Author Archive

February 7, 2006

You are a “piggy in the middle” and that is not love…

by Rod Smith

I am seeing someone else’s wife. This is a real relationship despite what you wrote in “You and Me” a few weeks ago about affairs not being real. We are very close. She stays with her husband for their child’s sake. I am not married. We spend every available moment together. We are in love. It is hard to imagine this is not real. What do you mean? (Letter shortened)

The “for the child” reason is her cop out, and your combined selfishness makes you a perfect match for each other. Congratulations. Each of you has found a way to avoid growing up.

That you feel you are “in love” and feel the relationship is authentic is not in question.

Were the woman to pay the price of committing to you (she is legally committed to her husband) you’d see a shift in what you enjoy with each other.

It is adrenalin, not love, which usually loads affairs with passion and zeal.

Perhaps the loving thing for you to do is to get out of the middle of all this and let the couple sort out their marriage.

Being piggy in the middle is probably not much fun, even if you feel and say it is.

February 7, 2006

Son can’t find a job….

by Rod Smith

“My son (21) graduated from a leading university with an engineering degree and is very depressed because he cannot find employment. He sits all day emailing his resume to companies but gets no replies. He says feels guilty that he can’t get a job and pay his student loan and that life has been unfair to him. He is a loner, has no friends and his interests were his studies and achieving good results. Can you please advise me on how to cope with his depression? I feel so sad for him. He has done so well with his studies and he expected that with good results it would be easier to find employment.”

Of course life is unfair! Did you not teach him this from infancy? “Poor-babying” your son will be most unhelpful. If the young man had the required temerity to land an engineering degree, he probably has what it takes to land a good job. Huddled behind a computer is clearly not working. Perhaps face-to-face cold calling will.

Your parenting responsibilities are over. The ball, like his degree, is in his court. An attitude of self-pity is most unattractive trait even in an engineer.

February 6, 2006

Watching your son play sport…

by Rod Smith

If your son plays sport at school, be sure to go to his games, but don’t embarrass him while you are there. Watch him. Applaud him, applaud his team; applaud even his opposition. But don’t try to play the game for, or through, your child.

Don’t attempt to coach or instruct the players.

Stand back and stand still.

Unless you are offering appropriate encouragement to your son and his teammates, be very quiet. Don’t scream at your child, at other players, or scold officials. Keep your voice down.

Remember it is his turn on the field, not yours.

If you are one to consume alcohol, avoid drinking before, and while watching your child play sport. An excess of alcohol makes idiots out of the best of people, and you might want to save your child the embarrassment of your public intoxication. It is never encouraging for a child to see his parent drunk, and it is tough to keep your eye on the ball when your parent is out of control on the edge of the field.

It means a lot to a boy to see a parent watching him from the sidelines. Make it a memorable experience for him, and not the kind that will make him forever cringe whenever he thinks about it.

February 5, 2006

Four sure-fire ways to increase family emotional health and deal with overly-sensitive people

by Rod Smith

I have received several very welcome and lengthy letters from readers who find themselves in very complicated family relationships. Here are four broad principles for all members of a family:

1. Get yourself out of “the middle” of other people’s relationships! Don’t carry messages for others, or think for others or feel for (on the behalf of) others. Allow other adults the joy or communicating their own messages, thinking their own thoughts and feeling their own feelings.

2. Regard all other adults as complete adults and your complete equals. If you’re “on eggshells” around anyone (a parent, boss, child, spouse or former spouse) this person has inappropriate power over you that I’d suggest you address. The “eggshells” means you are not seeing yourself as an equal with this person or these people.

3. Never allow yourself to be intimidated, dominated or manipulated. Persons who use intimidation, domination or manipulation (in other words, emotional bullies) to get their way must be confronted if you want any degree of healthy dialogue.

4. Despite age, rank or status, don’t “tread lightly” around other adults. While it is unnecessary to knowingly inflict hurt on others, some people are so inappropriately sensitive that their oversensitivity can restrict others from normal behavior. If your actions are not in themselves hurtful, but are interpreted as such by some sensitive soul, I’d suggest you be yourself and challenge Mr., Mrs., or Ms. Oversensitive to grow up.

