I have had a ringside seat on romance lately. I recently hand-delivered a Valentine card for a man in his nineties to his Valentine in the care facility where they live and I watched my son (16) shop for 2 hours for the right card and right gift and finally spend all of $12.00. In past years when I worked in a private school I watched children write sweet cards to their classmates.

It’s the break ups I’d like to weigh in on.

The same sweet children could be rather brutal when it came to moving on and we all have at least a few horrendous stories of lousy adult breakups. If you are 11 or 19, 85 or 100 and no longer want to be dating:

• If you have to break up do it face-to-face and not via text or a third party.
• Say something and don’t just disappear.
• Don’t blame the other party or point fingers.
• Take responsibility for the reasons you want the break up and leave it at that.
• During the face-to-face showdown try to recall at least one good memory you will treasure.
• Be kind – it really is possible to end things well.
• Remember that how you break up or terminate any relationship is a window into your character – keep it clean.

The Mercury / Tuesday

The Healthy Student

• Doesn’t appear to be hiding from adults or peers – he or she is somewhat of an “open book” with a focus on the somewhat

• Shares openly with others but not necessarily easily with parents – the journey toward interdependence will often seem to exclude parents for brief periods

• Seeks out the company of others – he or she is a vibrant part of a community of peers

• Is readily included in social invitations but is not derailed if not – he or she does not over-personalize omissions or being apparently overlooked

• Is not overly sensitive but is rich in empathy – he or she is more caring for others than seeks the care of others

• Learns to be organized and sees its benefits – he or she has seen that life and its demands get more complex and requires more planning than at younger ages

• Is wide awake and ready to engage life at some time of each day – and it is not necessarily in the morning

• Has a few really close friends but is comfortable being alone – when he or she is alone the time is not spent feeling left out or excluded.

Here are just a few of many reasons for us to fully enjoy our humanity:

• We have second, third, fifth, and seventh (and often many more) chances at almost everything. We can start over, try again, we can embrace opportunities in order to succeed where we have formerly failed.
• We have the capacity to identify beauty everywhere. No matter where we are, and no matter who we are with, there is beauty. It’s in people, all people, and in surroundings, all surroundings. It’s in the eye and the heart of the beholder and available for the person who is open to seeing and enjoying it.  
• We have the capacity to plan, dream, and imagine, and therefore we have the power to shift trends and move things into a place that is better than what we may have known in the past and be experiencing in the present. While it may be limited, we have power over our own lives.
• We have the capacity to give and to receive love, support, forgiveness, and to extend kindness to others even when it appears undeserved.
• We have the capacity to experience and express gratitude and therefore be agents of grace both to ourselves and to those around us.

The Mercury / Friday – there are many ways to say, “I love you…..”

Other ways to say I love you:

Speak to me. I am listening. Nothing will change how I feel about you. I won’t interrupt you, or finish your sentences, not even in my head. I will do everything necessary to understand your point of view. I will ask you for necessary clarification.

I want to love you more than you have ever been loved. Sharing life with you is thrilling. I am interested in (almost) everything that interests you. I want to be the most generous, most understanding person you know. I will make time for you.

The years ahead will be more exciting than the years we have already enjoyed. You give meaning to the ordinary tasks of life. I trust you. I treasure you. Let’s turn off our phones and talk for a few hours. Tell me what you need. Tell me what you want. Don’t be afraid to ask. It’s important that I understand whatever may be troubling you. I’ll support you if you want to get more education.

I love how independent you are. I know you cannot read my mind. I will work very hard at telling you what I am thinking and feeling. I am listening. Speak to me.

The Mercury, Expanded / read at your own peril

Dear Teenage and Young Adult Men:

First: It won’t surprise me if you think I have nothing to teach you. This sentiment often comes with youth. There was a time when I too knew everything. Nonetheless, I hope you will learn willingly, before life forces its necessary lessons upon you as it most surely will.

Second: I do not address you because of my successes. Rather, it is because of my failures. I write from painful experience, as one who has needed a lot of forgiveness from many people. I write because, at your age, I was unavailable for correction or learning.

