Archive for ‘Anger’

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August 22, 2006

I don’t normally enjoy your column…

by Rod Smith

Dear Rod,

I’m sorry to tell you this but I don’t normally enjoy your column! The reason is that you tend to be too judgmental and autocratic. Maybe you are thinking now that I’m being defensive and reactive because your answers touch a soft spot with me. You may very well be correct but I believe the reason is because nothing is ever so definite and ‘black and white’ in any relationship. Though we always do feel as though this is true – the old big, fat ego again.

I have attached one of your previous column’s which my boyfriend put next to my bedside and gave some of our friends a copy to ‘prove’ to them that I was such an awful person and exactly what you had written applied 100% to me. Very hurtful!

I wrote that letter to our psychologist who we were seeing for help in our relationship. I now go alone as he says I am the one with the problems, I am the one that needs to change and he is perfect – yes, 100% correct and with no personality flaws.

With regards to today’s question and answer: I do identify with this woman as my boyfriend does attack, insult, character assassinate and yell at me. a couple of months ago I used to react equally as provocatively and angrily. I now do not react as I have realised it is when he is inebriated, worrying about his Mom who has cancer, or his business which is in dire straits or all of the above. This by no means justifies his behaviour but at least I am not perpetrating the behaviour or getting caught up in the lose-lose situation. He inevitably calms down and carries on as though nothing has transpired.

His ‘good’ side is 80% of the time and he is the most generous, affectionate, fun-loving, passionate man I have ever known so it far out-weighs the dark side!

However, I have stayed in destructive relationships prior to this for the simple reason that I have had to believe and ‘buy’ and allow the verbal abuse – e.g. I am stupid, argumentative and have serious mood swings for no rhyme or reason – because if I didn’t I would have to walk away because nobody can believe they are loved if someone accuse you of these atrocities and they are NOT true. Do you understand the logic here? I’m finding it difficult to articulate. I just mean you have to buy into the story so that you believe the love is there and that person can help you change and then, only then, will the relationship work. Psychi of an abused woman?

Anyway the other issue is, to quote you, “Tell me what keeps a person in a relationship that apparently offers nothing but pain and humiliation?” We stay in relationships like this because it does not just offer pain and humiliation! We don’t discuss or question the beauty and joy and comfort and compassion because there isn’t a problem on that side and we desperately want to correct and heal the dark side. Also it seems that in some relationships we desperately want the roller coaster ride because without the lows and dips they can’t have the elating, endorphin releasing highs. another reason for staying or being ‘trapped and the victim’ is low self esteem – get them to watch Oprah’s show!

I adore all your advice re kids, parenting – single and step! Thank you for that! God bless and I’m sure you’re helping hundreds of people.

Reader
Durban, South Africa

Posted in Anger, Boundaries, Domination, High maintenance relationships, Manipulation, Reactivity, Therapeutic Process, Victims | 4 Comments »

August 15, 2006

I can read the web, text books, and consult with experts…. but….

by Rod Smith

Please give me your ideas on why women (yes it tends to be women) stay in very abusive relationships and struggle to leave what it so obviously toxic to anyone looking in? Please send your comments. I’d most like to hear from women who have found freedom after a long and tough relationship. Please post your response as a comment.

If you want a letter to not be on the web (or published in a paper) then send it to

Rod@DifficultRelationships.com

Posted in Affairs, Anger | 2 Comments »

July 5, 2006

A reader writes….

by Rod Smith

Hi Rod:

I read your column (in our morning newspaper) everyday and it’s like you already know me. I have just ended a horrific relationship which ended on a very bad note. I was trapped under his spell for three long, painful years. Lots of crying, and my poor heart was so trodden on. He is an alcoholic and had dangerous temper tantrums including smashing five of my windows in my flat whilst my children were with me. He nearly died with the injuries and as a result has a messed up hand which will haunt him forever.

It was a relationship that we both knew was bad for both of us. We brought out the worst in each other but loved each other to distraction. He proposed last year, I accepted then called it off at the end of January this year. Months went by with him stringing me along – he didn’t know what he wanted, made up all sorts of excuses and I couldn’t take it anymore. He left with his tail between his legs three weeks ago. I changed my cell number and barred him of sending me emails. He is such a coward and could never stand up for anything or make decisions.

Please keep up the encouraging daily tips.

Megan

Posted in Anger, Domination, Trust, Victims | Leave a Comment »

June 29, 2006

Finding your unique voice in ALL your relationships

by Rod Smith

Every person has a voice that is designed, urging, even aching, for complete use and full expression. Some people have allowed their voices to be stolen, silenced or modified and such people might find it necessary to take time to find or re-establish the voice they have chosen to deny or ignore. There is nothing “spiritual” or humble about giving up your voice — not even God demands your silence!

