September 6, 2006
by Rod Smith
READER’S QUESTION: Our daughter is 17 and will hardly go anywhere with her very few friends and wants to be at home all the time. She is a good student and works very hard at everything she does. Should we be worried that she has hardly any friends and seems to be hiding by staying at home?
ROD’S RESPONSE: While your daughter may, or may not, be able to tell you the answer, ask her if there are ways in which she thinks she’d like to change anything about her social life. Ask her how she thinks you might be able to be a help to her in this regard.
My hunch, since you have not mentioned excessive sleeping, unpredictable mood swings, or any manner of disturbing patterns of eating (or not eating), I’d suggest she daughter is doing what is most comfortable for her at this time.
Enjoy her presence around your home. Many a parent would give a limb to have their son or daughter at home more often.
Posted in Children, Communication, Differentiation, Family, Listening |
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August 31, 2006
by Rod Smith
Yesterday’s column generated much response. One response (edited for space) appears below. To respond to points of contention: the husband’s role ought not be “less” because he has been inconsistent. His role is not “earned.” He is dad. Suggesting he has less of a “voice” is a cop out for a girl making adult choices. Contrary to what most teens perhaps believe, a teenager’s relationship with his/her parents is more important than any romantic relationship.
“If I were the girl even being as mature as I was at 15, I must say that I would not ‘opt for what my parents preferred’ if they had allowed me to act a certain way for an extended period of time and then tried to implement a new rules. While it’s true that although the dad should still have some authority, it would be stronger if he were consistent with his daughter. Were I his daughter, I would be less willing to listen to him. Although 15 is a young to be sexually active, it’s not abnormally young and it sounds like her choice of partner is not a bad one. It would be a good idea for her parents to discuss positive sexual relationships and birth control — so she should at least be educated in the subject.”
Posted in Boundaries, Children, Communication, Family, Teenagers |
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August 22, 2006
by Rod Smith
My father is getting older. He has never told me he loves me. Do you think I should ask him to say it once before he dies? I feel child-like asking the question because I am an adult with my own children. I have no problem telling my children I love them – both because I do love them, and because I want my children to hear it from me, their mother.
Rod’s Reply: Yes. Tell him that hearing him use the words “I love you” directed at you would mean a lot. Being an adult, you are fully aware that asking your father to say he loves you does not mean he will. I think it is a risk worth taking. Asking him could prove good for you both.
Sadly, some sons and daughters will never hear loving words from a parent, and, but for the most toxic of families, it is something it seems we desire from a parent, no matter how young or old we may be.
Expressions like, “I love you”, “I am proud of you”, “you please me”, “being your parent has enriched my life”, and, “I brag about you whenever I have the opportunity,” are sentiments that can enrich anyone’s life, even if you have to point-blank ask for them to be said.
Posted in Children, Communication, Parenting/Children |
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August 13, 2006
by Rod Smith
Reader: My husband says I laugh at the “wrong” things my son (4) does. He says that “cute” and “charming,” when my boy wants his own way, in our young son (4) will come back to bite us. This is a point of regular, often playful, discussion between us. What do you think?
Rod’s Response: While there is so much to be enjoyed around young children, your husband has a point worthy of discussion. Cute, charming, manipulative behavior from a young child – “working the room” to get his own way – might be the source of great amusement, but the similar behavior, from the same child at thirteen, might be considered obnoxious.
Be aware of what you applaud and be careful what you allow to win you over. If charm and manipulation succeed at three, at five and at seven, you might have a tough task trying getting your teenager out of the habit.
But many children are cute and charming as a natural expression of who and what they are without any desire or intent to manipulate. While adults must be careful what they endorse, they ought also to be careful regarding what they interpret and consider manipulation in children.
Posted in Adolescence, Children, Education, Family, Manipulation, Parenting/Children |
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August 7, 2006
by Rod Smith
I have had several requests to write about stepchildren and stepparenting…..
1. Growing up within an intact, stable, biological family is already sufficiently challenging. Adjusting to a “new” family, with a stepparent, makes something that is already difficult – growing up – even tougher. Difficulties are compounded when both parents remarry within a short time of each other. (The child is dealing with two “new” families and the trauma of the loss of the “original” family).
2. Stepchildren have, by definition, experienced monumental trauma. Its power to destabilize the “new” family should not be underestimated.
3. Stepchildren who say “we didn’t ask for this” (divorce, weekend visitations, or death of a parent, remarriage) are usually right.
4. Children innately want to live with their biological parents and will not necessarily welcome the arrival of a “new” adult. Knee-jerk rejection of a new significant other is to be expected and resistance to “intruders” can be expressed in cunning, even cruel ways.
5. Stepchildren can have a heightened awareness of what they might see as fraudulent adults who often display pseudo-closeness.
6. Adults who try too hard, who are overly focused on getting to know the children, or try to “lay down the rules” or “show who is boss” are setting themselves up to fail at an already difficult task.
7. Stepchildren will not automatically love someone just because their parent does.
8. Embracing stepsiblings is difficult even for the most understanding and welcoming children.
Posted in Adolescence, Blended families, Children, Marriage, Parenting/Children, Re-marriage, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers |
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June 13, 2006
by Rod Smith
To the father of the entitled teenager (17) who lives rather ungratefully under his parent’s generous roof?
You son is popular with others and therefore he has it within him to have a fulfilling child/parent relationship. At 17 he can enter a meaningful discussion about what’s bothering you. When addressing him, reflect on your experiences as the parent rather than on how unwise or ungrateful you perceive him to be.
