You frequently write “stay out of control” and I’d like to know what you mean.

Thank you for the accurate observation. I also say it to my sons almost every time we part company for any length of time. I usually include that it is not an invitation to break the law or to cause harm to anyone or anything.

It is an invitation to:

• Tell others who you are before the tell you (or decide) who you are.
• Think of yourself as a unique individual even if you are in a deeply connected and committed relationship. Losing your uniqueness, your identity, to others, or being “swallowed” by others, especially those whom you love and who say they love you, is unlikely to be helpful to anyone in the long term (or the short term for that matter).
• Think for yourself, speak for yourself, stand up for yourself, even if doing so upsets the people you are closest to.
• Pleasing others by being quiet or by falling into line or by going with the flow invites others to see and to treat you as a doormat.
• Keep in mind that we teach others how to treat us. If you accomodate or excuse bad manners or controlling tendencies you are endorsing what will probably drive you to distraction in the long term.

If you’re in conflict with anyone over anything please start here before you spread the information, seethe, engage or lawyer, or are tempted to hurt yourself or others:

• What’s my role, how come I’m in this situation?
• Where, or how was I unclear, where did I make assumptions, what did I say or not say, or hear or not hear, that got me here?
• Have I said “yes” when I meant “no” or “no” when I meant “yes”.
• Who was I trying to impress that I compromised my character during this process?
• Have I told the truth as I see it in every step of the  journey?
• Did I mishear, misinterpret, anything, because it suited me and my agenda at the time?
• Is there anything for which I need to apologize, write a cheque, or uncover some of my prideful ways and replace it with appropriate humility?
• What do I now know that I did not then know, and was this “gap” an honest oversight or does it reflect a lack of due diligence on my part?
• What do I need to do so even my adversary may emerge with dignity? What essential lessons have I learned so I may do better in the future?  

Men and women, those who hold positions in churches, schools, mission organizations, and not-for-profit organizations, regularly endure burnout. I’ve seen it paraded as somewhat of a medal of achievement.

• Burnout is not the result of hard work. Adults were designed for hard work. We thrive on it. It’s inspiring.
• Burnout is the result repeatedly doing the “wrong” work, attempting “impossible” work, it comes from doing the work others are supposed to do. It comes from the attempts at “saving others” from themselves. It comes from hauling the impossible load of trying to save face and serve ego. It comes from refusing to mind one’s own business. It comes from being cornered by impossible expectations, from assuming irrational amounts of responsibility while also being willing to have little or no authority to accomplish the task.

The right work – the possible, achievable, the work to which you are called, annointed, appointed; doing the work you love and over which you have at least some authority will not result in burnout. It will result in a sense of achievement, a renewing of the human spirit, and the kind of physical tiredness that is both holy and is replenished by well earned rest.

When I search my heart – the deep intersection of my mind, longings, regrets (profound and benign), education (formal and informal) – I see lurking temptations. They are gross and subtle, often holding hands the very best of who I am:

• There’s a temptation to be bigger than others, to outwit, to demean with subtlety. This temptation can eclipse my sincere belief that we are equal, that we all have talents and skills, and that acknowledging, appreciating, and endorsing yours never diminishes mine.
• There’s a temptation to undercut, short-circuit, play the system, to go around the process of whatever I am facing, and to want or feel like I deserve special treatment. This dark urge tries to overwhelm my sincere belief that none of us needs ever to use our power, real or perceived, to get our way.
• There’s a temptation to dominate the room, set the agenda, sway the crowd, to lead, even in situations where I have no formal or informal leadership role. This life-long battle (sometimes won, often lost) blurs my sincere appreciation of the skills and talents we all bring to every context because in those moments I am so caught up in myself.

If any of this also rings true for you please let me know.

In a more perfect world lovers and spouses would express these sentiments to each other in both word and deed…..

• I have zero need or impulse to check your phone, email, computer history, bank statements, diary, or your whereabouts. Your privacy, even with me, is as important to me as it is to you.
• I understand we both require room to move both toward and away from each other. This means there are times when one-on-one time is necessary and will take priority. I also understand that time apart is as important. When you express the need for time apart I will be neither offended or hurt and expect the same from you.
• I will never intentionally talk down or talk aggressively to you in private or public. If you ever think I am doing so tell me immediately so I may learn from you and better understand your experience of who I am and how I communicate.
• I do not expect we will always agree but I do know we can handle our differences with kindness and patience.
• I will always support and help you to spend as much time with your extended family as you want.
• I will never drink and drive or allow any of my habits to result in you or anyone we love being unsafe in any way.