Thankfully, suppressing a voice seldom kills it. It can usually be found even after years of denial and even cruelty. This is as true for individuals as it is of entire populations.

Having a voice means exerting your right to see, evaluate, and express who you are, and what you stand for, without apology. It means speaking up. It means telling the world who you are, and what you want. It involves telling the world who you are not and what you will and will not accept or tolerate. It is allowing your life to speak appropriately and boldly, without explanation or excuse.

When you find your voice, you will not allow people to speak for you, decide for you, and prescribe how you feel, think or see the world. Of course, you in turn will not take the voice of another away from them.

It is not loving to give up your voice, or to allow someone else to take your voice from you. People can hardly handle the power of their own voice, let alone handle the voice of two or three others.

Any person who will not hear what you have to say, or who tries to silence you, does not love you even if they say they do. It is never a loving act, except in very unusual circumstances (like severe illness), to stop someone from expressing who they are. Likewise, it is never a loving act to withhold your contribution to the world through maintaining your silence.

You were not created to be silent, and nor were you created to silence others. The world will benefit for hearing who you are, and what you have to say when the authentic voice within you is allowed growth and expression.

Part of owning a voice, and using it well involves the process of discovering how best to package and express your voice in a manner that facilitates others to hear who and what you are and what you have to say.

Please, compromise yourself, your talents and skills for no one. Be silenced or made “smaller,” rendered without a voice for no one. It is never worth it. There is no cause, no relationship, marriage or job, worthy of your silence.

There is no person of any rank, no spouse, boss or spiritual leader deserving of your downplaying who and what you are. It is those with dark motives, who seek for you to be less, minimized, diminished or silenced. Walk away from such small-mindedness, even when and if it is costly to do so.

Loving, good people will celebrate your strength, encourage your freedom and admire your talents. Stick with such people. Stay with those who enlarge your world, not restrict or contain it. Live fully, love fully, and speak fully – while embracing all the freedom life offers.

I am weary of men and women, irrespective of who or what they are, who hold others captive, especially in the name of love; of spiritual “leaders” who are afraid of gifted people; of bosses who silence talented people lest their own inadequacies be revealed.

If you live above, and beyond, the damaging jealousies that surround you, you will stimulate the dreams of everyone in your circle of influence, and make your own dreams come true before your very eyes – and the world will hear your voice.

Posted in Affairs, Anger, Communication, Divorce, Family, Forgiveness, Victims, Voice | Leave a Comment »

June 13, 2006

Wife flirts at parties and I do not like it

by Rod Smith

My wife and I have lots of fights because at parties and family occasions she flirts with all the men. And NEVER flirts with me. She says she is just being friendly. I cannot understand why she carries on doing something she knows I do not like. What should I do?

It sounds like your wife has a lot more fun at parties and family occasions than you do. I'd suggest you stay home. If her friendliness is so threatening to you she ought to go alone. There are several reasons she "carries on doing something she knows" you do not like: she likes it; it is innocent; she understands it is not a good idea for you to control how she has fun.

Perhaps, if you took your focus off your wife and relaxed a little, she would want to flirt with you. Jealousy is not very attractive. The sooner you realize that your jealousy is your problem and that it has nothing at all to do with her behavior, the sooner you will be over it.

Two things: 1. He (or she) who has the feeling (in this case jealousy) has the problem. 2. Love and control cannot coexist in the same relationship.

Posted in Affairs, Anger, Communication, Divorce, Domination, Love, Manipulation | 102 Comments »

June 10, 2006

Is there hope for an abusive person or are they a lost cause?

by Rod Smith

Q: I refer to your various columns on emotional abuse and controlling behaviors. How does one stand up to a partner who is the darling of the outside world but at home is a controlling, emotional abuser? Is this person suffering from low self-esteem or something worse? Can it be “cured” with therapy or is it a lost case and should one walk away from such person?

A: Having seen persons considered the worst of offenders of all manner of aberrant behavior grow to live manageable, decent lives, I do not like to consider anyone a “lost cause.”

But, I’d suggest that the abuser is unlikely to be helped, or find peace, while remaining within the relationship where the abuse has occurred. In other words, the abused spouse will probably not be the source of salvation (change, growth) for the abusive person, except that he or she will assist by calling the abusive cycle to a halt through exposure or intervention.

Abusive people are often the “darling of the outside world” while being very difficult to live with. Not all abusive marriages have to end, but outside help must intervene, to break the cycle, if some change is to occur.

Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Sexual abuse, Victims | 2 Comments »

June 6, 2006

It all began so well — then he showed who he really is

by Rod Smith

“I met my ‘Prince Charming’ through an acquaintance. We hit it off from the beginning, but without any emotional fireworks. We shared a passion for ballroom dancing, and found we had much else in common: a love of the outdoors, music, humor; we are both financially independent, and we are both divorced with grown-up children. I thought it strange that he had no close friends and did not socialize beyond a very small circle, and that he showed no interest in introducing me to any of his family members, other than his married daughter. This should have been the first alarm bell to ring.