February 4, 2006

Toxic relationships

by Rod Smith

Toxic (poisoned) relationships are, at best, tiring. Apart from requiring mounds of energy, they can be filled with threats, silence, manipulation, domination and intimidation. Toxic couples often attempt to drown their pain in drinking, drugs and lustful or vengeful sexual activity. Toxicity is apparent when “old” arguments frequently resurface, feelings of loyalty and disloyalty rage within you, anger seems to come from nowhere, and you have a very short fuse about everything. Life feels like a giant game of chess that’s impossible to win.

Toxic relationships often begin with intensely sexual experiences. A new person seemingly offers you everything you ever wanted, and so you quickly and completely invest yourself. After a short while you begin to feel as if you have been handed a script where the entrances and exits are seldom within your power. You have become an unwilling actor in someone else’s play.

Remember there are always more options available for your life than it might appear.

Problems play hide-and-seek before they become full-blown and begin to make life unmanageable. Poison doesn’t usually happen overnight. It is helpful to identify some of these issues before they become a debilitating.

February 3, 2006

Wife never wants sex…

by Rod Smith

My wife complains when I want sex. When we do have sex she just doesn’t really get involved and says it is all to keep me quiet. I have never been unfaithful and I don’t ever want to be.

There are no easy answers to this deep human issue. You might begin with viewing your bedroom as a metaphor of what is, or is not, occurring in your broader relationships.

Before you look at your wife’s lack of interest in sex with you, you might want to assess your contribution to the wholeness of your marriage and family.

Sexual behavior cannot be understood or “helped” by isolating it from everything else occurring in your marriage and family.

The person who wants sex least, is the person who is holding the reigns of control in the relationship. I’d suggest your wife is tired of “bad” or boring sex, which it sounds to me, is what she experiences with you. Any person with a smidgeon of a “sense of self” would want to stop engaging in “bad” or un-fullfilling sex.

There is no good reason for unfaithfulness. Such action on your part will not help you with the dissatisfaction that exists between you and your wife. It would lead to no long-term good.

I’d suggest you read David Schnarch’s PASSIONATE MARRIAGE. This is a wonderful book for all relationships. While it is very graphic about matters relating to sex, it is never pornographic. Couples wanting to read the book would be wise to invest in two copies rather than try to share one copy! Sharing one copy of this book could ruin the very relationship you want to mend.

February 2, 2006

Enriched is the woman; man; child, who…

by Rod Smith

Woman

1. Enriched is the woman who knows she never has to participate in sexual activity that she, herself, does not want; who knows that her body is her own and private temple which she shares, even in marriage, only when it is by her own sacred and deliberate choice.

2. Enriched is the woman who does not lose herself in her marriage, or to motherhood, and in taking care of her family, but is able to develop a strong sense of self even while being a loving wife, mother and friend.

3. Enriched is the woman who does not put up with poor manners (being taken for granted, being sworn at, being victimized both verbally and physically) from anyone: not husband, children, in-laws, siblings, or her parents, but who appropriately, and sufficiently values herself and therefore does not tolerate those who do not treat her very well.

4. Enriched is the woman who lives above manipulation, domination and intimidation; whose relationships are pure and open, and within which she maintains a strong and valued voice.

Man

1. Enriched is the man who treats others with kindness beyond their deserving. He is generous with family and strangers and he seeks the highest good for all, knowing that the wisdom he exercises in his daily life positively impacts people around him. He regards faithfulness with high regard. The very thought of betraying his family by committing some moral indiscretion deeply unsettles his peace.

2. Enriched is the man who does not play “one-up” games. He applauds the success of others. He takes no delight in the hardships, losses, or pain others endure. He is more committed to being patient, kind and hardworking, than he is committed to being rich or to displaying symbols of success.

3. Enriched is the man who would rather lose at a sporting event than he would cheat in order to appear to have won. While he can be fiercely competitive and loves to win, he watches his behavior, treasuring his valued reputation.

4. Enriched is the man who can drink without becoming drunk; enjoy good humor without resorting to the ridicule of others.

