The Mercury, Expanded / read at your own peril

Dear Teenage and Young Adult Men:

First: It won’t surprise me if you think I have nothing to teach you. This sentiment often comes with youth. There was a time when I too knew everything. Nonetheless, I hope you will learn willingly, before life forces its necessary lessons upon you as it most surely will.

Second: I do not address you because of my successes. Rather, it is because of my failures. I write from painful experience, as one who has needed a lot of forgiveness from many people. I write because, at your age, I was unavailable for correction or learning.

Third: There are controversial points up ahead, and so if you are easily offended, stop now. Read no further. This is especially true if you are religious.

Here goes:

1. Combat deceit. Treat it like a mortal enemy. Tell the truth. Your masculinity is most clearly demonstrated when you are true to yourself and lovingly truthful to others. Being a “real” man is not measured in or how far you can kick or throw or hit a ball. A “real” man is a truthful man.

2. Find people to whom you can really talk. Look first for this in your parents. If there’s a hindrance, some blockage, that seems to prevent this, work doubly hard at removing your side of it. I know it’s not always comfortable to let a parent in on your life, but you do want to be exceptional, don’t you? Exceptional ALWAYS begins with the people closest to you. If this is impossible to achieve with a parent, get yourself “outside” mentors. Pay for this if you must. It’s worth it.

3. Chase a fine education. The harder you work NOW and the more education you get NOW, the more options you will have later in life. The less you plan NOW, the more free time you have NOW, the fewer options and the less free time you will have later – when you really need it.

4. Understand that there’s more to life than sport – watching it, playing it, and winning. If winning costs your integrity, rather lose. Scores come and go. Reputations stick. Playing sport supposedly develops character. This is hardly evident if you look at the lives of many professional athletes. Crave good character, not wealth or fame. Wealth and fame are fleeting. Integrity is not.

5. There’s more to relationships than what you can get. If you focus on what you can give, how you can serve, how you can improve yourself – as opposed to seeing how you can triumph over others, you will pave your own way to a life of deep fulfillment. No one can love and control the same person. While I am unsure this is possible, try to get rid of your jealousies before you fall in love.

6. No matter how rich or poor you are, or where ever you live there are seven major INTERNAL battles you will inevitably face – beat them (more than they beat you) and you’ll probably “win” at life. Lose repeatedly at one, even one, and life will be an uphill battle for you for a very long time:

(a) The urge to be deceitful (covered above).

(b) The urge to steal (time, money, or credit for things you did not do).

(c) The urge to use others (which of course includes pornography).

(d) The urge to use illegal substances or over-the-counter drugs (even those that help you stay up and study).

(e) The urge to spend more money than you have.

(f) The urge to blame anyone or anything for how things or you are.

(g) The urge to think life or someone “owes” you something (entitlement).

Resist these urges while you are young. Get used to them – regard them as “default struggles” since not one goes away permanently.

7. If you run in Church circles, you are going to hear a lot of veiled talk about the horrors and dangers of masturbation. The western church, it appears, is somewhat obsessed with this topic while apparently lesser matters like equity in society, world hunger, the voice of women, and human trafficking fall off the radar screen of many Western churches. Relax. You are no more capable of escaping the love of God by ANYTHING you EVER do or don’t do than you are cable of emptying the oceans of all water with a teaspoon. Anxiety and guilt over masturbation are far more damaging to your spiritual life than the act will ever be. Besides, the Will and the Love of God are Infinitely more Resilient than your natural urges. Don’t let your youth leaders guilt you into thinking you’ll ruin your future or damage the Will of God by anything you do or don’t do – it’s hogwash. Relax.

7. Engage in meaningful causes greater than your own comforts, pleasures, and security, and you’ll be amazed at how little of your time will be spent on the trash that occupies your entitled, self-obsessed peers.

Peace. May you be more available to guidance than I was at your age.

Rod Smith

I had a rather odd experience a few days ago. We were snowed in and I was somewhat caught up with my housekeeping and bookkeeping (tax-time is looming) and the laundry was all done and folded – no ironing in this house, we don’t even have an iron, and Nate (16) was in his room downstairs and Thulani (20) was at university some 60Ks away.