Third: There are controversial points up ahead, and so if you are easily offended, stop now. Read no further. This is especially true if you are religious.

Here goes:

1. Combat deceit. Treat it like a mortal enemy. Tell the truth. Your masculinity is most clearly demonstrated when you are true to yourself and lovingly truthful to others. Being a “real” man is not measured in or how far you can kick or throw or hit a ball. A “real” man is a truthful man.

2. Find people to whom you can really talk. Look first for this in your parents. If there’s a hindrance, some blockage, that seems to prevent this, work doubly hard at removing your side of it. I know it’s not always comfortable to let a parent in on your life, but you do want to be exceptional, don’t you? Exceptional ALWAYS begins with the people closest to you. If this is impossible to achieve with a parent, get yourself “outside” mentors. Pay for this if you must. It’s worth it.

3. Chase a fine education. The harder you work NOW and the more education you get NOW, the more options you will have later in life. The less you plan NOW, the more free time you have NOW, the fewer options and the less free time you will have later – when you really need it.

4. Understand that there’s more to life than sport – watching it, playing it, and winning. If winning costs your integrity, rather lose. Scores come and go. Reputations stick. Playing sport supposedly develops character. This is hardly evident if you look at the lives of many professional athletes. Crave good character, not wealth or fame. Wealth and fame are fleeting. Integrity is not.

5. There’s more to relationships than what you can get. If you focus on what you can give, how you can serve, how you can improve yourself – as opposed to seeing how you can triumph over others, you will pave your own way to a life of deep fulfillment. No one can love and control the same person. While I am unsure this is possible, try to get rid of your jealousies before you fall in love.

6. No matter how rich or poor you are, or where ever you live there are seven major INTERNAL battles you will inevitably face – beat them (more than they beat you) and you’ll probably “win” at life. Lose repeatedly at one, even one, and life will be an uphill battle for you for a very long time:

(a) The urge to be deceitful (covered above).

(b) The urge to steal (time, money, or credit for things you did not do).

(c) The urge to use others (which of course includes pornography).

(d) The urge to use illegal substances or over-the-counter drugs (even those that help you stay up and study).

(e) The urge to spend more money than you have.

(f) The urge to blame anyone or anything for how things or you are.

(g) The urge to think life or someone “owes” you something (entitlement).

Resist these urges while you are young. Get used to them – regard them as “default struggles” since not one goes away permanently.

7. If you run in Church circles, you are going to hear a lot of veiled talk about the horrors and dangers of masturbation. The western church, it appears, is somewhat obsessed with this topic while apparently lesser matters like equity in society, world hunger, the voice of women, and human trafficking fall off the radar screen of many Western churches. Relax. You are no more capable of escaping the love of God by ANYTHING you EVER do or don’t do than you are cable of emptying the oceans of all water with a teaspoon. Anxiety and guilt over masturbation are far more damaging to your spiritual life than the act will ever be. Besides, the Will and the Love of God are Infinitely more Resilient than your natural urges. Don’t let your youth leaders guilt you into thinking you’ll ruin your future or damage the Will of God by anything you do or don’t do – it’s hogwash. Relax.

7. Engage in meaningful causes greater than your own comforts, pleasures, and security, and you’ll be amazed at how little of your time will be spent on the trash that occupies your entitled, self-obsessed peers.

Peace. May you be more available to guidance than I was at your age.

Rod Smith

I had a rather odd experience a few days ago. We were snowed in and I was somewhat caught up with my housekeeping and bookkeeping (tax-time is looming) and the laundry was all done and folded – no ironing in this house, we don’t even have an iron, and Nate (16) was in his room downstairs and Thulani (20) was at university some 60Ks away.

And, it came over me. I began to miss my sons, both of whom were very reachable. One so near I could hear his TV.

I was missing an era. I was missing times when they were both on top of me, getting in my way. I was missing their running all over the house, chasing each other. I was missing their rapid shift from fast friends to seeming enemies they had mastered and how they’d immediately make up as soon as I tried to play peacemaker.