5. Enriched is the man who pauses momentarily, quite regularly, in order to acknowledge his joy at being a man. He treasures his role as one who carries love, truth and kindness to all within his circle of influence.

6. Enriched is the man who can delay gratification in all areas of his life. He does not crave gratification when is is at the cost of damaging his relationships, his finances or his integrity.   

Child

1. Enriched is the child who has never seen a parent drunk, or a parent vent their anger, use profanity, drive aggressively, behave violently, or use racial slurs.

2. Enriched is the child who does not have to worry about a gambling father wasting necessary family resources, or worry that a mother might not return home after a night on the town.

3. Enriched is the child who hears parents laughing with each other both day and night, and who hears the sounds of joy and celebration expressed by his parents.

4. Enriched is the child whose family puts off the TV for weeks on end, who takes walks with his family, who cooks meals from scratch with his family.

5. Enriched is the child whose family reads novels and who sit around a table discussing what each person is reading.

6. Enriched is the child who has a peaceful home where the only bickering is about who is funniest.

7. Enriched is child who hears “I love you” from a caring, non-possessive parents whom the child knows, expect nothing in return.

8. Enriched in the child who rests peacefully each night in a warm safe bed.

February 2, 2006

Living with “packed bags”…

by Rod Smith

Some troubled couples seeking therapy are highly motivated. They are willing to do whatever it takes to rediscover each other. They are each ready to address their conflicts, hurts, disappointment or whatever it is that drives them to professional help. Other couples, by the time they call a therapist, have already reached a point of such distraction that divorce seems to be their only viable option.

Both of these couples can be helped. People can overcome seemingly impossible obstacles, and discover each other afresh, if they were willing to learn and willing to act upon very basic, tried principles of healthy relationships.

Then, and very sadly, some couples seek therapy when one person is already living with packed bags. The spouse has already “checked out” of the marriage, is already resigned to the failure of the relationship, yet agrees therapy in order to say that he or she tried to get help but help didn’t work. This is of course, is a waste of everyone’s time.

The motivated couple, and the desperate couple, are each, closer to resolution and to negotiating a working, loving marriage, than is a couple where one of the partners is already living with packed bags.

February 2, 2006

Reader challenges column about daughter/mom “secret” that excludes dad…

by Rod Smith

“You said (The Mercury, January 30, 2006) that a mother must tell her daughter to speak to her father about a relationship she has that the father thinks is already broken up. You said the mother was ‘in the middle’ when really I think she was being a friend to her daughter. Can a mother and daughter not have secrets with each other?”

A parent’s primary relationship is with the spouse, not with the children. The only exceptions are when a parent is violent, cruel or sexually inappropriate with a child.

It is appropriate that mothers and daughters share secrets, but helping a young daughter hide a relationship of which the father does not approve, is not sharing a secret, but participating in deceit.

The parent, if you take a close look at the dynamics, is being pulled into a giant triangle and the parent becomes trapped by the “secret.” In desiring to please her daughter, the mother stands to alienate her husband. If she is honest with her husband, she lets her daughter down. The kinds of healthy secrets mothers and daughters share do not serve to trap anyone into silence or deceit. Healthy secrets create no victims.

Talking with her father might be difficult for this young girl to do….. but it is a very necessary part of growing up.

February 1, 2006

Are You In a Difficult Relationship?

by Rod Smith

You walk on eggshells. You fear fallout, yet wish for it. You say something then wish you hadn’t. You know no matter how innocent or insignificant the conflict, whatever occurs will be blown out of proportion. Innocent statements will be misinterpreted and misquoted for ever.

You feel trapped by what is supposed to be love, but have second thoughts about how love is supposed to feel. You are usually wrong and are told you are stupid. When you admit fault, even stupidity, you are at fault for admitting it. When you are right, you are wrong for saying so, or you think you are perfect and trying to show others up. If you are silent, you are avoiding conflict. If you speak out, you are looking for trouble. In your intimate whirlpool white is black, black is white and the water is very murky.

Innocence is guilt. Pointing out error is entrapment. You are exhausted by the load of meeting the emotional needs of someone who cannot take responsibility for his or her own needs. You share life with an emotional piranha and yet, you stay, feeling unable to escape.