaud his team; applaud even his opposition. But don’t try to play the game for, or through, your child.

Don’t attempt to coach or instruct the players.

Stand back and stand still.

Unless you are offering appropriate encouragement to your son and his teammates, be very quiet. Don’t scream at your child, at other players, or scold officials. Keep your voice down.

Remember it is his turn on the field, not yours.

If you are one to consume alcohol, avoid drinking before, and while watching your child play sport. An excess of alcohol makes idiots out of the best of people, and you might want to save your child the embarrassment of your public intoxication. It is never encouraging for a child to see his parent drunk, and it is tough to keep your eye on the ball when your parent is out of control on the edge of the field.

It means a lot to a boy to see a parent watching him from the sidelines. Make it a memorable experience for him, and not the kind that will make him forever cringe whenever he thinks about it.

Posted in Parenting/Children | Leave a Comment »

February 2, 2006

Enriched is the woman; man; child, who…

by Rod Smith

Woman

1. Enriched is the woman who knows she never has to participate in sexual activity that she, herself, does not want; who knows that her body is her own and private temple which she shares, even in marriage, only when it is by her own sacred and deliberate choice.

2. Enriched is the woman who does not lose herself in her marriage, or to motherhood, and in taking care of her family, but is able to develop a strong sense of self even while being a loving wife, mother and friend.

3. Enriched is the woman who does not put up with poor manners (being taken for granted, being sworn at, being victimized both verbally and physically) from anyone: not husband, children, in-laws, siblings, or her parents, but who appropriately, and sufficiently values herself and therefore does not tolerate those who do not treat her very well.

4. Enriched is the woman who lives above manipulation, domination and intimidation; whose relationships are pure and open, and within which she maintains a strong and valued voice.

Man

1. Enriched is the man who treats others with kindness beyond their deserving. He is generous with family and strangers and he seeks the highest good for all, knowing that the wisdom he exercises in his daily life positively impacts people around him. He regards faithfulness with high regard. The very thought of betraying his family by committing some moral indiscretion deeply unsettles his peace.

2. Enriched is the man who does not play “one-up” games. He applauds the success of others. He takes no delight in the hardships, losses, or pain others endure. He is more committed to being patient, kind and hardworking, than he is committed to being rich or to displaying symbols of success.

3. Enriched is the man who would rather lose at a sporting event than he would cheat in order to appear to have won. While he can be fiercely competitive and loves to win, he watches his behavior, treasuring his valued reputation.

4. Enriched is the man who can drink without becoming drunk; enjoy good humor without resorting to the ridicule of others.

5. Enriched is the man who pauses momentarily, quite regularly, in order to acknowledge his joy at being a man. He treasures his role as one who carries love, truth and kindness to all within his circle of influence.

6. Enriched is the man who can delay gratification in all areas of his life. He does not crave gratification when is is at the cost of damaging his relationships, his finances or his integrity.   

Child

1. Enriched is the child who has never seen a parent drunk, or a parent vent their anger, use profanity, drive aggressively, behave violently, or use racial slurs.

2. Enriched is the child who does not have to worry about a gambling father wasting necessary family resources, or worry that a mother might not return home after a night on the town.

3. Enriched is the child who hears parents laughing with each other both day and night, and who hears the sounds of joy and celebration expressed by his parents.

4. Enriched is the child whose family puts off the TV for weeks on end, who takes walks with his family, who cooks meals from scratch with his family.

5. Enriched is the child whose family reads novels and who sit around a table discussing what each person is reading.

6. Enriched is the child who has a peaceful home where the only bickering is about who is funniest.

7. Enriched is child who hears “I love you” from a caring, non-possessive parents whom the child knows, expect nothing in return.

8. Enriched in the child who rests peacefully each night in a warm safe bed.

Posted in Love, Marriage, Meditation, Parenting/Children, Sex matters | 2 Comments »

February 2, 2006

Reader challenges column about daughter/mom “secret” that excludes dad…

by Rod Smith

“You said (The Mercury, January 30, 2006) that a mother must tell her daughter to speak to her father about a relationship she has that the father thinks is already broken up. You said the mother was ‘in the middle’ when really I think she was being a friend to her daughter. Can a mother and daughter not have secrets with each other?”

A parent’s primary relationship is with the spouse, not with the children. The only exceptions are when a parent is violent, cruel or sexually inappropriate with a child.

It is appropriate that mothers and daughters share secrets, but helping a young daughter hide a relationship of which the father does not approve, is not sharing a secret, but participating in deceit.

The parent, if you take a close look at the dynamics, is being pulled into a giant triangle and the parent becomes trapped by the “secret.” In desiring to please her daughter, the mother stands to alienate her husband. If she is honest with her husband, she lets her daughter down. The kinds of healthy secrets mothers and daughters share do not serve to trap anyone into silence or deceit. Healthy secrets create no victims.

Talking with her father might be difficult for this young girl to do….. but it is a very necessary part of growing up.

Posted in Communication, Parenting/Children, Teenagers | Leave a Comment »

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