”Gradually he became more controlling, but in very subtle ways. He monitored what I ate and drank. He criticized my dancing when it wasn’t up to his standard. I had to live up to all his expectations all the time. He criticized my political opinions. Slowly but surely, he began to criticize all my opinions. There were violent outbursts of temper if I stood up to him in any way. Yet through all this, he remained the caring, thoughtful man I had grown to love, particularly when we were in the company of others, and I was so flattered that he was interested in me.” (Extracted from a much longer letter)

Posted in Anger, Divorce, Domination, High maintenance relationships, Love, Manipulation | 2 Comments »

May 18, 2006

Difficult or “high maintenance” people

by Rod Smith

(Published in The Mercury – 05/19/06)

Several years ago you wrote about “high maintenance” people and described my then-girlfriend to a T. Please publish it again. It was hard to believe a person who had never met my girlfriend at the time was able to describe her with such accuracy.

Comments come to me as Emails. I will make time if you want to talk.

Comments come to me as Emails. I will make time if you want to talk.

High maintenance people require constant attention and approval. They crave to be the center of almost every conversation and will often become symptomatic (moody, resentful, loud, threatening) when they are not. They analyze every move, thought, word and action of others, and then read more meaning into things (statements, looks, sighs, attitudes) than was ever intended. They are easily hurt, quickly offended, quick to rebuke when they do not get the kind of attention they think they deserve. Threats of withdrawal or desertion become a way of life.

High maintenance people are difficult, sometimes impossible, even in the most relaxed of circumstances. They pick fights, find fault, and personalize almost everything. They argue with people who are closest to them for no apparent reason. They often pick on strangers (waiters, helpers). They often live in a world of cut-off relationships where others are idiots and no one understands.

What can you do if you are in a relationship with a high maintenance person? You can do very little that will not hurt, offend, or get a reaction – but you must make a stand. High maintenance people seldom benefit from pity or patience or empathy. They will only benefit from being constantly challenged to grow up.

Posted in Anger, High maintenance relationships, Love, Manipulation, Voice | 11 Comments »

May 18, 2006

Partner abuse

by Rod Smith

(Published in THE MERCURY, 05/18/06)

Partner abuse is not restricted to physical abuse. This is misleading. Emotional and psychological abuse, while not requiring visits to the hospital, can be as equally devastating as domestic violence. It (emotional abuse) IS also Domestic Violence.

If your relationship drains your self-esteem, isolates you, feels more like a prison sentence than a loving relationship, it is likely you are in a controlling, abusive relationship.

If any one of the following is true I’d suggest you get immediate outside help:

1. When you talk about your feelings your partner railroads the discussion and gives you no time to think or express yourself.

2. You can’t discuss what is bothering you for fear of things getting out of hand.

3. Your partner criticizes, humiliates and undermines you.

4. He or she ridicules you when you express yourself and ridicules your family and friends.

5. He or she keeps you “in line” by withholding money, the car, the phone.

6. He or she has stolen from you and run up debts for you to handle.

7. He or she has thrown away or destroyed things that belonged to you, opens and reads your mail, checks your phone bill and reads your emails.

8. You are often afraid of the person you are supposed to be closest to.

Posted in Anger, Domination, High maintenance relationships, Sexual abuse, Space, Spousal abuse, Victims, Violence | 18 Comments »

May 14, 2006

Son (13) comes home from dad’s house with bruises…..

by Rod Smith

Reader’s Letter: “I am divorced but live with a wonderful man and have a very stable and loving home environment for my son (13). My ex-husband and his new wife have boys aged 17 and 13. All three boys get on very well. My son arrived home from the weekend with his dad and showed me a black bruise on his arm. When I asked him how he got the bruise I was told that his dad had made a new rule: if the boys don’t brush their teeth by 9.30am, don’t pick up clothes, or use bad language, the boys are allowed to punch each other as punishment. So my son was punched in the arm by the seventeen-year-old for not brushing his teeth. I contacted my ex-husband about this and he told me to keep my nose out of his affairs how he runs his home. Your advice would be greatly appreciated.”

Everything pertaining to your son is always your business – keep your nose in it. Meet with your son’s stepmother, who will surely share your concern, and request this barbaric approach to cleaner teeth, rooms and mouths, stops! Such behavior among three boys can do none any possible good. But be wise; the children do get along. Be unrelenting in seeking your son’s absolute safety. “Running his home” is about who vacuums the house, who takes out the trash – abusing your son does not quite fit into that category!

Posted in Adolescence, Anger, Children, Divorce, Family, Parenting/Children, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother | 2 Comments »

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