It is not too late to refuse to do for him the things he appears to take for granted. Make such a stand understanding he is resourceful enough to get what he needs without you.
Be sure to establish what it is that you want before you try to correct his errant ways. If you really want a meaningful father/son relationship, first establish what that means to you.
“I’d like some time on a weekly basis to talk with you face-to-face,” is reasonable. “You are never home so you can go out once a month,” is probably unreasonable.
Do not fall for the lie that your son’s difficulties are somehow directly related to your failings. Your son is talented and young enough to make his own mistakes. The last thing he needs is a dad who feels responsible for his every error.
Posted in Adolescence, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Love, Reactivity, Space, Teenagers, Voice |
1 Comment »
June 5, 2006
by Rod Smith
Since I make it almost essential (occasionally I agree it is inappropriate) for both parents to attend appointments with me (even if the parent are divorced) when the topic is a child, I was faced once again with divorced parents of a young girl. Dad was upset. The daughter, they reported, no longer wants to visit him every second weekend. Dad’s no longer her idol. Mom can’t get her to want her dad. The child misses her friends. Dad’s house is “boring.” All the moving unsettles her.
I suggest the parents consider switching houses every second weekend leaving their child permanently in one home. This way mom and dad would see the daughter as frequently, the child would remain near her friends, and her need to travel back and forth would be eradicated. An added bonus, which is obvious to me, involves the parents getting to know what it is like to live in two places and have to pack up and move every second weekend.
My clients were at first confused, and then furious that I would consider suggesting such disruption to their lives! Of course they had spent very little time considering how much children are “punished” and how significantly children’s lives are disrupted by visiting schedules that appear to be designed solely around the needs of the adults.
Posted in Adolescence, Blended families, Children, Communication, Divorce, Marriage, Single parenting, Victims, Voice |
3 Comments »
May 29, 2006
by Rod Smith
Embark on ruthless personal inventory. If you want to know your children better, the first building block is to know yourself better. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking this is a task you have already accomplished. Many men who think they know themselves well are really quite familiar with the person whom they wished they were. Your children are unlikely, beyond about the age of four, to be impressed with who you think you are, while also possessing really good takes on who you actually are.
Every negative habit, memory, unresolved grievance, prejudice, “hot button” that you keep hidden within you will act like a filter and distort what and who your children are in your eyes (and impact your other intimate relationships).
This does not mean you have to spill your guts and divulge every dark secret in some small group (although this would not be a bad idea if you can find the right kind of group) but it does mean that you have to stop fooling yourself about who and what you are. Come to terms with the fact that our children are seldom as impressed with us as we ourselves are.
Appreciate that just because you want to get closer to your children it does not mean they, at the same time, will have similar inclinations toward you. If you are insistent (pushy, demanding) with a reluctant child, your attempts are likely to be counter-productive. Being close to dad in the heart-to-heart, arm-over-shoulder kind of way is the fodder of sitcoms and movies than it is a part of real life.
Real-life-close-to-dad is more about the capitalizing on conflict and turning it into a means of greater understanding and love. It’s about being committed to learning from each other, and long periods of silence. It is about sometimes feeling used, sometimes feeling taken for granted. It is about learning to appropriately speak up. It is about knowing what to address and when and how to address it. It is about knowing what to ignore. It is about knowing when to be loud and when to be soft. It is about knowing when to be visible and when to be in the background.
Television sitcoms can go from conflict to resolution in thirty minutes (including six to eight minutes of commercials). In real life, successfully loving children can take forty years.
Posted in Children, Divorce, Parenting/Children, Single parenting, Teenagers |
3 Comments »
May 24, 2006
by Rod Smith
My son (17) is a high achiever in every aspect of his school life. He is extremely popular and enjoys clubbing/parties most weekends. I am afraid that over the years I have spoilt him because he has been so charming. Lately, signs that were there years ago are becoming a huge issue for me. We are constantly banging heads. My son does not communicate with his family in a friendly or meaningful way, or tell us about his life, instead he complains about his meager pocket money, expects us to run to and fro at all hours, complains about the lack of food in the house, grunts when his mother asks him if he liked his school lunch she lovingly prepared, moans when asked to lock up (this at 2am when we have just fetched him from a club) and generally displays an attitude of entitlement. He almost always makes excuses when asked to help in any way. I love my son very much. His lack of respect for the feelings of all his family, his rudeness and lack of gratitude are making me very sad. Can you help? A Father (Letter edited for space)
I will reply to this letter tomorrow. In the meantime readers, please send me your ideas.
Posted in Adolescence, Children, Teenagers |
3 Comments »
May 22, 2006
by Rod Smith
Parents: don’t lie to your children. Don’t lie for them. Don’t lie through them. The world is confusing enough without you helping to muddy the waters. Young people have enough pressure to be deceitful without mom and dad adding to their confusion.
Parents: avoid bad language. There’s nothing cute or endearing about your toddler swearing like the proverbial trooper. To come out of his mouth, the words must first have entered his ears.
Parents: if you make your child get you a beer, or your cigarettes, you are training your child in habits most adults wished they did not have. If he can get your beer and cigarettes, he’ll be getting his own before you can say, “Where did you learn that?”
Parents: be financially, sexually, spiritually faithful to your spouse and you will teach your child better lessons about life than can be learned at the finest of schools. Let “I’m sorry” and “please forgive me” be words your child frequently hears and he too might learn to say them.
Parents: repeatedly remind your child that despite your many errors and failures, it is your child and your child alone who is ultimately responsible for making his life effective, creative and fulfilling.
Posted in Adolescence, Children, Education, Parenting/Children, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother |
1 Comment »
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