I was missing the early years; the baby years, toddler years, and it all seemed to hit me at once, a kind of emotional jet-lag taking its toll.

Oh, I love them exactly as they are. I want them to be exactly where they are.

But something deep inside was longing for what was.

If something similar ever occurs with you, please describe it in a email.

I’d love to know.

The Mercury – Wednesday / Pitfalls of Leadership / No matter who you are or what you lead…..

• Using your role and influence for personal gain or for matters unrelated to your position as a leader. These can be as “innocent” as using your influence for premier seating on planes or thinking you’re too important to wait in lines. The minute you use your role outside of its scope you create “us and them” and you will begin to lose the heart of your constituents.

• Believing that somehow you are above or superior to others and seek to be served an honored rather than seeking to serve others and honor your constituents. When you do this you may get temporary obedience but you will never have the heart of your constituents.

• Believing you are owed more than the joy that’s imbedded in leading anything at all. This shows you are leading for selfish reasons.

• Manipulating people and groups by being aloof when it serves you and being vulnerable and connected when it serves you. “Playing” people in this manner confuses your constituents and will create unwanted resistance when and where you don’t need it.

• Elevating people “beneath” you into a special or private conversations and ignoring others who occupy similar status within your hierarchy. This kind of power-play will come back to haunt you.

There are things worse than divorce for children….

• Like being caught in the endless crossfire between warring parents.

• Like switching sides and armies every few days as you switch territories.

• Like being super-over-protected in the name of love and concern when the hyper-vigilance is really a means to get back at the other parent or to suggest the other parent is negligent or not as committed or as loving.

• Like hearing constant threats of court hearings and custody hearings and fights over money.

• Like not knowing what you can talk about and who you can say you love depending on where you are and who you are with.

• Like having your childhood freedoms curbed and stunted because the adults in your life refuse to grow up and so they use you as a trophy in their unresolved stuff that happened years before you were born.

• Like having to keep secrets and face weird punishments if you leak information you didn’t know was a secret.

• Like hearing both parents say they never speak badly about the other and you know both are lying.

• Like loving your mother’s or father’s new man or woman but not being free to say it or show it.

1. I will never do anything to cut you off from your family, friends, or from anyone else whom you may love. Your freedom is important to me.
2. I will take care of myself (my body, mind, emotions) so that I am better able to enjoy and appreciate myself, and therefore also better and to enjoy and love you. Our wellness is important to both of us.
3. I will resist all attempts, subtle and gross, to control you. I know that love and control cannot coexist. Your God-given human independence is as vital to your happiness as it is to mine.
4. I will encourage you to stay out of control in all of your relationships, be it with your parents, boss, or best friends. The ability to occupy the driver’s seat of your life is crucial to your mental health and to the health of our relationship.
5. I will support you in all endeavors to get further education (formal and informal) and I will also chase all such possibilities for myself.  None of us is ever “too educated” and there is always time and room for more.

As I venture out into an ordinary day I shall seek the potential for extraordinary human encounters.

Therefore:

The person with me – no matter who he or she is – deserves my full attention. I will listen with my ears, eyes, head, and heart. I will keep in mind that this person has a network of family, friends, and acquaintances, all of whom have shaped (and misshaped) who he or she is.

I understand the mishmash of both positive and negative ongoing forces in this person’s life may influence our interactions. I will remind myself that no one is an island, and when someone tries to be, there are usually strong reasons for it.

Detecting grief or fear I will listen with patience and say little. Detecting a lack of confidence, after listening, I will seek to accurately affirm. Sensing a desire for conflict I will not retaliate, take sides, or fan the flame.

I will remember that rich, poor, young, old, frail, or strong, people want love, acceptance, listening ears, an open heart, and, above all, respect. Therefore I will avoid sarcasm, promoting stereotypes, prejudice, indifference, and tolerance, and replace these harmful tendencies and habits with playful humor, acceptance, empathy, and, above all, respect.