By grace and grace alone:

• No matter what the circumstances, I am equipped to handle the responsibility, challenges, and  the joy that comes with parenting. I am enough for my child.
• My child is loaded with potential and sufficiently equipped for a full and meaningful life. I will respect my child’s freedom to explore his or her uniqueness and the giftedness that comes to each one of us with our humanity.
• My life is as important as my child’s life, even though if it were necessary, I’d be willing to sacrifice everything for his or her well being. Unnecessarily sacrificing myself for my child’s sake is a cop-out and serves no one, especially not my child.  
• Many people have overcome huge obstacles in the search of meaning and success and there’s no reason my child should not do the same. If, in my heart of hearts, I consider my child incapable of securing success, it is I, and not my child, who has to change.  
• The earlier I allow trusted extended family, teachers, coaches, and life to do their respective parts in shaping my child, the better things will be for both for my child and for me.
• The sooner my child understands that he or she really is “the architect” of his or her future, the better off we all will be.  

Some days a person needs double courage.

You have to face a tough audience or speak up at a difficult meeting, or address an inconsistency you see within your sphere of influence. Perhaps you have to deliver a tough message to a trusted employee or get yourself out of an intimate, complex, but uncomfortable circumstance.

These are what I call “rhino-courage days” and on such days I wear one of my several rhino ties.

If things are really challenging – on “double-courage-rhino-days” – and, to the amusement of some, I will even carry a little plush toy rhino in my pocket.

A friend calls them “paint-your-chest-blue days” with obvious allusion to the movie Braveheart. There have been times she would literally paint her chest blue before engaging in some struggles and it made her unstoppable.   

Steeling myself with playful rituals helps me engage my creative brain. It helps me to remember that I will not return evil for evil, that it is more important to be loving, kind, and assertive than it is to bully my way and be right. My playful rituals help me see the “big picture”, the larger war, rather than the nearest battle.

What do you do?

Please, let me know.

Reducing the power and the pain of separation and divorce for children…..

1. Speak no ill of your former spouse or former in-laws and friends. No matter how right you may be or how wrong everyone else may be, your children will not benefit by being trapped your unresolved conflicts.

“It’s like my dad divorced our uncles, too,” said a child recently.

2. Talk to each other as friends, not enemies.

“I wish they could just be friendly to each other,” is something children of divorce have often say.

3. Be as flexible as possible with schedules without presuming upon your former spouse about anything.

“My dad doesn’t seem to think my mom’s job is important,” reflected a young boy of divorce.

4. Pay every penny on time as decreed or decided.

“They fight over money the most,” said a divorce-weary teen.

5. Don’t pry at all, but most importantly, don’t pry through the children.

“She asks me about my weekend but she really wants to know what he’s doing,” said a teen of her mother.

6. Plan ahead as much as possible so moving between homes can be done as efficiently as possible.

“The worst part? Going between homes. Not living in ONE place,” said the 12-year-old when asked about his parents’ divorce.

I have had a ringside seat on romance lately. I recently hand-delivered a Valentine card for a man in his nineties to his Valentine in the care facility where they live and I watched my son (16) shop for 2 hours for the right card and right gift and finally spend all of $12.00. In past years when I worked in a private school I watched children write sweet cards to their classmates.

It’s the break ups I’d like to weigh in on.

The same sweet children could be rather brutal when it came to moving on and we all have at least a few horrendous stories of lousy adult breakups. If you are 11 or 19, 85 or 100 and no longer want to be dating:

• If you have to break up do it face-to-face and not via text or a third party.
• Say something and don’t just disappear.
• Don’t blame the other party or point fingers.
• Take responsibility for the reasons you want the break up and leave it at that.
• During the face-to-face showdown try to recall at least one good memory you will treasure.
• Be kind – it really is possible to end things well.
• Remember that how you break up or terminate any relationship is a window into your character – keep it clean.

The Mercury / Tuesday

The Healthy Student

• Doesn’t appear to be hiding from adults or peers – he or she is somewhat of an “open book” with a focus on the somewhat

• Shares openly with others but not necessarily easily with parents – the journey toward interdependence will often seem to exclude parents for brief periods

• Seeks out the company of others – he or she is a vibrant part of a community of peers

• Is readily included in social invitations but is not derailed if not – he or she does not over-personalize omissions or being apparently overlooked

• Is not overly sensitive but is rich in empathy – he or she is more caring for others than seeks the care of others

• Learns to be organized and sees its benefits – he or she has seen that life and its demands get more complex and requires more planning than at younger ages

• Is wide awake and ready to engage life at some time of each day – and it is not necessarily in the morning

• Has a few really close friends but is comfortable being alone – when he or she is alone the time is not spent feeling left out or excluded.