And, it came over me. I began to miss my sons, both of whom were very reachable. One so near I could hear his TV.

I was missing an era. I was missing times when they were both on top of me, getting in my way. I was missing their running all over the house, chasing each other. I was missing their rapid shift from fast friends to seeming enemies they had mastered and how they’d immediately make up as soon as I tried to play peacemaker.

I was missing the early years; the baby years, toddler years, and it all seemed to hit me at once, a kind of emotional jet-lag taking its toll.

Oh, I love them exactly as they are. I want them to be exactly where they are.

But something deep inside was longing for what was.

If something similar ever occurs with you, please describe it in a email.

I’d love to know.

The Mercury – Wednesday / Pitfalls of Leadership / No matter who you are or what you lead…..

• Using your role and influence for personal gain or for matters unrelated to your position as a leader. These can be as “innocent” as using your influence for premier seating on planes or thinking you’re too important to wait in lines. The minute you use your role outside of its scope you create “us and them” and you will begin to lose the heart of your constituents.

• Believing that somehow you are above or superior to others and seek to be served an honored rather than seeking to serve others and honor your constituents. When you do this you may get temporary obedience but you will never have the heart of your constituents.

• Believing you are owed more than the joy that’s imbedded in leading anything at all. This shows you are leading for selfish reasons.

• Manipulating people and groups by being aloof when it serves you and being vulnerable and connected when it serves you. “Playing” people in this manner confuses your constituents and will create unwanted resistance when and where you don’t need it.

• Elevating people “beneath” you into a special or private conversations and ignoring others who occupy similar status within your hierarchy. This kind of power-play will come back to haunt you.

There are things worse than divorce for children….

• Like being caught in the endless crossfire between warring parents.

• Like switching sides and armies every few days as you switch territories.

• Like being super-over-protected in the name of love and concern when the hyper-vigilance is really a means to get back at the other parent or to suggest the other parent is negligent or not as committed or as loving.

• Like hearing constant threats of court hearings and custody hearings and fights over money.

• Like not knowing what you can talk about and who you can say you love depending on where you are and who you are with.

• Like having your childhood freedoms curbed and stunted because the adults in your life refuse to grow up and so they use you as a trophy in their unresolved stuff that happened years before you were born.

• Like having to keep secrets and face weird punishments if you leak information you didn’t know was a secret.

• Like hearing both parents say they never speak badly about the other and you know both are lying.

• Like loving your mother’s or father’s new man or woman but not being free to say it or show it.

1. I will never do anything to cut you off from your family, friends, or from anyone else whom you may love. Your freedom is important to me.
2. I will take care of myself (my body, mind, emotions) so that I am better able to enjoy and appreciate myself, and therefore also better and to enjoy and love you. Our wellness is important to both of us.
3. I will resist all attempts, subtle and gross, to control you. I know that love and control cannot coexist. Your God-given human independence is as vital to your happiness as it is to mine.
4. I will encourage you to stay out of control in all of your relationships, be it with your parents, boss, or best friends. The ability to occupy the driver’s seat of your life is crucial to your mental health and to the health of our relationship.
5. I will support you in all endeavors to get further education (formal and informal) and I will also chase all such possibilities for myself.  None of us is ever “too educated” and there is always time and room for more.

As I venture out into an ordinary day I shall seek the potential for extraordinary human encounters.

Therefore:

The person with me – no matter who he or she is – deserves my full attention. I will listen with my ears, eyes, head, and heart. I will keep in mind that this person has a network of family, friends, and acquaintances, all of whom have shaped (and misshaped) who he or she is.

I understand the mishmash of both positive and negative ongoing forces in this person’s life may influence our interactions. I will remind myself that no one is an island, and when someone tries to be, there are usually strong reasons for it.

Detecting grief or fear I will listen with patience and say little. Detecting a lack of confidence, after listening, I will seek to accurately affirm. Sensing a desire for conflict I will not retaliate, take sides, or fan the flame.

I will remember that rich, poor, young, old, frail, or strong, people want love, acceptance, listening ears, an open heart, and, above all, respect. Therefore I will avoid sarcasm, promoting stereotypes, prejudice, indifference, and tolerance, and replace these harmful tendencies and habits with playful humor, acceptance, empathy, and, above all, respect.

