Reader: “My ex-husband never comes to pick up the children (4 and 7) on time or bring them back to me on time. Being on time has been a problem for him even when we were married! This is very annoying for me but I try to hide my frustrations from the children and so he never sees how it really upsets me. My children love their dad and so I don’t really want to cause a big issue over this but it very inconvenient when I have made plans and he does whatever he wants and then it makes me late.” (Harsh language deleted)

Rod’s Response: What do you expect? He had a time issue when you were married. He has a time issue when you are divorced. I suggest he had a problem being on time when you were dating (and then you probably accomodated it or even thought it was cute!)

Tell him what you’d prefer and he might hear you (some people do grow up!) but don’t count on it! Your children’s visits with their father are very important and so you might have to live with it. Build your plans around this priority.

When the children are older things might change. They will probably not tolerate his poor manners and, by then, he just might have learned that his selfish, inconsiderate behavior has lasting consequences.

Family health begins with individual health. When people are emotionally healthy they enjoy the closeness and intimacy of their primary relationships but also understand the necessary space and distance required within committed relationships. Therefore little or nothing is forced, manufactured or pretended.

Healthy people and healthy families are very unpredictable. They forgive easily. People do not dominate, manipulate or intimidate each other. True listening happens. No one pretends they are “okay” when they are not. Healthy people do not spend a lot of time analyzing their relationships. People have individual and shared goals. Individuals speak for themselves, plan and make choices for themselves – and the family doesn’t feel threatened. Healthy people understand they have complete freedom within their commitments and understand it is more important to love than it is to be right or to win.

Conflict is not considered negative. They know people can love and enjoy each other and disagree at the same time. Hurt, fear and loneliness can be talked about freely. They do not trap each other in order to feel loved, they expand each other’s options and they encourage adventure and diversity.

I am a person with a history to be respected, a present to enjoy and a future to build. I am fully capable of living my life to the full. I do not need a man or a woman to make me complete, although a respectful, equal and mutual relationship will enlarge both of our lives.

But, I will not be sidetracked by unhealthy relationships again.

Therefore: I will not build friendships, go out with, or become intimate with anyone who does not regard me with utmost respect. I want equality, honesty and trust in my relationships. I am better off single, alone and lonely than I am “sharing” my life with a man or woman who lies to me, cheats on me and disrespects me. I will not engage in sexual behaviour that I do not want or that my partner does not want.

I will move my life in a healthy direction despite the difficult hurdles that are in my path.

“In reference to your column of 1/13/06 about a young person whose mother drinks. I found your reply comforting. I would like to suggest the young person go to Al – Anon. I, myself, am an alcoholic and I have been sober for nearly seven years, which I could only have done through AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). I know any son or daughter of an alcoholic would benefit from Al Anon. Alcoholism is such a terrible disease for the family and friends of active alcoholics. At least at Al Anon, a child would not feel so alone. My parents went to Al Anon and what they learned finally got me to go to AA. I’ve never looked back. Please pass this on: there are Al Anon meetings everywhere that AA meets. They are not difficult to find.”

Congratulations on your seven years of regained sanity and sobriety achieved “one day at time.” Indeed, all over the world, families of active and recovering alcoholics have found powerful skills and encouragement from Al Anon. I have frequently witnessed the vicious, invasive power of the abuse of alcohol to destroy people and families. I have also had the joy of meeting an army of men and women who’ve found magnificent, enduring sobriety through the fellowship and encouragement of Alcoholics Anonymous.

“My mother drinks a lot every day. I am in second year of university and have to come to quite a lot of chaos almost every day and take care of her. I have done some reading about alcohol abuse and now I know there is nothing I can do to get her to be responsible for her life and to stop drinking. I am an only child. It has been my mother and me for as long as I can remember. My dad was in contact with me when I was a small child but now I do not know where he is. It is very hard to live with drinking. It is very hard, not only for my mother, it is hard for me.”

Rod’s Response: It is not only what you have endured with your mother’s drinking that saddens me, but rather all that you have missed as a result of it. I’d guess you have been “on duty” for longer than you can remember and have all but forgotten how to have fun.

Mothering your mother cannot be very pleasant or rewarding. I hope that at some point you will embark on a journey toward the kinds of goals that would more appropriately reflect the goals of a young and intelligent woman.

“Over the last few months my life has changed quite a lot. I was in a very unhappy relationship with a very selfish person who could not let me make my own choices. I began reading some of the books you suggested I have seen how much I am also not very healthy. I was always blaming him for being controlling but I know it is also me. Now that I have made a stand I am not sure I want to be as healthy as I can be because it means I might lose what I have got. Please give me your insight. I am feeling very insecure about the changes I have made.” (Letter shortened)

To be emotionally healthy is very costly, and all growth will require some degree of discomfort and loss. If you are not ready to change what you had (or still have) you have to consider whether you are ready to go back to what you have always had. People do what they are ready to do. People take on the necessary pain change requires when they are sufficiently discontent and want something better. Your life is completely in your hands. You will do what you are ready to do.