The Mercury / Thursday

Child or children-centered families

Mom and dad (or one or the other and sometimes both) have lost their lives to the children. The parent is tethered, leashed to the children, and the children have the power to shorten or lengthen the leash at will. In time the children behave like the CEOs of a corporation and the adults are employees. Outsiders call the child entitled or spoiled.

Mom and dad (or one or the others and sometimes both) has such anxiety about children that other adults (friends, extended family) tend to avoid social contact with the parents in order to avoid the exhaustion that comes with trying to be together. The progressive isolation is hardly noticed by the anxious parent given that the children get all the attention anyway.

The family’s social life is subject to the children’s schedules, wishes, whims, pleasures, and displeasures. Given that the happiness of the children is all-important, plans with outsiders are cancelled or postponed without thought. If outsiders express dissatisfaction about the children possessing inordinate power the overly-focused parents dismiss the objections as a lack of understanding committed parenting or love.

Bringing children to size is a lot more difficult than it is to allow them to have appropriate size right from the outset.

[Your insights are valued – please post below. Thanks.]

The Mercury – Wednesday / Broken Wings

I’ve seen “broken wing” children in almost every youth gathering in every country I have ever visited.

These are very needy young people who attempt to derail the focus of the group in order to get the attention they think they need. They look for sympathy and attention, and interpret both as the only expressions of love. They are very easily offended. They personalize the slightest, most unintentional oversight. Benign oversights are interpreted as rejection.

New friendships become bindingly exclusive and anything short of exclusivity is considered rejection or even hate.

When they don’t get what they want in the way they think it is to be delivered, they sabotage activities through moodiness, withdrawal, and threats.

They often leave the larger group and expect to be rescued.

They are often masters of passive/aggressive behavior and can flip from being upbeat to going “offline” in a blink of an eye.

As teenagers they have an uncanny ability to divide communities.

The wise adult leader pays this child careful, mindful, helpful attention.

The wise leader does not permit him or her to derail the community.

The wise leader does not allow the group to rescue their moody peer – but alerts the child’s parents so the child can get the help he or she really needs.

Maintaining a unique and separate self in any relationship is an ongoing and necessary process for the person who desires growing emotional wellness. This can be most challenging in the intimate relationships or being a spouse and a parent but it doesn’t stop there. Maintaining a self can present an enormous challenge at work.

We all know someone who got so consumed by a career that who he or she was got lost in what he or she did for a living. Similarly, we all know someone who got “lost” in love or gave herself completely to parenting and didn’t know herself or her husband when the children left home.

Such blurring of boundaries in intimacy, family, and career, is often affirmed as love or commitment and sacrifice or the call of mothering. Some parents joke about it with “I used to have a life and then I had children.”

The emotionally well are able to stand alone (maintain self) and engage in intimate relationships and satisfying careers and powerful and effective parenting.

If this describes you, all is not lost.

Begin somewhere: express your opinions (even if they are unpopular), learn to say “no”, do something wild, unexpected, make slow shifts in your focus, reclaim your voice.

This is an imperfect summary of the Greek words for love, something everyone seems to search for and what can lead to so much healing and heartbreak:

• Philia is affectionate regard, friendship, it’s among equals, it’s the loyalty, it’s brotherly love, team-love. It requires honesty, equality, and grows with familiarity.
• Éros is the love of sexual attraction and passion. In the hands of the mature it builds and supports a family and a nation. In the hands of the immature it can be a most destructive and driving force.  
• Agápe is divine, unconditional love, the love God has for humanity and for individuals. Spiritually mature people may know and offer this love in brief, divine spurts.   
• Storge is tenderness, affection, family love, the love a parent has a child. It’s natural empathy.
• Pragma is the love that two people may enjoy and show during a lengthy marriage.
• Philautia is self-love, the ability to appreciate and value oneself.

I am convinced that we love others, not because of who or what they are, but because of who or what we are. Please, join me on the journey of growing up (nothing to do with age) and becoming, by the grace of God, the most loving, generous, and kind person you have ever met.